Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

I'd say to him Look. As I've already told you, the DCs are free from the Monday, as they have prior engagements before that. If you won't even put them first at this early stage, I fear for your future relationship with them. We will expect you on Monday at to collect them. They are looking forward to it. Please don't let them down.

Fantastic he believes I am the one not not putting them first, as I am making them go to a birthday party when they would obviously rather be spending that day with them. I should be thinking about him and what he would like to do with the children apparently.

This is despite the fact they have the next 10 days with him, and the birthday party is someone they know extremely well.

And not mentioning the fact that he has not seen them on the last 4 occasions he was asked to/supposed to be seeing them.

He has always had this weird opinion that birthday parties are meaningless, and a waste of time, unless they are his, or DDs, or his families. Everybody else is no big deal, including mine.

Mine was poorly attended, which I am used to and totally understand as it's close to Xmas. He saw this as some sort of teenage yardstick to how popular I was - oh, so you aren't worth it, nobody is coming to your birthday party. That was for my 40th.

I guess it just reinforces that he is going back to being who he was, and it's only been 6 months of effort. He is a bore, you are right.

Please realise that he is incapable of seeing what is important to the dc. Just present everything as matter of fact, don't even tell him what the prior engagement is just when they are available.

It doesn't matter what he thinks or believes he is deluded with issues and abusive. Don't bother trying to educate him - but on your balls of steel and just tell him how it is. He will threaten you with court, he may well take you to court for fixed contact - so what??? That will be no worse than the situation you have now will it. Can't see him turning up for EOW fixed contact even if he got awarded that much.

he believes I am the one not not putting them first

He has always had this weird opinion that birthday parties are meaningless

But now you don't have to make decisions based on what he believes and what his weird opinions are.

he believes birthdays are unimportant and you believe they are important, and so do your dds I bet. Since when is his belief more important or right than yours? He doesn't have to celebrate birthdays (now) unless he wants to, and actually nor do you. Conversely, you are free to celebrate anyones birthday however you see fit, and so are your daughters.

So if they want to go to the birthday party, then they go. It's not an either/or. They can see their dad a day or two later.

I reckon he will decide not to have them though, as he's not getting contact as and when he likes. He only wants them that day because they have something fun to do and it will make him feel ohsoterribly important if they have to miss a treat in order for him to have contact.

Keep notes.

It's just another game. He is boring!

I would email him stating the facts of the times (past) that were "his" weekends and his excuses (fact) of why he wasn't coming.
Then state clearly when they are available from now on and do not engage in any conversation.
Also keep this record updated for your own future purposes as it may come in handy. He will probably whinge later on about you keeping them from him, then you can calmly show the timeline with the facts.

Just repeating my previous post. It's not about what he wants, but what is best for the children. Just keep repeating it.

I had a meeting with a mediator and she was asking if I am letting the girls have contact with him and letting them call him if they want to. I am doing this, but they don't ever ask to call him?

I don't offer or push to call him as I don't like the conversations they have - eg him making false promises.

I am hoping this doesn't stand against me legally. I'm going to speak to the shl about this all, I feel like his erratic contact is still very much controlling behaviour.

On the plus side I had a lovely dinner out with My two best friends this week, we had a blast, went to a super posh restaurant that turned out not to be great and I made a conscious effort not to discuss divorce or H. I am turning back into who I was again.

I am turning back into who I was again.

It's great to read this. :)

I think you will be ok, just as long as you don't prevent contact and allow them to contact him.

I'd expect that if you don't allow contact with good reason (for their benefit) you will be ok too.

He should be making much more effort and keeping up with his side of the contact arrangements.

It's not your responsibility to organise, facilitate, prompt or initiate contact; just not to block it. The rest is up to him.

Ok that makes me feel better. I never stop them contacting him, but they genuinely do not ask. Oldest had a kindle as a present from my dad, and so she also has freely available email contact.

They emailed once or twice but then it fizzles out.

Had a really successful work meeting today, and tried to come out of my shell and chat to the team instead of being low on confidence with them like I usually am. All went well.

Tomorrow its DDs school play, and DD3's summer trip, followed by my cousins hen evening out. I wonder what my lovely H will be doing. An evening at home enjoying his empty lovely abode maybe?

I am turning back into who I was again.

Made me smile! Good for you Name! You sound like you've got a great social life, striking a good work/life balance. See how great life can be without someone constantly putting/pulling you down.

KOKO

[balloons]

You are sounding better and better, Name!

So long as you don't block contact it'll be fine. There is no onus on you to make the children want to see or speak to their dad. His relationship with them is his responsibility, so if he wants them to call him he needs to be the sort of dad that they want to call. As they don't ask, I presume he isn't the sort of dad they want to phone. Ohdearwhatapityhowsad. Or not.

Wishing you all a brilliant day

Thanks Random (and everyone!), we did have a brilliant weekend.

H called today and told the DDs he will be picking them up on either Friday or Saturday this week and they will stay with him for 2 weeks.

The 2 weeks bit was agreed, but the pick up was still under debate as I was begging him to let me have them for the weekend for their friends birthday party. He obviously decided he didn't care for my begging and is making them miss the party regardless.

The also causally mentioned that there is a possibility of him seeing them again in 3 weeks time once we are back from our hols, and also threw in a comment about seeing them in October half term.

We didn't speak (I prefer to do everything via text so I have written proof if needed).

I then cried to my sister about the total lack of control I feel I have over him/this situation again. He is picking them up regardless of the party, and is now planting the idea that he may or may not see them again for a few days over the hols, and again at half term.

It would be totally fine if this was discussed/arranged with me, but it now seems like he will get all holidays with them, and I shouldn't plan anything, ever? I feel like I did when we were living together. Everything is happening according to his needs, and nobody elses. Feel totally floored by him today.

I'm trying to scrape myself up off the floor, am saving text messages etc and am going to tell him the girls are available after the party. I will also give him a deadline for letting me know if he is having them later in the hols. And I will let him know that although we have plans on DD3s birthday he is welcome to take them for the day then as well. And breathe.

Oh, he won't want to take them if he's welcome to!

You have two options here.

Tell him he picks them up after the party. End of.
Forget about the party.

I will be telling him he picks them up after the party. End of.

I have told him via text. I am shaking. It's ridiculous.

I know the feeling.

It will get better. And it's necessary. But it shouldn't.

Well done. Now, you need to stick to what you've said, so if he just carries on barging his way around, trying to get his own way, taking control, saying he'll come earlier, make sure you're not even home. Best to start as you mean to go on. And you are putting the children first. So don't let him try to persuade you otherwise.

His needs/wants do not trump the children's. Tell him that if he wants to argue.

Ah well done. You won't believe me but you are doing well.

Well done. He playing with you he knows exactly when he going to pick your DD's up he just want to muck you around.

Yay me! The conversation went like this:

Me: The girls want to attend the party. They will be ready for you to pick up at 6pm from my mums. You haven't told me if you are having them later in the hols. I need an answer by Thursday or I will make plans. You can take all DDs on DD3 birthday but I need a weeks notice or I make plans

Him: No, this is my time, blah blah blah

Me: The girls want to go to party. They will be ready at X date and X time for you to pick up.

Him: Well then I suggest you pick them up and drop them to me afterwards (120 miles away at my old marital home!)

Me: No, I am not doing that. Let me know by end of day today if you are going to pick up at 6pm.

Him: I will be coming to friends house to pick up at 4pm.

Me: Party is not at friends house. They will be ready for you to pick up at 6pm.

Yay me again!