Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

The solicitor will know what to do.

His dad is a connected person for the disposal of capital assets.

This means he'd have to use actual market value rather than just actual proceeds when it comes to capital gains tax.

I wouldn't know about divorce settlements but I'd suspect the same guidelines would arise and you'd have recourse for any shortfall in actual proceeds to come off of his share.

You know what Joysmum, I read every word of that post and did not understand one of them! I felt like I'd put my hands over my ears and gone "la la la"!

Not criticisng you btw, just amused at myself, and slightly embarrassed

Freckles Although I keep saying solicitor I actually have a direct access barrister (you can google them). So he is a self- employed barrister. He is still expensive we keep costs down as I do the paperwork a solicitor would normally handle. So I have completed my own draft divorce papers, form E, miam form, arranged miam meeting etc

I had no idea what any of these things are so it was a slow learning process for me but works out a lot cheaper.

Barrister and sol charge similar amounts - around £300/h + vat. Sol fees will probably end up in the region of £20k + whereas barrister is predicted at £5/6k. This is of course all theroretical as we have no idea how H will respond.

But I am putting all I can into sol/barrister as I believe H will lie and cheat to get out of paying and is too manipulative for me to deal with alone. Plus he won't want to 'waste' money on a sol himself and I need to get a decent amount from him so I can raise the girls.

joysmum thanks so much for your post. I don't really understand it tbh but I will make a note for my sol. Any advice or thoughts are most gratefully received as I feel like I don't have a clue.

I am not particularly good or clued up at finances and need to get better at it.

Hi NC, glad you are doing okay. Your barrister sounds very good and clued up.

Just wanted to say with regard to your DD:
DD seems quite worried about people knowing what she is thinking and keeps saying she doesn't want people to know. Not sure how I should handle that.

I think this is a pointer that she is feeling/thinking things that she thinks are "wrong". EG "I love Daddy - but Daddy hurt Mummy, so I hate Daddy - but it's wrong to hate Daddy, I love Daddy. Mummy took us away from Daddy - I'm angry with Mummy - but I can't be angry with Mummy because I love her. I must be a bad person for having these feelings."

Being able to talk about these things with a counsellor will be so helpful for her. Did the GP refer through CAMHS? If so, see if the school can help push for a prompt response.

In the meantime I would probably just try to let her know that it's okay to feel her feelings, and if she feels sad or angry, it's okay to feel that way. Try to draw a distinction between the way you feel and the way you act. So: Feeling angry is okay. Hitting someone because you are angry is not okay.

You could also reassure her that her thoughts and feelings are private and she doesn't have to tell anyone what she feels if she doesn't want to.

Unfortunately I suspect that your STBXH has been putting pressure on her, quizzing her about her feelings and trying to manipulate her to say she loves him and wants to move in with him, etc. Bastard

I kind of hate to say this, but the sooner he loses interest in the DC, the better for them in the long term. It will be painful for them, but the stress of him abusing them - which is exactly what he's doing with the head games - is more painful.

Joysmum, omg, my post to you looks so rude! It wasn't meant like that, and I do apologise.

Thank you pocket saviour, I am really stressing about DDs ups and downs, and what you say makes a lot of sense. She must of course hate me too for throwing her whole life upside down, and she feel so conflicted.

The referral is via CAHMS, school pastoral care teacher also took me aside today and said the were concerned that DD seems very down and they will support her however they can.

I told them about his emotional manipulation and things he has been saying, and they know my concerns and said they will work closely with CAF (?) when the referral comes through.

I said I may also ask them for a letter stating their concerns, as I agree that H is damaging to them. I also agree that the sooner he loses interest the better for them in the long-run.

He is showing minimal interest for now - he dropped them home one hour late on Sunday and has not called or contacted them since then.

Jux I was the same as you - didn't understand lots of it and very embarrassed at myself for that!

Argh. Had a pleasant enough evening, till DD sat to do her homework. I dragged her through it, whilst DD3 played up and wouldn't eat her dinner, and DD2 talked loudly over everyone continuously. Miraculously I got her through her homework despite this.

Then bedtime, and DD1 was dragging her feet despite clearly being shattered. DD2 and DD3 were playing and generally being 3 and 6 year olds. They would not sleep, and I work in the evenings and have a lot on, so was feeling a bit stressed. I shouted at them. To listen to me and get ready for bed. They all jumped up and did it, and I got them all off. DD1 was in bed, and getting a little quiet again, I asked if she was ok and she burst into tears again

I stopped everything, sat with her, explained that I really want her to get homework done early and not have to nag her all evening, and that she can now relax all weekend because it's done.

