Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Time to get a forensic accountant look at what he has done with all the money both of your earnt and spent. The more you find out the more it looks like he has hidden vast amounts of money from you.

Disney dad. Easier to pretend to be a good father when it's only temporary and someone else picks up the pieces, and the daily grind, later.

It does feel unfair, and in many small ways it makes me question my decision to leave him. Because he can be good dad when he wants to be. Or maybe he is just passing time. He did love them but was rubbish at doing anything for their benefit.

One of his moans was that I don't feel them properly, I should be cooking from scratch everyday, full traditional meals and not pasta/jacket potatoes etc . Yet yesterday they had beans on toast with pizza for lunch (!), and are generally eating crap with him.

So I was expected to cook full meals, and look after them alone when I was working, but he gets away with doing none of those things - and he is on holiday from work, so it's not like it's any harder for him than for me.

I think my worry is what if the kids decide life is better with dad, or dad is lovely and I shouldn't have left him. It's all a bit worrying to me, not sure if its rational or not.

He hasn't submitted any finances to the sol - he is denying having received the papers - and so he isn't officially hiding anything from me, but morally he is of course.

He is definitely lying - saying he has pulled out of a very lucrative business deal with his friend, when I know he hasn't/wouldn't have done.

I can't trust him at all.

Name - Sorry I have no advice, I've been a LP forever, but your story reminds me a lot of WellWhoKnew in that she was also working for DH and he was financially abusive, her thread goes right from the beginning to the very end, and shows the ups and downs of divorce proceedings well

You're doing so well

Definitely need a FORENSIC accountant to get to the bottom of this and get what is yours.
Wavering is normal, it comes and goes, but you know deep down what is right for you.

Thanks for the thread take - I had a look and its a very addictive read, she should get that published. I haven't finished, but it's really helpful to hear someone else's story.

Wavering is normal, it comes and goes, but you know deep down what is right for you.

Thanks AmI. You are right, I know deep down what I have to do.

I had a lovely dinner out with my brother today, and he always reminds me of what is normal.

He also said that DDs feel like they belong here, they are surrounded by family and love. My 7yo niece and I are going shopping tomorrow to pick up some bedroom bits for my DDs and nieces bedrooms, and today we painted nails in prep for a family wedding in a few weeks time.

DDs very much belong here with me, with our family, and, eventually, in our own home. H owes it to me to cough up for the house, as it's my money.

I don't to take this to court but I have no other choice.

From what you wrote, surely he is hiding something from you 'officially' -
your own money:

I have looked at some tax returns and on paper he says he has been paying me £40,000 per annum. But this is incorrect, he has been paying me closer to £15-20,000 tops per year. I guess I have my bank statements to prove this if nothing else.

You can do this, one day at a time, one step at a time, sending strength

OP you need to investigate the finances. If you think you've been paid X but he's told HMRC he's paid you X+ then that's tax fraud. You really don't want to carry the blame for that.

That's one massive amount of money over the years which should be available for you to spend on your DDs, not to hear over Skype about how he's spending it on your DDs! Not to mention the possibly illegal dirty dealings that have been mentioned. Just think, the difference between what he paid you and what he officially reported he'd paid you (ie, lied about) is around the national average family income. He's been tucking enough of the money you earned in the sock to pay for a whole other household, for years. But that's all right, because it means he can afford a lovely house to take the DDs back to

It is a massive amount, and it's only now that I have left and am paying myself a decent wage that I am beginning to realise the strain I was under, for no apparent reason whatsoever.

I have no idea what possesses him to continue hiding money from me. I really don't know how to tackle this, one step at a time most definitely. It doesn't help that I am rubbish at finances and have not had/been allowed to deal with them for the duration of our marriage. I don't know enough about tax etc at all.

But today I will go through my statements and see exactly how much I have been paid over the past 2 years whilst he has been siphoning off my earnings.

You can do this. You ain't fick, you've just had smoke blown in your eyes.

He's a crook, and you could end up being the fall guy, so do get your solicitor up to speed as soon as she gets back. If you haven't sent her an email outlining the financial shenanigans as far as you know them, yet, do it immediately. You've got to cover your arse.

Stay where you are, in the bosom of your family. Don't ever be tempted to go back to him, or to let him off, or to regret your leaving.

Wow just read entire thread, you're doing so well, but clearly not disentangled from the horrible Man yet... It's a journey though not on on/ off switch, and you're doing really well. Good luck

Thank you! I have to see him in a couple of hours when he brings back the DDs after their 2 weeks with him. My stomach is churning already, I really don't want to see him at all.

I am working to keep my mind off it but can't really concentrate. He has posted up a new pic online of him and the DDs playing in our garden, it's lovely and they all look very happy together, he looks like a great dad.

