Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

He text me and asked to have the DDs this weekend, I said sorry we have plans already, they are free next Saturday but need to be back for a birthday party on Sunday. He grumbled and said he would like them over the summer.

I said fine, let's talk dates, these are the dates that we are busy. (Holiday, DD's hospital appt, family wedding, caravan trip). He grumbled again and said 'so when am I supposed to have them.' Didn't ask why his DD has a hospital appt?! And didn't come back with dates.

I am not rearranging our weekend or summer holiday plans for him.

I am not rearranging our weekend or summer holiday plans for him.

And stick to that.

Oh well done!

WELL DONE!

Now be prepared for "Name is trying to keep me from seeing my children"

Yes....not too sure how I should handle that one when it comes along!

I have been trying very hard to be reasonable with access but I can't live with his last minute plans and change of plans and neither can the children.

It's SO unsettling to constantly have weekend plans chop and change. I did it for 9 years, but no more.

My meeting in swish offices in London last week? It was to do with a pitch for a major new chunk of business for my client.

I found out today we won the work, so I should hopefully have gold stars around my name at work, and have hopefully secured contract work for me until summer next year.

Reminds me of many moons ago when we were first married and I suddenly got a promotion and a £10k pay rise.

I told h we were going out to dinner to celebrate and he was moody and sullen the whole evening long. Said the celebrations were over the top, and was I expecting a bottle of champagne or something - errrm, no, but a congratulations would have been nice!

So now I can congratulate myself instead. Feels better than hiding my achievement or telling it to someone who doesn't give a shit!

Well you could start by documenting it and keeping a paper trail of emails etc. When presented with the cold hard facts he can't claim you were the reason he didn't see his children.

If he really wanted to see them, he'd make arrangements and stick to them. When I go away on a solo holiday/weekend away, I miss my baby (14 years old) solo SO much I'm literally racing home.

I'm a child of divorce. It was a bitter divorce, but the one thing I'm 1000% sure of is that my daddy fought tooth and nail for contact (my mom wanted limited access, he'd been abusive) but he stuck to it, no chopping and changing and over the years I was able to see him almost every weekend and most weekdays. I used to call him first thing when I got home from school and in the early years my parents hated each other but that didn't stop my dad from driving to see me almost daily and we'd sit in his car talking because he wasn't allowed in my moms house.

My point is your ex is all talk, zero action! A father who wants to spend quality time with their children will move heaven and earth to do that he's just an entitled so and so!

Gosh, he didn't like you succeeding at anything, did he? Miserable git.

Oh, and, congratulations

When I go away on a solo holiday/weekend away, I miss my baby (14 years old) solo SO much I'm literally racing home

Yes! Me too! I race back to see them, pick them up from school and just to be with them. I love that feeling.

I used to call him first thing when I got home from school and in the early years my parents hated each other but that didn't stop my dad from driving to see me almost daily and we'd sit in his car talking because he wasn't allowed in my moms house.

Your dad sounds like a good dad Beyonce!

My eldest asked if we can just post daddy's father's day cards to him now - its been that long she has been waiting. His actions speak for themselves sadly and he will be his own worst enemy in this situation. I think their relationship will just fizzle out if he carries on like he is doing. My DDs still adore him and miss him though.

Gosh, he didn't like you succeeding at anything, did he? Miserable git.

No, he really, really did not! I couldn't be good at anything. It look 9 years to grind me down to nothing, put his amazing self before me all the time, and now I am slowly coming out of that. Even if his abuse was up and down in cycles, his miserableness was constant and consistent. God knows what he is doing that is making him so happy now.

Well, congratulations!

(and he was just jealous)

Also, my dad would do anything for any of us. And he does.

Isn't it nuts? Like praising someone takes away from his own accomplishments? Even praising children.

Funny thing is he was good looking, has parents who love him, a wife and children who loved him too, lots of money and a great lifestyle. If he had engaged with us, with his family and his life a bit more, we could have had a fabulous future together. No worries and lots of love, security, dreams and a great upbringing for the DDs. All of that is gone now.

I think it's finally hit DD2, as she has been playing up at school, and suddenly crying about missing dad and not wanting us to break up. She has been talking about her old school lots, and saying they will be doing her a leaving card soon. It's a bit odd considering we have been gone 6 months, but I think it must be the delayed reaction in children that I was told about when I left.

DD1 now seems to be a bit more accepting of the situation, but I guess it will take a long time still before they are ok.

Will give DD2 a nice weekend and some extra time together this weekend, hopefully that will help.

Also, my dad would do anything for any of us. And he does.

Great dad, Lweji.

I have one of those too, it makes ALL the difference.

Congrats NC! for your work succes, a bit belatedly.

I suppose you just have to tell the children that daddy's busy when he lets them down. To everyone else, well first it's not really their business, but you can always say that it's far more complicated than it seems/sounds and elaborate if you want. Better to close the subject with most people with a quick rote statement as then you can all move on immediately.

Hi, I am back again, another update. I know its all a bit same old, but its really useful for me to offload here and use this like another diary, and also have your input on the situation to help clarify my thoughts, so if you could please bear with me, I really do appreciate it.

I know I should not expect H to be perfect and should not nit-pick his every action, so this does help to keep me as balanced and fair as I think I can reasonably be expected to be.

Had (yet another) lovely weekend with the DDs. On Saturday we went to a local charity fun day, didn't know anyone else there but bumped into a few familiar faces, and generally ended up spending hours and hours playing and watching some of the stage activities. I gave them all a little purse with a few pounds in there, which they could spend on anything they liked, they loved the responsibility of going and buying themselves a drink or paying for facepainting themselves.

