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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 22/05/2015 22:59

night night

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/05/2015 12:31

I seem to have come crashing down. I didn't sleep brilliantly and dd is now with him and his folks until Monday. I never dreamt that I would have a life where I would have to be separated from my darling girl like this. I went to yoga and while it was good to stretch out it hasn't helped my sadness.

How long will it take until I stop being so angry that he has stolen the best bits of my life?

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 23/05/2015 12:41

I would think a long time, and perhaps there will always be some bitterness

That's what they don't get, it's not just the splitting of a couple it's the destruction to a family. A lot of my pain came from thinking, no other man will be Ds dad, I want to share Ds life with his dad, I wanted the family... And they through it all away. No one wants to be a part time parent

You have done so well tom, but it is a roller coaster and it is only human to have your sad times, especially when there is a much loved child in the middle of it

Are you still meeting friends today? X

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/05/2015 12:48

It's all the little things as well. I bought her some beads with letters on them and she has started recognising different letter. I'm so proud of her. I can't share it with him.

I have a gorgeous video of her bouncing on her new bed. I can't share it with him.

It's all these little moments of her life that her dad isn't going to have access too any longer, and there will be things she does with him that I won't be there for too.

And the utter betrayal and hurt means that I can't be friends with him, I can't end this amicably in the happy cozy way he thinks we can do. I'm going to be as dignified as possible but I'm going to hit him where it properly hurts when we get the divorce settlement sorted. And he will hate me for it.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 23/05/2015 13:05

He may hate you for a while but he will need to remember he caused this and more importantly you are the mother of his child... He will always have your phone number!

The little things you mentioned, you can still have them, you are both still her parents and that will never change. When the dust settles you will both need to work to make that happen It all seems impossible just now, that's because it is all new and it's still a shock. Just now it is all extremes, you will find a middle ground

Lacoba66 · 23/05/2015 16:10

Hello Tom,

Just popping in to say have a fab night tonight with your girlie friends Grin. X

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/05/2015 16:46

Thank you. I have a friend over this afternoon and have had some quite reflective conversations.

My other friend is making a curry for tea tonight and then we are going on a mini pub crawl.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 07:25

Morning all. So I went out, had a lovely time, my friends were lovely, we spoke about what had happened a bit but not too much and everyone was under strict instructions not to let me get down.

I ate curry, drank mostly beer, and had one cocktail at the end. I was home by half midnight while the boys stayed out a bit longer.

I love my friends. I haven't even reached out to my wider set yet.

And my friends dp has insisted that he babysits dd in a couple of weeks so that I can go out for a little girlie night out (me + 2 who know). We are going back to the scene of Tuesday's debacle - and reclaim it with some happy memories.

Hot yoga here I come!! (In a little bit after several cups of tea).

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 24/05/2015 07:37

Well done mrs, it sounds af if last night was exactly what you needed

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 08:02

It was great. Exactly what I need. I know I can go out without becoming a blubbering mess!

Looking back, the whole time Mr BS was having the affair the rare times I went out I ended up in a right old state after just a couple of drinks. Says a lot heh?

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Nevergrowingup · 24/05/2015 08:27

Tomato, I'm liking the sound of your weekend, your wonderful friends and the fact that you are beginning to get your mojo back.

I know its still a long way from any kind of solution but with the support network you have, you will never look back. Life is going to be good and you have a delightful DD to be fabulous for. That's all the motivation you need Smile x

Christinayanglah · 24/05/2015 08:32

What do your friends think of him?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 08:54

They think he's been an absolute idiot.

I don't think any of them saw it coming at all. So when I have told people it has been utter shock. He's known by everyone as being a really lovely guy.

When I told my friend he had called me vindictive for not doing his washing her response was "that's not vindictive. You would have done something far more imaginative if you were actually being vindictive". Love her!!

Never - I do have the most amazing people in my life. I'm really lucky. I have a much wider friendship network than BS does.

