Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Have a good weekend, NC.

Why is he still occupying the house, when you and all your children are staying at your parents'? Shouldn't it be the other way round?

myrightfoot thank you! I need to see some more of him being fake I think. I am getting there!

beyonce I did have lots of tights etc for them - even shirts and skirts to last the week. His issue was with the volume of washing and amount of water wasted etc and not to do with me being busy with a wash every day. It makes no sense I suppose. An argument for arguments sake.

jux he won't leave / sell our family house because he loves it. So it holds our equity and we can't buy a new place just yet. I don't live there as we moved 1.5h away back to London, one day whilst he was abroad for work. He won't ever leave the house if he can help it.

I am in my old bedroom at my parents, sharing with my 2yo and 7yo. My 5yo gets the small box room. We had a house with 4 double bedrooms. Lovely and big an a double bedroom each for the kids. Not this.

"He won't leave / sell our family house because he loves it. So it holds our equity and we can't buy a new place"

Each time you think you're becoming "weak" think about ^^.....only a selfish individual would behave this way, one thing I'll say about him, he's consistent with his selfishness!

"He won't leave / sell our family house because he loves it. So it holds our equity and we can't buy a new place"

Each time you think you're becoming "weak" think about ^^.....only a selfish individual would behave this way, one thing I'll say about him, he's consistent in his selfishness!

"He won't leave / sell our family house because he loves it. So it holds our equity and we can't buy a new place"

Each time you think you're becoming "weak" think about ^^.....only a selfish individual would behave this way, one thing I'll say about him, he's consistent in his selfishness!

I hope you are working with a solicitor to force a sale, or for him to buy you out.

At one point he said he would sell it in order to show that he was serious about mending the relationship, didn't he?

I too hope that you and your solicitor are looking at releasing your equity.

Yes at one point he said he would sell the house and other properties for us to get a house together in London. And he would give up his job and find one closer, and attend the abusers course as well as any other courses I want him to.

Since then he has realised the abusers course is a waste of time and would require him to take half a day off work, and so he won't do it. He also has fallen back in love with the house and so doesn't want to sell it. Every now and then he says 'I'll sell it if you really want me to, but it's a bad idea'.

So he claims he would at a push, but I just don't see why I should have to push him to take steps to house his children properly.

I saw the house yesterday when I dropped the DDs to him. It's lovely, it was totally spotless clean, and he was watching TV. It's his pride and joy. My friend described it as his possession, along with me and the DDs. We are all simply things he is entitled to have and own.

I have a solicitor who will get me through this.

What does your solicitor think about your equity in the house?

And he has other properties. Other properties which presumably are more suitable for a lone person, whose children would visit EOW? And he won't move into one of them because? So, he doesn't care whether his children have a suitable and familiar base in which they live most of the time. Nice.

name I have read all of your thread and I'm am amazed by your strength, you are a inspiration to women, keep it up lass we are all on your and your DDs side

Ah, thanks thatduck! I'm not strong at all really, I am doing this all on autopilot and I still don't really want it to happen.

Weekend back in home city was great. I met up with lots of friends, and just realised how lovely everyone is, and what great friendships I had built up over the years. They would not have developed into anything further because of H's insistence that people who are not family are not important. Unless they can benefit us in any way of course.

H was his usual self - did not open the door to greet us after a 4 hour drive, even though he could see us from the window. So it was up to me to get the children out, unlock the front door and give them to him in the living room, and then bring the bags in myself. I was annoyed already, but he topped it off by telling me his car was in the garage and so I would be doing all of the drops and pick ups from the DDs play dates etc planned for the weekend.

Friends of mine were lovely - I stayed overnight with two of them - and had lots of offers to come and visit again, etc. I was really glad I went.

H also was a bit odd in that I needed a few bits from the house which I thought he would resist, but didn't. Instead he was helping me to fill up my car as much as possible with mine and the DDs belongings, like he wanted to clear the space out. He has also made some changes at home - removed some clutter and set up a new tv and surround sound. He is definitely making the house his own.

I had to drop the DDs to his sisters place for a birthday party (crazy SIL who wants me to stay with him), so I dropped them off, and was civil and friendly with SIL, even though I hadn't seen her since Jan when I left him.

H then wanted me to stay at the party and cut the cake/eat with the birthday child, which I refused to do. At the end of the party I went back to pick up DDs and he said 'thank you for coming' which was genuinely nice of him to say.

He left some papers for me to sign regarding the sale of one of the flats we have, and snuck in some papers regarding me handing back my share of our joint business account back to him. I didn't sign it.

So it was an eventful weekend. DDs loved seeing their old friends again, as did I. And I saw my old house and survived.

And he has other properties. Other properties which presumably are more suitable for a lone person, whose children would visit EOW? And he won't move into one of them because? So, he doesn't care whether his children have a suitable and familiar base in which they live most of the time. Nice.

Yes, he has two flats he could move into, I told him to do this. He said no, because he doesn't want to live in them, he wants to live in the house. And said they are 2-bed flats and not big enough for him to have the DDs for the weekend when he sees them (approx once every 3 weeks).

Yes we are living 4 of us in 1 bedroom and one tiny box room at my parents. I share the single bed with my 2yo most nights as she now wakes in the night and wants me.