It's my house and my space and he gets to enjoy it all.

It doesn't help that they are wearing lovely new clothes in the pics, so he has obviously been out shopping and does care about them. Always makes me feel like i have got it wrong somehow and have misjudged him, making me leaving him a huge mistake. If I were to be wrong in what I am doing now, I would be devastated.

You are not wrong. You know that. This man assaulted you and stole from you. Stay strong, I hope the handover goes well.

Name that's exactly what that picture is designed to do - show off what a 'great dad' he is.

But new clothes doesn't mean he cares about them, it means he wants people to go 'oh look he's bought them new clothes, he's doing fun things, what a great dad he is'.

A great dad who cares about his kids doesn't palm them off on their grandparents while he spends whole days of his precious time with them doing DIY. A great dad who cares about his kids makes an effort to see them as often as possible. A 90-min drive is not an excuse. My older son's dad (not abusive) lived 500 miles away and flew up every three weeks to see him (and usually flew him baack down for several days, only to fly him back up then fly back down himself) - huge expense, but he was that determined. A great dad is consistent and sees them/speaks to them regularly. Older son's ex phoned every single day to speak to him. (Yes, that was a bit much for me, but cannot fault him for wanting to speak to his son.)

My abusive FW ex's FB profile pic is of him holding his son (my younger son) about two summers ago. This summer, he's been off for 7 straight weeks (he's a teacher) and has seen his son 4 extra days on top of his normal Saturday. He wants to be seen as a great dad, not to actually be one.

Don't buy into the propoganda. It's what he's hoping for. so he doesn't get done for fraud

The company accountant HAS to disclose information to you as you are a director and the company will have to pay for that not you as an individual.

Funnily enough, this is the first, maybe second pic of the DDs he has ever posted up.

They are usually pics of cars or planes, or other such hobbies. I think he does post them as a message - when he wanted me back he was suddenly posting things like the girls toys, or a flower in a vase in the kitchen (he never bought me flowers, it was like he was trying to woo me back?!)

Anyway, I picked the girls up, and he didn't talk to me at all. In fact he was actively avoiding me. He said bye to the girls from the other side of the car, and loaded their bags in. DDs were hungry and as we had met outside a restaurant I told them we could eat there. They asked H to join us, he said no, and he left. Not sure what I was worried about, but he was openly avoiding me, which was a bit sad but also a relief.

DDs had a lovely time with him, he took them out and also did things at home, and bought them a few new bits and bobs - dresses, t-shirts etc. Surprising, and appreciated.

He has told girls he will see them again on DD3s birthday over the summer hols, but has ignored my question when I asked him if he plans to see them. So still speaking via the children instead of openly discussing these things with me, which is usual and shit and a reminder of our married life together. I am glad he was hostile in a way, as it makes it easier again. He is full of anger.

It must be hard to have DDs for two weeks and then leave them and not know when he will see them again. Also hard that his wife and children have left him and his lovely family life has gone - his worse nightmare was being single. But I can't feel guilty for those things any longer.

I'm digressing a bit from the finances I know. But DDs are back and I feel a bit saner again.

I'm so glad the girls had a good time with him, and that he looked like he wanted to be a good dad. Sadly, I think he'll get bored unless he doesn't see them often, he simply won't be able to keep it up as it's not in his nature. Maybe the best thing for the girls would be if he didn't see them more than once a month . They won't miss much as your male relatives are all much, much better role models.

I think it will end up being once a month - next visit is planned as one day at the end of August. And then the October half term. I agree he would get bored and it was good quality time as he hadn't seen them in 6 weeks.

Why are you feeling sorry for him not knowing when he will see them again?

I honestly don't think he cares for them???? The evidence so far is that they don't matter enough to him to travel up and collect them alternate weekends. I think this was all a show to portray to you that he misses them and his heartbroken! FGS he had them for 2 weeks and still doing DIY and leaving them with his parents was a priority to him.

Stop thinking he has the same emotional attachment to them as you do. They are merely props in his life.

You do need to get in touch with the company accountant and solicitor and formally inform them that he has been keeping funds from you and that you will be seeking the money he has declared that you have received out the business that you have never had. They have a professional obligation to not collude with him and transfer funds etc out of the account.

Random, I honestly do not know why I feel sorry for him, but I do. The guilt I have at the moment is overwhelming - that I have taken a happy life away from him and the DDs. I know its a similar thing that is making me procrastinate over finances - the one thing that would really, really hurt him.

If I fell back into place then life would be as it is supposed to be. Children have two parents and we all have a great life together, free from financial worry, and happy times ahead. I know this is not true, but I can't shake it, and am very conditioned to put H's needs ahead of mine. It's wrong. I have a counsellor appt this morning and will talk it through.