Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Well, you know that's bollocks.

And you know they're over there now because exh couldn't bear ny more "what can I do?" And "I'm boooooored" so he's pushed his sister into behaving like one.

I was talking about the vibe thing being bollocks. x-post.

You gave him the "wake up call" option and he couldn't even manage that for a week. Remember he was all for attending the course and freeing up cash by selling the old house? He wouldn't even attend the course.

Plus would you then spend the rest of your lives looking over your shoulder waiting for him to slip up? Can you imagine the daily anxiety you and your girls would have to live with for the rest of your lives? Is that even worth it?

No, no and no! Not now that I have seen how free and lovely and stress-free life could be without him. I would not wish my old life back on me, ever. So I have no idea why I feel bad, or, dare I say it, feel sorry for him. It's because he is back to the nice part of the cycle. Promising to change, but only if I can change too.

The thing is, he slips up every time I interact with him. There is always, always something he says or does that I disagree with. I agree that he is damaged goods, I have no idea why he is this way.

Re the wake-up call. He might be able to put up a front for a little while but he'll never maintain it.

If it really is the wake up call, then he'll do a lot of work soul searching and talking everything thrrough with a therapist trained in abusive relationships. It will take years - years and years - for him to unlearn his natural abusive patterns of behaviour, and to rebuild himself. He will do it better alone, keeping well away from you and respecting your decisions about the children and their well-being. He will do it better away from his children too, allowing them to heal from the abuse they have already suffered. Ideally, he would not reappear in their lives until he is well into the process. Letters, maybe, photos, cards etc. at most.

That's not going to happen, is it?

The 'vibe' thing is complete bollocks, and so unfair of him to blame our lack of social life on me.

It was me arranging parties and date nights, and my family who would come to stay and enjoy life with us. And when they came he would sometimes participate, sometimes not speak to anyone and go to bed early, and sometimes accuse me of neglecting him.

I admit I hated going to his sisters house because he would then disappear out drinking with his BIL. For NYE, because he would leave me there with DC, then he would go out with his BILs and text me Happy NYE at midnight whilst I was sat at his sisters house with 3 DC, waiting to go home.

I expected the wake-up call to be after he hit me, when I gave him the opportunity to speak. I genuinely thought it would be a conversation about his remorse, but it was a conversation about how it was all my fault.

So he didn't take that wake-up call.

His next wake-up call was when he came home and found me and DC gone, all of our cupboards empty and me telling him I had left and moved 1.5h away. The next time we spoke he said the same thing - it's my fault for neglecting him, being angry and tired, focusing too much on the DDs.

So he didn't take that wake-up call either.

The next was saying I wanted a divorce. He used that to say I am being too harsh and need to explore my options, and somehow had me agreeing to move in with him and his parents.

So he didn't take that wake-up call either.

So there is no reason at all to think this one, or the next, or the next will be any different.

Argh, why can't he just be a decent normal man. He is intent on self-destruction, I am way past the point of doing anything about his journey now.

As Jux says, it will take him years and years to unlearn his natural abusive patterns. Don't make your girls casualties/collateral damage of his abusiveness.

He's just a class A P*rick that needs intensive therapy!

From what you have said about his attitudes to his dcs, it seems that 50/50 would actually be something you could threaten him with!

How sad he didn't want to see their plays, let them go to friends' parties, have anything he didn't have as a boy. Nasty, selfish, jealous and actually childish attitude.

Just keep reading what you have written. It should help when you feel yourself being dragged back in.

There is a really good book about boundaries called: Where to Draw the Line; How to Set Healthy Boundaries by Ann Katherine. If you have a kindle so much the better, because reading the beginning of this book will instantly make you start to feel stronger and more confident in yourself, so the sooner you can get a look at those pages the better!

Argh. He is texting me again, saying he will look for more counselling, asking what would help me to reconsider.

It's sad to see him wanting this to work now. It's too little too late but I don't want to regret leaving him or think I didn't give him a chance. I know I did everything I could, and I know I only have to wait a few weeks/months and he would be back to his old ways again.

But rebuffing him time and time again is difficult to do, the human and considerate side of me wants to give in, but that's the side of me that kept me in a bad sad marriage for too long.

I won't give in and I will not reply to his message.

Hand Holding Name

Thank you. How does he make me feel so guilty when he is the one who has behaved like crap for years and just thought he would get away with it?

I've had so many years of him hiding information, controlling my money, being moody at me going out, and not telling me when/where he is going, placing just huge and unreasonable demands on me and treating our children as if they were invisible.

And now it's all about him again. I don't want him. I want him to leave me alone and let me live a happy life without him. But he can't even do that for me.

His message reads:
Was thinking about me searching and finding suitable help counselling for me. But how will this help you?

What does that even mean? He has searched for counselling already, as have I. The difference is that he won't actually do it because he doesn't like what they say.

I have had a counsellor for two months now, and I'm a month into the Freedom Programme too. Just another example of how he cannot help himself and I somehow become responsible for his well-being and his happiness instead of him.

Life with him is such a head-fog. Nothing is a simple straightforward answer or a simple truth.

Everything is twisted, and everything I say or do will be repeated back to me months down the line in an argument. It's like walking in treacle.

