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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

999 replies

Namechanger2015 · 17/05/2015 21:01

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me Hmm)
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 16/07/2015 12:45

He would never, ever leave the sports car with me for the weekend - he would just rather not come if that was a likelihood. Although of course he says he bought it as a surprise for me. Hmm

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/07/2015 15:03

It's partly seeing that he is finally planning ahead and doing nice things with them... It makes me feel like they are being a happy family together and if I went back then it would be perfect and the kids would absolutely love life again.

Don't you think this is exactly why he's asked you to pack their helmets and swimming costumes? It's working, isn't it? They'll be fine, though. Most people have two weeks' holiday which they enjoy but it doesn't stop them coming back home and settling into normal life again.

As for the surprise for you that you're not allowed to use, well, that's all of a piece with not thinking of you as a separate human being I guess. Because he's happy, obviously you must be too, even though you don't get a look in.

Lweji · 16/07/2015 15:08

Although of course he says he bought it as a surprise for me.

But it was never in your name, was it?

Lweji · 16/07/2015 15:09

It's also the feeling of the children being back in our marital home again for two weeks, and remembering/enjoying their old lives again. It will make it hard for them to leave again and come back to me.

Do you really think the house without you is more important to them than you without the house?

I know where my DS would go.

RandomMess · 16/07/2015 17:27

He's such a w*nker he really is.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 16/07/2015 18:44

I guess it's all about being nice to the DDs on his terms only. If they come to see him he will be engaged, but cba to come here and see them for the day - too much effort.

He mentioned seeing them in October half term - I wonder if weekend visits will fizzle out completely.

He still has not asked why DD2 is seeing a consultant.

Have to remember he is a rubbish husband and dad and summer fun is only temporary...

OP posts:
mummytime · 16/07/2015 20:55

To help you remember how rubbish he is just look at this:
"He still has not asked why DD2 is seeing a consultant. "

I can't imagine any Half-decent Dad not asking, and even most friends etc. would ask without wanting to pry. Or ask if you needed help etc.

Lweji · 16/07/2015 21:08

Quite frankly, I'd go as far as saying it's in the children's best interest that contact fizzles out.
They don't need an abusive twat that assaults their mother and puts them in inadequate seats in their lives.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 16/07/2015 21:52

To help you remember how rubbish he is just look at this:
"He still has not asked why DD2 is seeing a consultant."

Yes, this is very strange! I keep wondering if I have mentioned to him what the appt is for, the children may have done if he asked, but as a parent I would still want the information from an adult.

Quite frankly, I'd go as far as saying it's in the children's best interest that contact fizzles out. They don't need an abusive twat that assaults their mother and puts them in inadequate seats in their lives.

I keep thinking this too - what's worse? An absent dad, or a rubbish half-present one? I am so glad they live with me. You are right, it's a two week holiday with dad, and then they will be back home with me.

I'm doing that same silly thing that kept me in the marriage - concentrating on the nice thing he is doing (buying them bikes to keep at 'his' house, and promising to take them swimming), and so thinking he is not all bad, and perhaps I am making a mistake by leaving him. I'm not. I have to keep staying angry and reminding myself of that.

I finished the Freedom Programme today, which possibly did not help. I worry my anger will go, and the reality will be that he was not half as bad as I thought, and I have been an idiot to leave him. I am so glad I have been keeping this thread alive to help me make sense of him, and making notes of little things along the way.

You ladies are helping me so, so much to survive this. Wine

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/07/2015 22:56

He assaulted you. He was cold about it.

It was that bad.

Keep remembering it. How you felt then. What could have happened. Your children's reactions.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 17/07/2015 07:40

Thanks lweji. The assault, and a million other things over the years.

Two weeks off in the summer will not be enough to make him a good dad.

I did ask if he wanted them again in a few weeks time, I said I need to know by Thursday otherwise I will make plans. He has not got back to me about it, so I will take that to mean that 2 weeks now is enough for him and he cba to take any further time off work to spend with them.

And yet he was telling me I am selfish and had not kept enough spare time for him and the kids! Idiot.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 17/07/2015 07:51

Because the world revolves around him, "selfish" in his dictionary means "failing to put me first". By the same token anything you do for anyone else in the world is selfish, because you have taken the decision to spend energy Not On Him. Even looking after the children is only allowed because you need to keep them well and cheerful for the next visitation with the Great One. So I'd ignore the S-word any time it comes out of his mouth. It doesn't mean what most of us would take it to mean.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 17/07/2015 22:21

So H is still an arse. He text me today. When we were together, we were both self-employed and used one business account (against my wishes).

