I know it's late, but anyone there to console me? I am feeling sick to the stomach that I probably won't get justice :( (Trigger warning)

[keepingmum121]

Anyone there? I need to splurge.

It may seem like that. I completely get where you are coming from. It is an injustice. It is a hideous traumatic pain for you with many far - reaching consequences.

But he is not to be congratulated. He is a violent sexual offender with no regard for other people. He doesn't understand normal human behaviour and emotions.

I would rather live your life with the trauma and the consequences (and I am living it) than be him. I honestly would rather be me (or you) with the damage but knowing I'm a decent human being who never knowingly hurts people.

I changed my NN during this thread (every time I talk in depth on MN about my history I change NN as want to move away from it in case someone advance searches me as MN is the only place I really talk about it these days but my previous posts were under alwaysstaytoolong).

You will survive. You won't believe me and I understand that but you will.

I find it horrifying they would 'test' a survivor to see if they could prosecute.
What's wrong with just being straight. I feel a bit out of my depth responding here but surely they should not be duplicitous?

I wonder if they could find the woman who was attacked previously?
This strongly suggests he will do it again.

Have you thought any further about next moves keeping?

Thinking of you

I'll probably sway back and forth, but my thoughts right now are that I will just leave it be. They'll never change their mind.

It makes me feel less worthy than those who get to take it to court. Nothing you can say will stop that feeling.

I haven't had an email response from the DC and to be frank I'm currently feeling so sick about this that I'd find her name popping up in my inbox immensely triggering.

She doesn't realise that by using that word over and over has made me feel let down and violated by the person who should be helping me. And for what?

Oops! They were meant to be italics. Oh well.

And I don't normally say this but OP - PM me if you want to. If you want to say things that you don't want to on this thread or scream or whatever. PM me.

We're all here for you.

But that person using that word didn't violate you. The word doesn't violate you. The act did.

The word is an accurate description of what happened to you. A word that anyone that hears it understands what it means. And that's why it's an important word.

It's not the word that is the issue - it is the act. You're transferring all the experiences, emotions and trauma to the word.

You feel like the word had power. It doesn't. It has no power at all. It is a four letter word. The experiences/emotions/trauma have power. The word does not.

A word has no power over you.

There is so much that you are struggling to resolve, keeping, but you can settle this paticular issue simply by asking the DC if she deliberately used the word(s) which she knows you have great difficulty hearing as a means of ascertaining whether you would be able to withstand cross examination by the defence and, if so, whether your response(s) had any bearing on the decision not to pass your case to the CPS.

If you don't feel able to speak to her about this matter, send her an email.

aint It is powerful on me. I explained that to her (well, I got a friend to explain). It physically hurts me.

goddess I can't face asking because right now I can't deal with the answer and I can't face seeing her name in my inbox. :(

Nothing will change if you do nothing.

OP - it is powerful to you because you are according the word power that it does have.

The way you feel about it is a symptom - the word is not the cause.

And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or anxious. Your extreme reaction to that word is suggestive of unresolved trauma. I have to question what counselling you had for a year that made no inroads into this issue.

Such is the idiosyncrasy, or economy, of the English language that the word also describes a pretty yellow flowering plant which produces oil and fields of which can be a joy to behold.

As aintgonna has said, the word itself has no power other than what you give it, keeping. Similarly, we are not our thoughts and they can only have power over us if we enslave ourselves to them.

Sorry - my post should have read 'according power it does not have'.

You have what would could suggested to be 'external locus of control' which means that you feel that you are not in control of your life, your emotions, your view of yourself. You feel like things happen to you and you are not in control of you, your life or how you respond.

You can be. It takes time but you can

I'm not going to actually do anything bad, but I am feeling suicidal again. I just needed to type it.
My dds are right in my face, asking what is wrong. I might have to explode because there is nothing I want more right now than to be alone and slipping out of consciousness.

How old are your DD's?
Thank goodness you have them, that your love for them is bigger than this. So you go on.

Could you end the day and go to bed?
I notice you go to church, could you listen to a podcast or some soaking music? My heart goes out to you.

I've never really understood what a podcast is!

Dds are 12 and 14.

It's a recording of a broadcast I think? Have you tried guided meditations or relaxation music?

I wonder if you could say something age appropriate to DD's? I have no idea what though.
As they know something is wrong already. It might ease their minds to have a reason.

As pp mentioned, there is always Samaritans. You are not alone.

www.themeditationpodcast.com/

It does make me feel crap when someone tries to logic me out of the word problem. It is a severe debilitating phobia, albeit an unusual one (o n o m a t o phobia).

It is worse than a trigger. I can get triggered by various things, but this is different. That word is tangible. It attacks me and draws attention to me if spoken in front of other people. It batters me down. It drains all my ability to speak properly or concentrate. It makes me zone out of reality. It makes my body weak. It makes me hold my breath and clam up.

I can cope with the word in another language than English and I can cope with euphemisms. I realise it is illogical. All phobias are illogical though. I have been this way since 1997.

km. I have name changed to post this as I've never disclosed my occupation on mn. I have lurked on your thread since you first posted and I think you have been very brave to get this far. I have been a police officer for more than 28 years years and I do not believe that the DC was 'testing' you whilst on the phone. It is wrong of anyone, however well meaning, to state that this is the case when they don't know for sure. I do not know why the DC would have used the word when she knew of your aversion to it, but I cannot believe it was to test you. Like her, I believe you. I find it strange that that this matter has not been referred to CPS as I believe sexual offences are ALWAYS sent to a RASSO (Rxxx and sexual offences officer) at CPS for a decision. This is always the case in West Yorkshire.
I urge you to ask the DC if the case has gone/will be going to CPS and also to mention to her the use of the word. You have nothing to be afraid of. i know you said previously that you are grateful for the help the police have given you, but this is our job. To serve the public. I promise that she will not mind you asking any questions and she will not think any less of you for asking.
I understand why she has pointed out potential 'weaknesses' in the case, as that is her responsibility to any victim.
Feel free to pm me if you like although I don't know how that works with name changes, but I will keep this name till tomorrow afternoon just to be sure.
I wish you well and sorry for the lengthy post

RASSO = Rxxx and Serious Sexual offences unit