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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

999 replies

Namechanger2015 · 17/05/2015 21:01

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me Hmm)
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/07/2015 19:39

He's very lucky.

DS's dad only has supervised access.

RandomMess · 06/07/2015 20:37

Broken record, in writing only. If he wishes to take you to court for and alternative he is more than welcome; can't seeing him getting it through before the hols though Wink

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 06/07/2015 21:18

I was hoping we could at least be civil wrt to the children, and not drag them into this and play games. But the fact is he has not come down to see them on the last 4 times he had a chance to do so. Now all of a sudden it's convenient to have them for two weeks (out of spite I'm sure), and he couldn't possibly miss 2 days with them.

He was supposed to have them this weekend, but said it's too much running around, so he won't be.

I have also offered him to have them for 5 days later in the hols, which he is also ignoring - I am 100% positive that he will not take them then, as he will have had 2 weeks off work and will not want to take any more leave, as it impacts his pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 06/07/2015 21:21

Best friend is pissed off too, because her husband was very supportive of H when we first split, and treated him very fairly despite what H had done to me.

So for H to dismiss their child's birthday like this is very hurtful to them as well.

I do have everything in writing - I am hoping my whatsapp conversations count? - and I am trying to speak reasonably and civil to him for that reason. He however is not. His language is very combative and he is spoiling for a fight.

He reminds me so clearly why I left and why I cannot live with him, despite once loving him to pieces.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 06/07/2015 21:23

This is, of course, why you do need a SHL in your corner. The last one sounds more like a mere SL!

Yes! I am hoping my new SHL is much better - he certainly feels like he is good, and I feel like I am going to need him. I just want to have this all over and done with. The DDs are so much happier now than before, and so much more loved.

He still can't get past him, and what he wants. Ugh.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/07/2015 21:25

He is doing everything he can to try and still control you.

Stop discussing arrangements etc. Give him the dates of the weekends he can have them and the non-term time up until 1st Jan. No more negotiating, no more changing (this may come back and bite you I'm afraid).

You make the dc available then - not that I think he'll turn up tbh Sad

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 06/07/2015 21:32

He is doing everything he can to try and still control you.

Agreed.

I am trying hard not to negotiate here, and will put my foot down about this weekend. He just doesn't listen and will never change.

His bastard guilt trips are so annoying, when he shows no guilt or remorse at what he did to me, or the children. It's still all about him and his needs.

You make the dc available then - not that I think he'll turn up tbh

He has now not seen them in a month. Last time was 10th June, when I took them to see him. Last time he made the effort to drive down was May half term, when he took them for 4 days out of a possible 10.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/07/2015 21:41

Very much showing his abusive true colour .

RandomMess · 06/07/2015 21:42

Exactly he's not interest in seeing them, it's all about controlling YOU (and them by default)

I would maintain radio silence and stop engaging with him at all.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 06/07/2015 21:53

I would maintain radio silence and stop engaging with him at all.

I have been doing so well at this, and now he is back to messing with my head. I will not give in about the birthday plans, he is free t have then after that.

His language was just so aggressive, he was back to being the man he was the day e grabbed me by the throat. Not listening to me, accusing game of being angry, and not seeing he was doing anything wrong. He will always be this angry, vicious, selfish and self-pitying man. My DDs deserve much better.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/07/2015 21:58

Yes they do and so do you!!!

AmIbeingTreasonable · 06/07/2015 22:17

I would email him stating the facts of the times (past) that were "his" weekends and his excuses (fact) of why he wasn't coming.
Then state clearly when they are available from now on and do not engage in any conversation.
Also keep this record updated for your own future purposes as it may come in handy. He will probably whinge later on about you keeping them from him, then you can calmly show the timeline with the facts.

Lweji · 06/07/2015 22:28

Do your best to leave at least a couple of days between answering his messages, so that you have the time to cool off from his abuse and regain your assertiveness.
Then ignore the abuse and state matter of fact your position in relation to the children. Keep mentioning that you are doing what is best for them. And that he should too.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 06/07/2015 22:36

Do your best to leave at least a couple of days between answering his messages, so that you have the time to cool off from his abuse and regain your assertiveness.

