Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

TO RECAP (apologies for shouting)

1. He wouldn't get up till 7.30am, and if kids were not awake he would literally drag them out of bed, by feet, shouting at them.

2. They saw him with his hand around my throat, hitting me around the head. They cried and they were terrified. I will never forgive him for that.

3......he admitted to me that he does play games with me, and he continued with things like withholding information from me... Who does this? No normal person does this!

4. He said to me he had to be nice enough that she would sign the papers, but mean enough to keep her wanting the divorce. HE'S CURRENTLY DOING THE SAME TO YOU

This guy needs serious help and you are not the one to fix him. He needs to fix himself. He needs to be accountable for his own actions & demons.

My heart breaks for you and your babies. I will pray that they don't learn the wrong lessons from their father and they don't end up meeting and marrying abusers because of some "daddy complex" wanting to please daddy/abusers so he loves me, that he doesn't shout at me........truly heartbreaking.......

One step at a time Name. Stay strong, stay focused. You and your girls are your top priority.

The children are with new, and I will keep them grounded. This weekend he did loads and loads with them - park, funfair, animal show, science museum, visit to cousins. He kept them busy and they loved it.

At drop off he was civil and didn't chat/pressure me. He and kids had bonded well, I could see that. He acting with good grace.

If he could stay this way life would be perfect. At the moment I feel like I can't be with him because I've told too many people what happened. If nobody knew, I could go back to the new and improved him.

You are right, he is deliberately being nice to keep me. But it all seemed so sad today. God knows why I am still attached to him.

If nobody knew, I could go back to the new and improved him.

You know the truth. Your girls know the truth. He knows his twisted f'd up truth.

So by going back to him, what message would you be sending to your girls?

He is most certainly not NEW or improved........he's shown you who the real him is, believe him!

God knows why I am still attached to him.

You are human. You have children. You cannot just erase those feelings in a matter of weeks. It takes time. Be kind to yourself (((CUDDLES)))

It should be enough to you that your children saw him attacking you.

There is no new or improved him, not after a few months. There is only the same old him, except he is in the make up phase of the abuse cycle.

Check about the abuse cycle. The nasty bits are followed by nice bits, which keep the victims hoping that the nice bits will last.

the nice bits suck you back in, i could bore you all night about the nice things mine did. he couldnt sustain it because he wasnt fixed. just as yours is not fixed.im glad the dds had a good time. i would love you to compare notes with his psycho ex. i have no doubt my abuser has regaled his new gf wirh tales of my pyscho behaviour. if she only knew the truth.

At the moment I feel like I can't be with him because I've told too many people what happened. Er, no, you can't be with him because you need to protect your children from living with an abusive violent man! God, one weekend where he actually spends proper time with his children and you see that as good grace? You don't really believe he has changed just because he has managed not to be unpleasant for a day or two, do you?

Just ride the roller coaster NC. Keep recording your memories and keep reading books. Keep watching your family and how healthy relationships look.

Also, remember that there are nearly always more than two choices - your choices are not to stay as you are, or go back to him. You have plenty of choices around co-parenting (which seems to have gone very well this weekend) and getting your own home (near to your lovely family).

One question, is he paying his maintenance regularly and on time?

Just ride the roller coaster NC. Keep recording your memories and keep reading books. Keep watching your family and how healthy relationships look.
I am trying to just ride it out at the moment. I think I've gone from a high to a low on the journey but I am trying to just ride it out.

Feels SO much better to have the DDs at home and know they are ok.

He is not paying maintenance. The youngest goes to nursery and he is paying the childcare vouchers out of our 'joint' account till the end of this month, because it's the end of the tax year for our accounts, and then they get transferred to me.

Because I am earning my own money now, I don't think it would even occur to him that he should be paying towards the children whilst they are in my care.

He is not paying maintenance.

Why am I not surprised?

You must keep you and your children as safe as possible from his influence.

Maybe this is a good time to point out to him how much maintenance he should be paying...

The DDs could have attended a wedding next weekend with H, but he chose to see them this weekend as well. They saw SIL and cousins this weekend.

Cousins said that they were told my DDs cannot come to the family wedding, because their mum (me), has said we already have a different wedding to go to this weekend. Hmm. Not true. It's his choice not to take them, I would not have said no to this at all, I haven't refused him contact at all.

Eldest DD thinks they must have got confused on dates, I have just agreed with her for now. I don't think she is disappointed, because we do have nice plans this weekend, but even then, I am not sure what happened there - it could be a simple miscommunication, or else I am getting the blame for them not attending. Not sure.

