Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Sol is on holiday for another week still, and we are off on our hols tomorrow for a week. I can't wait to get away, have bought lots of little card games etc to play with the girls. We are staying with rellies who have already planned lots of days out.

When I am back I'll speak to sol and get things moving. Hostile H showed me there will be no love lost in this battle so I may as well get on with it.

that I have taken a happy life away from him

Was it a happy life? It may have been, for him. But it wasn't for you was it? Not something you'd want your DDs to accept. He has been abusing you. If you 'fall back into place' he will continue. This one happy fortnight they've all had was superficial and not sustainable. This is not how he'd be living if you went back. This is a performance from him! I wouldn't feel sorry for him because he's not determined to see his children again as soon as possible - that's what he's choosing! Hope your counselling helps you to make peace with your decision.

Send sol and email outlining today, before you go away. It will be there when she returns and she can get her head around the outline and be ready for action when you return and can give her figures (and paper work?).

Please. Don't put it off.

oh please don't consider going back to him!
you're doing so well now.
he'll have you right where he wants you and he will definitely hit you again.
listen to your immediate family. they know he's scum.
he has to see his kids of course but don't be tempted to go back to violence.
it might be hard for you right now but it will get easier, i promise you.
if you go back to him, you'll be going backwards into fear and violence.

Look, I'll tell you a story and you're going to wonder wtf I'm on about until I get to the end, but hopefully it'll make sense.

A dozen or so years ago then-SIL, who lives overseas, came to visit and XH took her and youngest DS to a falconry conservation and rescue centre for a treat. XSIL was tremendously concerned about the welfare of those poor birds chained to perches all day, many of them with their eyes covered by little hoods, and gave the staff quite an ear-bashing about it. Just recently I took DSis to the same centre and, no doubt because of XSIL and however many similar visitors, all the display commentaries and any staff member one spoke to would make a point of explaining how in the wild these birds spend very little time in the air and the rest of it perched in solitude on trees, dozing fitfully as they keep an eye out for likely prey or danger. They live longer and healthier lives in captivity if correctly looked after. Some get a lot less stressed if they are hooded in between exercise/feeding. If you did put a television in the mews they really wouldn't find it helpful.

The moral of this story is, falcons are not people and they simply do not want the same things out of life. And the point of this to you, dear Name, is that you are projecting what would have been your feelings about separation from your precious DDs onto your H, who is a different animal entirely. You're also projecting an imaginary past/future onto holidays with the unspeakable ex. They are actually getting much better quality time together, albeit rare and heftily facilitated by other people, than they ever did when you all lived together. You've even said just above that the one thing that would really hurt H is splitting the finances (that includes money he defrauded you of, btw) - not separating from his children, but separating from (some of) "his" money. So although you can't help how you feel, you must hold onto the thought that the feelings are based on a bogus premise, that H is just another normal human being like yourself trying to get on in the world and making the occasional mistake. Were you and DDs sitting in that fine house with the bills paid while H languished in a bedsit you might have something to feel guilty about. As it is, he actually likes having the big empty house to himself with occasional jolly breaks with the girls. Suits him down to the ground. Only thing he'd like back is his live-in housekeeper and childminder who, instead of costing money, earned more money for his pile, oh, and who he could knock about occasionally when in a mood. Paid housekeepers can be so fussy about these things.

I do hope your counsellor was able to help you find a way through this.

What a bloody brilliant post Annie.

Excellent post, Annie. Very well put! Hope you can see that, Name. He is not the same as you. If he were, he wouldn't hit you, would he? Or steal money from you. Or ignore the children when you all lived together. In fact, if he were like you then you'd still be with him as he would be treating you all as if he truly loved you.

Don't mistake him for someone like a decent human being.

Name, how are things going? Hope you are doing ok lovely.

Hi Pony, its lovely to hear from you, and to return to this thread. I am ok, ish.

We had a lovely, lovely holiday away with family, it was a perfect week away. My aunt is the most relaxed and perfect human being on the planet - no time for housework or tidying etc, lots of time for wine, natters, and good laughs. Loved being with them for the week, and she organised loads of days out, which the girls loved. My uncle and cousins were great with the DDs too, so everyone had a fab time, and I really realised how lovely it was going on hols without H. We had come here previously and he had really not enjoyed it, said it was boring and didn't want to come again. So it was nice to go away without that burden of keeping him happy too.

