Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

It sounds as though he was putting you down because you look pretty good. He felt insecure so tried to make you feel worse about yourself.

You need to get his voice out of your head.

I agree with mt - you start to feel good and happy and successful, he spots it and puts you down. Twat.

Not a great culture to bring up 3 daughters with an abusive dad.

Feminism is your friend. I wish I'd been brought up by feminist parents.

Namechanger I love reading your updates. You sound fabulous, your strength is shining through! And sadly he sounds more and more deluded, I hope you get things moving soon re: divorce, and formalising finances and contact. Keep up the good work.

PS I can relate to everything you've said about the snarky comments about weight/age/etc...these men always seem to judge women totally on their looks! And never in a good way, it infurtiates me. I'm glad that you can see youreself clearly now that you're away from it.

I didn't see my DDs at bedtime yesterday because I was still at work, and again I had left by 5am today and so my dad did the whole lot for me - pick up, feed, get them to bed, wake them, showers, breakfast and dropped them all to school/nursery for me. He rocks. He is most definitely a feminist dad.

Thanks for the good wishes.

H has not been in touch since his dad visited yesterday, and in fact no weekly call from him to the children this morning either. Which is funny as his dad said H is so concerned about the children and losing contact with them.

Ah well. I have worked like a maniac this month and billed a lot of money. Tomorrow I am meeting my best friend for dinner.
And I have just received a bag of mysterious neon items I must wear for my cousin's hen drinks.
On Saturday I meet an old, old friend for dinner - I haven't seen her since I left, she sent me a message out of the blue.

Divorce seems to be on soon slow as H still has not acknowledged papers, etc, but I am working on getting us to court. I thought the visit from FIL might give me the wobbles, but as H couldn't be arsed to grace us with his presence and send his poor dad instead, it's just reaffirmed things for me, again.

Onwards and upwards hopefully.

So sweet gentle FIL didn't think his son beating you up in front of your children was that much of a deal? Culture's a funny thing innit.

PS I can relate to everything you've said about the snarky comments about weight/age/etc...these men always seem to judge women totally on their looks! And never in a good way, it infurtiates me. I'm glad that you can see youreself clearly now that you're away from it.

Yes - they seem to judge on looks, or cooking ability!

I have some amazing women friends, we are all successful in lots of different things. But to him and to men like him we are all supposed to be pretty-looking cooks and ego boosters I suppose.

So sweet gentle FIL didn't think his son beating you up in front of your children was that much of a deal?

Yes, he glossed over that bit, and concentrated on the 'you are taking his kids away from him' bit instead.

Culture's a funny thing innit.

I don't think that the beating was a cultural thing btw, perhaps more indicative of his family's way of thinking.

Nobody in my family would ever, ever condone that.

So I called the DV course he is supposed to be doing. He is not doing it. He said he was about to start it, but that's a lie.

He said it's very long commitment and costly - it's 10 weeks of 1 on 1 counselling for £365. He earns around £70K.

He will never, ever stop lying or exaggerating. It's so easy for me to find out the truth, I have no idea why he does it. He must think I am so stupid.

How's the house-hunting going?

It's not at the moment - I looked at a few places online but everything is out of my budget at the moment. I spoke with SHL today about getting things moving quicker.

Very unconfident about moving out at the moment, would rather do it when I have some money behind me.

am not surprised he lied about the course. he doesnt think there is anything wrong with him so why would he do it. i believe, like an alcoholic, these men have to realise their awful behaviour before they can
get help. even with the help there is no guarantees counselling will work. you are sounding stronger and stronger, you are an inspiration.

No surprise, really, I'm afraid There are no indications that he has any intention of doing anything or even contemplating that he could possibly be wrong.

Can you do anything to speed up the divorce? You need to get some finances sorted - he should be paying towards the children.

Can you do anything to speed up the divorce? You need to get some finances sorted - he should be paying towards the children.

I'm trying to gather paperwork etc and fill in forms ahead of schedule so I can minimise any hanging around. But it's all very slow and cumbersome.

I was being kind of sarcastic about the culture...! IME people take from religion/custom what they want to.

Sorry, that might have sounded rude, let me clarify. People will take from their religion or local custom what suits their personality. People who are kindly and decent, as you describe your family, will learn kindly and decent lessons from their surroundings. People who are not will use all sorts of things that should be good - belief in a benevolent deity, good manners, love of country etc - as an excuse to do ill.

Annie sorry! I totally misunderstood you there!

I see what you are saying - and yes I agree! H's family are very anti-anything they don't know - not keen on people of a different race or colour and see them as 'different'.

In fact my H used to take the mick out of my heritage too - the country that my dad grew up in (even though he was not born there), saying that my skin colouring meant I was a mix of races, etc. All in good fun of course.

Today he called the DDs as he was in the car. DD1 explained that she had lost a tooth. H asked her if she looked funny now, and were people laughing at her. She sounded v puzzled, and said no, why would they? I was so pleased to hear that response from her instead of being worried about what people will think of her looking funny.

DD2 cried and said she wants us to stay together and doesn't like it that mummy and daddy are breaking up. Poor baby. I couldn't say anything that would help really. She was ok once she got home and had an ice-cream.

Ice cream cures much! DD1 sounds brilliant, that's a great reaction. One would hope it would shame ex a bit, but sadly I don't see that happening.

H asked her if she looked funny now, and were people laughing at her

......OK that's it, the man is just MAD! Who says that to a child? First thing I'd want to as is, "are you excited about the tooth fairy?" or something to that effect! He really needs to engage brain, THEN talk.

It's like he lacks empathy/people skills/common sense?!?!

No, don't worry, I didn't make it clear first off.

XH used to say I must be Jewish because I had a big nose. Well, as far as I know I have no Jewish ancestry, and wouldn't have any problem with it if I did, but in any case I have quite a dinky little nose by pretty much anyone's standards; so him trying to make a non-insult out of a non-fact was just weird. One of many, many reasons why he is an ex (the racism even made it into the divorce petition).

Bless your DD, but what an awful thing to try to do to a child.

It's a weird and horrible thing to say, I'm glad DD was confused by it instead of letting it upset her.

I remember him once telling her she was a crybaby, just like her mum.

At home she didn't like singing infront of H even though she has a lovely voice.

Am hoping I am saving her some confidence in the long run.

Am hoping I am saving her some confidence in the long run.

From what you've posted about him I think you are right!

Reason number 6million and 898655 to never go back. The lying about therapy, well that tells you everything you need to know. I think you can safely assume he will never change and you just need to plough on with divorcing him and protecting your babies from him as much as you can. Positive reinforcement etc.

It is the sort of thing which could be said by certain members of my family. It would be said with enormous affection though and would be dependent upon the child's personality and confidence and SOH. At the very bottom of it would be some sort of Catholic thing about vanity probably, and if a child was thought to be too vain then it wouldn't be said (as that's not the best way to tackle it). My family are the type who might talk about chucking a child into a bed of stinging nettles to toughen up a perceived 'cry-baby', but wouldn't actually do it. They are not actually cruel, but are fairly strict.

In your ex's case, though, taken together with his general attitude, I don't think you can really give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Just back from this mornings Freedom Programme session. For anyone reading this who might be looking for some outside strength or support, I would highly recommend it.

I read the book 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven, but going on the course is about a million times more empowering for me.

Today we looked at the tactics of the Liar. I didn't stop nodding throughout. I thought he was 'just' a King of the Castle, but he is also a Headworker, a Liar and a BadFather. He is just too far gone in his shitty behaviour really.