Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Yes I agree Pony, I think part of him did it because I was talking to another man. In fact he kept in touch with his ex-girlfriend, which I didn't like, but he said he did it because I talk to an ex-boyfriend whenever I bump into him. Which is once a year at my nephews birthday party, where I say a polite hello to ex, his wife, and their two daughters.

Today he has taken DDs to a theme park with both of his sisters and their children. Lovely huge family day out for them all. DDs will be loving it I'm sure.

Why could he and his family be more supportive and involved when we were together? Of course he/they will be saying they always wanted to do things together but I stopped them. But they never did things with us before I left. Feels quite insulting that they are all a big happy family now without me.

But they're not are they? He is wanting to paint this picture and his sisters are making the effort for your DC sake.

I didn't really see it like that. His sisters are making he effort for my DDs and actually that is a good thing for the girls to have their family involved. But they weren't interested when we were together. And H would have to be dragged to a theme park then even though he always enjoyed it once he got there.

Can't seem to stop thinking / obsessing about the girls when they are away. Even though we are all going away on holiday next week, and they live with me, etc. H always said I am too much into the kids and he feels like an outsider . But I don't see how I could prioritise a 40-year old man over 3 children.

All this good behaviour by him just scares me into thinking I'm haven't given him enough of a chance to change. im surprised by his niceness to the children it's definitely unexpected. I guess I know have to see if it lasts.

In the meantime I have to progress with the divorce as the only way of getting money from him. I think.

Well, that tells you what you need to know about his true feelings for the children, doesn't it? this is all posturing. Maybe he wants the children to guilt-trip you. Maybe he wants you to feel left out. Maybe he's trying to compete with what he knows will be happening with your family. It's unlikely to last.

His true feelings for the children have been pretty poor over the years. He likes the hugs and kisses from them, but has never involved himself with homework or reading (despite me asking), and we once had a full-on row in the front drive as I was taking DD to her friends birthday party and he was angry at me for taking her, when there were chores to do at home (he was doing these).

But on the flip side I spend the whole weekend every weekend doing chores - grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, was all me, he would spend the day washing his car or doing a diy job.

He has this weird thing were he doesn't like the DDs spending time with anyone who is not family - he says non-family are 'nobodies', and thinks we should not be prioritising our time by spending with them, either at birthday parties or simply dinner etc with my mum friends.

So despite having the kids for 2 weeks over the hols, one of those weeks was at our marital home, and he didn't let the DDs go on any play dates to see friends. In fact he said to DD1 that if they go and see friends he has less time with them. It's an ownership and control thing again I guess?

I remember dragging him out to take them swimming which he hates. He refused to get in the pool and sat on the side whilst I had two under 5s in the water with me. When I looked over for him to get towels etc he hadn't even been watching us/kids but had been on his phone to a friend.

We just came so, so far down his list of priorities. The girls seemed to be there to adore him and make him feel loved. But if they loved me too he was jealous. I once went away for work for a week and when I came back he was telling everyone how they didn't miss me at all. Even a few years later he was telling this same story. I felt like he was trying to undermine our bond? I don't know why he would make a point of saying that and nothing else about my time away.

Yet if I arranged trips away he would come (except in the last year). He enjoyed them once we went but was often emotionally absent, usually on his phone.

When he was joining in it was great, and we have some lovely memories of taking the girls out to parks/days out etc.

I also remember his rubbish behaviour over June/July this year, where he missed DD2s birthday and declined DD1s request to come down and see them for Fathers Day.

His recent behaviour of day trips and spending time with them just doesn't tally.

Tying in with what Jux said - time is key. There's no drive to need to decide 'you haven't given him enough time'. Time is your friend here, not your enemy - for change to be lasting it needs to be over a long period of time, a few weeks don't signify anything. Keep watching. And it's not just about the kids, it's how he deals with/responds to you too - that's absolutely key. His recent behaviour doesn't prove anything other than 'he can do it if he puts his mind to it'. Doing it is one thing, keeping it up is another. Dad of the year is not won in 6 weeks, it's more of a 52-week thing

Also remember that he is trying to fox you. He is concerned about the monetary side, he has a lot riding on that should you follow through with divorce so he knows he has to try and soft soap you somehow. He knows the kids are an easy access to you emotions. That might be behind all the new 'dad' persona.

