Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Word of warning:- speak to the the company in person rather than simply reissuing the invoice. This will avoid the risk of them paying into the account they have on record without checking the reissued invoice and prevent the trigger of a potential money laundering investigation! Better to be safe and prevent potential complications

This was work invoiced through a joint company? Or just through your company, but paid into a 'joint' account? Check this with your accountant - and it only works if it's work invoiced through your sole company - but how about contacting the firms who haven't paid and offering them a discount (small) if the invoices are paid immediately online to your new account? That may get them paying quickly, and also into the new account. Then your new account is on their system and there's no danger of them paying into the old account by mistake.

It was invoiced to our joint company, but I will see if I can get payment made into my new company account (which I can access) instead.

Still fuming that he has this much control over my cash. I'll speak to my accountant tomorrow about how best to retrieve this.

H came and picked up the DDs from the party - 1 hour late . Obviously his time with DDs is so very important to him, having not seen them for 6 weeks.

DDs asked if he has got them new bikes (I have their old ones with me), as they are desperate to go bike riding and he asked me to pack their helmets. No, it turns out he hasn't got them yet. I packed 2yo bicycle seat, but forgot to pack the attachment it needs to fix onto his bike. I told him to take the seat and buy the attachment, he refused to take it, so I am not sure they will get bikes bought for them now.

He took them to his parents house to stay. They text me in the morning, and had been playing in the garden, and then popped out to see their cousins (who we never, ever went to visit when married).

Then yesterday they went to the park with grandmother, whilst H went to do some diy at his rental place. In the afternoon they went to visit dad doing his diy.

Today they don't know what they are going to be doing.

I would have chatted more, but H said we he needed the phone now and made them say their goodbyes.

Just a waste to take them after so long and then leave them at home with his parents whilst he does his sodding diy again.

It was lovely to speak to them though. I am enjoying my much-needed break - just working longer days and so getting through more and not having the frantic rushing around to do. Have also been to the gym, for dinner with some strangers from a metope group (was lots of fun!), and shopping, and reading. I am enjoying the balance.

He's such a wanker and waste of space.

Are you running a sweepstake to see how early he returns them?

Sounds like your dd's will be at their grand parents for the 2 weeks they are 'with their dad''.

Of course he never had any intentions of looking after them all by himself for 2 weeks, he was just being his usual assholyness! Jeeze this guy Shaking My Damn Head

Naturally staying with dad actually means staying with granny! Heaven forfend that he should take some responsibility for them himself, or inconvenience himself by doing nice things with them, like bike riding.

You're keeping good notes, aren't you?

Glad you're getting a decent break, though, you certainly need it and definitely deserve it. I have no idea what a metope group is

I spoke to the DDs again this morning.

Yesterday FIL took them to the park, whilst daddy was working. They went to see dad for a bit and helped him strip some wallpaper.

Today FIL is taking them back to the same park, and they are very excited. It has an outdoor paddling area, and so they are taking their swimming costumes with them.

DD1 asked dad if they could go back to dad's house today (instead of being at inlaws) - she is enjoying it at ILs but is keen to go back to her old bedroom).

Daddy said No we can't go today, we because there is too much work to do. Plasterers will be coming today or tomorrow from what I can gather from DD.

Then after 28min convo he did the same thing as yesterday - told the girls to hurry up and say bye, as he needed the phone.

Am keeping this thread as notes.

So his limit is half an hour. Good grief.

The danger is that by the time contact needs to be made official they will have got so fed up with him that they'll be disinterested and he'll be granted a lot less access than otherwise. Oh dear, my heart bleeds

Though it does bleed for your lovely girls. They deserve so much more. At least the gps are stepping up. Good gps are great, you will know that the girls are safe, properly cared for, and staying with people who love them. That's all good.

I am really annoyed that after not seeing them for 6 weeks, and then kicking up such a fuss about spending time with them and not having them go to parties etc, he has effectively dumped my babies with his parents whilst he goes back to his diy.

I know everyone was telling me he doesn't care for the children and was using them in his games, but it's sad that this is now so evident.