So, we have one account, that mine and his salary goes into. He does not give me access to the account, and will not give me the internet login despite me asking him for the full 2 years we have had this account.

So the texts were as follows:

Him: You have some unpaid invoices from last year, can you chase them
Me: Which ones are they?
Him: [Gives me a list on invoice numbers and amounts]
Me: Send me the login for the internet banking so I can double-check this
Him: I have already double and triple checked it. They have not been paid
Me: So how can I check with my client? What if they say they were paid a different month?
Him: Fine, I have emailed you a spreadsheet with the invoice details
Me: I can't open the email. Send me login details so I can check online
Him: [Sends me photos of his screen instead - so I can see the numbers but nothing else]
Me: [speechless]... ok I will check.
Him: And you need to send me copies of the invoices because tax returns are due

He will not give me the internet login details for the account that has held my earnings for the past 2 years. The missing amounts are worth 10K in total, its around 5/6 invoices out of about 40 I sent last year. And last year he paid me a salary of £9,600 in total. The rest of my salary he pocketed.

I am sending screenshots of these messages to my solicitor, as evidence of his financial abuse.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/07/2015 22:31

Can you speak to the bank - surely if it's your business your name is on the account?

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 17/07/2015 22:43

I went to the bank with my passport etc to withdraw some money from the account when I first left him.

Turns out that although he added me as a company director on paper, he did not add my name as an authorised signatory on the bank account.

So I don't have any access to this at all. I've since opened my own account for my earnings to go into, but can't access anything I've earned when married as he denies me access to the account.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 18/07/2015 09:06

Ever since this conversation with H happened yesterday I can't stop thinking about it and the fact I have lived like this for so long. I really don't know who I was.

If anyone else is reading this and thinks they cannot leave an abusive relationship, please remember who you were before you met your partner. You can be that person again.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/07/2015 09:09

Well I'd tell him to chase the debt himself. Unless he is prepared to give £x being the money you earned last year that you haven't yet received.

Clutterbugsmum · 18/07/2015 09:29

I'd chase the debt but giving you new bank account details for payment if they haven't been paid.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/07/2015 09:32

Well exactly, why would you go to some effort to chase money that will just go straight into what is effectively his account? What is in this for you?

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 18/07/2015 09:54

Name obviously money is tight at the moment, it would be good to seek legal advice on this, failing that I'd advise posting on Contractor UK site Forum (assuming you're a contractor??) for advice on this because I don't think it's as simple as telling him to chase or you doing nothing, after all it affects you directly in relation to HMRC? Unless I've gotten the wrong end of the stick?

RandomMess · 18/07/2015 10:01

I never thought about them paying it to your new bank account!!!

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 18/07/2015 11:20

I'm hoping I can chase them and reissue the invoice with new bank details so the money comes to me instead. He would then have to cancel the invoices he has. But I'm not sure if that is the correct move tax wise, I will speak to my accountant on Monday and see if I can do this. It's 10k worth so would make a huge difference to me.

At the moment I am raging that he has done this to me for so long. He thinks it's ok for me to earn and pay to him and then to give me no rights to access my money. And he is still doing it.

I always thought I was the secondary earner providing pocket money to the family and my earnings meant nothing.

As it is I earned 50% of our income whilst also holding sole responsibility for the house and the children. He is an utter utter shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 18/07/2015 11:23

Well exactly, why would you go to some effort to chase money that will just go straight into what is effectively his account? What is in this for you?

At the moment there is nothing in it for me at all. I would be chasing for payments that would straight into an account I can't access and he can continue spending from.

I think he is so used to me listening and doing as I am told wrt finances that he thinks this is no different and he can just bulldoze me through this.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/07/2015 15:26

Tax wise I can't see how it would matter - there would be sufficient from the rest of your earnings in the business account to pay the tax that you HMRC. You need the £10k as cash flow - I'd view it as a free loan from the business account tbh.

Lweji · 18/07/2015 19:38

Yes, chase them up for payment with new bank account details. Win, win.

And then toy with him and don't tell him if or when they have been paid.