Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Because his 'happy life' is still happy isn't it? No maintenance, living in the house, seeing the children when he wishes and you still bending to his will.
Start making some positive changes for the sake of the children eg contribution by other parent, proper controlled access and a new home and see how 'happy' he is and willing to change.
You really need to do this. The cms will deal with him.

You've given him everything he wants.

He has a nice house (which he knows you love) which he doesn't have to share, he can do what he likes with it.

He can see his children when he feels like it and not bother with them the rest of the time.

He can still guilt trip you so he still has power.

He doesn't have to pay for you, not food, or shelter, warmth or water. Nor does he have to pay towards his children.

All the fun. None of the responsibility.

Stop engaging, as everyone has said.
Go to CMS now.

Thanks all, I am looking at starting court proceedings against him shortly, so I will also start looking at cms as well.

He has just let us down again - he was supposed to have DDs this weekend but said yesterday that he can't because his car is not fixed. So yet again, 3 weekends at least between seeing them, and this time missing the weekend before and after dd2's birthday. I know I sound very naive but I am shocked that he cares so little about seeing them.

I have plans with DDs next weekend on Saturday, I am going to stick to these and he will have to work around them if he wants to see the DDs.

I keep telling them daddy is busy, or he is working, or making excuses for him to the DDs. I don't want to tell them or plant the suggestion that he can't be arsed to make the effort. But it's very sad to see them miss their dad.

I feel like he has crossed a line (yet another one) by not coming on the weekend before or after DDs birthday, it's the first of our DC birthdays since I left. It helps me to see more of who he is, and gives me the impetus to start things moving again. But sad.

Maybe you should try reverse psychology start thanking him for missing contact.

I knew a guy who drove from his home in scotland to london every friday nite to pick up his kids, drive them to scotland, spend one night with them and on the sunday drive them back to london then he drove himself home crying because he missed them. if he didnt have a car he would hire one. your ex is a swine and i like that youre getting the measure of him.

Abusive husbands very rarely make good parents. His lack of care for the children was obvious before in the way he treated you in front of them, and it is typical of these men.
I'm glad you are starting to realise what type of person he really is.

He used to drive 4 hours every weekend to refurbish his rental property leaving me at home with our 1 and 2yo DDs. This was every weekend for a year. I assume it's suddenly too difficult now.

He works in the car trade. He claims he has lots of friends (but couldn't see them because he knew I wouldn't like them?!)! I assume none them can lend him their car.

His sister lives 20min away and also has 3dc so her car would be suitable; I am assuming she cannot lend hers either.

His BIL owns a garage and has a stream of cars on his driveway very time we go over. I assume he can't lend H a car either.

H has his £45k 2-seater sports car which he could drive down and swap with my family car. I assume that's too much effort and gives me control of sports car.

He could take the train, like he did in secret when he went to pick up his precious sports car from the dealership. I assume kids are less precious than his new car.

He could simply drive over and spend time in the day with them without a car. Take them out for DDs birthday and Father's Day. I assume that's just too difficult for him.

He has plenty of options. He has chosen to sit at home alone rather than she his children. Again.

It's all about choices. Your DC will also make theirs.

One day he'll reap what he is sowing right now, though it doesn't afford anyone any comfort to know that the man who is the father of one's children doesn't really give a toss.

At least if he only sees them every 3 weeks, they won't be exposed to his horridness as often. If this turns out to be the status quo longterm, then it's what the Courts are likely to award too.

Keep careful and full notes, NC.

I never really saw his actions as choices. More as unfortunate circumstances - oh dear he is tired/not well/working.

I'm only just beginning to see that they are choices.

I find it hard that DDs clearly adore him and miss him. They asked me what we are doing this weekend and next and didn't even mention or ask about the possibility of seeing dad.

Should I tell them he hasn't come because his car is not fixed? They will of course say why can't he borrow a car.

Is that unfair or mean of me?

Just keep telling them the truth.
They trust you, you are their rock. Make sure it stays that way.
They deserve to know the truth as much as possible.
They can reach their own conclusions about the car, or accept them. Up to them.

I think you tell them the truth, obviously not with any accusation.

"Daddy says his car isn't fixed"

"Why can't he borrow one?"

"I don't know darling."

Or may staple: I don't know, you should ask him.

Yes, we all get tired.
Yes, we all feel unwell from time to time.

When the children are small, you just have to get on with it though, don't you?

Having children isn't a game. You know that, you live that. He hasn't grasped it yet, and probably won't.