On Sunday we went to a local football tournament - DDs were not in a team, but my nephew, various cousins and various BILs were all playing, so there was lots of family there to support them, we had a picnic and spent the whole day there. It's great for the DDs - lots of great male influences who spend alot of time and effort on the girls - taking them for ice creams, playing ball etc. They are definitely becoming more and more familiar with my family and seeing themselves as part of a wider network which is great.

Today H asked if we could speak, I said ok, and called him (I know, I know...).

He wanted to go over a few things his and my dad talked about, nit-picking about numbers/dates etc, said my dad was either lying or making things up. I said the dads conversation is totally irrelevant, he can talk to me in person if he wants to, and I'm happy to correct my dad if wrong.

He wants me to acknowledge that him doing a new abusers course is the right thing. It's 32 weeks long, and although the course is cheap, the time off-work will cost him £10,000 in lost salary (!!) if he attended for one hour every week, as he has to take the full day off to attend because appts are only in working hours?!

I said I can't acknowledge this, I am working on fixing myself and he should do the same however he wants to. I don't want to fix the marriage and would like to go ahead with the divorce.

He asked why I am wasting money on a solicitor instead of talking and fixing things, and said he didn't receive divorce papers and why did the solicitor email them and not post them. Kept saying on and on that he should be posting important letters and not emailing them, and why have I gone to a solicitor.

If I am going to solicitors then his first concern is the kids, He wants me to come up with a proposal on where they will live, and go to school and wants full details and dates, and then send to him and he will see if he agrees. I laughed, and asked if he really wanted a legal document outlining when he can see his kids? No answer

He said I have booked up kids summer hols and not left him with any time with them - I have booked two weeks off work, and said there is a full two weeks he can have them at the beginning, plus a 5-day stint later. Didn't say he wanted the DDs then, no answer in fact, but said 'well fine, I am going to be looking for legal advice now'.

Namechanger he's suddenly realised he is no longer in control and able to bully or control you.

It's high time he got some legal advice. Then he can start paying maintenance and having formalised access to the DCs.

Stay strong

He wants me to acknowledge that him doing a new abusers course is the right thing. It's 32 weeks long, and although the course is cheap, the time off-work will cost him £10,000 in lost salary (!!) if he attended for one hour every week, as he has to take the full day off to attend hmm because appts are only in working hours?! Did you tell him you had contacted them and knew he had/has not agreed to do this and that you know full well the cost and length of this 'course'.

I would put in writing the dates he can have your DD's and if you do not hear from him in writing by XXXX date then you will put your DD's in to holiday club and then they will not be available.

I'd say to him It is now absolutely no concern of mine what courses you decide to do to try to improve yourself. Perhaps you need to start taking responsibility for your own decisions. My decision to appoint legal representation is my own choice and I am not interested in your opinions on either that fact or how you feel my lawyers should be conducting themselves. I have no intention of coming up with the proposal you suggest and will be putting all of this in the hands of my solicitors now FUCK OFF

Ok. He wants the DDs for two weeks over summer - fine. I said they have a bday party on Sunday and are free from the Monday.

He said all bday parties will have to come second place. I should have given him more time and I should have thought about whether the kids want more time with him or yet another bday party.

So if he is saying he will take them and not let them attend their friends bday party does that not count as not looking after their best interests?

Or am I being awkward in saying they are at a party and not free till Monday?

Fwiw, the party is for my best friends daughter. My DDs and hers are very close (only a few days apart in age), and we are holidaying with them later in the year. So they are not 'just' random school friends, but close life-long friends. He knows this.

Cannot think straight at all!

He's being awkward for the sake of it. I would be tempted to send a solicitor's letter setting out the time they are available and then let him do what he pleases around that.

Wrt the loss of earnings over doing the course - that may be quite helpful in calculating payments via the CMS. 10k loss for 1 day a week over 32 weeks is about 300 a day, so over 1500 a week, which is over 6000 a month, coming to 75K a year. Is that about how much he earns? Because the CMS would ensure that he pays quite a lot over the minimum in child support if that's the case. And as he gave you that figure he couldn't really argue with it, could he (well, he would, but...). I would confirm it all in an email to him, and see what he says in response.

10k loss for 1 day a week over 32 weeks is about 300 a day, so over 1500 a week, which is over 6000 a month, coming to 75K a year.

Yes, that is about right in terms of earnings.

But he is messing me about with the party. Says it's not fair on him if he misses 3 more days with them (no, would only miss 2!), so he his digging his heels in despite me taking the DDs to his sisters daughters bday when I saw him last.

But it's all about him and when he sees the kids. If he continues to resist this I will push back.

The worry is that if he is getting legal advice, he will start some dirty tricks etc to get one up on me. He just gets angry and can't see reason - when I went to see my first SHL they suggested all sorts of dirty tactics - report him for tax evasion, empty out our joint account and overdraw it to the maximum amount, etc. So I hope it doesn't get to that stage.

The children is always the most confusing but for me. I took them 150 miles away from him, he didn't agree to it, and so I feel like I need to facilitate access to them as much as possible.

Says it's not fair on him if he misses 3 more days with them He is forgetting it's not actually about what's fair on him, it's about what is best and fair to his children.

He wasn't fair on his children either, when he was violent to their mother and caused the present situation.

Think of what's fair and right for the children. Not him.

Sorry, that last bit doesn't read right. I know you are thinking all the time about what is best for your children. I should have said keep focused on what is right for dcs not how things are now for him.

Broken record technique. They are not available on x date, they have a pre-arranged event. They will be available on y date. I appreciate that it would suit you to have them on x date but they are not available until y date. No arguments, just the same statement repeated in similar words until he gets tired or the phone battery runs out.

This is, of course, why you do need a SHL in your corner. The last one sounds more like a mere SL!

Remember why you had to take the children 150 miles away from him?

Don't feel guilty at all.

He should be grovelling.