Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

I'm someone who watches their weight NC and I think that it's much easier in the summer - lots of nice fruit and salad around, lots of hydration and incentives to show a bit of skin

I feel bad that whilst he was a shit husband, he didn't have this wake-up call until now, and so he wasn't given a chance to behave and make this work and realise how serious I was about leaving.

He always had the chance to behave better, to be decent, always. You're talking as if it's your job to make that happen, and by extension was your fault if you didn't. This is what you've come to believe. It's not true and it never was.

If he wants to change, to take ownership of his crap, to be loving and kind to you and the children,he will do that whether you're with him or not. So you can make the best break you can, and if he changes, after maybe a year or two of his consistently working with you, as a brilliant divorced parent, respectfully and decently, you could decide that you wanted any kind relationship with him, who knows. Or you might not. That should have no bearing on his changing for the better if that's what he really wants to do.

And if a year or two sounds like too long to you, realistically, for him to be able to consistently do the right thing, why would you ever want to be in a relationship with him?

If someone needs the threat of their partner leaving to behave, not only as a loving partner, but just a decent person, then it's not worth having a relationship with that person.

abused women are conditioned to be
grateful for crumbs. all hes done is look after his kids. but this contrasts so starkly with his normal behaviour, that to you it is like gold dust. he has done nothing special, simply behaved like a normal dad but with a gameplan. and you need to keep working on your self esteem.

He always had the chance to behave better, to be decent, always. You're talking as if it's your job to make that happen, and by extension was your fault if you didn't. This is what you've come to believe. It's not true and it never was.

Hmm... I think this is a bit of a lightbulb moment for me (one of many!). I do think this is my fault, and if only I would put up and shut up then we could carry on as normal. He might change, or he might not - my sister thinks that if I were to go back to him he would not change, and I would be going through this whole process again in a years time.

You are right in saying he has a choice, and also in saying that I see this as my fault. I have done this throughout or marriage - try to persuade him or explain to him how to behave differently, till I am blue in the face, but he just never did.

I told him - and my SIL too - how much it drove me nuts that he would come home from work, get changed ready to go out, and then just leave, without a word. He just refused to stop doing it.

If I challenged him by asking where he was going, he would say 'out'. With who? 'the usual'.

When I tried/begged/pleaded with him to tell me about his plans a little bit earlier, he would say 'why? were you going to go out?' or 'its obvious I'm going out if I am dressed like this' or 'it's all last minute, we don't decide weeks in advance that we are going out'.

I would say 'well you decide before you get home from work, or after you have spoken to friend on phone, or before you go in the shower, why don't you tell me then?' He would say 'Well what difference does it make if I tell you then or now? What are you going to do thats different?'

These are pretty much word for word conversations. There was no discussion.

So yes, you are right, he did have a choice.

One thing that changed when I left was that I really noticed how much other people speak and share day to day information. I remember my car needing fixing and me and my dad spoke about which garage to take it to, and my opinion was actually considered in the conversation.

Even saying 'I'm popping to the shops, would you like anything?' was never, ever spoken in my house, he would just up and go and do his thing.

I got better at managing him by sending messages 'if you are passing shops please pick up some bread' etc, so that way I minimised it I guess, by thinking he is still doing jobs for me, so it's fine. It wasn't fine.

That sounds like such an unhappy existence NC.

my sister thinks that if I were to go back to him he would not change, and I would be going through this whole process again in a years time.

Your sister is 100% right!

In fact, I think he'd be worse. He would know that you'd accept him beating you up in front of the kids. And he'd have to punish you for "making a fuss".

abused women are conditioned to be grateful for crumbs. all hes done is look after his kids. but this contrasts so starkly with his normal behaviour, that to you it is like gold dust.

Yes! This is it, this is true. He has never ever taken time off before for any sort of childcare - no paternity leave when I had my last c-section, no school holidays, nothing. Family holidays were strictly at Xmas when his work was shut down, and even then it was either trip away (boring) or we had to go stay with his parents for the whole Xmas break every year, no alternatives.

Last year he took one week off over the summer hols at my request. We stayed at home doing fun stuff, and he still refers back to that week as being fun, when he spent time with DDs. (wtf was I thinking? I should have demanded a holiday from him, since he had the money and the time!)

My brother has taken the week off to be with his children, as has my SHL, but H has taken one day off plus had the bank hol weekend, and then handed them back to be to juggle over the rest of the half term whilst he goes back to work.

You are right, I consider this to be gold dust in the grander scheme of his family involvement to date.

he has done nothing special, simply behaved like a normal dad but with a gameplan

Hmm.. you are right. He will have a gameplan, he is very much like that.

and you need to keep working on your self esteem.

Yes, the self-esteem thing. I have started thinking about this, and it's fair to say it's fairly battered. I have realised I did have things going on from childhood which were not good and I entered this relationship and marriage with fairly low esteem anyway. I need to fix this, and I need to be a good and confident mum for my children.

I need to believe I am not the one breaking up this marriage, and he has had his last chance.

I swear I tried as hard as I possibly could, and I did keep him happy for so long.

But he just didn't want to do it for me, he couldn't have. To not even think to pick up the phone and book a restaurant table for my 40th birthday? To queue at our local and not even tell them it was my birthday, so it was like any other meal out, except we skipped dessert because kids were tired.