Since I came back - H asked to have DDs again this weekend just gone, which threw me completely to be honest. I didn't think he would be interested in seeing them so soon after he had them for 2 weeks, but here he was. He was even planning to take Monday off work and have them for a day longer. But he couldn't, as DD had a hospital appt already booked in, which I reminded him of. He got angry at me getting the date wrong for this (I originally told him it was on Tuesday not Monday).

But he came, and he took them to his parents house again on Sat and Sun. This time he spent lots of time with them, took them to various parks and played in the garden with them. MIL and FIL were out and about working/doing their own thing from what I can gather, so it was just H and the DDs.

Predictably, as always with me, I get hugely upset and doubt myself whenever the DDs have a good weekend with him. He was never involved or interested when we lived together, yet he is doing this for them now. It's not like him, and I am wondering if he has realised and changed his attitude towards the DC, and if I am being over-the-top by having left him. The cold facts say I was right to leave, but emotionally, it's very hard when he and the DDs now have this great relationship they never had before.

So the grief has hit me hard again this week. I went to DDs appt, all is fine, and H even text me to ask how it went. I told him fine, but I was very sad doing this via text and not being able to discuss our DDs health together. But in reality, when I have done so in the past it's been such hard work to discuss anything with him properly.

We have a family wedding this week, so it's very exciting and lots going on, and yet I am in grief mode again.

Did a bit or reading online, and this website seemed to help me. It pointed out the things you grieve when leaving an abusive relationship:

• Loss of a home and familiar environment
• Loss of a partner who (usually) she once loved
• Loss of the dream of a safe, respectful and loving partner
• Loss of security, financial or emotional
• Loss of a normal or desired family unit for children
• Loss of a sense of identity, and/or their self belief
• Loss of relationships with family members of the ex-partner
• Loss of their own good judgement capacities given that they are often held responsible for the abuse they endured

I cried as soon as I saw the list, so I guess these are the things bugging me. I see so many women on MN who seem to leave and get on with the divorce and moving ahead so admirably, I am stuck a bit in this horrible grief and panic over the children being happy when they are with him. I am trying to get out of the rut, but not succeeding just yet. I am missing him, or my old life, or something anyway. Next week we are on hols again, this time with my best friend and her DDs, so it will be a better week. It will have to be really, I can't stay down like this all of the time.

On the plus side I contacted my barrister again and he is confident issues re money can be easily sorted. We are planning a date to meet and discuss finances. I am wondering if I need a solicitor as well as a barrister, as SHB was asking me what I want him to do next, and the reality is I really don't know. I don't know what the process is, or if I should be thinking tactically, because I really am not doing so at the moment, I'm just taking each day as it comes.

We are going to (yet another!) cousins house for dinner tonight. They are 3 grownup sisters, the same age gaps as my DDs, so we have a special bond between us all! They are planning to do the DDs nails etc ready for the wedding, and just have a girly time with them. Aunt is making us dinner too.

I am blessed to have everyone I need around me, I am very fortunate, but am missing H at the moment, or my idealised version of H anyway. Seems like I am half a person. I know this is wrong.

I wanted to post a quick story as I use this thread as a reminder of bad times. It's a horrible story.

We went out to a bar one evening, I forget why we went out, but we ended up in this bar. It was really empty - 6-7 people in the whole place. I went to get some drinks and was chatting to the only other person being served.

I assured him I was with my husband, they waved etc and we just talked a bit whilst being served. He was on a work do, celebrating an award they had won that evening at some event. He had the award with him - a big heavy plaque thing in a lovely box - and showed it to us, we oo-ed and aaah-ed as is the polite thing to do.

H and I had a dance and a drink or two, and then we left the bar.

We were walking home, and on a back/quiet road, he said look what I have got. He had the prize plaque under his jacket. I went nuts at him. He had taken it, and I have absolutely no idea how he managed it when there were so few of us in the place anyway, and nobody saw him!

I went nuts and told him he should not have taken it, and should return it etc. I was also terrified we would be caught by police for stealing it. He thought it was funny and refused to return it. I walked on ahead, fuming at him.