Girls were ok, and yes, they are being well fed and taken care of by their gps, thank goodness. And GPs do love them very much, despite not having the balls to pull up their son on his violent, abusive behaviour and absent parenting.

But yes, DDs will get fed up of this soon enough. On the plus side they are not doing much and will be having some much-needed downtime before our holiday plans kick-in, I suppose.

He is a selfish arse to do this to them. They deserve so much more than him.

I have been fuming all day about this, so thank you for your support Jux.

Venting and listening to others agreeing with me is very therapeutic at the moment.

Definitely agreeing with you.

But, for now, I'd just keep a record of this and use it if he ever calls for extended contact that doesn't suit them.

Maybe suggest to him that the children should go home, as he doesn't seem to have the time for them.

Yes, am keeping a record of this, both on here and elsewhere.

I called again this morning, twice, and he didn't pick up his phone. On Monday when I called at 11am and again at 5pm he didn't return my call till 8.30pm, so I am hoping he doesn't do the same again today.

I have a feeling he has left early to start his DIY and so I have missed my chance to talk to the girls today

Massively annoyed about my finances. Trying to sort out these unpaid invoices, and I have no idea whats going on! I have received email confirmation that payments have been made, but I can't logon to the account to confirm this as bastard H won't give me the login.

I have been trawling through my emails for correspondences from clients so I can see what's been paid and what hasn't, but how on earth am I mean to call someone about year old invoices, when I have no access to double-check anything. I am fuming and want to throw the book at him now.

Sol is now on holiday for 3 weeks.

I would just email him back and tell him you are unable to chase the invoices and not prepared to do so without being able to log on to the account to confirm what your clients are telling you. I think I would also through something in there about him making you look unprofessional and trying to ruin your reputation as he appears to making you chase debts that do not exist!!!!

As for the girls sadly I'm not surprised. Do you not have the phone number for the GPs to call them there? You could do a quick call to ask what time it what suit them for you to ring and chat to the girls?

You are the best judge, but I'd explain to the clients that either a) you are having trouble with the account and could they possibly send proof of payment or b) you are separating and could they possibly send proof of payment or c) forget about it and tell your ex to chase it up himself.

At the moment I am going with refusing to chase it up unless H provides the internet login details.

I already have proof from clients via email remittance letters, so I don't know why the money has not been paid in. And I can't check the account or answer any queries re payment delays, so I look massively unprofessional if I query this.

I don't know how I can reclaim the money he has been keeping from me for years, or if that just falls into the pot of matrimonial assets. Surely it can't do.

I am sending forms requesting a court date for our divorce hearing. It's horrendously scary but I am so sick of him now.

He is such an arse, I'm seriously wondering if he's done this as a wind up to remind you he's in control

You have got me wondering the same thing now.... Clients have proof of payment and he was always chasing me to confirm payment throughout the year so it's difficult to believe he didn't spot these as he went along.

I am finding it hard not seeing the girls and am trying hard not to get down about everything. He is not giving a crap about our kids keeping them cooped up at his parents, and he has no moral compass either as he stop refuses me access to finances. I really want this to end fairly for us. He is just so twisted.

I don't know enough about the legalities, but surely as a business partner you'd have the legal right to the account and to the business accounts. I'd check my rights regarding that.

If it's a joint account with your name on it can't you just ring the bank and ask them to send you a new password? Sorry if I've missed something!

Elizabethreallyismissing, OP has found out that her H never put her details on the account and that's why she has no legal right to access that account or why any she can not get any money from that account unless her H would give her.

Thank you clutterbug I had a feeling I was stating the obvious!

If it's a joint account with your name on it can't you just ring the bank and ask them to send you a new password? Sorry if I've missed something!

Yes, I tried doing exactly this, because I (naively) thought that H had added my name to the paperwork and the bank account. But it turns out he had only added it to the paperwork (because of potential tax benefits I think), but not to the account.

Even now he maintains that he asked me if I would like access to the bank account and I said no, so he didn't add me

I know have text message evidence asking him for access to the bank account, and him evading the question and not giving it to me. Last time I looked that account had £47,000 in it. Since leaving in Jan he has given me £5,000 which was in the first month. Nothing since then.