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Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 29/05/2015 16:10

You're in a space where you're relieved that he's stopped being a bastard.

That's a pretty vulnerable place to be.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 29/05/2015 16:21

Oh shit. I need to have stronger defences don't I?

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 29/05/2015 16:22

I would say it now seems that it has really ended with the OW (either she or he, has ended it). Previously he wasn't acting as if it was really over and now he is.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 29/05/2015 16:29

I haven't spoken to my mum but her theory was that spending some time with his family would make a difference. It is since he has been with them that he has started reaching out.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 29/05/2015 16:52

I think he has realised you are serious about this. I think he was " allowing" you a strop bu had planned for it to be back to normal within a couple of weeks. He has stopped seeing you as a strong, independent person and thought you were now a woman who would buckle without him...basically he is now shitting himself as he realises you are quite capable of carrying on without him

Christinayanglah · 29/05/2015 16:55

I would want to know why he felt it was okay to have an affair whilst trying to get pregnancy, he was totally happy about bringing another child into this situation. I would want to know why he risked yours and a baby's health by having unprotected sex

Weebirdie · 29/05/2015 17:15

Tom I told you pages and pages ago that a life with your husband would always be about him. And thats exactly what will happen when he has his lifetime of help. Your life will never be yours. it will be all him him him and eventually the life will be snuffed out of you.

bjrce · 29/05/2015 17:28

Tom,

I am sorry, I just don't trust him one single bit. All of a sudden, he's all repentant, was OW due over last week with work?. Now she's gone he has all the time in the world to work on you.
Don't lose sight of who you are.
For me, the one single huge issue was not allowing you to see the phone.
He knows what buttons to press with you, he knows you.
You are all over the place at the moment. Take time for yourself, don't let him bombard you with promises of happy for ever after.
The next few weeks is going to be a major head ache for you, listen to your parents and family they are after your best interests.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 29/05/2015 18:40

He's back in my head again. I've got an extremely fractious dd who is knackered from nursery, my head hurts and I just want to curl up and all the hurt to just go away.

You are all right. He's just offered me the happy ever after after months and months of dicking me around. And like a gullible little fool I'm happy to take the dregs.

I need to make that list of every hurt I've gone through and every thing he has said so I don't just fall for it.

At least I'm not on my own tonight - I have a friend coming round for a quiet night in.

OP posts:
magoria · 29/05/2015 18:50

Very generous of him to offer you free access to his phone now when he has had an entire week to clear it down. There was a reason he wouldn't let you see it last week and that sure as hell wasn't principles.

I think it is very convenient that this has happened as soon as you are alone at home away from your parents.

If he really wants this then I think he needs to rent a place away from home for 6 months or so and show his actions match his words.

Not just waltz back in and 'try' while you make dinner and clean his pants.

Christinayanglah · 29/05/2015 19:37

He offered you the happy ever after when you got married.....and then when it suited him he took it away

Christinayanglah · 29/05/2015 19:46

I know this is hard, he is telling you everything you want to hear, you are tired trying to fight for a new life, you want your old one back, but it is gone forever....you may form a new life with him at one point if that is what you want, but it can't be when he decides

Wordsaremything · 29/05/2015 20:49

Tom subsequent posters echo what I said first thing this morning. His plan a - the Italian job- is off the scene. Finally. Maybe his parents and family have tried to talk sense into him. Maybe I j has suddenly realised her English Romeo is married. Maybe- just maybe- he's come to this decision himself. I very much doubt it though.

Never be a Plan B .

MsPavlichenko · 29/05/2015 21:40

I agree that you have sounded recently as if you were softening, and at some level he has picked up on that. Could his sister be coaching him ?(albeit with good intentions)

Anyhow, if you get the chance I'd tell him whenever that you have two absolute non negotiables, DD's art wherever you want, and unframed. No concrete kitchen ever. His response, face to face will be interesting.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 29/05/2015 22:48

You all speak sense. I was almost in tears earlier and then my friend rocked up and I'm less wavering again.

I keep having to tell myself that I don't have to make a decision now. Which makes it all so much easier to bear somehow, because I'm finding it so hard some days to just pick myself up and carry on and keep working on a future that is so hazy.

This evening was particularly hard - the phone call this afternoon followed by dd bashing herself several times over, ending at one stage with howls of "I want my daddeeeeeeeey".

I've got a nice and very busy weekend planned (still) and I'm not going to have any more conversations with him until Tuesday. I'm going to attempt to stay off mumsnet for a few days (again) because I think that is a bit of a test to see if I can tear myself away from the whole situation.

Before I see him on Tuesday I will write that list too. My friend reminded me of another incident to add to the list (which involved me getting drunk and upset).

A litmus test will be the tattoo. I've found another place and booked in for next Friday (eek!!).

And yes to all of the things that make me happy: more dd art, no concrete floors, no jazz, less cooking programmes, more yoga, more theatre, more TV drama, more easy food, camping. And high heels on very rare occasions only.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 29/05/2015 22:51

And another thing.

I won't ever be a plan b.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 29/05/2015 22:52

And high heels on very rare occasions only.

Confused

Are these things you are demanding of him?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 29/05/2015 22:56
Grin

No - this is a list of things that will make me happy

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 29/05/2015 23:01
Grin

I don't much care for wearing heels either.

And I'm not even tall.

bigbumbrunette · 30/05/2015 00:29

Tom, I hope you're not still here because you're taking a break. I just wanted to say that I'm in exactly the same place as you right now except I'm 4 weeks in. The first 3 weeks saw the angry, defensive arse who tried to turn it round onto me. Including the phone thing. This last week he's changed his tune. Begging, crying and desperate to try and work his way back. I'll give him his due, he's shown me his phone, sent me his last 6 months of phone itemised bills, changed his phone number, driven a 140 mile round trip to 'pop in' for 2 hours to see me, brought me roses, bought himself the book I suggested after seeing it recommended on here and enquired about counselling.

I'm waivering. I'm not ready to let go. I'm moving on for my and my DDs still and have told him nothing solid will be happening and no decisions will be made this year. It'll give him time to work on things more and will give me time to see whether he's serious.

I just wanted to say..... I understand

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/05/2015 08:56

Tom
I too would be very wary.
Last week he 'hadn't really thought about anything to say to you, he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't do it again and nah he's got principals- you can't see his phone.'
This week he's so sorry.
Which is it? Something has happened- and I don't believe it's a book or being with his family...

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/05/2015 09:02

More camping?! I don't think it's fair to ask that of anyone ;)

BathtimeFunkster · 30/05/2015 09:07

I agree with JohnFarley - something has happened.

You need to know what has changed in the last week to occasion such a turnaround.

laurierf · 30/05/2015 09:43

Is this not what happened last week?

So I've spent the afternoon with his sister… She asked if there was anything she could do… I've sent some messages back - that he needs to show true contrition, humility, put his ego to one side so that there is something for me to work with. I've said I'm not going to make any more moves, not going to offer anything else and so its up to him… I've said that I haven't closed the door but I am starting to focus my energies on rebuilding for me and dd

I wish he would be honest about why he couldn't show the phone (clearly communication with italian job). I think tom letting him back was plan a, but who knows if he won't be honest.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/05/2015 09:57

But last week -and these last few months-he's been 'meh, I had an affair get over it...meh...' And now suddenly he's all 'actually I want us back and I will do whatever it takes'

Of course this is the way it should be-
but why did it take so long?

Op finding out didn't prompt it, op asking him to leave didn't prompt it, op holding out an olive branch didn't either...

It kind of looks like his behaviours have nothing to do with op at all but are subject to other influences.