Yes, I will not reply just yet - although technically since I sent the last message (re-offering him the 5 days with the DDs later in the summer) - it's actually him who is not replying. Hmm

Weirdly, I don't feel scared or non-assertive now. I feel ready to break his balls for being such a shit. Angry

He said on the phone today yeah, that's it, you just carry on being angry

It was in exactly the same way he said yeah, go on, keep asking me, like that's gonna make me answer you when I asked him where he had been, and he didn't want to answer me. Just before he hit me.

Just exactly the same. He is him, and he has not changed. Angry Sad

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/07/2015 22:44

If he doesn't reply then nothing happens. End of.

He can keep on being an arse. Wink

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 06/07/2015 22:52

Yes. But I don't want him to then turn up on 17th demanding to have them. But you are right. No point worrying.

In a messed up way I am glad he is being an arse. It reminds me and confirms why I am doing this.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/07/2015 22:57

But I don't want him to then turn up on 17th demanding to have them.

One opportunity to not back down and show your assertiveness.

But I'd probably just take off somewhere else just in case, so that the children don't have to witness it.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 07/07/2015 09:43

HE spoke to the children this morning. They asked when they can see him. He said 'I don't know, we have to sort out the dates when you can come here'.

Grrr. Why say that when dates are sorted? Why not give them a straight answer?

DDs asked 'what have you got planned for us to do in the holidays daddy?'

He said: I don't know, you think about it and let me know what you want to do.

He will plan bugger all and they will sit around for two weeks. I just know it. Yes, they need downtime, but this will be him being useless again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 07/07/2015 11:05

Hmm.. If he lets me take the DDs to their friends party, he will be useless for changing plans at the last minute, not giving me time to get a present etc.

If he doesn’t let me take them, then he is an arse for keeping the girls away from their friends party.

He doesn’t win in either scenario. A few months ago I would have been full of angst at this. But I have realised that he brings this no-win situation onto himself by arguing for no apparent reason. None of this will bode well for him in the long-run.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 07/07/2015 12:02

It isn't for him to 'let' you do anything - the girls have a commitment and will be free on x date, end of issue. For the girls' sake he needs to get his head around them having their own lives now. The older they get the more they will have their own plans and his control can't extend to 'no guides, sleep overs, clubs, parties, everything must be cancelled if I decide I want access to you that day'. Plus this is potentially another avenue of control he can exert from afar. They can't do this or do that because he might want access, or this must be cancelled. How is that different from his no making cakes they're messy edicts? I'd nip this in the bud.

Jux · 07/07/2015 12:06

You take the girls to the party, and he picks them up from there.

Lweji · 07/07/2015 12:07

He will have to work around their schedule, or take them himself.
If he fails, then he shows that he is not sufficiently responsible and should have limited access.

Make it abundantly clear that access is for their benefit alone. That you are doing him a favour, as he could easily have no access (given his abuse of you in front of them).

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 07/07/2015 14:30

Plus this is potentially another avenue of control he can exert from afar. They can't do this or do that because he might want access, or this must be cancelled. How is that different from his no making cakes they're messy edicts? I'd nip this in the bud.

Ugh, you are right. I just don't know how to handle these things with him. I am not going to reply for a few days, I need to not obsess over it and just let myself breathe. I can feel my sense of panic rising again, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like something horrible is going to happen. It's that feeling of losing control of myself again.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 07/07/2015 16:17

He's a dead bore, absolutely not worth obsessing over or letting yourself get stressed over. Not replying immediately sounds a great idea anyway to take the heat out of it, you're not feeding the beast.

Hope you can find some time today to do something to relax and get him out of your headspace. Thanks

RandomMess · 07/07/2015 17:13

You don't reply to anything until you are ready, always welcome to run it by us lot...

He absolutely works around their schedule because they come FIRST at all times. He does not get to dictate what events they attend or activities they do unless he has a predetermined contact weekend with them - say every 3 or 4 weeks then it would be unreasonable to not keep it "free" however if he continues to not collect them on these then fuck that for a game of soldiers he'll have to manage around them.

Hope that makes sense.