Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

I am so happy that your happy :)
I think it's a real step forward when you don't reply to messages and let him stew over things......don't be at his beck and call.

Wow! I am jealous of your life! It sounds truly good, lively, busy, varied energising and loving. That's a good life, that is, and you deserve all of it.

They do say the best revenge is a life lived well, and you are. And you are showing your dds how to, too.

NC, you are a lovely person, with a lovely family (I really like the sound of your stern scary cousin who isn't stern and scary at all really, I have a cousin like that but she lives in NZ).

Glad you and DD are having a great weekend.

As for this:
he would like to chat about the new abusers course he has signed up to - what do I think of the course, and have I looked at the website.

There can only be one answer.
In the great words of Clark Gable/Rhett Buttler:

I am so weirdly happy to read your latest posts. I am so happy for you. You are amazing!

Another couple of messages today.

'Can we please talk about the course. What are your thoughts'

and then

'The course is quite costly and requires me taking time off work. I would like to do it but before I do I would like you to acknowledge that this is the right one to do based on our last discussion'

I didn't reply.

The last discussion we had was him telling me he cba to sort out his car and see his children this weekend.

We discussed him doing course about a million years ago, the same conversation in which he said he won't sell the house, and I told him the marriage is over and I definitely want out (again).

So he is blindly continuing. He must be panicking now that the solicitors deadline for a reply (tomorrow) is fast approaching.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow. I won't really care as I have a mega busy day at work tomorrow, meeting some lovely clients. Hair is dyed and greys are covered and I am looking less old fabulous.

LOL at least you can "enjoy" his craziness from a distance these days...

Ah, there he is trying to make you responsible for everything again. Yawn. He is soooo dull and predictable, isn't he?

Glad you've got a busy day tomorrow. I don't know much about blocking people on phones, but if you do a temporary one, you could block him from bothering you tomorrow. Or for the week.

well done you! its so important to tell rl people about the abuse. their reaction helps you to face reality i think.

Ah, there he is trying to make you responsible for everything again. Yawn. He is soooo dull and predictable, isn't he?

Yes! It's like if I say this is the right one to do, then I can't possibly divorce him. He can't even hide the fact he is doing the course for me, and not because it's the right one to do to address his behaviour.

I don't really care about costly and having to take time off work. He has the convenience of going to work a full day and coming home as he likes, spending his cash on himself whilst I juggle work, 3 children, and raise them all single-handedly. I'll show him fucking sacrifices.

its so important to tell rl people about the abuse. their reaction helps you to face reality i think.

Yes - I think this is what telling scary cousin did for me. She really doesn't take any shit, and would just say it as it is. The visible shock and horror on the face validated a lot of things for me.

I keep thinking about the fact that I begged him to listen to me and understand where I was coming from for years.

He chose quite deliberately not to. And now the shoe is on the other foot.

.......I just LOL at his messages! Pathetic!

I'll show him fucking sacrifices.

That's my girl!

actually as I was reading those, I could almost hear the violins!

KOKO Name

H called my dad today. Said H's dad will be passing and wanted to meet with my dad. It was in the daytime, so I was at work. I did tell dad not to meet but he wants to encourage H to sign or at least acknowledge divorce papers.

They met, H's dad asked how they can fix this, and what H can do to make this work. Dad refused to give him a list, but did say he has been getting progressively worse in his behaviour and not better.

They discussed some of H's behaviour, and H's dad pretty much agreed that H has been unreasonable.

So no changes really. I don't have any feelings about it one way or the other - H has not contacted me to discuss, and I'm not impressed that he is hiding behind his dad.

All a bit weird and probably a bit degrading for his parents to come to mine and have to beg for us to give their son another chance.

DDs were in the house from what I can gather, and they spoke to H's dad and were excited about spending 4 weeks summer hols with H, as H has promised them this without discussing with me. H will not be having them for 4 weeks over summer, as he has not even mentioned this to me, and we have plans.

Not feeling too bad though, just indifferent really. Far too busy with work to get upset today or think too much.

Make sure he can't actually just take them for 4 weeks.

when the abuser feels his victim slipping away, he brings in the reinforcements. this includes friends and family. so your ex is following the script. it sounds a very civilised chat between the dads. did your fil really think his son had just had a tiff with you? ive gotta laugh at your ex looking after his kids for four weeks. still a deluded man isnt he?

