Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

That's why it's important that the school and hv are aware of what he does/says when he has contact with them.

No, he doesn't care really and it is tragic.

Keep doing what you do; talking to them, loving them, and surrounding them with as many people as you can who also love them.

I don't really have an HV - I don't know who they are but I'll find out.

The school pastoral care lady is lovely so I will speak with her today.

My poor babies, I wish this was over for them. I grew up in a happy secure home and I have no idea what all of this is doing to them.

It was not a mistake to marry him as we had our lovely children, but they deserve so much better. It was horrible to hear my daughter crying so much.

Pastoral lady asked if I wanted a CAFCASS referral, I don't really know much about them, but am going to ask her more I think.

I don't want to give her rubbish counselling that will make things worse, and I don't know if counselling is the right thing to do here.

But I will ask at school.

Name, I can't remember how old your eldest girl is, but my DS1 had counselling after I left my FW (DS2's dad but not his). He had sessions both with a WA worker and with CAMHS. I felt it really benefited him, the WA one especially because his worker was an expert in children who'd experienced abuse. I actually don't know what was discussed in the sessions, DS opted to keep it just between him and his worker (who assured me this was actually a good thing, and of course she would speak to me if there was anything concerning). So I would say counselling is never going to be the wrong thing, it can only help.

Thanks Pony my eldest is 8. Her pastoral care teacher was not in yesterday but I will talk to her today if she is in.

Things are starting to feel better/clearer for me slowly, I am hoping DDs will also find some peace with this soon.

Completely forgot to mention DS1 was approaching 6.5 when we left and just over 7 when the counselling started, kind of the point of my post!!
DS2 was only 5months so has never known anything different.

Thanks Pony DD has just turned 8, so its good to know it can be useful. H is now having them this weekend, and DD seems a little happier again. But I think I will start looking at counselling for her.

Also got this book which is great: When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft

Great that you have the book Name, and are finding it useful. It's one I always meant to get but was too scared at how I would feel reading it.

Hope you can find some nice thing for yourself to do this weekend while the DDs are away.

Thanks Pony. I am already dreading him coming and taking them for the weekend - the book is really enlightening as I have always thought of him as being abusive to me, but not so much to the children, and it's really opening my eyes to the situation through their eyes. I've only read a few chapters but already I would recommend a read if you are unsure.

I have some things planned - a mix of socialising and work stuff so hopefully the weekend will go quickly without them.

Still finding it hard to progress the divorce, but I will do this.

Am considering going back on the Freedom Programme, but I don't know if its better to start looking ahead now instead of stewing over things so much. I don't think I will ever be at ease with the situation, so maybe its time to pursue the divorce, cut ties and move on. However I'm still really scared of his reaction and I have no idea why.

Adds seem to be happier at school now - I think they are settling in again, and DD1s tears may have been to do with H not coming to see her on her birthday.

Today we were talking about the weekend ahead, and DD1 said something about Daddy's sports car that he bought for his birthday. She said it was a present for all of the family to enjoy, as daddy had taken her for a ride in the car and so she enjoyed it too. I explained that it wasn't really a gift for the family because only two people can fit in the car, so it would always have to be daddy and the one person he chose, but really we are (were) a family of 5, and so a car with 5 seats may have been a better choice. I didn't phrase it badly, just making an observation, and I didn't blame H for it. She clicked a bit that maybe it wasn't a great choice after all. But I find it strange that she would even say that the car was a gift for all of the family. I think H is feeding her ideas.

Another thing whilst I remember - she told me a funny story from when they stayed with dad over the summer. She had put a t-shirt on, but it wasn't ironed. So daddy took the iron and ironed it whilst she was wearing it. He has done this before to himself, where he just pulls his work shirts taut and away from him body a bit and irons them. He did this when we first got married and ended up shooting steam onto his chest. He had steam burns which were very painful and took weeks and weeks to heal. He was left with a scar afterwards. But he still ironed my daughters t-shirt whilst she wore it.

Over time memories fade and I sometimes question whether things were bad at all with him. I am going to keep noting things down here. If anyone thinks they are out of order please do say so, it helps to keep my momentum going.

(sorry to be so me, me, me, but I guess if you don't ask you don't get)

Ok, another quick thought - when I was pg with my first child, I was earning 32K, and H was earning 30K. I went on maternity and was on statutory maternity pay of around £400/month. I used some savings etc, but otherwise lived off the £400. This paid for all of the baby things (cot, clothes, nappies, food) and all of the house stuff (food, toiletries, everything except the mortgage). I went to playgroups etc but would never, ever go for coffees or lunches out as I felt I couldn't afford to.