It's an ongoing issue with her, she is v bright and doing well at school but resists homework so much. I hate having to drag her through it each week.

She understood (or seemed to), and said it was her fault, she should have done it earlier. I said its not about faults, its about learning easier ways of doing things so you can relax properly as soon as its finished. I told her I was just like her when I was little and it took me a long time to figure out that if you get homework done first then its nice and easy to relax, and I just wanted it to be easier for her too. No blaming.

And she cried some more, and seemed to agree with me, she calmed down, said that she things she was just tired (she had a swimming lesson and could have been tired), and then she slept.

I feel like she is a bit broken inside because of me

No Name she is not broken inside because of you-it was youe exH that has caused all this upset to everyone. Please do not blame yourself.
You have done what needed to be done for you and your girls .

name just echoing those who say you are doing fine with DD1.

joysmum's post implies that one way of hiding assets and/or avoiding Capital Gains Tax on their sale, might be to sell them at below market value to someone. In this case, your STBX's dad. Who is connected to your STBX.

So I'm guessing the second part of the plan would be to buy the asset back after the settlement, joysmum?

Am not an expert, but have had to be fairly clued up re Capital Gains Tax, and Inheritance Tax.

She has just cried so much this week. It's been so hard on her.

This weekend we have lots of fun things planned (cousins birthday party, swimming, gymnastics class) but I wonder if she just needs to be at home with me snuggling under a duvet all weekend.

I can't seem to help her. It's never been like this before.

So his part of the marital pot would be artificially low due to the proceeds being below market value. Thus you would potentially get a settlement based on a figure below his true monetary worth.

Thanks Silvery and joysmum that does make sense - he won't sell our family home because he will have to pay Capital Gains Tax, so I know that would be something we wants to avoid. It would make total sense that he sold cheaply - he will probably never buy it back, as he rules over his dad anyway, so would just get rent via him.

I called the CMS today and am going to put in a proper application for child maintenance when I call them back on Monday. The girls are entitled to nearly £800/month from him, and he is shamefully not providing a penny's worth. I want my babies to just heal from this and let him go.

Solicitors and judges would see straight through that surely? The sols I saw have an in-house forensic accounts team. They would be straight onto that surely? It must be a common tactic?

Your SHL didn't seem concerned, so yes I'm sure STBX will be rumbled. I know you've done your Form E, has he? Worth doing a guess of what he ought to put on it, including disposals. I seem to remember Form E might even ask for disposals in last year, but not sure. At some point in the process is a Questionnaire, which can be used to ask about stuff mysteriously missing, I think.

Just going back to school is quite tiring for them, some chill time over the weekend might well be the thing for you all. Sending and

For completeness - joysmum's post also means that for the purposes of Capital Gains assessment, STBX should declare the disposal of the flat as having been made at the market rate even if his dad paid less than that. If he does not, then that is tax evasion.

He hasn't completed his form E yet, and he will definitely, absolutely lie on it.

I haven't submitted mine yet, but will do so shortly.

Is there any way to find out the market value of the property without getting it valued? I am pretty sure H would have picked a figure out of the blue and not have had it valued.

Just googled house prices in the area and he has definitely undervalued the property by around £100K as an estimate.

Well surprise. But you are onto him. Presumably SHL will know what evidence of true market value would be required.

Name put the house details into zoopla - not 100% accurate but ballpark m.zoopla.co.uk/house-prices/

feck that's how my Ex valued the marital home at the start of our divorce - the value was out by a fair old bit (ended up having a Marital Home valuation).

Oh yes Silvery - it needs a proper valuation - but it might help get a better idea of what the houses are worth.

Name can you talk to school and see if the homework can be relaxed a bit?
Personally I think homework in Primary (unless you are an 11+ area) is a waste of time. Also at my DCs secondary they might well give someone going through what your DD is and seeming so obviously stressed, what is called core homework - which cuts homework by about 1/2.

If she is stressed cutting back on activities might be a very good thing to do.
Also do try to make time for her - if there is any activities the others love and can do without supervision for a bit (eg. like favourite TV show or a simple craft), then that is one good way to carve some time for her.

Also do prepare yourself for the younger two to express their anxiety, and upset in some way at some point. It can take longer in younger children for things to come out, as they don't have the words to express how they are feeling.