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Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 24/05/2015 15:32

You sound more positive today

I'm in a state of nervous exhaustion after having 4 9/10 year olds for 24 hours....

worserevived · 24/05/2015 15:41

Tomato in a way he's done you a favour. You've found you again, and now you have you won't lose her again Smile. I went through the same. I married someone who became very successful, and gave up so much of my self to support him in that. By the time he had an affair I was at probably my lowest point, with no sense of myself left. He did me a favour too. I'm me again, a tough, sparky, funny, independent, intelligent woman. Modest with it Wink.

I'm still married to him, but I'm still me, and he's a far more humble version of his previous self. We both came out of it better, although the scars on my side run deep.

The world's your oyster now. You can do whatever you want!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 15:41

I'm feeling much more positive. I think after Tuesday's debacle I am focussing on me rather than him. It's horrible not having dd around but I've been reclaiming the me that has been lost for a little while.

Wow - I'm not surprised you're frazzled! You need to get yourself down to your hot stones place xx

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 15:46

Worse - that is inspiring! I'm so pleased you found yourself again.

I think this is why I want the tattoo on my wrist. To be a permanent little reminder to myself that I see every day so I don't ever forget "me" again.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 24/05/2015 15:50

Tom I know it doesn't feel it bit I think this May turn out to be a blessing in surprise

It's seems the more you reflect on this man and your relationship the more you find reasons to stay away

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 18:59

We are off to WOO's house.

Talking to my parents I am angry again. I have their full support - no more talk of reconciliation.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 24/05/2015 19:09

I'm glad you are getting support, keep going, your doing so well

MaMaof04 · 25/05/2015 00:09

Tom-
well well
so you were doing big efforts to bottle up your funny side, your easy-going nature, your natural intelligence, your devastated state of mind following DD, just to give him some awesome chance to recommit to you and DD and all your reward was some 'dirty laundry' (Hussard is right: bleach is the most effective detergent against contaminated laundry), and a honest confession that he might betray you again in the future. And because you were not willing to humbly accept your reward Lord BS bestowed upon you the title a 'vindictive wife'. Tom this affair is a blessing in disguise. You have already started extracting and regaining the funny shiny Me from the suffocating We!
Forward and Upward Tom! NightNight!

FantasticButtocks · 25/05/2015 00:26

Actually, yes. You are well rid.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 25/05/2015 07:49

Well I'm focussing on me.

Spent some time with WOO. Her advice was to find a lawyer, find out my rights, work out several different ways of splitting everything so I could live with dd, check it all over with her.

So eg if we do 50/50 it could only be once dd has left home at 18, but if he wants some equity now then a 75/25 split would give me enough to get somewhere with a smaller mortgage that I could afford.

She also advised that it's still too early - that I'm still too angry and need to work that all through and that if I make a decision now it still would be too hasty. She also said that I am doing everything right and have a strong frame of mind in starting to rebuild myself.

And then we had supper and a lot of debate and I was able to score some very big hits. So in a safe place I can also debate and challenge and change the course of the conversation.

We are off very soon to visit my granny's ashes and then collect dd and I am going to give her the most enormous cuddle.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 25/05/2015 18:00

Tomato you asked about me seeing the psychiatrist, and it was for both the reasons you stated. And funnily enough one of the reasons was the woman I was wakening up to each morning was an enigma.

Anyway, suffice to say that I've asked you before if you are me and the more you post the more I think - jeez, I know her ??

MaMaof04 · 25/05/2015 18:11

I agree with WOO.
I like the dual path (to stay- to leave) you are tracing to yourself.
I am sure you will remain true to yourselves, intelligent and pragmatic, and that you will eventually remain on the one path that is the best for you and your daughter.