My life now is full of simple honest people without agendas. I want it to stay like this and for this to me my daughters' new normal. Not his head games.

It's like he's keeping notes/score to later use as ammunition!?!?!?

His parents/family really did a number on this guy!

Was thinking about me searching and finding suitable help counselling for me. But how will this help you?

If I was him and I really wanted my wife back I'd be texting "I've found a counsellor and I start on X" and would leave you alone and give you space with the hope of you returning on your own accord......Actions speak louder than words, his words mean ZILCH!

I've been lurking on your threads for a while and just wanted to quickly pop on and say that I think you're amazing.
Stay strong!

Yes you could be right here - he is now saying he will try counselling, even though he knows full well that the divorce papers are in his email inbox - so later on he can say he tried everything and I was the unreasonable one who just let our marriage go on a whim, without trying etc.

A big part of this is that he always says things like this - next year I'm going to take more time off work, next year we will go on more holidays, next year life will get better.

But it never happens. Over 9 years I was waiting for things to get better. We had lovely DC but that was not happiness enough. And when we were in a good place financially e would only spend that on him alone.

So promises of counselling and good things in the future are irrelevant to me, they never happen.

I'm not living with the shit stuff now on the promise of a better time that never comes.

Thank you Bimplepops that's so nice to hear!

Although I don't feel strong at all - none of this feels like me or the way my life was supposed to be.

I'd love to fast forward to a years time when this is over.

When I'm nursing a heartache I usually start by time boxing the mourning period, so for e.g. I would allow myself up until Friday to throw my pity party.

Another thing I would do is to start to visualise myself no longer feeling the hurt/pain/disappointment, so e.g. on Friday I will be day 8 of NC!

You could get yourself another phone, and use that as your main phone or give him the new number but I doubt he'd listen to anything you tell him, so probably better to not give him the new number and only check the phone once a day, but have it with you when he has the children. Then only respond to any child related texts? This way you are in control and you are disengaging...........

Don't meet him to have coffee, there really is no need. It should be a business transaction when doing the hand over, I know that sounds harsh but you need to protect yourself.

nc i remember chucking my abuser out. two days later he rang saying he had slept in his car and could he come round for a shower. i ageed. helooked a mess so he had the shower and i made him a meal. as he ate he told me how it was all my fault. it took him just 30 minutes to revert to type. please stand firm and dont feel sorry for him, its all an act. now he is single he can go drinking with bil all he wants. it's a very lonely life you have had with him isnt it?

Seriously, please get that book on boundaries. It will stop that head fog when you understand what is going on with the twisting things, the book explains very well and how to make it go another way by establishing your own boundaries.

Did you reply last night?

Hope things feel clearer this morning.

Does it really matter what he says?

He lives a long way from you, your family and friends will know the truth. So will your DC as they grow up.

And to be honest having being caught by a virtual stranger who moaned about his ex-wife and how awful she was for 1/2 hour; I didn't blame her. Just thought there are two sides to every story, and I'd avoid going in that shop again. Stranger's don't care.

Keep a record of all you have done and put up with to try to keep this marriage going, just for you at low moments.
Otherwise do your best not to listen to him again, only communicate about the DC as necessary, and get on with your own life.

When I'm nursing a heartache I usually start by time boxing the mourning period, so for e.g. I would allow myself up until Friday to throw my pity party.

I am hoping the pity-party is over for now, I am trying not to think about it. Good things for today - one work deadline conquered, two more to go. DDs are back home today, I recorded Avengers Assemble last night so it will hopefully be movies and cuddles and easy dinner.

I have written a letter to shl regarding property matters, so another job done.

I unfortunately can't help feeling sorry for him, all alone, no family etc. But the truth of the matter is that he never felt sorry for me, ever.

• Not when I had a c-section and was home alone with a baby, and he continued to go out to work and socialise, and do as he pleased.
• Not when he hit me and it was my fault
• Not when I was told I needed a blood transfusion and we went drinking for the night
• Not when I had a two week old baby and packed an entire house to move, only to have him shouting down the phone because he didn't know where his wallet was
• Not when I had a 2-month old, 1-year old and dared to stay at my mums for a few weeks. I should have been ashamed that I wasn't staying with and caring for my husband apparently.
• Not when I had an op under general anaesthetic and needed someone at home with me the next day. He told me to call a friend for coffee and they can keep an eye on me instead.

But I should feel sorry for him now, because his actions have finally caught up with him.

i remember chucking my abuser out. two days later he rang saying he had slept in his car and could he come round for a shower. i ageed. helooked a mess so he had the shower and i made him a meal. as he ate he told me how it was all my fault.

Ugh, your ex sounds lovely!

Mine will also continue to be my fault, I am sure of that. In fact I can even picture it, in a year or so from now, him taking the mick about the time I left him. And him realising that I have come back because I can't do it alone, which would mean that he knows I will never leave again because I am scared of coping alone. SO he will get worse.

When I think about how threatened I felt after he hit me and was continuing to be angry and aggressive with me, I shudder. Even that was my fault, because apparently he was just hurt and confused and didn't realise I was withdrawing because I was scared of him.

I know the minute my full attention is not on him, he will react. He will try not to get angry, so it will be silence and stonewalling instead.