Maybe this is a good time to point out to him how much maintenance he should be paying...

Yes you would think so. But I am worried that if I ask for maintanence, which I know he won't want to give, then he will react by demanding more access to the children.

He did already say a while back he wanted them every other weekend, but that never materialised. I would rather the courts/SHL deal with maintenance.

Am I being a coward? Is that how we got into this mess in the first place, me over-worrying and being too scared to ask for basic things from him?

I do wonder if the fear/control was somewhat in my head and not real. I know it wasn't, I have solid examples of things he said and did, but somehow I am full of doubt again.

How did you get through this? You went through similar?

I would rather the courts/SHL deal with maintenance.

But then you lose money.
And in fact, I'd let the courts/SHL deal with contact, and keep it to a minimum.

maintenance and contact are 2 separate issues. I would go to child maintenance options and get them to deal with the maintenance side on your behalf. It is a legal requirement and as there has been DV they won't charge you the £20 fee.

But contact - yep I agree, courts can sort it out.

I am not sure what happened there - it could be a simple miscommunication, or else I am getting the blame for them not attending. Not sure.

Bare-faced lie gets my vote. No doubt he doesn't want them attending the wedding because he has other ideas about what he wants to do there (get drunk is a reasonable assumption).

How can the control be in your head when your H actually admitted to you in so many words that he plays mind-games.

I think I can see where you're coming from about the maintenance issue - as long as you can afford it it may be expedient to get into a routine that suits you and the girls, and deal with the whole money thing in one go.

I agree about separating contact and maintenance.

Remember, maintenance isn't a handout for you, it's financial support for your daughters from their parent.

Unfortunately contact and maintenance are not that dissociated, as maintenance is calculated based on nights spent with the non-resident parent.

I presume he'd want more contact to pay less maintenance, which is why I'd sort contact through the court. Maintenance could be adjusted later.

If he settles into a pattern of contact that he has suggested, make sure it's in writing, then you tell him that he owes you X in maintenance, as per the calculator, or you'll have to go through official channels.
In that case, don't change contact arrangements, and if he wants more, he'd have to go through court and you'd be telling court why you don't want more contact.

Do not wobble! Please - just don't. For the sake of your children, keep going with divorcing this man. Be the parent they deserve and protect them from a dysfunctional upbringing because they cannot protect themselves.

You should cut your contact with him to the very bare bones. Any contact should be via email and should be strictly relevant to the children / business matters. Any other contact / trips down memory lane etc is a bad idea and will just prolong the agony. He wants to win and I can give you a guarantee that if you take him back you will just have to either live with an abusive man all your life or start this whole process again.

He is not a nice man because nice men do not behave like he has done. Try and keep telling yourself that. It's all smoke and mirrors right now - don't play the game because you don't need to. Get rid of this twat once and for all.

Good luck

And have you googled the cycle of abuse? That's all that's happening here. Trust me on this one

I spent a fair few years under the spell of an emotionally abusive man. I look back on that time with astonishment now at just how brainwashed I was. Five years down the line I'm now married to a wonderful man. It will work out for you but keep going

I think I am still under his spell, but I am trying very hard not to be. I am googling and reading and not getting much work done at all!

Cycle of abuse and the grief of divorce have been my hot topics of late. Cycle of abuse rings bells loud and clear, as does antisocial personality disorder and narcisstic personality disorder.

My heart was breaking today listening to my sis discuss her holiday plans, going to a resort on my recommendation, with her husband and DC. Just another reminder of who I was and how I won't have that now.

But I have joined a single parents group so lots of new potential for socialising.

I will do this, but am just allowing myself to feel down and hurt for a bit before I pick myself back up.

It's exhausting leaving the person you loved.

You poor love, ((((hug))))

Of course you have to allow your feelings expression, otherwise your spirit gets stuck as my friend would say. Feelings repressed turn inwards and change their face, anger turns to resentment and so on.

You have lovely, wonderful children to entertain and fun things to do tomorrow!

Give yourself a small treat every day

Good post Jux.

Thinking of you NC and hoping that today is easier than yesterday.

Thank you everyone, your words really do help. They are living me up out of this. I do feel much better today already, but I am still going to take it easy and let myself me sad.

I need to tackle my weight next, I have put on about a stone since I left, which is not helping me to feel better or in control. But I will do it, one step at a time. The sun is shining today which always helps.