Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Seriously, please get that book on boundaries. It will stop that head fog when you understand what is going on with the twisting things, the book explains very well and how to make it go another way by establishing your own boundaries.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I have just ordered it on kindle. I used to think self-help books where for people who read but don't act on it (i.e. just like his best friend who has 100's of these but can't seem to act and improve his life at all).

But I have been finding them very useful in making sense of all of this.

The ones I ordered are:
Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine

30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics by Ab Admin

Did you reply last night? Hope things feel clearer this morning.

I didn't reply, I am not going to. Will text him later to find out what time DDs will be home, but that's it.

The didn't manage to take them to theme park in the end, despite promising them he would. They went to his sisters house instead.

This weekend we are heading out with their cousins to a huge park with sandpit, pool, etc for the day, and taking their beloved bikes (assuming H brings them with him today as promised). They will love that.

Otherwise do your best not to listen to him again, only communicate about the DC as necessary, and get on with your own life

Trying to do this. Two holidays booked in the summer has really helped me to start looking forward and not worrying about doing this alone.

And two more holidays planned for next summer already although I will be skint by then.

He is getting a referral for counselling now, he just let me know. I can't take him back on the basis of that, but it does make it harder.

Hi Name. Long time lurker here who has followed your story from the beginning, just totally aghast at what a tosspot your H is.

Don't let him play you! If he is getting a referral for counselling, then good for him. But he should be doing this to help himself, not to be 'helping' you. But, of course, if he were pursuing the counselling route to help himself then he would have no need to be ramming it down your throat at every opportunity.

This is further blatant manipulation. Let all the promises and coercion fall on deaf ears. Just please don't fall for it, however hard it is. A friend of mine has just come out the other side of a situation very similar to yours and her life is so much better for it!

Stay strong. You CAN do this, however hard. Save your strength for when he ramps the 'poor Daddy' routine to your children up a gear. That's going to be the really really tough part.

Full of admiration for you

I would get a plan B in place for the wanker refusing to bring the bikes.

Big well done for ignoring his texts and recognising them as the Nice part of his nasty-nice cycle.

Hmm. They have gone to the park. The local huge park which I loved. (He hated it, because it's a boring park).

They have a small funfair there and so DC will be loving it. Argh! He would not go to anything like this when we were married unless I dragged him there.

Why could he have not been like this when we were married? Taking them out, enjoying time with them, seeing them smile. And giving me some time as well. I was with them 24/7 and he wouldn't even take them to the corner shop with him.

And never did the shopping. Never made any meals for them or took any responsibility for them.

And now they are living in our lovely house and going to the sodding fair together.

Ugh, I feel like I should be giving him a second chance as he is obviously now finally trying and making an effort.

I know it can't last but it all feels so sad to end what could have been a happy marriage. The fact that I have told so many family members what happened means I can't really go back now. But I want to.

My wobbles are so annoying.

Just goes to show that it is better for your DCs that you divorce him. At least now they have a chance to build a decent relationship with him. He demonstrated no interest in doing this when you were together.

Ugh, I feel like I should be giving him a second chance as he is obviously now finally trying and making an effort.

ARGH! One weekend of going to the park and to the theme park is not "making an effort". Oh, sorry, he didn't manage the theme park did he?

It's so ridiculous, I am annoying myself with my constant up and downs!

Randomly, one of DD2 school mums just called me. I've not spoken to her since I left, as her daughter was best friends with mine at their old school.

She has invited us to come up to theirs for her daughters birthday. My DD2 is only 5, she would love a chance to see her old school friends again. I said I will go, and perhaps arrange a playdate for DD1 as well, as she is missing her old school friends as well. The mum was lovely, and said DD could stay the whole day, so they get lots of time together. I could stay and see other school mums or I could hide away and see them when I am ready to.