I explained to H that it wasn't enough money, I had gone from an income of £2000+ a month to just £400/month, and was finding it hard. H's salary had been unaffected. So I asked him for some money each month. He said if I couldn't live off £400 each month then I wasn't budgeting properly. He refused to give me money.

Then I went shopping (Asda, nothing extravagant), and he said I could use his credit card. So I took it and did the food shopping, and as I had his card, I stocked up on some essentials (e.g. beans, flour, pasta etc). When I got home he commented that I was spending loads and buying extras just because I had his card - like I had gone and treated myself. He never left me have the card again or ever offered any money for the 9 months. The same with DD2. With DD3 I was self-employed and not earning, so I lived off savings. H was paying the mortgage, but I was paying all nursery fees for 2 under 4, and having baby at home. Money was his method of control, and he was totally heartless about sharing it.

What a nasty abusive arse he has always been he was happy to see his CHILDREN go without not just you!!!!

Yes, I guess he was. We didn't really go without, I did manage, but I ate into my saving massively and was very careful with spending. Meanwhile he continued buying his lunch everyday, socialising as normal. And keeping the remainder of his cash each month. It was like we were not on his list of priorities at all. I doubt he ever gave it a second thought that I might be struggling.

When I went back to work after DD1, I sorted out a nursery, and went back full-time, in a different city. My commute was 2.5h each way (so 5h in total each day - 20 min walk to the station, 1h30/1h45 overground train, then tube then walk to office. I would leave home at 6am and get in for 8.15/8.30am).

The week I started back at work, he wasn't talking to me. I had no idea why. This continued on my last day of mat leave as I was preparing for work and settling DD in, and continued for my first few days at work - never asked how it went, how the commute was, how DD settled, absolutely nada, just wouldn't talk to me.

I eventually asked him why, He laid into me and said he was fed up of the flat being a mess and not cleaned properly, I didn't clean enough, I should not have been taking DDs out or meeting other people when the flat was in such a state. (It was far from messy, it was tidy all the time!).

I was so annoyed and disappointment - annoyed enough that I still remember it now, 8 years later. He hadn't supported my return to work, asked how my massive commute was, nothing. He was annoyed about the housework and didn't even have the decency to say it, just punish me for returning to work instead.

I remember doing the commute when I was pg with dd2, and coming home after him, at around 6-6.30pm. He wouldn't cook, so I would do it on my return. Sometimes he would get into bed around 7pm and just watch tv every night.

Later in our marriage he would tell people that the first year of our marriage was a waste of time, he did nothing productive, just stayed in watched tv when he could have been earning/making money. He would say this to others in front of me - like spending time with me when newly married was a waste of his time? He was also bring it up in arguments - I made him lazy, I would sit and watch tv, and so he would do the same. I would never get up and do anything unless he did first. I saw this as us watching something together, not as me being lazy. I am not really a TV person, so if he wasn't watching then I was happy to do other things. But it was my fault he was lazy apparently.

All of these little things.

OMG those are huge huge things

Why huge random? I sometimes think I am nit-picking...

No pooling of finances, you were expected to be the only parent and only housekeeper yet he wouldn't contribute financially to the cost of you taking on those roles without any assistance from him.

No interest in finding/vetting/settling dc into childcare.

Not supporting you AT ALL in returning to work.

Not contributing to the running of the house AT ALL

Punishing you.

So he did f*ck all, you were out the house longer hours than him yet you were supposed to do all house and parent related duties!!!

All acceptable examples of "unreasonable behaviour"

YY to everything Random said.

NC I hear you doubting yourself again. Please keep writing these things down and checking with others if you want. So many of these things are so far from reasonable that they're not even in the same galaxy!

I would recommend returning to the Freedom Programme, too.

You have been in a marriage for a very long time and you have effectively been brain washed. Into thinking everything is your fault. Into thinking that the only person whose feelings count is him. Into thinking that he has no responsibility to feed and clothe his children. Into dozens, probably hundreds of beliefs that he has put in your head and told you "this is the way it is" and if you dare to protest, he hits you.

(which I'm sure is the cause of your anxiety about progressing the divorce.)

None of those things were normal or reasonable. Keep posting

Yes the doubting has begun, he has the DDs this weekend and is being very civil/reasonable on text and dare I say it, in a nice mood.

Has agreed to buy uniform, do homework and take DD to opticians all without grumble. I suspect it's because he doesn't have other plans - if he did he would get angry about doing things.