He doesn't care about the dc needs though does he? He is sabotaging their friendships - that is so cruel. He is allowed friends but no-one else is!

Learning how to build and manage and develop friendships is a key skill and denying them that whilst he buggers off to do DIY on the house?????

Do not get sucked into him being transformed. He's probably been told by his solicitor that if he doesn't get involved you will probably gain the marital home or similar as he has no reason to have it.

DDs got back at 9pm and have had a lovely day out. The cynic in me thinks it sounds like it was very much organised by his sisters, but that's ok, fun was had by all.

H is pretty much stonewalling me. No conversation at all during drop offs and pick ups, just chatting to DDs and then off on his way. At text chats are one words about drop off times. He is definitely not trying to sweet-talk me.

I know I have been no-contact with him in the past, so is it hypocritical of me to think he should still be trying to talk to me? It's a real lack of effort on his part - there has been no real effort to change, more just adjusting to the new set-up - but it just gives me the urge to chat to him and see how he is feeling and make things better again. I have done that in the past when he has blanked me, sometimes for days at a time, and it's a real need I have to fix this so he isn't sad or angry at me.

I would love to know what he is thinking but since that was never a key feature of our marriage it's unlikely to be a new habit for our divorce.

Perhaps he nows you very well, and he knows his refusal to talk to you has always resulting in you tryng to sweet-talk him. He's probably expecting you to start trying to do that. So don't!

I'm glad the children had a good day. It does seem more likely that his sisters did all the organising.

I'm not sure what he should be talking about to you, other than the divorce? Do youthnk it is likely that you and he will be able to sit down together and thrash out the division of assets, child contact and so on? i doubt very much that heold make that easy for you, or do it fairly.

Sorry for gibberish post. Migraine.

Hello Jux, I hope you are feeling better.

Thanks for your contiued support. Just a few things I wanted to get down. DD had a fabulous birthday with her dad, and his sisters and children.

The following day we had my cousins wedding which was amazing. Tbh I didn't see much of my DDs, as they were playing with various cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents for a lot of the day. But they had a blast. After that we had our own little cake and tea for DDs birthday.

On Monday we went on holiday for a week, to Cornwall with my best friend and her children and parents, which was fantastic. They are all lovely, and it was a great week. It was a holiday that (a) never would have happened if I was still with H and (b) would have been stressful for me if I was with H.

DDs loved it, and I did too. Did lots of things, with the DDs, swimming, day trips, beach trips etc. It was tiring but would have been more tiring and more frustrating being the first one out of bed and the one doing all of the planning, packing, cooking etc if H were with me. It's never so bad to do things alone, it's worse doing things alongside someone who can't be arsed to pull their weight and would rather watch you do it.

On the last day, I decided to leave early to avoid the Bank Holiday traffic. Up at 5.45am, got the car packed, all 3 DDs ready and set off at 6.45am. Drive back went like a dream. DDs stayed asleep for half of it - they were dressed but had blankets etc, then the second half they woke, had their in-car breakfast and then watched a movie on the iPad. All organised by me. It took just 4.5h to get back home, I drove alone (everyone else left later), and it was absolutely fine.

Weirdly, one of the worries I had with leaving H was how I would manage a car without him (!!). This, was despite the fact that I used to half a 1.5h commute on car, half on motorway, before I married him. I used to jack my car and change my own tyres too.

On the drive back I was really pleased with myself. Very subtle losses to my driving confidence included him always commenting on when my clutch/accelerator biting point was not correct ('you are going to wear out the clutch), or if I was driving in what he considered to be the wrong gear ('you are going to flood the engine', plus general comments about how I drive too fast, I don't know what I am doing, and I drive dangerously. This, despite the fact I have been driving for 22 years, with one accident (car ran into the back of me). Whereas he has been driving for the same time and had an accident in my car, filled up his diesel car with petrol twice, and also had a 1 year drink driving ban. Yes, I am the rubbish driver.

