Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

I think the sadness hits when you are tired, let it come, it's okay to be sad sometimes. I know it may not seem much of a consolation but you have found out who he is when you are still young enough to move on, you could have spent a lifetime trying to make this man happy

Yes you will grieve for the future you thought you were going to have, but it is only one path, there are plenty of possible futures out there for you

No one year ago you didn't know what was going to happen but equally one year from now can bring all sorts of happiness

Exactly Christina. I started off 2010 by packing a sports holdall with my belongings and finally leaving my exH after 17 years of having to live my life his way. By the end of 2010 I had met my lovely DH and was enjoying the novelty of having my very own bank account

My only regret was having to leave my dear dog behind, says a lot for the state of the marriage when your pet loves you much more than your spouse does!

Snoozy

It's sounds as if you have been through a really hard time

Thanks Christina (and MaMa earlier), I had no idea at the time but my relationship with my exH was almost a mirror-image of the way my dad treated my mum. I simply didn't know any different as all my reference points were skewed from the very start.

Sorry Tom didn't want to make this all about me, I am very glad though that your DD isn't going to grow up with an unhealthy perception of "normal". The right decision is not always the easiest but you are doing really well right now.

Tom you are doing so well. Enjoy dreaming of your future home with cosy couches, wooden floors and filled with character and love.
( I loved the Team Aniston article- he really put her through the wringer, didn't he?)

I've had the exciting part of my day. Have met with 2 recruitment agencies - and am being put forward for 3 (I think) roles. Even if nothing comes out of these, it's done wonders for my confidence just talking about possible roles. I had expected to be told it would be difficult because I've been out of the job market for a while but I haven't had that at all.

Phew. It feels like a big relief and I'm really proud of myself. I don't have anyone else to tell right now so I'm telling you lot instead.

So now the bad part of the day. I'm sat in the sexual health clinic doing a sociological review of who comes here. Apparently teenage girls. I will be relieved when this is over and I can go home and sort some stuff out for the weekend.

Snoozy - I never responded to your post. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Looking back I am horrified about some of the ways he talked to me. I'm very relieved dd won't be hearing that and subliminally taking in the messages.

And Team Aniston all the way. I always thought the Team Aniston/Jolie was just a media circus thing but it's heartbreaking reading her story. I can identify with it so completely now.

Congratulations, Tom! What a great day. They'd all be lucky to have you, I'm sure.

Tomato
I am happy about the job prospects-
Chris post is spot on: the betrayal thorny path was not something we/you expected and yet you are dealing with it admirably; so who knows what will happen within a year. What is sure is that you will be able to face it- good or bad- in the most intelligent, honest and dignified way and with all your self-esteem and your ability to feel and love intact.
Good Luck Tomato.
(PS: Sorry MrM but I do not like the name Mr Babel. Babel sounds too nice (babbling) and too light (bubbles) to apply to this fossilized esthete. Someone called him: Mr Tomato. That made me cringe. The only tomatoes he deserve are rotten ones pelted in his direction. Someone proposed Brutulius. I think it is better.)

Thank you Mama and Blood.

In a way I feel like I've properly started the process of getting me put back together.

I'm going to have to face the fact that I won't see dd as much any longer. There was a job which would have been perfect a few weeks ago - 3 days a week, working for my dream type of organisation - crossover charity and my specialism. However the money wasn't enough and so I have had to turn down applying for it. Hey ho. Onwards and upwards.

I'm torn between Mr Babel and Mr Shard. It's the "building a monument to themselves/self destruct angle" and the "pretentious tower made of glass" which both appeal. And combining them gives Mr BS which also appeals!

OK let it be Sir/Lord BS
Onward and Upward as you said tomato
Hugs!

Why are we knighting him though? Don't think he should be sir or Lord anything. I want to call him Arse Architect (AA) or the Brutalist or Up his own Arse-itect, (though I can see none of these is very catchy!)

I think Up His Own Arse-itect is very catchy. It's just a bugger to type out and my phone keeps changing the text.

AA on the other hand also works. It feeds into Christina's prediction that he will develop an addiction. Which would probably be alcohol although I wouldn't be surprised if he comes down (pun intended) off his high horse about coke at some point in the future.

Sir or Lord BS works because of the Babel Shard aspect, but IMHO it's even better because together they are BS, which he is full of .

In recognition of his BS we have awarded him am honorary Sir/Lordship.

Yes but how good is he really at the old BS? He's been sussed good and proper!! He can't even be inventive - he's following the script word for word.

Maybe just plain old Arse-itect?

Ha ha!! Yes I like that one too

How about Shard Arse?

Glad you got on well with the recruiters today tomtom.

Lord Babel Shard (BS) sounds good - or you could go a bit further and make it Babel Shart?

Huge day for you, but you have done it, so another step closer to being the new you

I think when you have been young, successful and independent and then take on the role of mother and wife it's difficult to find the new you. You can't go back so I think we find somewhere in the middle and discover a whole new perSon

I can see that now happening with you xx

Christina - you have a knack of putting your finger on it. I thought I was really struggling with being a wife and mother. Turns out I was just struggling with being a wife to an arsehole.

It feels like such a relief thinking I can be myself again. And I don't have to try and cook perfect food or have an opinion about design.

I've told the last of my friends I have been intending to tell. I saw her really quickly but she's the final member of my team (until I sort out SHL) and the only one who doesn't have children. The Arse-itect has dd over the weekend so I have a pass for tomorrow night and I am joining her for a silly night at the pub. It will be the first proper, normal night out I will have had for a long time so goodness knows what kind of a state I get into.

Ohhh a night out, good for you xx

I know. I've forgotten what that even looks like!!

Oh dear, I'm thinking Sunday might be a lost day

It can't be! I've already booked in for yoga in the morning, then I need to get the train and then I'm meeting wise old owl. I hadn't banked on a hangover.