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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know it's late, but anyone there to console me? I am feeling sick to the stomach that I probably won't get justice :( (Trigger warning)

372 replies

keepingmum121 · 16/05/2015 23:53

Anyone there? I need to splurge.

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keepingmum121 · 03/07/2015 13:38

Thank you. I can't say how comforting it is to me that anyone is still here and listening.
I hope to hear soon about a meeting, but if the past six months is anything to go by it'll take ages :(
Even though I know deep down the meeting will achieve nothing, I still can't quite let go yet.

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keepingmum121 · 03/07/2015 22:39

I am so drunk!

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Jux · 03/07/2015 23:10

There's lots of us still here, sending good vibes in your direction.

Drink a couple of large glasses of water before you go to bed. Hope you feel OK in the morning Wink

keepingmum121 · 06/07/2015 19:28

Well, it has been a good two or three weeks since I emailed the DC and she has not replied yet.

I just wish I could reason myself out of this feeling of being dumped. She told me when she called that I could call or email her any time. But then when I do I am met with blank wall.

The ISVA also emailed her on Thursday last week. Still nothing.

So miserable and upset. My feelings are not abating. There he was at church yesterday. I knew he was staring and I could feel he was gloating. Perhaps he knows he's escaped justice :(

I am wondering about writing him a letter, telling him how his decision to force me has affected me and to beg him to say sorry.

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keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 13:58

Horrible horrible update, but is anyone still here reading this thread?

I am all cried out. Spoken to crisis people. Spoken to Samaritans. Spoken to my friend. Can't make this right.

They have dealt so unkindly with me, or insensitively at least. Not the DC so much as the DS. I thought they were supposed to be trained officers. Trained in what, I wonder....

If anyone is still there I will elaborate later.

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Teacase · 09/07/2015 14:27

What's happened keep ? We're here. Is your RL support around for you too?

keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 18:04

I am home now. But I can't bring myself to even type what happened today because it sets me off crying uncontrollably.
This will be the finish of me, I'm sure of it. I am weak.

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goddessofsmallthings · 09/07/2015 19:07

Whatever it is, it's not the 'finish' of you, honey, and you can weather it here until your begin to see the 'start' of you because, no matter how hot the fire, you'll be a phoenix and rise again - when you have dc you really dont have a choice but to keep going otherwise they'll become victims too.

keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 19:40

The DS finally emailed me. She seemed to reluctantly agree to meet if I really feel I must. Her impatience with me was palpable. She reiterated that they will definitely not change their mind and she wondered what the point of meeting would be.

She stated that the DC is really busy with other cases that are going to trial. That comment hit me in the gut :(

My email had been polite, apologetic, full of gratitude to them and I also even write that I understood that they probably won't review but that I want the facts of my case to be all correct and comprehensive so that when the next person reports they can be used. Who knows if I'll even still be around when that happens.

I wrote also that I need to have my questions answered for closure.

It seems they hate me. Well, at least she does. Who knows if she even believes me.

Can't she just show a tiny bit of compassion? My eyes are red, I have a stinking headache from all the anguish and I want to be dead.

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keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 19:45

Oh, and the way she told me that they had informed him felt so harsh. I don't know when they told him, but couldn't they have let me know?? They are fully aware that I have to face him every week at least. I knew he was looking smug on Sunday, the way he looked at me.

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keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 19:52

And she said she might be able to see me on this coming weekend or otherwise it can't be for ages (I forget what date she said - I have filed her email into a folder in yahoo because just seeing it there in my inbox makes me ill). However, she made it clear that she'll cancel our arrangement if a live job comes up. I get that she has to. It was her tone that hurt me.

I don't know what to do now. Is there any point meeting them? I'll likely come away feeling terrible and suicidal.

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keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 21:11

Is anyone still there?

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goddessofsmallthings · 09/07/2015 21:28

I'm here and am currently trying to find the words to respond to your update in a manner which you won't perceive as being lacking in understanding of your current feelings.

It's not an easy task as I'm cognisant of your tendency to default to the 'I might as well be dead' position which conveys a covert message that any response which may cause you further upset could tip you over the edge.

Nevertheless, I'll put my ballet pointes on and do my best to tiptoe around the elephant in the room Smile

keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 21:31

I'm not the sort of person to easily take offence. Sorry if I give that impression. But yes, I am fragile. And thank you for replying at all. It means the world. I know I do have friends in rl, but I hate to bother them too much.

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goddessofsmallthings · 09/07/2015 21:32

Jeez!! Pressed 'post message', read it back and it looks harsh which it wasn't intended to be.

Will try to do better in my next response.

keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 21:32

What is the elephant in the room?

