I know it's late, but anyone there to console me? I am feeling sick to the stomach that I probably won't get justice :( (Trigger warning)

[keepingmum121]

Anyone there? I need to splurge.

Justtotellyou, I think if you recieve a PM addressed to you in Name1, while you're logged in under Name2, then the 'post' box under the PM box gives you a choice of 'send from Name1' which you can change to Name2. If not, it's easy enough to switch back to Name1, send the Pm, and then go back to Name2.

Thank you Jux. I waited up just in case but will now have to retire. I'll check back in tomorrow.

I see no responders telling the OP ignore the word she is phobic about, BlackRider. On the contrary, my suggestion is that that she should 'own' the word by recognising that she has power over it rather than it having power over her.

There are many self-help programmes on the internet which can be used to alleviate or cure the crippling effect of phobias and bringing about de-sensitisation by gradually increasing exposure to what is most feared is a recognised form of therapy, as is hypnosis.

When your thoughts have you longing to slip into unconsciousness, keeping, make a conscious decision to visualise people/objects/scenes/paintings etc which give you pleasure or re-live occasions which you found enjoyable and see/hear/smell what you experienced at the time.

Alternatively, practise meditation until you can watch your thoughts unfold from a place where you are detached from whatever emotions you may associate with them. As you begin to comprehend that thoughts in themselves have no power to hurt you, you will also come to appreciate that any feelings you may associate with them can only cause you distress if you allow them to do so.

As I have at no time suggested that all the OP "has to do is 'own' her phobia", it appears you have misinterpreted my response (above) BlackRider, and if you read my earlier contributions to this thread you'll see that I have at times suggested various coping mechanisms in the hope that, abeit temporarily, she could find some relief from her obvious despair at the slow rate with which the wheels of the law grind and, more recently, at being told she would not obtain the justice she was hoping for.

In saying that our thoughts can only cause distress if allowed to do so, I am most definitely not implying that how the OP, or any other victim of serious crime for that matter, is feeling is her own fault - rather, I am again endeavouring to give her a means by which to negate her thoughts of the s word which can be as triggering for some as the r word is for her.

The best part of 20 years is a very long time to have suffered onomatophobia in relation to a certain word, keeping, and if the assessment you attended on Thursday did not mention the possibility of cognitive behavioural therapy being offered to you, I would suggest you ask your GP to refer you for a NHS assessment as to whether you would benefit from this particular therapy which is also used in the treatment of phobias.

Hello all. It's keepingmum's RL friend here again. Thank you all again for taking the time to try and help, and offering your knowledge and own experiences. I can't say how sorry I am that so many people on this thread have gone through something similar.

Keeping has asked me to let you know that she's going to take a break from posting because she's finding that the number of differing perspectives being put forward - and the discussion of her phobia - are currently adding to her sense of overwhelm and distress. Of course this wasn't what anybody intended at all - she realises that and is grateful for everyone's support, and hopes to come back. In the meantime she's working on how best to communicate her concerns and questions to the DC.

This thread shouldn't even need to exist, should it? Thank you again, all.

On fora such as this there will always be differences of perspective and opinion regardless of the subject matter, but there is no-one here who doesn't unreservedly believe keeping's account of the serious crime that was perpetrated against her.

Perhaps you could print out this thread and highlight those pieces of advice/information which you think may be of special or specific help to her, Same, and give consideration to pm-ing justto as to the most expedient way of communicating keeping's concerns and questions to the DC.

Good points (both paragraphs), goddess, thank you. And excellent name btw.

Cheers, Same - it was the first of many to be accepted because my favourite names had already been registered by others

Please give my regards to keeping and assure her that all here will be thinking of her and sending positive vibes her way.

Yes, do let her know that we are thinking of her, do believe her, and will be here for her if she wants us in the future. If you think that will be helpful to her, of course! But no pressure.

Thank you Blackrider
I have 'spoken' to km through pm and tried to answer some of her questions. She has agreed for me to let you all know this.

I have advised her that she needs to contact the officer and discuss exactly what decision has been made about this offence, and by whom. Only when she has a full understanding of the facts so far, will she then know how best to proceed and what decisions she can take.

When making my suggestion I had it mind that a police officer could reach out to another in an almost neighbouring force on behalf of a particularly distressed victim merely to ascertain whether the case had been referred to the CPS and, if not, whether it had been marked NC (no crime) or NFA (no further action).

It seems to me that entering into another conversation with the DC is likely to lead to a repeat of the one keeping had last Tuesday which served to cause her considerable distress.

In any event, imo keeping is best advised to make her enquiry and elicit a response in writing in order that she has a written record should she wish to request a review if, as would seem to be the case, the file has not been referred to the CPS.

Hello, I'm back. Feeling very fragile and just about managing to put one foot in front of the other.

I thank you all for your support. I'm sorry I went off before. I couldn't deal with this. Well, I still can't.

The current situation is that last Wednesday I emailed the DC to ask her to email to me the reasons (bullet pointed) for not pursuing my case. (By the way, from what she told me before it is NFA, definitely not NC.) I want a response to that email (which I have not yet received) before I ask the multitude of further questions that I've been jotting down.

I plan to ask her directly why she used that word, but I have not done yet.

I have also arranged to speak to someone from the Topaz Centre and also someone from victim support to see if there is anyone who could assist me if I need a face to face meeting with the DC. I can never concentrate properly when stressed so would need someone to take notes for me. Also, they could help find out what my options are.

Just a thorough explanation from the police would help me come to terms with this. I hate that I have to see him around in my town and at my church. Just the other day I was walking with a friend and he cycled past and smiled and waved at her. He's taking the piss.