What does he think your dad would be able to do if he were to persuade him you were being unreasonable in leaving? Order you not to divorce? Delighted to hear it apparently backfired anyway.

Make sure he can't actually just take them for 4 weeks.

there is no way, we have two breaks abroad that I have booked, and various hospital appointments and weddings in between. He is being an idiot in telling them they can come for 4 weeks without clearing this with me first. They will be disappointed and think I am keeping them away from their dad.

My dad explained this to FIL, but thinks FIL didn't really see the problem with this.

when the abuser feels his victim slipping away, he brings in the reinforcements. this includes friends and family. so your ex is following the script.

I really did not think my husband was a typical abuser in any way, shape or form. I didn't truly believe anyone telling me his actions would follow a pattern similar to other abusers. But he did. Amazing and shocking.

It sounds a very civilised chat between the dads. did your fil really think his son had just had a tiff with you?

I think FIL knows H has made some serious errors, but he really believes I should be giving him a second chance. But the fact is it's been 6 months and FIL didn't get involved, and H didn't do anything proactive to improve the situation. So this conversation is happening 6 months too late as far as I am concerned.

I've gotta laugh at your ex looking after his kids for four weeks. Still a deluded man isnt he?

Yes, god knows what he is thinking. I imagine he will be looking at drafting his parents in to help, which I am sure they will do. He will let the children down when it comes to the crunch and not actually be able to bring himself to forgo a months salary for the children.

What does he think your dad would be able to do if he were to persuade him you were being unreasonable in leaving? Order you not to divorce?

Yes, it was nuts! Going above my head, in the hope that the dads could persuade the silly little child to stay married.

I know FIL, he was lovely if a little clueless. He has zero authority over H, so I really don't know what he was hoping to achieve.

Lovely of H though, to send his dad over to fight his battles, and not even join him or face us in person to discuss this himself.

My dad explained this to FIL, but thinks FIL didn't really see the problem with this.

The role of male relatives in this has always been a little bit odd to me. I'm sure I've asked this before, but is it a cultural norm?

I wouldn't take responsibility for disappointing your children. (Fuck it, I'd be tempted to not confront it, wait until he cancels and let them know).

Yes, it is a bit of a cultural norm, the male is usually the head of the family. It is outdated but it works well for me as I have a super dad, and when my word is not good enough in this scenario, then I can always deflect the last word back onto my dad, which he happily does for me.

But he does always do this with my agreement, and after a conversation about what he should be saying/doing.

Not a great culture to bring up 3 daughters with an abusive dad.

I wouldn't take responsibility for disappointing your children. (Fuck it, I'd be tempted to not confront it, wait until he cancels and let them know)

Yes, this is what I will be doing. He won't be able to commit to his summertime plans, so I am going to let him unravel all by himself.

Last week my cousin dyed my hair for me and said that H once complained to her that I don't take care of myself. Found this quite hurtful as I was a full-time working mum of three who did everything for him, and never had a break. When the fuck was I supposed to be off having facials?

I did try to stay fit, I had 3 children, lost 2-3 stones after each, and never once had he commented on this, whereas when his yo-yo friend lost weight he was raving about him.

I lost the weight doing weight watchers each time, and I found this really worked for me. He said I should be exercising and not just dieting.

I used to go swimming - I once beat him in a swimming race when 7 months pregnant and I went running - I did the couch to 5K and went from a non-runner to doing 30 min runs. He said I must be running really slowly, and sneered if I came back from a run all hot and sweaty, and would say how fat my bum looked in sports leggings, etc. Wold watch half-marathon runners etc and take the mick saying I wanted to be as fit as them.

If we stopped at traffic lights he would look at me and point out hairs or spots on my face, or stare at me and tell me I was looking old, whereas his friends couldn't believe he was 40 and thought he was closer to 30.

When I had my hair cut for my birthday party, he said he didn't like it before, and didn't like it afterwards either.

But I went to work meeting today, and realised I actually look ok. I was in a trendy London office, with lots of young fashionista girls, and I didn't look out of place. I am older, but I am not frumpy or mums or whatever it was I thought I would be.

My hair looked great post-dye, I have put on loads some weight from socialising a lot, but I will sort that when I have a bit more focus. But generally I looked ok, and people might even think I am attractive or I look nice. Oh, and I smile. Alot.