Can I ask how a 'normal' person would feel about this minor thing?

[twirlypoo]

I feel a total idiot asking this, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself on track and need someone who has healthy relationships what they would do/ feel.

Quick background: I have always had abusive / ea relationships. Last one ended 4 yrs ago when I was pregnant, and I tried really hard with a years psychotherapy to sort out my reactions / self esteem so it doesn't happen again.

I've just started dating again after aforementioned 4 years break and have met up with lovely guy who's a friend of a friend. We are on date 4, and I really like him but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

Ds sees his dad once a month for the day and it's the only break I really get. I'd arranged to meet new guy on sat when Ds with his dad. We were meeting lunch time out then going back to his to watch films and get a take away on the evening.

He texted me last night to say he had been asked to watch football with his mates and now wouldn't be free till 5pm.

I feel really hurt like he's got a better offer and have replied quite breezily saying not to worry and I'll pass on seeing him and just meet my friends instead (a lie, I'd do housework ) and he says that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.

Am I right in what I did or am I over reacting? In the past I would have just said no probs I'll see you at 6 or something, but I'm trying to have self esteem and value my time.

Am I being a princess or was I right in reacting the way I did?

Sorry for massive post. I've been trying to figure this out since last night! (In case it's a factor, I do really want to see him, but not if its wrong thing!)

Or, what ZackHunt said in two lines while I was composing the massive screed above!

Can't stand The Rules, fwiw.

Just follow your instincts and keep doing what you're doing. Value yourself, and people will come into your life who will take that further.

I think you did the right thing.

It's arrogant of him to decide that it's okay for him to decide that he doesn't want to meet you at lunchtime but that it's not okay for you to decide that you don't want to meet him at 5pm.

He wants you to respect his choice but won't respect yours. That's not a good sign.

Plus, her reaction was casual - she said "that's fine I'll just do something else." It's not like she got angry or told him she wasn't going to see him again, she just said she'd carry on and sort herself out. All casual, all fine. It was he then that got pissy with her telling she'd overreacted. What an arsehole! Fine, change plans but don't expect everyone else to wait around for you and don't get annoyed if they understandably decide to do other things!

You did the right thing. He got a "better offer" and binned you off. If you come 2nd place to football/mates/the pub at this stage then you are unlikely to be promoted at a later date imo.

Hence his response that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.

'I'm blowing you out - you hang on for two hours until I can make it, oh you want to do your own thing, well that's an over reaction. I just wanted you to hang around waiting for me. It makes me feel like a man, telling my mates my new bird is waiting for me, and I'll go see her when I am good and ready'.

That was a perfect reaction. He had he had it planned; footy, food and a shag.
You should never allow a man to not take you seriously.
I know it's harsh but he is not relationship material.

You did the right thing, absolutely 100%

I've always been pretty lucky with relationships and don't think I have massive issues there (who knows!!) and I would be pissed off. Just as I would with a friend who casually told me they have a better offer now and could I hang around until they were free. Err, no!

Main points (to me)

• it's early days, he should be MUCH more excited at the thought of lunch and butterflies in the tum as you hold hands in the cinema than a footy match. He's not. So, big sign that he's not as into it as you - except possibly as a shag. Sorry, but it IS.

• It's rude to cancel. Full stop. A keeper wouldn't do this - a good friend wouldn't either. Dropping you because he'd rather do something else, once plans are made? Rude rude rude.

• He'll be free from 5? So - um, up for a shag, just not the preamble? Fuck off.

• Biggest issue for me: his response. He knew in advance that what he had done was out of order, because he referred to it in his text, right? So it's not like he genuinely thought he had done nothing wrong. However, when you made your objection, his response was to tell you that you were overreacting. So, his attitude is that if he does something wrong, he expects you to either accept it OR just show mild annoyance, but not to actually sanction his behaviour in any way. Your response should meet with his approval. Maybe just a quick moan is allowed, but nothing more? Again, fuck that... and also get to fuck with the notion that HE gets to decide what kind of reaction from you is ok. He's already showing you that his underlying attitude is that you are somehow lesser, manageable, not worthy of a huge amount of respect. Your response is up to you and there's no reason on earth why it should meet with his approval. A person who ultimately respected that would have thought 'Fuck, I've pissed her off' and SAID something like 'Oh right, err, that's fine, up to you.' Not the dismissive, why-can't-you-indulge-me-what's-wrong-with-you-I-come-first response of 'You're overreacting'. HOW FUCKING RUDE!

4 dates in? - Move on!

I think it's getting a little vitriolic now.

He tried it on (having thought it through with all the logical implications or not) and was rebuffed. I'd be inclined to move forward behaving as if nothing's wrong (because, well, nothing IS wrong atm - you've behaved perfectly reasonably) and keep an eye on him for future signs of inconsiderate/entitled behaviour. If he does something like this again then he's an arse and you don't need him in your life; if in future he reschedules well in advance, apologises and accepts your response like a normal person, then he may be worth keeping around.

What will you do if he says "ok, I'll do what we first arranged and I'll blow my mates and the football off"?

Accommodate him, even though you've mentioned going out with your own friends?