When I got home I sorted out the DDs, unpacked, and had the afternoon doing things with DDs. Then Tuesday back to work, childcare and normal routine. So I can do this. It wasn't really very much to begin with. Funny how distorted my view of driving had become.

Another thing I noticed on holiday.

There were a few times when we had arranged to meet in my friends accommodation, and I was late sometimes by half an hour. I was anxious going to see them, thinking I would be told off for being late, but they would always say its fine, they were not waiting and then rushing out, they just wanted to know when I was coming, then we would have a drink together etc. They also mentioned a few times that of course it would take me time to do things, as I had 3 children with me as well. So showering the kids and giving them a bite to eat after swimming was easily a 2-hour venture.

On a day trip, they were following my car, and at a busy roundabout I lost them. They were fine getting back as they had sat nav anyway, but when I saw them I was fully expecting them to be annoyed with me. But they didn't even mention it, except to agree that the roundabout was busy, and that was were we lost each other. But it was no big deal at all.

Today I accidentally set off my sisters house alarm. I went to her house and totally forgot the code she had given me. I text her and told her and apologised. She was not concerned in the slightest, even though the alarm security company had called her and her DH at their workplaces to let them know. Maybe I am finding a new balance.

He certainly did a number on you over the years didn't he!!!

Lovely to read that you all had a fantastic holiday, KOKO

Better, thanks Name

Well, there you have it, don't you! On the whole, people are aware that dealing with children slows you down and if you're late it's no big deal.

On the whole, people are not too bothered about mistakes because they are mistakes and we all make them.

Driving a long way is no big deal.
Driving a long way with children is no big deal if you are prepared for it.

You are far more capable than you think you are.

Remind yourself of this holiday, and how nothing was too bad, and that when you messed up your sister's alarm it wasn't an appalling travesty and indicative of your utter degradation and incompetence, but simply a mistake that lots of people make, happens to the best of us and only becomes a big deal in the minds of petty mini-Hitlers on whom you do not need to waste a breath.

Well done you

Roll on, Name! Glad you had a good holiday (and happy belated birthday to dd )

Thank you! He had another little lovely tantrum this morning, but I handled it well I think.

It's DD1s birthday today (yes, two DD birthdays in 2 weeks, much needed)

He made no plans, then, this morning wished her happy birthday and later on told me he is taking them tomorrow for the weekend. I put my foot down and said no, Sunday only.

So now he has said in that case he will not be coming at all.

Despite telling DD1 he would be coming, and her begging him to come.

This will of course help him to be able to tell everyone I am stopping him from seeing the DDs, but no matter. I have the truth in my messages, and I am not feeling scared of him.

Looking forward to a lovely birthday weekend.

Happy birthday DD1 - well done you, horrible for DD but this shows how he's willing to have her upset in order to manipulate things for his own ends.

Much and for you.

Happy birthday dd1 [balloons]

Well done, Name. You've come a long way, haven't you?

Name can't you get that bank account frozen? I might be wrong, but I don't think it's that hard to di

Fabulous time for DDs birthday. She was not too disappointed by not seeing her dad - I explained and she shrugged her shoulders and said 'ok never mind'. She mentioned later that this is the first year daddy has ever missed her birthday but did not seem upset at all. I'm watching her closely.

Yesterday I held a little party at home with my siblings and nephews/nieces. We had cake and pizzas and wine and kids played. Today my sis and I took the nieces and nephews to lunch and cinema for her birthday too, whilst my brother babysat my 3yo.

DD said today was her best day ever

Now I'm watching Xfactor. This is another thing I was wary of, as it was our 'thing' to watch Xfactor together, we both loved it.

Now I think how rubbish that those were the crappy things holding us together, and everything important was a lie. Am quite happy watching TV alone.

Dolly I can't freeze the bank account as my name was never on the joint account - I believed it was joint because that's what he said, but in reality my name was never added to the account.

Thrilled to read you are just getting on with life..........KOKO!