Then that got me missing my old city, my old life and my school mum friends. It would be so easy to just go back home, live my old life again, and have DH pulling his socks up and actually participating in family life now he has had his scare. I know he doesn't care for me ultimately, he can't do, the way he has treated me.

I need him to be nasty again, the nice part of the cycle is so difficult to cope with.

I know he will be annoyed when I tell him I'm not getting back together even if he is doing the counselling course.

Oh, sorry, he didn't manage the theme park did he?

No, he didn't. Because all of his friends are men who are either single, or, like him, will go out and do things without their families, etc, and so he sees them alone.

Him and his best friend work together and then would go out for meals after work someday to catch up he might be the other woman.

But never ever thought to go for a meal and invite wives and children along. If we ate together it was always at one of our houses, with me or best friend's wife cooking. We were kept at home, rather than being partners to go out with, and enjoy life with, iyswim. The eating out and enjoying life bit was reserved for them. Weirdos.

Ugh, I feel like I should be giving him a second chance I think you will find you have given him a number of second changes. You need to give yourself a second chance at a happy life with your children with out him.

Gosh, whatever I may say about XH - and I frequently do - I can't imagine him not welcoming his DC back from a trip away with open arms. Depending on mood, and how much of a fight I'd had to put up for "permission" to take them away, he may have greeted me and helped me with the cases or ignored me and left me to it, but you can be sure he would have brought his DC inside and tucked them up because he would genuinely have missed them and probably worried about them. On the occasion of me taking youngest to New York he went to the airport to pick us up and swing DS onto his shoulders. Not only was he happy to provide a lift, we probably couldn't have forced him not to come for us!

He wasn't all that gracious about presents (when he said "oh you shouldn't have" he really meant it!) but I also can't imagine him being quite so dismissive about gifts from his wee babes. He would probably have said something like that's lovely, but Daddies don't need presents, give it to Mommy instead (and not realised at all that it hurt their feelings; if he had realised they were hurt he would have gone out to get them a present to make up for it ). He hardly ever had any money, but when he did he wouldn't spend it on himself. He could sometimes be hauled out of his bear pit if it was for the sake of a lovely day out with the DC, obviously not because he expected to enjoy it but because they would. He was also perfectly happy to drive them to kiddies' parties etc, although he did have a bit of a terror of possibly having to go up to the house so would normally drag me or an older DC along for that part. He's a miserable old sod with an interesting collection of personality disorders, but there has never been any question that he loves his boys.

Yours? Pfft. You're really wasting your pity thinking of him losing his family because frankly, he didn't appreciate 'em when he had 'em. He's not missing them the way you do and, I suspect, not missing you as much as you're sometimes, off and on, missing him; certainly not for the same reasons. He just wants normal service resumed. Don't hold your breath over the counselling, assuming he even starts it let alone finishes. Soon enough he'll be telling you how the counsellor is of the opinion that you must be very difficult to live with. Which may or may not be true but in any case you can be sure the counsellor wouldn't exactly be given an unbiased account. That is one of several reasons why it won't help.

Ha, after re-reading and editing about four times before posting I've now noticed my last paragraph wasn't clear. For the avoidance of doubt, I meant the counsellor may or may not have said you must be difficult to live with. I'm quite sure you're not!

hon, giving him a chance based on so very little will never work. your. wobbles are inevitable but going back to your old life?

he is taking the piss out of you. he doesnt love you, he doesnt respect you, he doesnt even like you. and now there is a part of him that hates you for growing a pair. if you go backhe will make you pay for that rebellion.

Stick with it, NC.

Court may even order him to give you back the house, at least until your youngest is 18, it's really not unheard of. You could have your old life back, with your old friends, in your old city, but without the constant drag and misery of ShitFace being about as well.

Stay firm. You know that the minute he gets you back in your box he'll abandon any pretence of being the man you want and your children need. Reread some of your posts. Remember what it was like living with him? What it was like for your children living with him?