I have a few legal friends so if WOO can't help with a SHL I can have a few quiet words and find a SHL that way. I will channel the urge to be vindictive into doing as much as I possibly can to get as much out of the marriage as I can. And part of that will be to behave with absolute dignity so that any accusations (e.g. withholding access to dd) just fall flat.

It will be much more satisfying to build a good and happy life for me and dd. That will be the ultimate "fuck you".

OP posts:
Joysmum · 24/05/2015 09:07

Sounds like a plan to me Grin

Snoozybird · 24/05/2015 09:20

He called you vindictive for not doing his washing? Shock

Glad you had a good night out and a supportive network of friends.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 09:29

He did. I called it not being very helpful.

He had dumped some stuff in the washing basket when I went to my parents and before he moved out. I left it there. And got called vindictive. I have a feeling he doesn't know what the word means.

OP posts:
Snoozybird · 24/05/2015 10:15

So there you were reeling from the revelation that he'd just blown your world apart with his infidelity yet how dare you not do his washing? Yeah like I'm sure he'd have been rushing to do yours if he'd just found out you'd been doing the dirty on him. What an utterly unashamed level of entitlement.

Hussarsataparty · 24/05/2015 10:27

I'd have washed em with bleach to remove any stains.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 11:43

He did apologise when he got a tongue lashing. But he still had said it.

Hot yoga = cure for hangover. I nearly did keel over though.

Revenge will be through a flat stomach Grin (I still have a way to go unfortunately).

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 24/05/2015 11:49

tomato you are truely amazing. You twat of a H just has no idea of what he has lost....yet !!!
You rock Star

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 12:01

Thank you!

I still feel like my emotions are swinging really wildly at the moment. I'm on a bit of a high from going out last night and then yoga.

I am looking forward to feeling a bit more balanced and calm. Whenever that eventually comes.

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 14:40

I've just realised something. I stopped being funny. I stopped laughing.

Last night I was in a group situation and we were having a joke and I said stuff and people would laugh. That means that when I am relaxed with people whose company is enjoyable I can be funny.

I have spent the last few months so tense and wary and trying to be someone I'm not that I stopped being funny.

And funny isn't even a trait I have ever described myself as. I'm not a great wit or able to tell a story in a funny way. I can't sit at a dinner table and hold court for hours. But it seems I have a sense of humour and it is returning.

That has utterly surprised me.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 24/05/2015 14:53

tom, you've already been funny on this thread.

Humour is an interesting one. Men talk about it being competitive but actually a lot of it is about feeling safe and being allowed to be vulnerable, to take the risk of looking foolish. The reason some people are funny is because they get practice by engaging in it over and over, maybe only 50% of jokes land but if you're around people who don't care or judge you when the joke falls flat, you keep doing it, and you get more confident and you get well..funnier.

People tend not to make jokes in front of people who judge them, or who make them feel foolish. This is how humour gets pushed down, how the freedom and safety to be 'silly' or 'witty' gets stifled. And then people (often women) say to themselves 'well I'm not funny'. Nope. You just had a shitty, mean-spirited audience for years.

BathtimeFunkster · 24/05/2015 14:56

You're really funny.

You're sparky and smart and have a well developed sense of the absurd.

You were even funny on your first thread.

I'm glad you're rediscovering all these good things about yourself.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/05/2015 15:19

It's so sad isn't it? I lost so much of myself.

I've never thought about being funny before. I've never realised that it only happens when I'm completely comfortable in someone's company.

A lot of our evening socialising was done with his clients. I was always really nervous about what I was wearing and wanting to make the right impression. I normally wore a pair of heels. I was with people who were older and hugely successful professionally and sophisticated. I just felt like a bit of a failure.

And the people I've known for years, where we don't judge each other on professional success, who I've danced all night with, I feel comfortable with. And my new friends who have seen me covered in baby muck and who I share a bond with as we watch our children be naughty together, I feel comfortable with them too.

My friend said that dd was very like me personality wise once. Lovely as anything but given half a chance right in the centre of all the mischief. I would be heartbroken if she lost that naughty cheeky side of her.

I have no idea what I would have done without you guys around. I would have been a lot less certain of myself, that's for sure.

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