I know it's late, but anyone there to console me? I am feeling sick to the stomach that I probably won't get justice :( (Trigger warning)

[keepingmum121]

Anyone there? I need to splurge.

I just received an email from the police :(

First she bullet pointed a whole load of inconsistencies (all of which I have an answer to). Then it ended with:

"When a case is examined in close detail and undermining issues such as these identified above are laid bare, it makes for difficult reading and the last thing I want to do is to cause you further upset [my name].

Cases are very rarely cut and dried - because we are dealing with a human element, - and we sometimes do have some issues that we have to find an explanation for.
Any one of the above issues would cause a ‘consent’ case difficulties but there are not just one or two unfortunately - there are numerous and it is far too much for us to overcome.
When taking into account the issue of consent, from your own evidence there are far too many elements of doubt.
This is not to say that it didn’t happen or that you are not believed. All I can deal with here is the evidential facts.

I know this is not the outcome you either wanted or expected for which I’m sorry, and I appreciate you may find it difficult to accept but there will be no further review of your case."

In short, I did not help myself because:

1. I didn't accuse him harshly enough and my efforts to not hurt his feelings have made it look as though I'm not consistent.

2. The first person I spoke to (very shortly afterwards) I didn't tell her directly what had happened. In fact, I was still in a state of confusion and hadn't retrieved memories/clarity. Plus, the only reason I told her was because she is a GP and I needed advice. She is not an easy person to talk about these things with anyway. If I feel shame, she adds to it (without necessarily meaning to)

3. I ended up cooperating

Also on a few points, they have actually misunderstood bare facts.

Just reading it is making me want to weep because looking at it I am almost doubting my own memories. Maybe he really thought he had consent. BUT HE DIDN'T! He heard me and he felt me push him, I am certain. I have destroyed my own case.

I'm so sorry, KM. I wish I had knowledge or experience to say something helpful, but I don't. I am so very very sorry.

Please don't torment yourself - HE KNEW DAMN WELL HE DIDN'T HAVE YOUR CONSENT and that's the reason why he did it. It's what he does because it's how he gets his perverted rocks off and he's done it before and he will do it again.

As there are rarely witnesses to these type of crimes they are notoriously difficult to prove and, far from having destroyed your own case, you are merely one of many, many thousands this year who will be told that no further action will be taken.

KM, I am sorry it was not the answer you were looking for.

You have not done "anything wrong". You have not "destroyed your own case" - it doesn't work like that. It is what it is.

The fact there are inconsistencies does not make your account untrue, it means that there are hurdles towards a successful prosecution.

Can I tell you how I would view this if I was asked to prosecute this? (As I could easily have been).

Inconsistencies alone don't necessarily bother me (they bother the police a lot more, interestingly - as a barrister I generally take the view that juries are smarter than that).

But what would bother me - a lot - would be your ability to withstand a trial and the possible "not guilty" verdict.

Defence barristers in rape cases are much better these days (indeed, there are moves afoot to make us all go on compulsory vulnerable witness training. I have done it voluntarily, as have man others).

But the fact is - they will not be required to avoid the word you hate so much. They would have to say things that would upset you - it is inevitable.

As the prosecuting barrister, I have a duty of care to you. The last thing I would want to do is to make your suffering worse - and I fear the trial experience would do just that.

There are other options - I have done a few civil claims where women are suing their attackers. The standard of proof in the civil courts is lower (balance of probabilities). But it is a trial process like any other, and there are costs involved.

There is time for that later -for now, I wish you peace and healing now.

I don't usually swear. But:

THAT FUCKING BASTARD is going to carry on living normally in my town, shopping in my high street, waving and smiling at MY friends, attending my church.

I could scream. I didn't know that the truth would not prevail. I told the entire truth, including things that I know would make me look like a naive idiot. I left nothing out. But my reaction to what he did, both at the time and straight afterwards were unhelpful to proving what he did. It is all because I was already messed up. THAT FUCKING SHIT knew my troubles. He took advantage.

I suppose some people are just easier to target than others.

Finally!! Despite the sertraline, I cried this morning for the first time in possibly years. I mean, real proper snotty, red-blotchy-faced sobbing.

I just need to try to forget. I don't want counselling. I don't want this to be real.

But before I force this out of my head forever, I need answers to some of my questions. I have replied to the email but not sent it to the police. There is no point. All I will do now is to assure them I have accepted their decision but request one last meeting (and I will try to take someone to support me by making notes) to put to rest my questions.

Thank you for your kind messages and flowers. They mean such a lot to me.
I expect this thread will just die off now. There will probably be nothing more to add and there is only so much ranting from me you can all put up with.

How pathetic am I?!

I just sent an email to the DC to request a meeting to discuss my concerns. Got an auto reply that she's in Crown Court next week so not picking up emails. I feel ENVIOUS of whoever is getting their chance to get justice! So messed up. Whoever she (or he) is, they'll be probably shitting themselves right now. Me, I just can't believe that I'll be denied to chance to try.

I should pull myself together and stop being so selfish :(

You're not being pathetic and you're not being selfish.

The police have given you written reasons why they do not intend to proceed with your case and you deserve to have them explained to you in person and be afforded the opportunity to express your views about the decision that has been made.

Hopefully, the DC will get back to you after her court duty.

I think I may be going insane. What shall I do? I can't concentrate on anything. My brain refuses to give me a break from all the raging emotions. This may kill me :(
I'm sorry to vent. No need to reply.

This is NOT going to kill you - it's powerless to do anything to you unless you let it.

Tell your brain to desist and next time it presents a negative thought, feeling, or emotion which torments you, simply counteract it by visualising your favourite scene or recalling an experience which caused you to laugh out loud.

It'll be light for another couple of hours. The trees are in full leaf and a profusion of flowers are in glorious bloom. Can you go outdoors and fill your mind and senses with the images and scents of a fine summer evening?

It's not going to kill you NC.

How's the counselling going?

KM

I've just read your thread from start to finish and it was an absolute emotional roller coaster just to read - let alone experience it as you are.

I've been where you are, the despair and terrible hurt. I just want to say I have gone on to make a life for myself after the horrendous experience. It is possible. There is hope, no matter how bleak life is at the moment. Please keep talking on here and to those around you. Lots of people are here to help you through this.

It is a lovely evening but my 12 yo wouldn't want to be left home alone (and the 14 yo is out). Otherwise a walk would have been a good idea. I love walking and cycling.

Re the counselling, I am on a waiting list. That appointment the other week was only an assessment. I don't feel like I'll want it, but will see when they contact me again.

tiptops, thank you for reading through and responding. Each person who shows an ounce of caring really helps me because I just feel dumped by the wayside by the police.