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keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 21:33

I didn't read it as harsh. Honestly.

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goddessofsmallthings · 09/07/2015 21:58

It seems to me there's a veritable herd of the creatures vying for space here Smile

There's your frustration with the police who are not social workers, counsellors, crisis workers etc, and whose remit is to maintain law and order and investigate those complaints which are made to them in an equal handed manner,

There's also your apparent reluctance to move on from a harrowing experience which, for all of its horrendousness, doesn't define you, nor should you allow it to confine you in a manner which prevents you from
deriving as much joy from life as you would have done if it hadn't occurred.

In addition, as I've alluded to above, there's your continual reference to wishing yourself dead etc which may simply be your way of venting - most of us have said the words in rl 'might as well be dead for all the notice they take of me', 'felt like topping myself' etc etc - but which can serve to make responders feel a tad inhibited as the written word can so easily be miscontrued.

That's ma, pa, and baby elephant and I daresay the dgps are lurking somewhere near. I'll see if I can hunt them down for my next post.

keepingmum121 · 09/07/2015 22:10

If I ever did kill myself, it wouldn't be because of any kind person on mn trying their best to console me. It would be because of the abuse I've endured.

I was 20 years old when I was first stalked and dragged away from a nightclub. This guy then suddenly appeared 17 years later on facebook, trying to find out if I ever had his child. That was last summer.

Then met ex h, who was abusive in every way and could have killed me.

Then a gap of about 12 years....only for this next one to get me next. He is the only one I reported.

That is why I often feel suicidal. yes, I do feel defined by the past. I don't want anyone to feel they have to take responsibility for this in what they say here. It is just a bare fact.

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goddessofsmallthings · 10/07/2015 05:26

You've identified the dgf and dgm elephants Smile

What happened to you when you were 20 was not properly or fully addressed at the time and it was subsequently compounded by the years of abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex which may have caused you to believe that you were worthless, or that in some way you attracted abuse because it was no more than you deserved.

During the years since you left your ex you may have begun to emerge from the fog of negative thinking and then up pops the harbinger of doom on FB shortly followed by the heinous crime which was perpetrated against you last November, the net result of which has been to freeze frame you in both the distant and recent past by causing you to suffer from PTSD.

The 'justice' you sought but, unfortunately, haven't been able to achieve is not simply a case of bringing one offender to account as all three of those males who abused and used you for their own ends should be standing in the dock and, imo, this is why you are finding it so hard to come to terms with the decision that has been made in respect of the one offence you have reported to the police.

What you would benefit from is a surfeit of TLC of the type you would give to your dc if they were feeling poorly, but as adults the onus is on us to administer self-care as and when we can while continuing to spin all of those plates which are necessary to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table while fulfilling all of our other responsibilities/obligations.

If we were to meet in rl I would at least be able to give you a hug, hold your hands, look you in the eye, and tell you that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT and we could proceed to get hammered debate why some appear to get all the luck and so many either don't seem to get any at all, or the little luck they do get is shortlived.

The objective of any such debate would be to persuade both of us that there may be some underlying reason unknown to humankind why our lives pan out as they do and that, even when we may feel that we've been run over by a steamroller or have been broken into a thousand pieces by the cruelty of others, we can pick ourselves up and carry on to the natural end of this sometimes frustrating but fascinating journey called life - and more importantly that, no matter what happens, we can create or regain a zest for living that we may have come to believe is way beyond our capability.

As it is, all I can do is to entreat you to put aside any thoughts of suicide and focus your attention on the need for you to source all of the help available which can enable you to heal the hurts and harms that have been done to you and move forward with confidence that, no matter what the future may hold, you WILL survive because, regardless of whatever else you may be, you ARE a survivor.

Flowers get out and smell some today, honey, and why not treat yourself to a bunch?

LeBearPolar · 10/07/2015 09:07

goddess - your posts are amazing.

keepingmum121 · 10/07/2015 15:33

Thank you for your words goddess.

You have made a pretty accurate analysis. I have tried hard to recover from 1997 but I don't think I ever can. On the plus side, I don't feel at all adversely affected by my ex h any more (probably because I never loved him - I never stopped hankering after bastard #1).

The thing with the police is this: I don't expect them to be counsellors. However, I thought their specially trained officers would be able to communicate with victims in a kinder way. I don't get why the DS doesn't understand why a meeting would be helpful to me. Why doesn't she agree that the errors need clearing up? Why doesn't she act like she's on my side? Why didn't they inform me when they'd unbailed him?

I could rewrite her email for her, conveying all the same information (even her determination not to review), in so much more sympathetic a way.

She made me feel like a pest who she wishes would just piss off.

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