Oh, Name, how did I miss you were back!

i am sorry he is acting oretty much as any of us expected. There is always the hope that twats will not act twatty. But, they always do.

my policy was to avoid ever saying bad things about X in front of DDs. I didnt offer any more information than they asked for, phrasing like Lweji and Random gave. and let them form their own opinion. They went NC with him as young adults, smart women that they are.

You talk about SHL, so, not Rottie then?

Yes I agree totally, it is not a game or something to ditch when it becomes hard or boring.

His car broke down on May 26th. So it's been nearly a month and he has not made alternative arrangements for seeing his children.

When we lived together he would go out for drinks and get back 3/4am and then stay in bed till 2/3/4pm. Not be able to eat all day.

But would insist it was not a hangover, but that beers react funny with his tummy. When why the f--- drink them?

I didn't grow up in a house like this and found it totally unacceptable. But he continued for years.

Not all the time but once a month he would do this. I began to secretly like it because it gave me a 'free' day to relax at home with DDs until he woke up.

I remember the sense of disappointment when I heard the shower and knew he would be coming downstairs soon.

Children say daddy's favourite hobbies are sleeping and watching TV.

They will make up their own minds over time I guess.

Name I've followed your thread for a while. The hurt you feel for your dc is obvious, and I think this hurts more than anything an ex has ever done.

But remember this, if he had been the kind of father you wanted for them you'd probably still be together. You can't make him into the kind of dad you want. Heist what he is. That's his responsibility. You can ink soften the blow to them

I know it sounds obvious - but please keep a diary. Missed contact etc in case he takes you to court for blocking contact.

Well H called today to speak to the DDs. This was VERY unexpected, as he only calls on one day a week - every Tuesday, 8.30am and that's it.

I realised he called because his dad - my lovely FIL - has gone to stay for a bit and so he must have wanted to speak to DDs. FIL lives an hour from me and would have had to pass very close by mine to go see H.

So it transpires that two grown men, both drivers, could not between them find a way to see the DDs, the week of dd2s birthday. They should both be ashamed of themselves.

H later text me and said he would like to chat about the new abusers course he has signed up to - what do I think of the course, and have I looked at the website.

A few months ago I thought that was the answer and would have been overjoyed at him doing the course. Now I know its a tactical move rather than a genuine one, I couldn't care less that he is doing it. If he completes it and embraces it then good luck to him in his next relationship.

I have been keeping a diary for the past 2 months, and also keeping phone messages. Hoping that actually means something in court?

I hope you text back and said that you have no reason to chat with him about anything other than him arranging to see the dds.

What a prick.

I just didn't text back at all. I chose not to, and I am not scared about what he will say or think of me not replying to his messages. A few months back I felt obligated to reply to were message he sent me.

So since he is (apparently) not receiving my inconvenient divorce emails, I am not receiving any messages that I am not interested in either. If he wants to pick and choose his communication with me I can do the same.

When he assaulted me his dad said everyone makes mistakes and he deserves another chance. FIL will keep him in line and will protect me.

Now they are both sat on their arses drinking tea in an empty house and ignoring my children. How fucking dare they.

So glad I didn't take FIL up on his offer of protecting me if his son beat me again.

You've come a long way Name, KOKO

Had a fabulous day today. Family were all busy with things, but so was I!

I joined the pta at DDs school - ex had an issue with me doing this as I should have been earning or cleaning. So I joined up as soon as I left at DDs new school and we just held our summer fair. So I was busy in the run up and then there are lots of congrats texts being sent in the post-event glow. It went well and it was an event independent of my family which I need to do more of. They are of course lovely as attended the event with kids but I was left to get on with my role.

Today DD3 was invited to a birthday party from her nursery - another independent event which was lovely and went v well.

Then I popped into a distant relatives house to drop off something and they invited me/us to stay for dinner. I would have said no to be polite but we had no plans and we stayed all afternoon. DC all played and we all had a great natter.

My lovely cousin (another one!) was there. She is only a few months apart in age and we have always been great friends. Her personality can be quite stern/scary to others. She is strong and doesn't take any shit from anyone. We chatted and I told her what was going on in my marriage, and she was in tears. She told me I have no choice and cannot love that way.

She was ace. For some reason it just made me feel very strong. A beautiful day with my family and friends in my new life.

Whilst H is sitting in his spotless empty house watching life tick by.

Tomorrow my cousin is doing breakfast and dying my hair for me. Afternoon we have a pub lunch and park trip with my uncle and aunt.

Life is ace without him