Please, as soon as you have a spare half hour, start reading that book you ordered on BOUNDARIES

He assaulted you in front of your dear dear children. 'Making the effort' to take them to the park now is a teensy drop of water into a vast ocean.

Do not change your thinking because he does one or two totally out of character things. Read that book, pretty please.

I've just this moment read 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics. It's very short, very clear. It's on Amazon, and the Kindle edition is £2.71. Get it, read it - it'll take less than half an hour. I can pretty well guarantee you'll be saying "yes!" all the way through.

Here: www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_9?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=30+covert+emotional+manipulation+tactics&sprefix=30+Covert%2Caps%2C169

He is dropping the DDs back to me in an hour or so, I am hoping my wobbles are ok by then. It does make total sense what everyone is saying, but I can't seem to get it into my head.

This must be so difficult for the DDs so spend time with him and then have to come back to me and have their family split up every time they see us both. I think I will feel better once I have them back with me.

He has been a good dad today, I do wonder what he would be like if he had them for the week, or a longer time period, or when the weather wasn't good, etc. He has a family wedding next weekend that the DDs would have loved, it's interesting that he has chosen to have them this weekend and not over the wedding period.

I can only hope that he is enjoying his time with them, but is not pining to be with them, I think that is what is making me feel bad at the moment, like I am splitting them up when everyone else wants us to be together. I am giving myself a harder life than I had, and somehow can't see the logic in doing so.

As much as I miss my old city, I would not go back and live there as my family are all now very close by, and I see them regularly which I really, really missed before.

Some of it might be anxiety at not yet having our own house, and living with my parents which is both supportive and difficult at the same time.

I feel bad that whilst he was a shit husband, he didn't have this wake-up call until now, and so he wasn't given a chance to behave and make this work and realise how serious I was about leaving. Although his wake-up call should have happened when hit me and I left for the night. I think his arrogance just got the better of him, as I am sure it would do again over time.

I was so strong a few days ago, and now what's happened to me. Maybe I'm just wobbling because I've not seen the DDs for a few days and I'm feeling bad that they must be enjoying time with their daddy again.

Counselling is not going to work I am beginning to see, he will never be able to give an unbiased view of what went on in our marriage, and even now he is adamant the hitting was just a final symptom, and what we need to address first is our collective failings - which of course means my failings mostly. The fact that he won't do the domestic violence course - because this places him at the heart of what he did - means he will never be happy unless he is on a course that agrees how unreasonable his wife was. Argh.

I read the 30 tactics book - I bought this earlier on today.
It's very brief and to-the-point and probably full of stuff I could find online but it's an affirming read.

I am really getting to know these tactics now, although I struggle with the questions of why he is doing this, and whether it is deliberate or not.

Part of me knows it must be deliberate, as he admitted to me that he does play games with me, and he continued with things like withholding information from me even when I explained to him so many times how I felt and asked him not to do it.

I remember talking to him about his first divorce (she was a psycho, apparently ). She asked for the divorce, reluctantly it seems, but he did want the marriage to end too.

He said to me he had to be nice enough that she would sign the papers, but mean enough to keep her wanting the divorce.

I just can't fully reconcile myself with the idea that this is all planned.

I've started the Boundaries book, and it is resonating with me already.

The big worry is also how he would treat the DDs once they are older. He definitely acts like he 'owns' them at the moment, and they need to do as he says, but he is ok to speak badly to them.

Usual parenting fails we all have is fine, but to be mean or spiteful to them, which he was to me, would just kill off their self-esteem. I think I just need to see them and see that they are ok.

Every breath he took and every thought he had gave him the chance to behave Right to you and DC. He was given every opportunity in the cosmos to behave ethically, to be in and with love for all of you. He rejected every opportunity to be Right including (probably) his first marriage and chose instead to be a cruel monster (again?)

Your children are with you, yes? They will learn true love from you. Time will show them, if they don't already know, who their father is on the moral, ethical and emotional scales.