I have more to get off my chest, but will post in a separate message so it doesn't get too long!

'Fragile' is no more than can be expected at the moment, keeping, but continuing to put one foot in front of another and getting help from Topaz and Victim Support will enable you to move forward to a better place mentally.

I hope you get a response to your email soon and that your attacker moves away from your town, otherwise you will have constant reminders when you go to church and at other times when you least expect it.

If, as seems probable. the police have decided not to refer your file to the CPS, your only recourse is ask your regional police authority to review the decision but there's no guarantee they will overturn it.

Alternatively, you could give consideration to pursuing your attacker through the civil courts but you will need to seek legal advice as to the viability and the cost of doing so and, again, there would be no guarantee of success.

Have you thought about mounting a one-woman campaign to make sure that as many women as possible are aware of what they may be letting themselves in for if they entertain him? If so, bear in mind that this should only be done by word of mouth rather than through twitter, facebook and other social media sites.

On the other hand you could write your story, or tell it to a journalist, for publication in a women's mag or similar - neither your name or his will appear but if, for example, it's shown to come from anonymous of your town/county it may serve to prevent another woman suffering as you've done.

You may find some consolation from knowing that the information you've given on this thread may have already caused a woman living near to you to think twice about that 'nice man' who seems so respectful she was thinking of inviting him into her home.

Onwards is upwards, keeping. It may be slow progress but you will eventually be able to get your life back on track.

I'm all out of fight. I can't expose him because that would mean exposing myself as a victim. I hate the expression 'my attacker/your attacker'. It's the possessive pronoun I can't bear. He is not 'mine' and he never was. I know it is only an expression. Words have a huge effect on me I suppose that explains the phobia.

When he does it again to someone else, I hope they report him. That way we can nail it in court (I hope).

The mere thought that the police can see his guilt but still can't charge him...it makes me feel like I'm going out of my mind. Why do other people get a charge but not me, despite a lot of evidence? It is not fair!

On another note, I was talking to an acquaintance today who was telling me about her abusive husband. He has now been arrested for threatening to kill her and she also then told me that there were occasions he did to her that thing I can't say. I feel so bad because I couldn't hear it. I wish she would tell someone else, not me. She even said she might name me as a 'witness' (as in someone she disclosed to). I can't face it. I did manage to express my aversion to that word, which of course made her desperate to ask questions (because by so doing I had effectively made it known that I am also a victim). I can't take this. I can't help myself, let alone anyone else! What if the same DC is assigned her case? The crapness of this is almost too unbelievable to be true, yet it is!!

Anyone about?

Have you heard back from the DC? As I recall, it's been over a week since you spoke to her and subsequently emailed her.

Nothing yet. But that is normal for her. These last six months I feel like I have done nothing but wait to hear the next update from her.

I spoke to a topaz worker today. She is going to ask as well on my behalf but she did also say that the police pretty much never overturn their decision.

I am so so distraught. I put everything into this process. It cost me so much emotionally. I want nothing more now than to speak out what he did in court. Why not me?

It won't be long until they tell him. He'll get his phone and computer back and he'll go off to celebrate that he is free.

Need to rant :( I am unable to believe the injustice. I can't live with this. Why does he get to hurt me and use me as though I am nothing, then just get away with it?

Is there any way I can do my own detective work? There was a nurse who apparently once 'falsely' accused him of something sexual. She had given him a lift home and he assaulted her in the car. He told me about this (saying that it was not true). As far as I know, she only complained to the hospital where they worked and did't report to the police. I don't know how long ago or which city this was. How can I find her? The police won't even try.

Then there is an ex wife who ran away from him. I know her name and the town she lives in. Would it be a bad thing to try to ask her what happened to her in their marriage?

Need to DO something but don't want to destroy the tiny chance I have of bringing him to justice. I don't want to do anything that draws attention to me in any kind of public way though.

At risk of causing you further distress or offence, given your phobia do you consider that if the case went to trial you would be capable of withstanding cross-examination by defence counsel who, having picked up on your aversion to hearing certain words/phrases, will take every opportunity to use them?

From what you've said, these certain words and phrases have the mentally disabling effect of sending you into another 'zone' and rendering you incapable of concentrating your mind on what is being said to you and, should this occur, it may be that you would not be able to continue giving evidence.

In addition, all of the evidence held by the prosecution will be disclosed to the defence prior to the trial date providing ample time for the perpetrator to manufacture an account which may portray you in the worst possible light and you may not be able to easily refute what is said if you are traumatised by your phobia.

If it were to go to trial it could be another 9 or more months before the case is heard in the Crown Court, by which time you would have spent 15 months worrying over the outcome and I have no doubt you'd be devastated if the verdict went against you.

As distressing as it has been for you to learn that the police will not be taking any further action, it would no doubt be infinitely more so if a jury returned a verdict of not guilty.

If he hasn't been told already, as you rightly surmise the perpetrator will be advised that no further action will be taken against him and this is an additional reason why it is highly unlikely that the police will overturn their decision should you request that it be reviewed.

This isn't what you want to hear but, neverthless, you are best advised to work towards attaining a modicum of the peace of mind which will come from accepting that the decision made in this matter was entirely out your hands and that there was nothing you could do, or could have done, to have influenced or changed this outcome.

I just can't help but to want to take it further. Nothing feels worse to me than letting him get away so easily.

Why do other people get the chance and not me? I feel like a victim all over again.

When I first met the DC and she was explaining the procedure in court, I remember her telling me that they can be instructed not to use that word and that the defense would look bad in the eyes of the jury if they were too heavy handed on me.

I have good evidence. Why are they doing this? Do they hate me? Did I deserve it? Maybe they only pretended to believe me.