Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

I managed to speak to the DDs this evening, they are at the rental house with him, drawing whilst he is doing DIY. They have not been out or done anything else today except hang around at the house H is decorating (rental property).

They are enjoying it and having a good time, but he is an arse for spending his precious holiday time with the DDs doing bugger all with them.

I am so glad I am not still married to him, else the expectation would be that he takes holiday and does the diy, whilst I take the holiday and look after the children at his parent's house. At least the girls are enjoying the break.

Ask your solicitor about the account and how you might get some recompense, or maybe ask here on the Legal Board.

Hanging out and drawing will pall fairly quickly for the girls. It's lucky he doesn't see them that often really. They will find it less satisfactory as time goes by and they hear of all the things their peers do. Poor kids. But! They have you and your family and can do lots of stuff all the rest of the time. You're right, if you can see it as downtime for them for the recharging of batteries in order to do the good stuff with you, that will help your frame of mind!

I wonder about writing to the bank (recorded delivery) and informing them that you have been tricked into not being on the bank account and are his business partner and to ensure that he is not able to withdraw the funds and close the account. Well something along those lines but basically giving the bank the heads up that he is being dishonest and the money is not all his despite it being only his name on the account.

Are your names even on the deeds of the marital home, what about the rental ones? You need charges put against all the properties so he cannot sell them without your knowledge.

Can you speak to the bank and get new login details? If it a joint account, and you can't access it, then the bank should help you.

sorry, xpost there. I now see it is not a joint account.

If it is a limited company, and you are a shareholder or a director (either of these might be the 'putting your name on the paperwork' thing), then you are (and have been) entitled to either a salary or a dividend (share of the profits) in proportion to your shares.

You need to see the company accountant, who, if you are on the paperwork, should answer your questions.

I am a director and he paid me £800/month salary per month but nothing more. Once paid me £5k divedends in Dec last year and that's it. From May tried to get me to sign over my share in company (I didn't do this).

And no salary or childcare vouchers since then because it's a new tax year and I have since set up my own limited company.

I have whatsapp messages from me to him where I have asked him for login to our internet account and whilst he didn't say No outright he did evade the question 3 times. I want my £80-100k back without it being considered part of the matrimonial assets as it was earnings denied to me whilst married.

Wish my sol was back from holiday. I don't know if what I am requesting is reasonable in the eyes of the law. But he is not providing a penny towards his young children and their future wellbeing, uni fees etc will all fall to be to cover.

Didn't realised I was entitled to profits in proportion to my shares? Because that definitely did not happen... I got £5-10k max in dividends but my profit alone was 80k and his similar..

He may own a larger share of the company than you though

You need to speak to the company accountant and ask for all the legal information regarding the company that you are still a director/shareholder of. The accountant will have to divulge this information to you!!!!

The £800 per month is probably okay, as a low salary with high dividends is quite usual. If you can show that you've never received dividends above £5k, and more were owed (particularly if he has personal drawings on the account that were higher, and that didn't go to joint expenses) then your accountant should tell you what you were owed. In fact, I think that the company accounts would detail what dividends were paid out - you can get these from Companies House for a small fee. If the accountant is a mate of your ex, you might need to make noises about professional bodies, ombudsmen etc. in order to get the details.

Don't forget that, had you actually been paid the £80-£100k when you should have been, some of those earnings would have contributed to the household (so if he's paid towards the household, some of that -50%?- could be considered your contribution), and some of it you would have had to pay to the taxman, so perhaps think about what amount would have been your actual, post-tax, 'free' money.

Sorry, cross-post - I was slow.

Do you know how many shares you have compared to him? it's often 51% to 49%, so that one person has a controlling vote, for instance.

And, if you're still a shareholder, despite not working for the company, you're still entitled to the dividends.

Jeez- he really is a shit. Nice bit of financial abuse thrown in for good measure

A couple more thoughts (sorry, they keep coming to me) - firstly, if its a single company, with two shareholders, nobody's profit is 'theirs' - its the profit of the company, and is either spent by in the company (for equipment, to pay wages etc., and it doesn't sound like it's that sort of business) or what's let over after company tax is shared out.

Secondly this is about company law, not family law. The company is a separate legal entity, and technically, its the company who should have paid out, not your ex. I'm sure your solicitor may be able to advise you, but in law your ex and the company are different entities. It may turn out that, as a company director and shareholder, he's committed fraud against another company director and shareholder.

It may turn out that, as a company director and shareholder, he's committed fraud against another company director and shareholder.

That's along the lines of what I was thinking.

I checked the paperwork he wanted me to sign to hand my shares back. I have a 50% share of the business.

I have no idea where the money in the account has been spent, I suspect it goes towards his business deal with friend that he has arrived out in his name only.

He has borrowed 500k off 'friends' and family and is paying them back plus interest, something he never told me about either.

His £45k was paid for using a company loan (or so he tells me, I suspect this is a lie).

So what next? I am in this deeper than I know what to do.

I had a basic salary of £9,600 to keep it under the tax/NI threshold. dividends were promised but never paid. The remainder of my earnings sat in the account and I don't know where they went.

I have a sol (well, a barrister, who is currently on holiday) and I have details for the accountant who dealt with all the business account. I'll have to find exactly how much money I earned vs what I was paid.

But I have no idea how much H paid himself or where he spend.

I paid all of the house bills eg food, heating, nursery fees, holidays out of my salary. He paid for business stuff eg rental houses, I don't know if this was from business account or (more likely) a super are account he had which he always used for rental house stuff. I just dont know where the rest of the cash went.

I assume solicitor could force him to make a full disclosure on his spending.

Super are = another

There are people called forensic accountants who will ferret out financial dealings which have been kept hidden. You probably won't need one, but I mention it so you know they exist, if this proves to be intractable to a straightforward accountant.

Thanks so much I will look into these today.

H and DDs are still at in laws and DDs are having a great time. They are going to our old house today and very excited.

I've been out with friends, working, sleeping and had a good week too.

H has asked me to go down to I laws house as his dad would like to speak with me, but I am not doing this based on advice from family and friends.

Would dearly love to go down and explain to FIL what the situation is (again!) but it doesn't make any difference so I won't go.

Can't be that urgent as I spoke to DDs on Skype today, H was in same ro but never came on screen or sai anything to me at all - apart from telling girls to hang up when their 20mins was up.

Looking forward to having a week off with them next week.

I have looked at some tax returns and on paper he says he has been paying me £40,000 per annum. But this is incorrect, he has been paying me closer to £15-20,000 tops per year. I guess I have my bank statements to prove this if nothing else.

I have asked him for the login for the joint account again today, as he wants me to chase clients for payment, which I have refused to do without login.

He won't give it to me, and told me to send him my invoices and he will chase MY clients himself! Luckily he doesn't have their contact details at the moment, he could google them, but I don't think my clients/finance dept would share that info with him anyway.

I reached a bit of a pause with the divorce proceedings as he has the children, and, as predicted, I miss them alot and think about getting back together again. This time the feeling of reconciling was not as strong as last time they were away, and I guess it will get easier still over time.

But withholding the finances for me even now is beyond ridiculous. I am going to file divorce papers to the court, and get things moving. I need to get away from him, even though I am persuading myself otherwise!

They have been going to the park with SIL and children (never, ever used to see SIL and their children ever during the summer hols, yet here she is supporting her brother dearest now!).

Yesterday was park again and today its a trip to a theme park with their friends. Why do I feel so uneasy when they are off having a great time? I would love to be there and join in their fun. How comes he is being a good, proactive dad now, when he never has been all of these years? Will it last?