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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

999 replies

Namechanger2015 · 17/05/2015 21:01

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me Hmm)
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/05/2015 20:21

If you want to k ow what children who have lived through domestic abuse turn out like then please look no further than your ex husband. That is what they turn out like.

I strongly believe that he witnessed or was subjected to abuse growing up. He wasn't born that way.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/05/2015 20:23

He treat you like total shit. Your children saw and heard it every single day.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/05/2015 20:25

Abuse is a cycle. Repeated through families.

The less your children are exposed to him and his abusive ways the better.

They need positive role models. Your own family sound great, your father, get your children around him, let them see how a good man behaves and see how nice your interactions are..........

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 28/05/2015 21:24

nc, excuse me asking but do you still feel youre in love with him? forget wanting a family unit for your kids and the house situation, what are your feelings?

Yes I think I am in a way but I think it's in a twisted way, like the grass is always greener. Now I am alone I want to be with him (or just someone!) I think.

After he hit me he asked me about why I didn't do x, y and z for him, considering he was supposed to be the love of my life. I was really shocked at hearing him say that and realised that I hadn't felt that way about him for a long long time. In fact I had times when I was flicking him V signs behind his back from the other room! Grin So I don't know why I love him know, I miss his company and his physical presence - sleeping in a bed and feeling someone in there. But after he hit me I couldn't bear the idea of him touching me at all - even his hand touching mine on a door handle or whatever. So that doesn't quite tally up either.

Maybe I miss his familiarity, we were married for nearly 10 years, and had known each a further 10 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 28/05/2015 21:27

It was overkill. Disney Dad on steroids. That annoyed me too; because these things are all done for show. They dazzle and excite the children, and paint him in a good light at the same time.

Yes, it was a lot for him to do, and this is the same dad who disapproves of them going to birthday parties unless they are family, and is quite happy to have them watch tv all day whilst he does his own thing. So it was a lot for him to do and quite out of character.

But since he only had them for 4 days this month, assuming this continues, he could always be this way if he wanted.

DD2 said they ate a lot of chips whilst they were away (she was very happy about this!), and all of their clothes came back unwashed, so he clearly put all normal life activities on hold whilst he had them - something I could never do., and never wanted to really. They come shopping with me, hung clothes on the washing line with me, etc,

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 28/05/2015 21:33

I strongly believe that he witnessed or was subjected to abuse growing up. He wasn't born that way.

I don't know what it could be, but H and his sister are very similar, and although I don't know BIL very well he also seems like that from what I have heard.

FIL is a really lovely man, he is very traditional but has always been quite loving. MIL has always been lovely to me as well, but again very traditional, and I know they very much believe in a patriarchal household. I was expected to cook/clean etc for my H and his family, which was fine, every society has their different cultural expectations, but what made H this way I really don't know.

From what I heard from his extended family MIL was not very nice before at all, she had a bit of a reputation as being a bit mean. But she was fine with me - part of me things she was so upset when h was first divorced, and was so relieved when he married again, that she was just pleased that I was with him and gave him children. But I never saw any nasty behaviour.

Yet h and his siblings are very much all about taking care of themselves first. Would not go out of their way to help anyone unless it's family.

I can think of shitty things he did when I first knew him 20 years ago now, in and amongst all of the lovely things he did, so I know this is an intrinsic part of who he is. Just need the other side of my brain to catch up and accept this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 28/05/2015 21:40

They need positive role models. Your own family sound great, your father, get your children around him, let them see how a good man behaves and see how nice your interactions are..........

My family rock. Even I notice the difference hugely.

I (and therefore we) are free to say anything we want, without it being held against me weeks later, or twisted around for god knows what reason. And the lack of blame, for every little thing, is so noticeable.

We all make mistakes, or have a lazy day, or buy the wrong thing from the shops, or run out of something at home and it's fine, and not even noticed, just fixed and we move on. It's not remembered for a later argument.

This is great for the DDs, his language and attitude would have turned on them eventually too. It already did when he pushed my DD back after hitting me.

It's very hard to reconcile with the Perfect Husband I am getting now.

OP posts:
MyRightFoot · 28/05/2015 21:49

why did he push your dd?

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 28/05/2015 21:57

After he assaulted me the children were crying and ran over and sat on my lap.

H came storming into the room and DD1 was sat on my lap crying into my shoulder.

He pushed her shoulder back and said/shouted 'and what's wrong with you?' I grabbed his hand and moved it away and said ask her, don't shout at her.

It was revolting. But she loves her dad still and loves seeing him. She absolutely remembers the assault but I have no idea if she remembers being pushed.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/05/2015 22:03

'MIL was not very nice before at all, she had a bit of a reputation as being a bit mean'

There you have it op.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/05/2015 22:04

And of course she is nice to the outside world. Most abusers don't show their nasty side to those outside the home.

