Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Hi there Beyonce and Jux

Its lovely to hear from you both, I hope you are both well.

I am doing ok, trying to get on with things and wobbling along.

H has still not acknowleged the papers arriving, and is insisting on pretending it's not happening. He didn't take the DDs to the big family last week because he wanted me there, and he knew I would not bring the DDs so he decided to go alone instead. so my fault he didn't take the DDs to his family wedding then?!

This weekend I am driving back to our old city and staying the weekend, as DD2 has a party invite for her best friend at her old school. I asked H to take them for the weekend, he asked if I could drop them to him and he will drop them back. It's a 1.5h drive, so I decided to take the bull by the horns and drive up, stay with friends, let DD2 go to party, and arranged a playdate for DD1 with her best friend.

H is now disappointed that he will hardly see them. The last time he called the children was over a week ago. Tuesday last week. Yet he would like to grumble about them having one play date each.

One of the things I mentioned is that he would go to lots of charity ball type events with his friend (who would have free tickets because of work), but it never occurred to him to pay for a ticket and take me along as well. I usually found out the day of the event that he was going.

I was trying to explain really that he was not seeing us as a couple and me and a wife/partner/equal, but really quite happy to ditch me if a better opportunity came along iyswim.

Today he text me and said there is a charity ball this weekend and would I like to come?! Never before done this and invited me, and of course it's made me wobble because it would be lovely to go.

But he has DDs this weekend staying with him so I assume he is thinking he and I would go out and he would get a babysitter for the DDs?! Who knows.

My last weekend was great. I had no plans, yet they somehow evolved into a lovely weekend. I invited DDs school friend to play, and they decorated cakes.
Then by brother invited us over for Chinese takeaway, which kids have never had before but loved

The on Sunday my best friends parents invited DDs and me to their house for a garden breakfast. BF's children are the same age as mine, we took out water play toys for them whilst we had tea and a good natter. Loved it.

Then I left and took them to a children's farm. I was supposed to meet someone else there but they couldn't make it so I went anyway. It was fab, they feed animals for hours. It was a beautiful sunny day and DDs loved it, as did I.

I didn't do any of these things to spite H, but it did feel so much easier to do without dragging a reluctant H behind me

It all reminded me that:

• H is not keen on socialising with school friends, as they are irrelevant compared to family apparently.
• He doesn't like cake-making as it's a waste of time and makes a mess.
• He doesn't like seeing my BF as she and her h bicker too much for him.

His constant criticising and negative nature are very wearing.

He would have loved the farm, he was great on days out, happy, jolly, interactive with the DDs.

So it's all ups and downs at the moment. I am hoping weekend back in our old city is a good positive one and not too difficult. DDs are so excited about their play dates.

I've been wondering how you were too. It sounds like you are doing well, overall

Thanks . It's really nice to know I have you guys supporting me.

His control over the divorce is very stressful - his insistence that this is not over, and constantly inviting out does play on my mind alot. It really makes me think of what we could have, moving forward.

But as my counsellor reminded me, nothing has fundamentally changed. He has not had to challenge his beliefs in any way. He just has to be nice until he persuades me to come back. The loveliness would then last a while, a few weeks or even months I am sure. But it can't be long-lasting as his fundamental beliefs and desires have not changed.

In the meantime I am finally starting to feel like I am living my life again. Even though it's difficult, it is sad, and I don't want it to be happening, it is also quite nice at the same time.

Hi! Your counsellor is spot on, isn't she? Glad you've got a good one.

Don't worry about his attitude towards the divorce. You know he's got the papers, he knows he's got the papers. Damn it, everyone knows he's got the papers. He's constructed a little fantasy which is the best he can do to wrong foot you at the moment (that, and mess about the dcs over contact). Ignore it. He'll have to do whatever he's told in the end. He's not the first controlling twat who thinks he's more important than the law. He's not the first who finds out he's wrong. Not worth your attention.

Your weekend sounds like it was really good fun, overall. Enjoy the coming one too

I still can't help feeling sad, if he had suggested I come with him to events before at any point in the last 9 years things could have been so nice.

As it was we would either go out as a two-some if I organised something, or to family events. He wouldn't come out with my friends (they are 'not his kind of people') and he would not invite me out with his friends.

I would love to think this is him changing and trying really hard, and to be fair I think he is. But he won't agree to the abuser counselling off his own back, he has resisted it for months and says he will do it if I want him to. It's not going to 'fix' him, so it's no good going at all with that attitude.

His version of fixing things is by doing the easy things - asking me to come out to events with him - its not even scratching the surface really.

So why is it so hard and sad to accept? I must admit it's definitely getting easier with time, but I do feel sad that the day will come when my marriage and formal relationship with him is over. I will miss him.

Glad to know you are doing well. :)

His attempts at controlling the situation are definitely a case of too little too late. Not sure he actually thinks he can change your mind, but it may be that in his mind he has done everything he could possibly do, and it's you, not him that is the problem.

Keep going. Your counsellor indeed seems on the spot. Great resource.

Not sure he actually thinks he can change your mind, but it may be that in his mind he has done everything he could possibly do, and it's you, not him that is the problem.