He is only having them because DD insisted and he relented, not because he actively wanted to iyswim. My counselling sessions are nearly over (they work in blocks of 21 weeks), but I think I might need more specialised help for emotional abuse as I can't really see the wood for the trees at the moment. I obsessively nit-pick and justify my reasons for leaving.

Something about leaving him still doesn't sit right although life is good and happy without him. Maybe just a case of pushing the divorce ahead is all I need. But yes the fog is still very much there. I keep forgetting things he did.

In our first year of marriage he came home one day and casually said he went for a second interview for a job 3h drive away. I knew nothing about it of course. I asked him what on earth he would do if he got it, how would he travel so far each day.

He said he had already been asked that in interview and had told them that we would move to his parents house (3h away from us) and he would commute from there.

That was it. No discussion. A couple of days later when I said I didn't want to move in with his parents he shouted at me that I need to grow up and start taking responsibility and his parents needed us there. It was while we were walking into town and he reduced me to tears with his words. He did not stop and did not give up on his point. I cried and he stuck to his guns. Luckily he didn't get the job but I would not have had a say in moving.

You were clearly very conditioned into treating him as "god" before you had your first dc.

I mean nothing in what you write reads that there was an equal partnership going on.

I mean going to bed at 7pm whilst leaving you to do EVERYTHING. That is a complete master/slave set up. He said jump and you said "how high"

Yes the going to bed early thing went all for our whole marriage. Always in his bed by 7-8pm and watching TV in bed for hours.

I worked in the same room till 11pm. Sometimes he would complain about the sound of me typing. Or would complain:comment if I was doing non-work stuff eg PTA things.

Eventually when he hit me one of his reasons was that I neglect him because I work in the evenings and he has to watch TV alone.

FFS well if he did his share around the house and with the dc you wouldn't NEED to be working until 11pm.

Neglecting his needs, geez he needs to grow up.

Yes, I did try to explain that if he did more, I would not have been so shattered, but his needs came first.

DD2 had a real strop about going to see her dad again today, but DD1 really needed it. Hopefully she has a good weekend.

H now totally ignores me when he picks up the children, will not look me in the eye and talks via the children if needed. So it is quite nice when I make a point of talking to him or asking him a question.

I understand now that this is him sulking and going into victim-mode, which I would then overcome by being nice to him and pandering to his needs again.

Since splitting up he has had the DDs more than he ever did when we were married - he had them one day in the last year in total. It was a Sunday and I went to visit a friend who had come from abroad.

This year he has had them for 3-4 weeks in total, either weekends or taking time off work. It's nice for me to finally get a break.

OMG Name!!! So to sum it up you were a single mom to 4 children. What a nasty self centred abusive bully.

You mention "his" bed, were you in separate bedrooms?

Your previous commute sounds exhausting. I leave my house at 06h50 and arrive at the office at 08h30 and I'm usually exhausted when I get home at 18h30/19h30 and luckily I don't have young children to look after, I take my hat off to you for managing all those years ago!

When you start feeling weak, I will remind you of these last few posts, I'm literally sitting here with my mouth wide open!

Your life is going to be a million times easier without him Name, I really don't think you grasp that he has been an abusive millstone around his neck. I think he wanted to keep you barefoot and pregnant so you couldn't ever leave tbh. Did he say he wanted dc? He sure as hell wasn't interested in looking after them or provided for them was he - all of that was down to you.

He won't even provide a home for them!!!

Yes he wanted DC as soon as we got married. I wanted to wait a year as I was not feeling very happy/settled in our marriage and he was putting pressure on me to have DC.

I did hold out for a year and then we tried and I got pregnant straight away. Had a horrendous pregnancy and he was very kind and supportive throughout.

Once DD was born, he couldn't give a shit really. Not about helping me recover or how I was coping with DD and not particularly interested in her.

I had an induction, a 24hr labour followed by an emergency c-section. As bad as it could get really. I was utterly battered and bruised by the birth. After we can home we stayed a few days then he insisted we went to his parents house for a week as he was in paternity and 'this is meant to be his holiday time too'. So we drove 4h to his parents. Me being one week post c-section and my beautiful girl sat in a hard car seat for 4h.

We stayed a week (his parents were lovely and looked after me 100%; better than my mum ever would), and then we repeated the 4h drive back home, me still not recovered and my dd doing another totally unnecessary 4h in a car seat.

Then the next day he went back to work and I started my mat leave in a city where I knew nobody. It was awful - very lonely and isolating, and yet all H did was complain that the flat was not tidy, it would watch TV, and continued his social life without me as before.