Sometimes they don't even k ow they're abusive at all.

MyRightFoot · 28/05/2015 22:06

abused children do love the abusive parent. it is this love that affects their
later choice in partners. because they equate love with abuse.
you have a huge responsibility in ensuring this doesnt happen to your girls.

headlesslambrini · 28/05/2015 22:18

I cant really contribute to this thread as Im not in your position but I just wanted to say that YOU ARE AWESOME and that your STBX is a dick.

Vivacia · 29/05/2015 07:27

I've known children absolutely adore the worst of parents (behaviour going beyond neglect).

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 29/05/2015 12:11

you have a huge responsibility in ensuring this doesnt happen to your girls.

I won't let this happen to them, I am going ahead but full of regrets I suppose. But nice weekend plans (again), picnics with family, so things will get better.

I will snap out of it at some point, but just can't escape feeling very blue and very alone at the moment.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/05/2015 12:37

It really does sound like you're brainwashed, doesn't it? Is the Freedom group helping with this?

Vivacia · 29/05/2015 12:38

(And please don't think you're alone).

Jux · 29/05/2015 12:47

You're not alone, NC. Apart from your lovely family in rl, you have us!

Thinking of you Thanks

MyRightFoot · 29/05/2015 15:03

youre not alone love, you have a wonderful family helping you become the young lady you were before that devil got his hands on you.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 29/05/2015 15:22

It really does sound like you're brainwashed, doesn't it? Is the Freedom group helping with this?

At the moment I do feel very much under his spell. I don't know if this is because my parents are on hols as are my brothers, so I have little too much thinking and alone time, coupled with him being good and having the DDs for a few days.

My lovely cousin and DNs visited this morning, I told her I am slipping back to wanting to be with him, and she, like everyone else, is adamant that I don't.

The Freedom Programme hasn't really addressed this as yet, but I have an appt with my counsellor on Monday which I hope will help. I do feel like I need some further/different help as I am not sure why I am suddenly feeling like this, and cannot shake it off.

You're not alone, NC. Apart from your lovely family in rl, you have us!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I do have my lovely family but I am aware that I can't keep going on and on discussing this with them all, it's been 4 months since I left and so I am boring them all to tears now I am sure!

I do log on hourly daily and keep checking messages here, they are helping me so much. I can't thank you all enough for that, I would be going mad without this outlet.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/05/2015 16:19

It's a difficult time and your brain has been reconciling his nastiness and has trained itself to forget, forgive and feel good when he throws the breadcrumbs. It must be instinctive to you to just get back together and reconcile, as you have done many times before.

You wouldn't feel like that about a stranger who attacked you on the street, I'm sure.

So, the trick is to re-train your brain. I think you should get some counselling if you need help with this, but it can help to draw a list of his bad points and the reasons why you left (not just the violence).
When you are in bed, yes, it would be nice to cuddle someone, but that is what you are missing. Not him.

MyRightFoot · 29/05/2015 17:04

and dont be afraid of boring your family with this, it is very important you talk this out. four months is nothing. you sound such a good woman that i just know youre gonna meet someone really special one day.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 30/05/2015 10:53

It's a difficult time and your brain has been reconciling his nastiness and has trained itself to forget, forgive and feel good when he throws the breadcrumbs. It must be instinctive to you to just get back together and reconcile, as you have done many times before.

Yes I think this is what I am doing, thank you for pointing it out, I hadn't really thought about it. This is how I continued with my marriage for so long, I always looked ahead instead of dwelling on what he had done in the past.

But now I am trying to revisit things he has said and done over the years.

He text me yesterday as he is going to a wedding party and was getting ready to go. I didn't engage in the conversation. I am fairly certain that's why he didn't want the DC this weekend, because it's a huge wedding with lots of parties and events in the run up, and he would not have been able to attend these if he had the children to care for.

Since dropping them off on Tuesday night he has not called to speak to them once. I am feeling a little bit better for now, he is starting to go back to being who he was.

and don't be afraid of boring your family with this, it is very important you talk this out. four months is nothing. you sound such a good woman that i just know youre gonna meet someone really special one day.

I think my family must be bored to tears, I talk about nothing else, and am starting to think it's not healthy. I can't be defined by this and stew over it so much. I need to get more frequent counselling or different counselling, so I an talk about non-H stuff with family and try to keep moving forward.

I would love to meet someone one day, but as a 40 year old woman with 3 children I know my chances are not great. But I will think about that another time. I can imagine meeting someone when DDs have left home and I am older and living child-free.

It's weird but I felt more alone living with him that I do alone. I have more people to talk to now, my family are always on standby and there is always something going on.

OP posts:
BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 10/06/2015 21:43

I've been thinking about you Name. I hope you're staying strong for your girls and things are moving in the right direction for your family.

Jux · 10/06/2015 22:26

Hey there Name. How's life?