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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 09:11

He's just being a prick.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/05/2015 09:34

He is being a prick.

The way he treated you that night- last week?- was appalling and no person who loved his partner and wanted to be with her would have behaved in such a way.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 09:38

When I first told my parents they were wanting reconciliation between us. Because of some of the things he said a week ago they are pushing it much less.

I have been talking numbers a bit with them, and dad came into my room this morning and said "I've been thinking. I hope she was worth it because those were very expensive shags". I love my dad!

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 10:26

Yep, will cost him dearly, in more wYs than one

Weebirdie · 26/05/2015 17:31

Does anyone else get a bit of a shock when parents say things like 'shag'. It's a bit like the day you learn they also tried weed - just to see what it was all about you understand :D

Nevergrowingup · 26/05/2015 17:40

I love your Dad!! You need someone like that in your corner - someone who has your needs at the top of the list, no axe to grind and who will protect you through to the end of this.

You'll need him there. And even more, you'll need his sense of humour

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 18:25

So I've spent the afternoon with his sister. Apparently he is very sorry. Apparently he wants to make things work between us. Apparently he knows I'm really really really hurt.

She asked if there was anything she could do.

I've sent some messages back - that he needs to show true contrition, humility, put his ego to one side so that there is something for me to work with. I've said I'm not going to make any more moves, not going to offer anything else and so its up to him.

I've said that I haven't closed the door but I am starting to focus my energies on rebuilding for me and dd. I don't think I have said anything to her which would put her in an awkward position.

I'm feeling terribly sad about the whole situation today. My anger is utterly spent.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 18:30

I have just read Weebirdie your message. Your parents tried weed?! Shock

Never - my dad is ace.

OP posts:
magoria · 26/05/2015 18:31

Two things.

Look how he is now setting it up to look like he is totally devastated, will do anything to have you back but you won't, to everyone looking...

Actions speak louder than words. You know from you meeting last week. He doesn't actually give a shit about what he has put you through.

Your anger and hurt are an unjustified annoyance to him. He just wants you to put up, shut up and get back in the box so his life can go back to being all about him and what he wants.

CitySnicker · 26/05/2015 18:39

....but he wouldn't give you the phone out of 'principle.' He's looking for the path of least resistance with either of you, you preferrably as long as you are happy for him to continue being a shagger. His options are open and the OW is still on the back burner. Why on earth do you want him back? Ew.

Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 18:52

tom

You do what you need to do, its your life and your the one that needs to live with it. Emotions aren't so easily switched off but it is good that you are taking your time and setting your boundaries

The thing is, its not his sister who needs to tell you these things, its him

bjrce · 26/05/2015 19:06

Its really tough for you right now, when his sister says things like that to you, it really will play on your heart strings. you are listening to his sister, someone you know and trust. She has no reason to disbelieve him.
I have to be honest when I read your update the first thing that came into my head was "he wouldn't give you the phone last week out of principle". I agree with CitySnicker,
This for me would really be a deal breaker. AS far as you know he may well be still in contact with the OW. He's hardly going to tell his sister that. I bet he didn't tell her about the phone either.

He is causing you so much heartache, at the end of the day, you must do what you fell is right for both you and your DD. Listen to your Mum and Dad, they have your best interests at heart.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/05/2015 19:26

I'm afraid I don't believe him either tomato. I think that's what he's telling them but...his behaviour to you just doesn't support the idea that he is 'very sorry and wants to make things work' at all. It just doesn't.

Flowers
Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 19:31

His "principles" don't seem to add up and only come into play when it might be detrimental to him

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 19:45

I did say to her I thought he was still in touch with the Italian Job. He won't have disclosed everything to his family and I know he is still twisting himself up in lies.

But. But. But but but. I do for dd's sake wish this wasn't happening. That he was horribly contrite. And I'm leaving the door open hoping for a miracle that I know may not be enough or may never come.

I'm pressing ahead with getting my ducks in a row. I'm not going back to him begging and pleading. With all my heart though I wish I didn't have to do this.

The counselling session that was cancelled last week we rearranged at the time for next Tuesday. We are going, and I'm going but to listen to him rather than say too much more. But what I will say that he has caused so much damage and is continuing to cause damage, and that only by being utterly honest and putting his pride to one side can I even begin to talk to him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 19:49

I have just picked up a voicemail (bad reception here). I have an interview to be scheduled for Friday. Two steps forward, one step back and all that.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 19:50

I know Tom, you have been forced into a position where you never wanted to be

Deep down I don't think you are sure that he has it in him to fix this, and I think, for you, that is more disappointing than anything

CitySnicker · 26/05/2015 19:54

You tell him how he needs to act (via his sister), he 'gets' what you need from him, he acts in the right way for a bit and you accept he might have an affair again / still.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 20:08

City - that's the problem.

Christina - how do you nail it every time you write something? You articulate what I am thinking. Every. Single. Time.

OP posts:
isadorable · 26/05/2015 20:49

Just a gentle word of warning about in-laws. I'm a few months further into my split initiated by him (he then changed his mind after six weeks and begged me to try again but there you go). What his family know is his version of the truth.

My ex-fil had no idea of why I'd thrown him out etc. He's a lovely man basically and so I didn't enlighten him. But then several weeks later even he manipulated (or thought he was manipulating) me to get a copy of something my ex left here. I was stunned someone I'd known and respected for 7+ years would be so devious/ridiculous.Why not just ask outright?

What I'm trying to say is dont worry too much about his family - their opinions or feelings. Look after yourself and dd and trust your instincts about what his behaviour is like when you are talking to him. All that matters is what you want at this stage, not him. There's no hurry. Take your time.

MsPavlichenko · 26/05/2015 20:59

Well Done on the job interview! Others have said about the phone.

Of all that you have told us over the past week or so, one thing really did take my breath away. His comment re you not doing his washing. That really says everything about where he sees you in terms of the relationship. It is this sense of arrogance, entitlement and utter disrespect for you (sorry!) that has, imo, led to where he , and you now are.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/05/2015 21:09

For me the outstanding comment was that he can't promise it won't happen again.

This is so far from contrition and humility- it is an absolute blatant 'I don't care about you'. This is what you have to go on now. Not what other people are hoping to hear.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 21:15

Same as JohnFarley- he can promise it was a one off! That is disturbing- but let us see what he will say at the counseling session
good Luck!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 21:21

Maybe at some stage I should write out a list of everything that he has done and said. Just so I can keep referring back to it when I'm feeling really torn.

My parents are out this evening so I'm heading to bed soon and catching up on a bit more house of cards/sleep. They know how distraught I am about the way he treated me during the affair - that I had become a very lowly and incompetent member of staff. They are also horrified by what he has said since. Dad can't get over the comment that he said he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't do it again.

I've had so little from him though that I'm hungry for what he is thinking and feeling. Is he utterly distraught? Broken? Is he waking up to the damage he has caused? Or is he still in touch with her, telling everyone half truths, manipulating his family to believe the best version he can muster?

You are saying listen to my instincts... Right now my instincts are telling me that being here and seeing people who care about him is pulling me back, I'm still ruminating on him and what he has done rather than doing the things that actually help me move on. My parents are on my side 100% but they are still trying to fathom out who he is and how he could have hurt me and we're just winding each other up.

I had pondered about moving back here. Housing is cheap, schools are great, lots of family around and a few friends too. I think I need to knock that one on its head - too many people with too few things to think about.

OP posts:
magoria · 26/05/2015 21:29

you can take a copy of this thread and tie together your posts.

That may help you start to form a diary.