I know it's late, but anyone there to console me? I am feeling sick to the stomach that I probably won't get justice :( (Trigger warning)

[keepingmum121]

Anyone there? I need to splurge.

When it comes to counselling, it's not a question of what you want - it's a matter of what you need to enable you to come to terms with what has happened and, as the police do not intend to proceed with the case, you are free to talk to a counsellor about anything and everything that is rooting you to a points in time which is now past.

Can you not take your 12yo out with you for an hour? If not, resolve to take a long walk or cycle ride tomorrow and concentrate your mind on your surroundings.

Thank you. I can't imagine counselling helping me. I've been broken for 18 years. I have tried so hard, including counselling. If I go for the counselling, it'll just force me to dredge over the things that I would love to forget about. As it is, I can't currently think about anything else as it is so raw. I just need time and I must ignore it. Nothing anyone can say will ever help me feel alright about this injustice, when I tried so hard.

I don't trust counselling to cure my phobia, but don't know where to turn for that specific thing. I wonder, does anyone know about hypnotherapy? Could that help?

I hope you've been able to spend some time in the fresh air and wonder at the marvels of nature today, keeping.

Counselling in itself won't cure your phobia but it will enable you to articulate your feelings with a view to being able to move on from those which are keeping you in a dark place mentally.

Hynotherapy can be effective in curing phobias but, as yours is more complex than most, you will need to source an accredited hypnotherapist by word of mouth or recommendation from a health care professional such as your GP.

CBT is most often used for phobias but it will only be successful if you are prepared to put the work in to make it happen.

Yes, I did make it out this evening. Walked to the shop to get ingredients for dd1's food tech practical tomorrow. Admiring other people's rose gardens :)

Wrt the phobia, why is mine more complex? I know it is a weird thing to be phobic about but aren't they all treated the same way? If only I was free from it!

Thank you for sticking by me.

It's merely a term: most phobias are diagnosed as being 'simple' while others are 'complex'.

Your phobia is complex because the words you are scared of seeing/hearing are linked to your negative physical experience of what they describe whereas someone who, for example, is scared of snakes but hasn't been physically attacked by one has a simple phobia about those particular reptiles.

Ah right. I always supposed that all phobias were somehow linked to a negative experience, even if it is one that the person can't recall (e.g. from infancy). If not, how do phobias develop?

Mind you, having said that, I also have a huge problem (I don't know whether to go as far as to call it a phobia) with toenails . Anyone touching them, picking them, bending them the wrong way. It makes me feel really sick and weak. I have NO clue why that is!

My dd is taking gcse psychology next year so I hope she'll let me read her notes. Phobias is one of the topics they cover. I find it kind of fascinating.

They think that most phobias are present from birth and may have served survival, for instance a baby's fear of heights is obviously useful. Nothing in human psychology (or any psychology) is always completely simple though, which is what makes it so fascinating. Maybe there's an evening or daytime adult ed class near you.

Thank you for asking. I don't know. I am calmer I think but still get bursts of uncontrollable negative emotion.
Still waiting to hear from DC about arranging a meeting.
I have not fully accepted the NFA. Sometimes I think I have reached acceptance but then I get upset again.
He was at church on Sunday. I had to walk right past him (as I came out the toilets) and could feel his eyes boring into me.

A bit of hand holding today won't go amiss.

I just had an absolutely lovely weekend with a very close friend. Still, the unwanted visions and memories of what that man did to me continue to prevent proper concentration.

We tried to watch a film on Saturday night but kept having to pause it because of my stupid brain.

Anyway, I am on tenterhooks again now because I know the DC is back in the office again, having been in Crown Court the past couple of weeks. I wonder if justice was done for that person....

I am hoping (but probably in vain) that she will be in touch in response to my request for a meeting.

I just managed to discover by googling what happened in court last week. Man found guilty and given 17.5 years.
I feel sick, shaky, envious at the success and guilty for feeling that way.
:( :(
I know it's illogical, but I feel like other people are just way more important.