When he had a surprise meal, a surprise cake at home, and a surprise party from me, just months earlier,

And then give me a second-hand gift, and a free tester bottle of perfume for my birthday (it even had the tester sticker on it ffs, and I said it was lovely)... Happy birthday to me.

In fact, I think he'd be worse. He would know that you'd accept him beating you up in front of the kids. And he'd have to punish you for "making a fuss".

Yes. He did get very passive-aggressive, and then very angry after I told the police and they had arrested him. No sign of remorse. There wouldn't be any now either.

If I went back now, his whole family, him, ILs, SIL would be eventually be looking down at me for making a fuss and then realising my error and going back to him. tbh, I would probably be doing the same and embarrassed about my silly adventure.

perhaps if you read back this and your previous thread to remind you self it will help you become clearer about your future.

If he really wanted to change then he would have done that abusers course, got some counselling for himself, but no he is putting it onto you. If you go to counselling with him, if you move back he will behave better. It's all about you changing to his will's and wants, rather the him changing himself to make him better for you and your dc.

Namechanger please hold onto your truth, and the decision you have made that stems from it. This can feel very lonely IRL (so many think it must be six-of-one, half-a-dozen of another, even those who partially understand), and I might well have wavered without MN to hold my hand. Once the divorce was under way his behaviour just reinforced the fact that I was doing the right thing, and my SHL was a tremendous help.

You're doing a great job NC, stand firm. I see this from the POV of your DC, as I was one of them, and my Mum didn't leave. I grew up seeing that behaviour, day in, day out. Every time you have a wobble, think of your children. If any other reason doesn't seem strong enough, do it for them. You can do it.

nc, please remain cynical about the abusers course. mine did it for nearly two years and i stupidly stood by him. the course didnt work! his abuse just worse and he became more manipulative. he never forgave me going to the police. it was all my fault.
he said that he 'turned into a monster'.
on another note, there is more evidence that sustained abuse leads to chronic illnesses. i have an illness that i truly believe was caused by the stress. do take this seriously nc. i am no longer able to work because of this illness. is this the future you want?

I see this from the POV of your DC, as I was one of them, and my Mum didn't leave. I grew up seeing that behaviour, day in, day out

I'm sorry to hear that Cherry. Did you grow up seeing emotional abuse or was it physical? There was 'only' one physical assault which the DC saw but seem to have alp most forgiven/forgotten about.

Again today they are saying they would love it if they could have mummy and daddy together.

I do wonder how our marriage and all its emotional dysfunctions would affect them growing up. I guess they would learn never to put themselves first, and make their H the centre of all decision making?

I just need to believe I am doing absolutely the right thing for them.

Again today they are saying they would love it if they could have mummy and daddy together.

I wonder if anyone's been influencing them

of course he will use the kids to get to you. and influencing them in this way shows just how ruthless he is. "if me and mummy got back together, we could all go out like this together. would you like that?"
nc, please get angry on their behalf.

He's just played super Dad with them, of course they're hoping it would all be wonderful and fantastic to be a family again because that's what Daddy has been telling them...

You have to end it for them otherwise they will get involved with equally awful abusive partners in the future.

"if me and mummy got back together, we could all go out like this together. would you like that?"

I don't think he would say this outright because he knows I would call him up on it if I found out. But he was playing super-dad, that's for sure.

I do keep remembering the nice days out we had, etc, when he did come along. The good times did happen. I am taking these away for all of us. I really hope they understand why in the future. DD1 says she understands but she is the one I worry most about.

I can't imagine going back and living with the real him now, it would be isolating and unbearable all over again, but it is very sad to see him being nice now.

Today he is messaging me because he needs some house documents that I have. So I know he is getting on with things without me, and that must surely mean he has a game-plan going on. I suspect it is to keep me happy to I accept a smaller settlement from him, but I really don't know.

We had a good day today. Head was screwed on a little better, so I got some work things out of the way. Took DDs on a bike/scooter ride and they are watching some tv before bed, miraculously not arguing today.

I'm just going to try living on autopilot now whilst proceeding with the divorce.

Please take heed of MyRightFoot's post at 16.24 and if your stbxh is entitled to see/have any of the documents that you hold, give him copies and tell him you can't recall where you put the originals.

correction: tell him you've given the originals to your solicitor.

nc, excuse me asking but do you still feel youre in love with him? forget wanting a family unit for your kids and the house situation, what are your feelings?

The good times did happen. I am taking these away for all of us. I really hope they understand why in the future. DD1 says she understands but she is the one I worry most about.

What you are taking are the bad times.

They can still have good times, with each of you.

The alternative might mean they living without a mother and a father because he had killed her, or growing up very damaged from witnessing a violent abusive relationship.

But who took the good times together was ALL HIM. You are only protecting yourself and your children.

Another thing to remember is that no parent can treat their kids to a w/e full of such costly, high-energy activities and visits to places of educational worth EVERY bloody time! This was over-kill in the extreme.

Most parents have a lot of other life stuff to do for the family as well. Sorry but that really annoyed me. That was sooo not real, what he did there.

It was overkill. Disney Dad on steroids. That annoyed me too; because these things are all done for show. They dazzle and excite the children, and paint him in a good light at the same time.

I'm glad your DDs had some fun with you today.