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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ask how a 'normal' person would feel about this minor thing?

277 replies

twirlypoo · 15/05/2015 06:49

I feel a total idiot asking this, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself on track and need someone who has healthy relationships what they would do/ feel.

Quick background: I have always had abusive / ea relationships. Last one ended 4 yrs ago when I was pregnant, and I tried really hard with a years psychotherapy to sort out my reactions / self esteem so it doesn't happen again.

I've just started dating again after aforementioned 4 years break and have met up with lovely guy who's a friend of a friend. We are on date 4, and I really like him but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

Ds sees his dad once a month for the day and it's the only break I really get. I'd arranged to meet new guy on sat when Ds with his dad. We were meeting lunch time out then going back to his to watch films and get a take away on the evening.

He texted me last night to say he had been asked to watch football with his mates and now wouldn't be free till 5pm.

I feel really hurt like he's got a better offer and have replied quite breezily saying not to worry and I'll pass on seeing him and just meet my friends instead (a lie, I'd do housework Grin) and he says that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.

Am I right in what I did or am I over reacting? In the past I would have just said no probs I'll see you at 6 or something, but I'm trying to have self esteem and value my time.

Am I being a princess or was I right in reacting the way I did?

Sorry for massive post. I've been trying to figure this out since last night! (In case it's a factor, I do really want to see him, but not if its wrong thing!)

OP posts:
Hathall · 15/05/2015 07:13

The early days can also set the dynamics of the relationship so stick to your guns and keep on valuing yourself.

silveracorn · 15/05/2015 07:13

You did the right thing. It's date four. He's testing you as doormat material. (He may not know consciously that's what he's doing but he is.) His actions say: 'You are low priority. Accept it.' You didn't. Good for you. Then he challenged you on it. That was a test too, to see if you meant it or not. It's interesting that he thinks it's OK for him to change his plans but when you do too he says you're over reacting. One rule for him but another (lower status) rule for you? No way. That's the behaviour of a jerk.

Stick to your plans. But do arrange to go out with mates. Don't stay in doing housework. You never know. You might meet a man who treats you well. I am 100% sure you reacted healthily and I think posters who think this is OK at the very start of a relationship have lower self esteem than you have worked to get. Be confident you did the right thing.

Fairylea · 15/05/2015 07:13

I'd be pissed off too.

In the early days he should be so swept off his feet thinking you that everything else seems utterly boring by comparison. He should be desperate to spend the whole day with you - sod the football!

I spent many years post divorce dating fuck wits who were selfish twats and spent far too long trying to analyse their behaviours when really they just weren't good enough. When I finally met my now dh he was so keen and loving and attentive I realise that's what I should have been expecting all along.

loveyoutothemoon · 15/05/2015 07:14

I'd be seriously annoyed. Stick to your guns. Don't meet him.

nellorr · 15/05/2015 07:14

He wants to watch the football... It's almost the end of the season and there's some crucial games.

DocHollywood · 15/05/2015 07:14

The trouble with texting is that you write something light and breezy and they read it as a huff or overreaction. You can't beat a proper conversation! I think you replied perfectly but he may have misinterpreted it. Horrible word for him to use though, overreacting, it's up to you how you feel and anyway, you weren't.

FenellaFellorick · 15/05/2015 07:19

I wouldn't hang around waiting for the time he decided he was free. If he'd made plans with you and then said hey, just wait right there for me, I don't think it's unreasonable of you to say actually, I won't. You hang out with your friends, that's fine, and I'll make other plans and we'll see each other another day. but what I won't do is stop in, waiting.

I know how watching footie with the mates goes. 5 becomes 6 becomes 7 becomes hey just one more pint mate becomes staggering in at 10pm expecting fun bedtime!

If he is expecting that he can make plans with you, then say nah, I'll do this instead, and that you just wait until he decides he can slot you in, then I think it's important that you let him know right now that that's not how it works. Not in a diva like way, just in a calm assertive way tell him that that doesn't work for you.

It's not that you should be the centre of his universe or anything Grin but it's bad form of him to boot you to the back of the queue and expect you to accept that without comment, particularly since you only see him once a month. One day a month and he says wait for me I'm going to watch footy first. He should be saying yay, haven't seen her for a month, really looking forward to hanging out.

Jackw · 15/05/2015 07:20

Yes, stick to your guns and don't see him this time. If he's keen, he'll know not to cancel arrangements with you in future unless it's for something more important than watching football with his mates. And don't bother trying to explain. He knows, he's just seeing what he can get away with.

When in doubt, the best thing is to think about how you would treat other people. So if you wouldn't cancel an arrangement unless absolutely necessary, then you want to be with someone who has the same attitude. People do have different attitudes about these things but you are looking for someone who will make you happy and that is going to be someone who has similar values to you.

SanityClause · 15/05/2015 07:20

I agree with Auusiemum. This doesn't mean he's a bad person. It just means he's not that into you.

i can imagine the scenario - he'll be a bit worse for wear, having been drinking all afternoon. He might be late, having lost track of the time (and already having demonstrated he places his friends ahead of you) and he'll rock up expecting sex.

If you don't want to be a fuck buddy, don't be one!

And have some Flowers.