Thank you! I am getting on and things are feeling a lot brighter, although I have not yet kicked off divorce proceedings in earnest, which I do need to get done.

Had a bump in the road yesterday which I would appreciate any insights on.

I took the DDs out to their swimming lessons like I do every week, they have started to really love going and were in pretty good moods.

Then youngest suddenly said 'I want to live with Daddy'. And the other two followed suit. All 3 were saying they want to go, and that they miss their old school and old friends. Oldest two also said its not fair that mummy has decided to take them away from their dad, and mummy has all of the children whilst daddy has nobody.

I asked them where this has suddenly come from, and DD1 said 'I told daddy I don't like my new school and he told me to tell you that I want to go and live with him.' from what I can gather he also told them that it was unfair that mummy has the children whilst he has nobody.

I explained that daddy worked and would not be able to drop them to school and take care of them etc, and they shrugged their shoulders a bit at that.

When we got home DDs 2 and 3 got totally distracted by hot chocolate and seemed to forget all about it (!!) but DD1 looked a bit down and went straight up to our bedroom which was unlike her.

I went up and told her it was wrong of Daddy to say those things and not fair on her as she is still little.

I said I always love her and so does her dad, and he will always be her dad and she can see him anytime.

But I said we will not be living together as we were making each other very sad. She kept pressing on this asking why and I said eventually that you remember when daddy hit me. Grow ups should never do that to each other and so I made the decision that we won't live together any more. But we both really love you.

She said things are just different now and she misses her old school friends. So we decided together she will start writing to them more. I told her she can visit them, she said she did ask dad when she went to stay with him, but somehow they never got round to going. He doesn't have any friends numbers or addresses and didn't ask me for any so I am fairly certain he never intended to arrange for her to see friends at all.

I told her it's ok to be sad, I get sad too, things are different now but they are good and we will be happy again, even though we both miss our old lives. She just sobbed and sobbed

I continued to talk her through it the best I could and eventually we ended up talking about TV shows and her new friends and other little random things.

Her new school is academically great (better than her old school) but also much much smaller. Lots of the children come and go; her best friends in her first term have both left, and now over summer her new best friend also left. It's an area with lots of immigrants who stay for a bit them move school and settle mostly elsewhere. The boy she had a crush on in the year above also left. So it's becoming very difficult for her to make ties with her new school. At her old school she was very popular with lots of friends, but the school was also more than twice the size of her new one (330 pupils compared to 120).

I don't know how to make her feel better. I'm going to speak to school today. The more I think of XH the more I am realising I was right to leave him. I also think this was the best move for my girls as he is quite toxic. But it's hard for them as they can't rationalise leaving daddy behind in the same way that I can.

Any advise on how I could handle this?

I think you handled that brilliantly and said all the right things. It's a process for the girls too, and he is manipulating them (again) without any care about how it affects them. Speak to their school, maybe your Hv too (so it's on record that he is saying these things) but feel reassured that you got this. for your babies, it's tough on them too and sometimes it just comes out and we just ache for them. You'll all get there.

Well he called them today, once weekly call as always, and DD1 asked him 'Daddy, when exactly are we going to see you again?'

He ummed and ahhed and said how about this weekend? I said thats absolutely fine.

He is not taking them back to our old city though. He is taking them to his parents, as 'they are all alone and we need to visit them too'. DD1's face just fell, she really doesn't like it there after getting bored there last time she went.

She asked H if he can come to ours and have a day out here instead, he said 'but where will I stay?' Like it's ok to make that kind of comment to a young child, for her to worry about??

So they are going to his parents for the weekend. DD2 said she doesn't want to go, but she changed her mind quickly. I think they will have another boring weekend with daddy and will want to come home. I am a bit miffed at them going away all weekend as it's early in the school term and they could do with a weekend at home after a busy summer, but I may be unfair in thinking that. I am not going to stop them going.

He doesn't really care does he? He is taking them at his convenience only. I wish DDs could see him for what he is really like but they are too young for all of this.

Thanks pony. The process feels like it will never end whilst he continues to manipulate them.