We walked through a petrol station, and he placed the place under a truck, on a shelf thing under the engine. So the lorry would have taken the plaque away on it when it left.

He thought it was funny. I was terrified for ages afterwards, thinking our names/faces would appear in the local papers or the news. I was scared to go out into the same area in case the man saw me again and told them police. I still feel sick when I think of it now.

I don't think I have ever admitted that story to anyone before. Feel sad and sick at it.

Name that story perfectly sums him up, doesn't it? Basically "Other people don't matter. Only I matter, and what I think is entertaining/good/worthwhile."

Are you still going to Freedom Programme?

Pocketsaviour yes it sums him up completely, that story sickens me and embarrasses me so much. He is not a nice man at all, I guess this is the cognitive dissonance I have been reading. So much about.

I find it very hard to rationalise and understand his good dad behaviour when he really was not like this when married. Could this be the wake up call he needed? I wish he came with a user manual, I just wonder what is going on in his head.

Freedom Programme has now finished, and because of holiday dates, I'm not seeing my counsellor for a month now either. So it's possibly the break from support that has caused a bit of a low as well. Having a cry really helped actually, a little bit of the pressure is out.

Saw my gran for a bit and am now at cousins house so I am relaxed for now. The waves of loneliness and worry that I am making a huge mistake are still very much with me 6 months after leaving him. I am hoping this is all normal for 'early days'.

I am also mindful of the fact that our divorce is still not really underway, and the distance and animosity between us will grow now.

i also don't want to leave him and any semblance of a marriage/relationship behind. I don't want him to be with someone else as he has been mine for so long, even if he was crap. I know this is wrong and damaging for me and hopefully just a phase.

I think it is a phase that you have to go through to come out the other side of.

It would be nice to think he'd finally woken up to his fatherly responsibilities. However I think what he's doing is trying to keep up appearances, and once the divorce is final and people have stopped asking "How are your kids?" he will go back to his shit ways of not bothering to see them, or palming them off on his parents. It's also possibly another tactic to convince you that he's changed and you should totally move back in.

It's really good that you have a large and supportive family network around you. I have a feeling your girls are going to need strong male role models around them, since their default one is so rubbish :(

You are being very strong for your girls and doing the right thing. One day you will know that in your heart as well as your head. Keep posting

It would be nice to think he'd finally woken up to his fatherly responsibilities.

The thing is, it's not nice. It's great for the kids that he is finally paying some interest off his own back instead of being forced to do so by me, but it sends me into a (disproportionately?) massive panic everytime he is good to them. Like I have just misjudged him and misjudged the situation totally, and he is basically a good guy who made some mistakes but is fundamentally a nice, normal, decent human being. Then I just end up focusing on his positives.

I just don't have any faith in my feelings or thoughts, like I have got this all wrong. I haven't, I can't have, I have evidence of his wrong-doings on paper and in photos. But I still don't quite believe it. It's ridiculous really, and probably what kept me hanging onto the marriage for so long. I have to let this feeling go in order to move on, and yet I don't seem to be able to.

I will see counsellor again in 2/3 weeks time now, but wondering if I need more. CBT or mindfulness or something.

Sorry, this is all very wallowy and self-pitying. Will be more focussed and positive tomorrow soon.

It's also possibly another tactic to convince you that he's changed and you should totally move back in.

This is weird too, since he doesn't seem to be actually talking to me, or even looking at me at drop-offs. Maybe this is part of the cycle - he is clearly angry at me, and so I want to give in and make things better again?

When he fights for me I feel stronger about leaving.

But when he is angry/annoyed/gives up on the relationship, I want him to keep trying, and I just feel angry at him for not acknowledging my anger and needs, and not trying hard enough to save us.

So he can't win either way, can he?