Or will you say "it's too late now, I'm not going to disappoint my friends"?

I wouldn't bother with this guy any more....

If he's treating you like this after only 4 dates, it can only get worse.

Yea, it's all about him. "I get to change our plans and you don't have the right to question it".

NEXT!

You did the right thing - I probably would have said ok I'll meet you later - but reading this that would be the wrong thing to do!

I'm on a 4th date tomorrow & we're planning a takeaway & a night in too so I can relate!

He has no idea how hard it is when you have children & your time is precious - hope you've managed to make plans with some friends.

Its not vitriolic being very firm about boundaries. The OP Said she has been in abusive relationships and was unsure if he was right in saying she was overreacting.
Someone saying you are overreacting when they are the ones out of order...just stay well clear.

God you have soooo done the right thing. If its any help after 6 years of being single bringing up my very small daughters I finally met a really good 'un.

But although I thought I was better after all the EA, I discovered I really had a lot of other issues too. So I did the freedom program at the beginning of my relationship with DP (who must have thought I was barking) and he happily answered all my odd questions. It brought up lots of interesting points for discussion too on view points. So definitely worth doing online at the very least.

He has never ever put a date with me second to anything.

No turbonerd, I think the op totally did the right thing! It's the progressive character assassination that usually follows on MN that gets me down.

OP: Am IBU or is he an arse?
All: He's an arse
OP: Right, I thought so, thanks guys
Some posters: In fact he's a colossal wanker and probably EATS KITTENS

It's the last bit that makes me question the validity of advice given by previously normal-sounding posters.....

Well he might eat kittens.

He has certainly got one thing 100% right – this is why he’s still single!

My first thought was, it’s only date 4, nothing too serious, no big deal, he doesn’t yet appreciate how precious your free time really is. Then I read the “over-reacting” comment and my opinion changed totally. I agree with those saying he’s testing you as doormat material and it’s a huge red flag. I’d also assumed he was going to a match rather than watching it on TV in the pub. Tickets to the FA cup final = good reason to cancel 4th date (to me- but some other women might not think so, in which case, fine.) Pub with mates = insufficient reason. The match is a red herring - he would already have known it was on when he arranged the date. It's pub with mates that's the big attraction.

BertPuttocks has it, in a nutshell:
It's arrogant of him to decide that it's okay for him to decide that he doesn't want to meet you at lunchtime but that it's not okay for you to decide that you don't want to meet him at 5pm.

He wants you to respect his choice but won't respect yours. That's not a good sign.

That's true, loispuddinglane. I hadn't considered that.

I think you have done the right thing.

He seems to be showing double standards.

I am going to change our date so I can meet up with mates for the footie = fine.

You ok let's not worry about it I will see mates instead = overreacting.

You did the right thing, absolutely.

My ex was always late - because he only ever thought about HIM.

My current bloke was late arriving at my house for no good reason. By the time he got here, I'd gone out. He had to grovel for a looonnnnggg time to be forgiven.

Now he's always on time - bar when there was a road closure, and then he couldn't text me fast enough to let me know and apologise.

Manners maketh man.

Hello everyone,

I'm just between clients so have skim read. Thank you all for taking the time to reply

He has sent me a message just now saying he is free until 4pm do I want to come over to his now.... I've replied being a bit childish saying you choose football over me then expect me to come running? (I said it jokingly) and he has replied, "apologies, i'll make it up to you!" he has then asked again if I want to come over now so I have said no thanks but I hope he has a nice day.... he has just messaged back after a long pause, "I have a feeling I'm in bother"

I am going to sign up for the freedom program tonight. I don't think that I am maybe equipped for relationships after all. It hasn't been long but I am already a bit hurt and have given it too much head space - and that would only get worse the longer I had been seeing him. I will read up the books you have all been recommending too - thank you so much for those.

Right, I had best get back to work. I've been distracted all day and its bothering me how bothered I am by this. I am maybe not robust enough if he has taken up so much of my thoughts?

Wine tonight

Ok, so he is now grovelling - I have said that I was hurt and annoyed that I was dropped for a better offer. He has replied saying it wasn't a better offer, it just hadn't occurred to him that he couldn't do both. I've reiterated I only get a sitter once a month and so when I make plans I stick to them.

I don't know what to do with this update!

I should add, we have seen each other over the course of the last month - I saw him when DS dad was over last time, then twice when I have skivved work (being self employed is useful at times!) Don't know if that makes a difference.

Can I suggest that if you like this guy you get to know him a bit better before you dump him? He clearly doesn't really know how you tick yet after only four dates.you like him, he likes you. He doesn't understand what he's done wrong because he doesn't get the fact that your day off is so important.

Fgs go out with him tomorrow evening and I mean out, for dinner and spend five minutes max explaining why you were hurt and then leave it.

If he does it again then move on but really, give him a break, he can't understand unless you tell him. After such a short time he hasn't got to know you. I say text him and ask if he's free for dinner tomorrow after his match and joke it had better be nice since he dumped you for footie. Then explain. Say it seriously but no sulking and then get on with having fun.x

Sorry, cross posted.

Well let him make it up to you the next time you meet up. Leave it now for today and tomorrow. I think he has got the message.