I'm sure you will meet someone that cares enough about you to put you above his mates and the footy, but this guy isn't the one.

silveracorn · 15/05/2015 07:20

nellorr then he shouldn't have said he was free. If he's not so smitten after three dates that she holds more appeal than a match he can watch later then he's just not that into her. Or he's testing for a doormat. She did the right thing. Six months or a year into the relationship fine (DH changed our wedding date because it clashed with a match) but not at the start.

Bakeoffcake · 15/05/2015 07:21

I think you've done the right thing too.
You've had 4 dates, you should both be really looking forward to seeing each other.
I also don't like his reaction, he should be apologising for going off to the football at such short notice, instead he's turned it round to commenting on your reaction.
Congrats on thinking about it all, and trying to do the right thing for yourself.

BalloonSlayer · 15/05/2015 07:22

I also think you did absolutely the right thing.

You are sending a clear message - do not piss me around and expect me to sit waiting for you. You have not over-reacted.

The two of you arranged a day together starting at lunchtime. He has now cancelled five hours of that. You have found something else to do instead that means you can't see him at all. OH dear! Grin If he has a problem with that he has only himself to blame because he cancelled half of your arrangement.

Did he expect you to find something else to do for five hours before breathlessly waiting for him to come home to you? Of course he did. He needs to be cured of this misapprehension and fast.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 15/05/2015 07:24

Thank you all so much - my gut feeling was that I wanted him to want to see me, so changing the time was just a signal that he's not that into me. Which id rather know now so I don't get hurt.

I know it's not a big deal breaker as such, but I feel like I need to stand up for myself now so that my standards of expected behaviour don't slip, never mind anyone else's. Does that make sense? I don't want to end up how I was before by accepting slightly less each time.

Thank you all - I should have posted this last night and saved my self an evening of debate! ThanksWine

OP posts:
Lipgloss74 · 15/05/2015 07:24

Sorry I misunderstood your original posts you've had sex too,lay the law down x

Bakeoffcake · 15/05/2015 07:27

Sorry xposted with your last post.

I presumed he'd got tickets to watch the footy! He's actually only going to the pub! He could record the match and watch later- he's a prat! And the fact he knows he was being cheeky as he said 'this is why I'm single'. He doesn't care even though he knows it would probably piss you off Sad

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/05/2015 07:27

A 4th date should never have been an all-day/all-night date anyway! It's just way too long. You should've arranged for lunch OR dinner, not both.

I really don't like his saying that you'd "overreacted". That's really quite cocky.

I'd make other (genuine) plans for Saturday now. Don't just do housework, please find something fun to do. If you can really get a girls night out, Thatd be ideal.

Lipgloss74 · 15/05/2015 07:28

Sorry I misunderstood your original posts you've had sex too,lay the law down x

silveracorn · 15/05/2015 07:28

Twirlypoo I've just read the full thread and seen your reply posts. you come over as very vulnerable and unsure of your right to be valued.

You did right to say you time was precious - it is.
You did right not to immediately be available afterwards - you are worth more than that.
You did not over react, you reacted. And your reaction was really healthy.

Call some mates, go out with them. I know you feel like seeing him, but don't. If you set your status as equal to his early on he'll treat you better. It doesn't mean he's abusive, but it does mean he needs to learn your worth which will never ever be lower than his own or his mates.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/05/2015 07:29

If you want to know how "normal" people think/feel/operate, read a great relationship book and follow it like a manual. I love The Rules and will defend it to the death (it gets slagged off on here). :)

FarOverTheRainbow · 15/05/2015 07:30

I think your reaction is reasonable too. I'd be a little hurt that we'd made plans then something better come along and you got put back until his other plans are finished then he's free for you so I don't think your over reacting and I'm quite suprised that he would message back saying that. What does he want you to do sit around and wait all day for him

MozzchopsThirty · 15/05/2015 07:31

Absolutely done the right thing

akaWisey · 15/05/2015 07:33

I think you're right to have responded the way you did .

It's a bit like the guy who rings/texts late on in the afternoon and asks you out that evening, isn't it? Of course you say "no, I've already made plans" even if you haven't because he needs to learn that he has to put a tad more effort in if he wants you to give some of your time to him.

I don't think this once is a definite red flag but this is about you valuing yourself and it takes practice outside the therapy room to do that Grin

Muddymits · 15/05/2015 07:34

I think your instincts are improving. He changed your plans so he could go to the pub with his mates. It wasn't something surprising and amazing that came up and he didn't ask you or talk about it he told you and expected you to wait around like you have nothing better to do. He then told you that you overreacted, again he decides because he is a myopic selfish arse as a partner even if tolerable as a friend.

turbonerd · 15/05/2015 07:34

No, you did not overreact. Please dump. If you have one free day a month and he changes plans to spend half down the pub with his mates AND gets arsey when you dont wait on tiptoes for when he maydeign to squeeze you into his busy social calendar, just no. It should not be hard work 3 dates in! Wait for the guy who can appreciate your time together.

cailindana · 15/05/2015 07:34

You absolutely did the right thing. It is incredibly rude to make plans then suddenly change them for no good reason (if it was due to an appointment or something fair enough but he's just decided not to bother so he can see friends) then expect you to just go along with a new arrangement and say you're 'overreacting' when you understandably say you'd rather not! What a total dick! Changing plans is bad enough but then criticising you for not reacting the way he wants is totally arrogant. He's not worth your time.

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