I find it unfathomable that he won't just move and release equity, buy a place in London and have us live together. Even as a bullying/controlling move to have me stay with him. But he won't. He loves the house more than us.

What does your solicitor think about your equity in the house?

SHL says we will get more than half of the house. I'm doing my never-ending financial disclosure form at the moment and then SHL and I will meet for a good chat about it all. H is confident I will walk away with a decent settlement.

H claims he will give me 50/50 split of assets and will be splitting our 'debt' to his dad between us as well, and will be going for 50/50 custody of the DDs. Who he sees once every 3 weekends and phones once a week.

Name great that you had a great weekend, hopefully this won't be the last one.

Your ExH, true to form!

Diarise all contact to prove that that is what happens, and that there isn't a 50/50 split. You may not need it (and of course, it isn't actual proof, but it could carry someweight if it comes to it) but you'll kick yourself if it could help and you haven't done it.

Name I'm hating him on your behalf. How dare he be kitting out his man-pad when you're all in one room (even though its great and totally your choice) and then have the cheek to say he's pursuing 50-50 residency? Selfish, horrible. I think you may need to ensure your SHL is totally on board with what a sh!t he is. I hate to say it as I don't consider myself a vindictive person but please take him for all you can get. FFS sneaking those papers in! I'm fuming for you.

I've been diarising contact just with dates on an excel spreadsheet. I am not sure it would could as proof, but the many dates with 'no contact with children' written next to them should show how little involvement he has. We now live around 1.5h away so it is a long journey to make to see them, but no phonecalls/Facetimes either. It's just odd to me. I can't see that as human behaviour at all.

Thats thank you for your anger, I need it. I don't feel any towards him at the moment, just numbness/indifference today. Hoping it will last.

I told my sister about his actions this weekend and she was fuming over it too. But I have been on a bit of a weird high having come back from a lovely weekend with friends. I'm so glad I went and feel like I am cementing old friendships rather than losing them when I moved city. It's quite empowering really.

I just wish H would have joined in with this over the years, we could have had lots of friends and a great social life together. It seems so sad and pointless for him to be sat at home by himself every evening, even though he likes it that way. It's just such a passive existence.

How dare he be kitting out his man-pad when you're all in one room (even though its great and totally your choice)

Not really my choice - I totally want to be where I am, with family and not with H, but the living arrangements are very stressful. It's just a small space, and we are all on top of each other. I do need to get out, but I really will not rent at London prices, when I need all of my cash for house purchase. It's great having my parents live here for now as my dad is super supportive and helpful my mum not so much.

But it is difficult, and certainly not the home space the DDs have grown up with and are used to. Which he is enjoying as much as he can now. It's interesting how he has kitted out with more TV stuff now - surround sound downstairs and a smart tv upstairs.

Were we decorations/furniture in the house getting in the way? We have gone now and he can upgrade his living premises?

Even the spotlessness of the house offends me on some level. The surfaces are all super-clean now, just how he likes it, and he can have it that was now that we have gone.

In your diary you need to have space to not things like: arrived at house, rang bell, he wouldn't open door so I had to open door and take DC and bags in, he informed me he didn't have car so I would have to do all ferrying around...

That is a record of him not caring about the DCs needs.

It's just odd to me. I can't see that as human behaviour at all.

It's his behaviour. Considering the background, it's expected. Most men like him don't give a damn about other people, including his children.

Next time (if there is a next time) would you do anything different in terms of doing all of the running around?

I'd be wary about signing anything without a lawyer's advice, but perhaps that's over cautious. How do you know he won't forge your signature on the bank account form?

Sounds as though you had a fabulous time - so good to read you all full of energy.

I have been reading your thread and this comment jumped out at me. I would love to meet someone one day, but as a 40 year old woman with 3 children I know my chances are not great. But I will think about that another time. I can imagine meeting someone when DDs have left home and I am older and living child-free.

I was with an abusive alcoholic of an arsewipe and have very much been where you are now. But, I now have a very very amazing DP, we have 4 kids between us 6, 9, 9 and 10 and its fantastic. We are 44 and 46 and we have been together for 18 months, and we are very much looking forward to our life together. And if being with the arsewipe was the price to pay for what I have now, you know it was worth it.

It took me 6 years to contemplate going into a relationship again, and it was only when we started going out that I realised that even after all that time I wasn't completely repaired and I had further work to do on myself.

My kids have also suffered, but currently no longer see there Dad, their choice, and I don't know if it will be permanent or not, but right now we are all in a pretty good place so it can happen. 40 years young is just a great place to be. I've found untapped sources of energy and confidence in my 40s.

Next time (if there is a next time) would you do anything different in terms of doing all of the running around?

No, I probably wouldn't

He doesn't know any of DDs friends, and the odd times he has picked them up or dropped them off somewhere my friends have commented that H didn't look very happy, or is very quiet, or something. All quite minor comments, but he is not friendly basically.

I like running around with DDs. It is tiring and I wished H would share the load, but it's very rewarding too. I like knowing and making friends with parents. And I loved being there when they each saw there long-lost friends and both parties were just overjoyed to see each other. I loved it.