I know it's late, but anyone there to console me? I am feeling sick to the stomach that I probably won't get justice :( (Trigger warning)

[keepingmum121]

Anyone there? I need to splurge.

I want justice. I want it to be made known what he is like. I want an apology. I can't deal with this. I have thoughts of drowning myself in the Uni lake. I would fill my rucksack with bottles of alcohol, drink it at the edge and then jump in.

I am destined to be picked on by abusive men. This is so crap :(

You can change that, that is where you have control sweetheart.

Your daughters need you, you don't need a man and definitely don't need an abusive one. You are not at fault, they took advantage of you.

Hold your daughters close, they will be your strength.

I know I don't need a man. I wasn't looking for one. He instigated our contact.

can't sleep.

so much damage has been done. can't be fixed. thank you for listening.

You could be destined to have victory over this abuse.

If you end it, you will not see this day.
Try not to predict what may/may not happen, just get through this night.
That's all you have to do for now.
You have put in the necessary actions.
That is amazing. These crimes are estimated to be hugely under reported so that is a real achievement.

Now I know why people don't report. They're too sensible. I was stupid enough to think I might get closure by reporting. All that happened was shame, embarrassment (because of having to describe horrible details and have them read my private writings), inconvenience (I handed in my mobile in March and I only get it back tomorrow) and for what?

The wheel is still turning, please please try not to be defeated.
You have already come a long way, keep going.
Justice may well be served yet...

I don't know if this will help, but can you take a deep conscious breath.
you have done the right thing.
We don't know the outcome, but you did what was right.

You have been brave and strong. I was too young to report and I regret it, even if it exposed me it would have been right and there is no shame in another's actions.

It's not my fault an abuser took advantage, not my fault I had to waste time working through the issues it left me with - and those issues led to more abuse... It's not your fault either And we are many and are sympathetic and like you can feel the hurt but carry on.
You are not broken, you are healing and will heal more. Talk and talk and talk - here or the Samaritans. You must stay and keep healing yes for your children but for you too because this will get better.
Be proud that you didn't let this man get away without trying to stop him and I don't think you know whether this will go through yet but if it doesn't if was still worth doing and may yet make a difference.
Keep breathing, eating and sleeping. Allow your hurt to be heard but When negative thoughts overwhelm stop them and sleep or do weights or read whatever works.
You should feel awful, that is normal and real and acknowledging your right to be angry, hurt and harmed will allow you to heal.
Keep going, keep healing and be proud you challenged this man. I am proud for you.

Women enable by cooperating during sex crimes in an attempt not to anger the attacker. It's not enabling, it's survival. Plenty of women who resist end up dead, and as women deep down we know this.
I went to visit my attacker a few weeks after the attack, for various reasons.
Unfortunately, the law and the police are not really in the know when it comes to female psychology and how women react when being attacked. Until recently women were asked what they were wearing on the night of the attack. If there was "no sign of struggle" the man might get away with it. Usually, there's "no sign of struggle" because who wants to annoy a predatory potential killer of a male?

What I've written won't help you get a conviction, but it will stop you believing you're mad or that it didn't happen the way you remember.

I think the policewoman was on your side. I'm sure she's seen plenty of cases where the man got away with it and she is letting you know gently and subtly that this is the way the law operates.

You won't get justice, most probably but what you will get is a deeper understanding about how society works and you may gain a lot of female friends in the process.

Not sure if I am right but I think the law has recently changed from the victim needing to evidence that they said 'no' to the attacker and now the attacker has to prove that the victim consented.

I think it's a better way and sex crimes are taken seriously and I have so much respect for those who do report these vile attackers. Like you have.

I really hope you managed to sleep a little and feel a little more positive today. Please let us know how you are.

Thank you all for writing.

I now finally have my mobile phone back. I don't know what they did to it but it won't receive texts. Yet more crap.

By total chance today, I mentioned the incident to a different friend and she went white and told me that the same man had approached her housemate (repeatedly, I think) some months ago and creeped her out and asked for her number. I just know he has form! :(

If they don't charge him, there is another victim somewhere out there, destined to be ruined as well.
Today I still feel awful. I need to know the decision so I can try to come to terms with it.

The police woman told me that these cases are notoriously difficult because there are no witnesses. The prosecution have to prove he did it without reasonable doubt. The defense don't have to prove anything; they only have to sow seeds of doubt that will convince two of the twelve jurors.
I am shocked they ever win. I even have bruising photographed and plenty of messages that show clearly his attitude about consent. Yet still he will get away with this.

What kind of phone is it? Might be worth a try to restore settings?

How are you feeling this eve?

It is a very basic phone. Not touch screen or anything. I have no idea how to restore settings.

Bit calmer this evening. Still getting upset every time I think of it but my body isn't reacting badly like yesterday.
I just can't help thinking over and over what I can do to try to strengthen my case and be believed.

I think you have done all you can do for now.
Try not to let this person have anything else of you/from you.

I was reading a book today about how grief / anger / fear affects our bodies.
It recommended placing your hand on your heart and visualising happy loving times, either real, things that have happened with your DC, or friends, or imagined, just imagine an outpouring of love on who you love, or care for.

Just practicing this is supposed to be soothing and have positive effect on your body / wellbeing.

Hi keeping, I'm going through EXACTLY the same thing. Except it was my BF DH and he attacked me three times. This was last year and no word from the police yet. I get the feeling that nothing will happen. And I try not to mind but I really do. I woke up to him assaulting me and I told him to stop and pushed him away but he didn't listen.

Just the mere thought that he could get away with this makes me SO angry. He even attends my church every Sunday. I know it is not good to feel this way, but I imagine myself with a bow and arrow as I sit only a few metres behind him. He should NOT be able to carry on as normal when he hurt me that way.

I mentioned to a friend today that I don't think they'll get a charge. She said that the lesson to learn from this (and to teach my daughters) is not to be alone with a man unless they have known him a long time and can be sure he is trustworthy. She then compared the situation to someone leaving their wallet unattended.

I feel like a fool.

I could cry :(

Oh no Keeping, that's awful. Are the church supporting you or don't they know?
That sounds horrendous.

Have you tried to obtain specialist help?
freephone helpline
0808 802 9999
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm

You are not a fool.
I don't mean to offend, but your friends attitude, though sadly not uncommon, is distorted.
The fault is with the perpetrator 100%

It might be good to cry. To take the edge off of your emotions.
Big sisterly hugs to you.

Attitude is wrong.
Perception is distorted.

Head going too fast.

I kind of know she was misinformed, but I can't exactly articulate why. I just know it hurt. I feel he should have not have assaulted me, whatever the circs. But then HOW can this be avoided? Should I just never let any man be alone with me?

I appreciate your hugs. Wish they were real though!

Agreed, you are not a sodding wallet. You are not at fault, you are not to blame. Rapists choose to rape. Abusers choose to abuse. You haven't done anything wrong. Whatever you did at the time would have been out of sheer bloody self-preservation. You were attacked. He did that. You were not complicit in that, either before, during or after and I am so very sorry you feel the system has put you through the trauma twice, so so sorry. And I am furious on your behalf that the bastard won't serve time. But you have done a remarkably brave thing in reporting. Also, if anything happens in the future with another victim, surely your report will mean the police try even harder to nail the bastard.
Please don't do anything to yourself. Don't let him win. You are worth so much more. [hand to hold]