Name my lovely - you may read about the women who have left saying how great life is now they are out, but I bet every single one of them had a torturous rollercoaster of a time for months and months after leaving. I know I did. I spent six months feeling guilty and trying to allow him to 'prove' himself while wanting to believe he was the person I wanted him to be. It's a horrible place to be. It was utterly heartbreaking on a daily basis. Any sign of the fantasy man I desperately wanted him to be and I was like putty in his hands again. I was especially susceptible to him seeming vulnerable or him doing fantastic family stuff, him being a FW made me more resolute so he made sure I saw his vulnerable/family side. I came quite close to going back, but you can't polish a turd and he was still a FW underneath it all. I spent well over six months living like this. Then I drew a line for various reasons and said it was over properly. But I still had feelings, I still had longings for the fantasy, not helped by FW's sporadic 'I still love you' texts even up to the point of us selling the family home.

Maybe this is part of the cycle - he is clearly angry at me, and so I want to give in and make things better again?
I think he knows you. He knows you are a people-pleaser (as so many abusers' other halves are/were). It's no surprise, I don't think, that my FW's girlfriends since me have been in caring professions - a midwife and now a teacher.

Hang in there Name. The first year is pretty awful. The fact that you don't have your own living space isn't helping. But you are doing all the right things. Just keep posting for support lovely. It helps to rant and get it all out. from one who knows

Thank you Pony, your words really helped me, I'm glad to hear this is normal. It feels like a very intense grieving stage.

I can't seem to be able to think of anything else except him, and being with him and despite having a lovely busy time with people the urge is so deep in me and won't go away.

My SIL very unexpectedly called me yesterday, I have not spoken to her since leaving. She was lovely just asked what my DD would like for her upcoming birthday and asked how I was and if kids could keep in touch. It was actually lovely to speak to her, she was a SIL I did get on with, she used to see H's unreasonable behaviour and was always sympathetic, so it meant a lot to me that she called.

H is having the DDs on Saturday for DDs birthday, he was telling them he hasn't got any plans and they will figure something out on the day. SIL said she and H will be taking DDs to Legoland for the day, which I know they will absolutely love. It doesn't feel so bad knowing DDs will be out with H as his sister will be there and I liked her.

Anyway the floodgates opened, the enormity of what I am going through just became overwhelming again and I cried and cried at my sisters house. She was fab and let me bore her talk it out - I know I can't have him back and shouldn't but it doesn't stop me wanting him.

It just felt so good to say it all out loud and admit how much I loved him and miss him now, instead of being strong/decisive and hating my husband.

Feel a bit better today, I suspect there are many more big cry days to come. I am so lucky to have family, we have a wedding this weekend and then going on holiday with my best friend and her family, I just need this little ache to go away, or I need to get used to living with it.

I'm glad you got through it ok Pony. How are you now?

V hard - my thoughts and forbyou.

Oh Name, it's so hard. You are fighting the conditioning you have been living with for so long, keeping a brave face for the children (and everyone else) and are beseiged by doubt and guilt.

Keep reminding yourself of that story. That story made me feel ill, so no wonder it does that to you. It is vile, to steal is bad enough, but to steal simply for the sake of taking away a symbol of success - an achievement which your ex wasn't even competing for himself so no sense of failure for him embodied in it; he took it because it was a nice thing to someone else, not a nice thing for him, irrelevant to him; so he took it solely and simply in order to spoil the moment and the memory for people he doesn't even know.

That action encapsulates the man.

Thinking of you, Name dear.

My thought on reading your story was that he also stole it to punish you for talking to that bloke, daring to be chatty and normal (ie heavily flirting in his eyes). He knew how you'd feel about him taking it. Punishment, pure and simple.

I think describing it as intense grieving is bang on, Name. You are grieving for so many different things - the life you had to live due to his abusiveness, the life you could have lived if he had behaved differently (and that you are getting agonising glimpses of now), the loss of yourself in the relationship, the loss of being in a relationship, the loss of your home, friends... so so much, it's overwhelming. And because he is still around, still messing with your head, breaking your heart every time he flashes the 'fantasy life' at you, it just goes on and on and on, there's no let up.

But it will pass. It will lessen. Getting the divorce and legal stuff sorted will help, as will finding a place for you and the DDs.

I read a few of my own posts on the EA thread from three years ago this week, after hackergate prompted me to google my username and they came up. I don't recognise how I sound - I am still so very firmly in the FOG in them. But now, three years down the line life is good. But it's taken me a while to get here. You will get there too, Name, keep doing what you've been doing - talking to people in RL and getting support, coming on here, questioning everything he does/says.