Struggling this evening :(

17.5 years? Unless there was extreme violence, that sentence is unlikely to have been handed down for a first offence or for only one count which suggests he is a serial offender or was up on multipe counts against one or more victims.

Try not to dwell on matters such as this as it can only serve to anchor you in a place where you are continually fixating on what could have been 'if only'.

Yes, it was sex offences against multiple children (historic).
It's not the length of sentence that is affecting me, more just the fact that he was convicted at all (or even that the victims got the chance to try).

I've been dumped like a sack of potatoes. I'm worth nothing, or they would have tried harder or even just been more communicative with me. They probably don't think it was that bad. Maybe it wasn't in one way. I mean, I didn't fear for my life or anything. But it has damaged me further.

As far as they're concerned, I'm just case #123 (or whatever) that is now shelved. They can move on. I can't.

I goes without saying that I've had no response yet to my request to meet.

Sorry, I'm feeling mega sorry for myself this evening :(

There's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself per se, but you are best advised to try to limit it to, say, 15 minutes of wall to wall wallowing before putting those thoughts away and getting your head into a place where you are a survivor rather than a victim because you're certainly worth a lot more than what he tried to reduce you to.

In the case you've referred to there was clearly more than one victim who was prepared to testify but, as you know, your own case has a number of inherent difficulties which make prosecution inadvisable as there would be little chance of success and you would feel infinitely worse if a jury were to return a verdict of not guilty.

I am just not a strong person. I am not a survivor. A survivor would rise above. I can't control my thoughts or limit how long I dwell on this. My brain is an enemy I can't control. It controls me and hurts me with the horrible flashbacks and negative emotions.

I am in turmoil and am powerless.

I want power, I want to kick ass, I want to stand up again. But I can't. Something is very wrong with me. Probably just weakness. Still, it shows how the strong should be applauded (and there are a lot of strong women on mn).

On the news article about the recent case, the DS apparently is quoted as saying that the conviction is "testament to the victims' bravery". Hmm. Does that mean that no conviction means no bravery? Well, I tried. And failed :(

You are a survivor as you are still here. I'm so sorry you haven't got the answers you wanted. You can appeal.
This has made me think about the fact that while my case is going to court it doesn't mean justice will prevail .

It doesn't mean that no conviction means no bravery. All the DS was saying is that in that particular case a conviction could not have been obtained if the victims had not been courageous enough to testify in a court of law.

In your particular case there are reasons to believe that your testimony alone would not be sufficient to obtain a conviction, but this does not reflect in any way on the bravery you exhibited in reporting the matter.

You have also exhibited courage in going to church and feeling his eyes boring into you. As not many would willingly put themselves through that ordeal , it seems to me that you get to stand up and kick ass every week.

There are many strong minded women on mn and there's no reason why you can't be one too.

He probably thinks he did nothing wrong. Now he'll be even more convinced that I'm an accusing bitch. How dare I make such a fuss about it? That's what he's thinking.

breadmaker, I hope you get justice. I wish we all could.

What he thinks is irrelevant and you shouldn't waste minute on it.

You know the truth; you know what he's like and, as I've said all along, I have no doubt that other women have fallen, and will fall, victim to this predatory sex offender.

I do care what he's thinking and possibly telling other people. Also, it messes with my head and gets me questioning myself: Did I imagine it? Did he really mean it? Was it really that bad? Have I remembered all wrong? Would he really do that? It is worse because I ended up cooperating and temporarily convincing myself that it was all okay and normal.

Seriously, if I didn't have my diary and all the other writings I wrote straight afterwards, I would be even worse now! I know it is all true but when I see him there acting all innocent and 'good church attending guy', I panic I have hallucinated or something. The two realities clash in my head. I can't put them together. There is no logic.

The ISVA just called me. She is going to email the DC herself to chase about having a meeting at the Topaz Centre.

I am hoping we can organise for it to be before the schools break up for the summer.

It is coming up to a year ago that I first clapped eyes on the bastard. I clearly remember the short exchange we had. Little did I know what it would lead to :(