Lweji I think that is exactly what he is doing, and so again I feel guilty I am not giving him another chance. He asked me to go to the ball, I said no I have plans, and you have the children on Sat night, and he just replied with 'ok, no problem, I thought I would ask anyway'

So maybe he is just asking so he can tick that box and say he tried, and I said no, just like he offered to go to marriage counselling and I said no (which is true as I asked him to go on the abusers course first).

Wqhatever he is doing it still feels very manipulative. He is not respecting my wishes or letting me go so easily, but at the same time is really not addressing his horrible behaviour over the years.

No wonder I was so confused when we were together, and really couldn't understand why I wasn't happy in our marriage when we seemingly had it all.

He is so trying to hook you back in isn't he.

Def. sounds like a tick list. "I did everything she ever asked of me yet she's trying to say I'm abusive M'Lord"

Yes, he is trying to say he did all he could, and heartless me left him anyway.

It's very annoying as somewhere deep down he clearly knows what the niceties of a relationship are. He just chose not to do them when we were married.

Do you think it's about appearances, he doesn't want to lose face by being divorced?

RandomMess this would be his second divorce.

And we are both from a society/culture where divorce is still quite frowned upon. So yes, this could also be a factor.

In fact I do feel sorry for him/embarrassed for him being divorced twice, but he made my life so sad I really can't stay for that reason.

You sound so positive and strong. Things are obviously moving in the right direction for you all which is good.

Your Counsellor is spot on, and I think it helps to get another unbiased view i.e. not from Mumsnet even though I think we are all very unbiased in the advice we give.

I'm happy that you are just keeping the show on the road and enjoying life. You "sound" more relaxed.

Maybe it's time to be a bit more forthright when he comes out with these ridiculous invitations?
Him: Would you like to come to a charity ball on Saturday
You: No. I don't want to spend time with you, because we are no longer a couple.

(So happy to hear from you - have been thinking about you a lot and hoping all was well).

Maybe it's time to be a bit more forthright when he comes out with these ridiculous invitations?
Him: Would you like to come to a charity ball on Saturday?
You: No. I don't want to spend time with you, because we are no longer a couple.

I did say this, nearly word for word when he tried to invite himself to my cousin's wedding. But he ignored it and continues. Every time I have to tell him again that we are not staying together feels like another confrontation so I am just ignoring his bulldozing ways for now.

The SHL can deal with the legalities of us splitting up. I am staying civil and would like to be somewhat friendly because it would be the best thing for the children, so I will continue as I am. He can take that any way he wants.

Another memory came to me today whilst hanging the clothes out on the line.

Apparently I did too much laundry. I changed the DDs school tights every day, which was causing unnecessary work for me and increasing laundry I argued that tights are like pants and socks all in one and therefore have to be changed daily. There were 5 of us in the house ffs, of course there was lots of laundry.

I also didn't wash the bedsheets enough, and I didn't have a system for washing towels, so they were not washed regularly enough. And me putting on the wash before the school run was annoying to him as I was running around like a headless chicken before school for no reason.

From the man who never did the laundry.

I'm looking forward to catching up with friends in my old city this weekend. Hoping not to see too much of H. Realised that I don't miss or want to go back and see him, it's definitely seeing my friends that I am thinking about!

At some point I just stopped responding to whatever exH said, unless it actually required an answer (usually to do with DS).

Him: Do you want to come to the wedding?
You:

But this only works via text or email.

Lweji I have been doing that one as well!

H: It's a really lovely sunny day here, what about there? What are you guys up to?
Me:

It's a big step to have the confidence to do that, although it does feel a little bit mean.

Talking to him is so confusing, and always takes me back to thinking we are so close to being perfect. If only he could do x, y or z then we could be happy.

That's what he wants. To engage you and draw you back.

By refusing to engage, you are freeing yourself.

I just know something is going to happen this weekend to upset me, esp as it will be the first time I am seeing my house since I left in Jan. I am not looking forward to seeing it and the feelings that will come with it, esp as I really loved the house, and am not enjoying living with my parents so much.

I will have to steel myself to be strong this weekend - between seeing and being in the house and listening to H pleading for me to try again I am in for some serious guilt-tripping I can imagine.

I remember asking him a few years ago why he spoke to me in the tone of voice that he does, and he doesn't do that to anyone else, and he should stop. He didn't respond and didn't change his ways either.

Same with me begging him to let me know when he goes out, and explaining its not the going out that bothers me, it's just the fact of coming and going and making plans without the simple courtesy of letting me know until the last minute. Again he chose not to listen and he carried on doing it anyway.

He can't say I didn't try/give him chances earlier, I gave him so many.

hi name you seem to be doing really well. its great that you dont want him. i know that feeling. sometimes you miss having someone but thats due to habit. i still shudder at how my ex made me feel. your ex is playing every card but he is a fake! have a fab weekend x

You gave him plenty of 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc etc chances and each time he reset to default settings!

The laundry/tights story, he could HELPED you by being actively involved instead of criticising.

On the topic of laundry, I buy 6-8 pairs of socks and shirts so that I need to only do laundry once a week of 4 loads (darks, lights, bed linen and whites). I've got friends who seem to be doing laundry everyday/2nd day and personally that would drive me insane. Can you not purchase 5-6 tights each for the girls so they have one for every day of the week?