We are here to help you and support you in whatever you choose.
I still have difficulties dealing with my H's lack of honesty in his 'tragic' affair, and yet I am the one who always claimed that when there are kids everything should be done (that is not detrimental to your identity of course) to rebuild the relationship after an affair or after any problems. Of course rebuilding a relationship depends on both partners; rebuilding it after an affair depends mainly on the betrayer's behavior; of course the betrayers run a big risk: we might stop loving them even if they have been behaving as the successful builder and that might make it difficult for us to rebuild anything healthy; this is why I think that toward the end of the process we might have to deliberately decide to forgive him or behave as if we forgave him (fake it until you make it) for the sake of our kids and for the sake of the Mum we want to become/be.
Of course in the angry stages we must bring everything out to let it out of our chest- but after a while we must be careful not to be too negative and relearn to appreciate the goodness in the betrayer, and criticise his negative facets in a constructive way, in order to help him become a better version of what we married.
I see that you are a family person and love to build solid and stable family links- so yes I think that it is more in your character to give to your daughter's dad more time to come back to his senses. You are still paying respect to your granny and you have wonderful relationships with your parents who now support you through your crisis; so you do want to offer the same family lineage to your daughter (growing with both parents; having both parents to support her through her adult life and offering her grandparents to her own kids.)

We can still call him Lord BS and have a go at him- we are still in the angry period, aren't we?
Did you hear anything from him? what are his reactions to the book?
Apparently the book Not Just Friends is good to help you have a better understanding on why he had an affair.
Good Luck love and Big Hugs!Flowers

MaMaof04 · 25/05/2015 18:12

Hello Wee.
How are you brave wise woman?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 25/05/2015 21:46

Bugger. I just wrote a really long post and I don't have the energy to retype it.

Basically: I am bored of the whole situation. But have spent a long time talking about it with my parents. I want to start looking ahead.

I collected dd from his family earlier and they were all very affectionate toward me. He just looked shifty.

Blood - you said a few days ago something that has just struck home about how I didn't want to upset him. I don't feel like that any longer. You also said you were a bit narcissistic which I don't believe because you have been so insightful and generally thoughtful xx

Weebirdie - I would love to get together sometime - I'm sure we could talk for hours. I hope Italy is fun - you deserve whatever happiness comes your way xx

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 25/05/2015 23:24

You have came a long way in a very short time x

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 07:01

It's been such a rollercoaster Christina. Emotionally I feel battered. I'm such a calm and steady person normally. This thing of the highs and lows and anger and grief is so draining. I haven't been sleeping properly which isn't helping.

I just want to create normality again.

And I know it's going to be months before life is stable again. I said to my parents last night that I just want to know where I will be in a year's time - just a little glimpse - so that I know what path I am on.

Friday and Saturday I was so sure I could make it all work without him. I had a taste of life on my own and it was ok, good even. But there's this voice, after everything he has said and done, that is still saying don't give up on him just yet.

Life was good with him. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone before.
He is dd's father
If he wakes up and starts really working to build my trust then perhaps it could work
I feel so much stronger already that the balance of the relationship could be so different - me standing up for myself, having an equal home could be a reality.

But there is another voice - the one that is saying he is probably still with her, he has given up on us or can't face the work of rebuilding.

WOO asked the other day if I still loved him. I said I didn't know - I was so angry. She said that anger and love go hand in hand - that the opposite of love is not hate but anger. And that you have to love something in order to be angry about losing it.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 07:50

You are pushing yourself to make decisions that you don't need to make just now. It's like wading through a fog

You need to give it a little time to clear, take a step back from it all and just be for a while

The constant whirring of your mind is exhausting x

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 07:54

I think that's why I'm trying to keep busy. Every time I stop my mind takes over.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 07:56

Has he responded to any of the points you raised?

Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 07:56

Is his mind constantly turning trying to find answers?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 08:14

I haven't spoken to him about anything other than dd since meeting him last week. So no response.

I have no idea what is happening in his head. For all I know he is still caught up in his fantasies about her.

Am meeting his sister a bit later. I don't actually want to talk to her too much about it because I don't want to make her feel like she has to choose between us. Already there is stuff that I've heard that he's told his dad, his dad has told my parents who have told me. It's all too much. It also contradicts what he's told me so I know he was twisting things on Tuesday.

The facts are that he cheated and lied and cheated and lied, and that last time we spoke he is still caught up spinning his web of lies.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 08:23

Do you mean he has lied to his dad about the situation?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 08:36

No I think he told his dad the truth but not me.

He has told one of the few people who know him well and will stand up to him. I have been asking him to tell this person for a while. On Tuesday he made it seem as if he had told this person because it was important to me. His dad's version is that this person dragged it out of him because of the way that he had been behaving. So it was voluntary or for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/05/2015 08:45

Sorry that last sentence makes no sense. He didn't voluntarily tell this person for me.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 08:48

God, what the hell is he playing at.. FFs own it

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