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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ask how a 'normal' person would feel about this minor thing?

277 replies

twirlypoo · 15/05/2015 06:49

I feel a total idiot asking this, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself on track and need someone who has healthy relationships what they would do/ feel.

Quick background: I have always had abusive / ea relationships. Last one ended 4 yrs ago when I was pregnant, and I tried really hard with a years psychotherapy to sort out my reactions / self esteem so it doesn't happen again.

I've just started dating again after aforementioned 4 years break and have met up with lovely guy who's a friend of a friend. We are on date 4, and I really like him but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

Ds sees his dad once a month for the day and it's the only break I really get. I'd arranged to meet new guy on sat when Ds with his dad. We were meeting lunch time out then going back to his to watch films and get a take away on the evening.

He texted me last night to say he had been asked to watch football with his mates and now wouldn't be free till 5pm.

I feel really hurt like he's got a better offer and have replied quite breezily saying not to worry and I'll pass on seeing him and just meet my friends instead (a lie, I'd do housework Grin) and he says that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.

Am I right in what I did or am I over reacting? In the past I would have just said no probs I'll see you at 6 or something, but I'm trying to have self esteem and value my time.

Am I being a princess or was I right in reacting the way I did?

Sorry for massive post. I've been trying to figure this out since last night! (In case it's a factor, I do really want to see him, but not if its wrong thing!)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/05/2015 07:35

You did right re this man.

Read the sticky at the top of the relationships pages as well.

Love your own self for a change. You do not need a man to validate your own existence.

I would also still work on you as you have always been in abusive relationships. For example did you ever do Womens Aid Freedom Programme. If not I would suggest you do this now (it can be done online as well).

I would ask yourself the question, "what did I learn about relationships when growing up?".

Did your dad leave or was violent?. You do not have to answer that of course but we do learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What did they teach you?. Counselling for your own self would be something worth considering again, I think it may be beneficial. Learn more about red flags, read the website entitled "baggage reclaim" and raise your relationship bar even higher than it is currently.

lougle · 15/05/2015 07:37

It's date four! Unless you've known each other as friends for some time, why should you be that 'into each other'? By date four, you're only just starting to get to know the other person, surely?

I think it's madness to expect this level of commitment after 4 dates. Ok, it would have been better to consult you fully and then you'd have a chance to explain the sanctity of your weekend off. So I would agree to a change this week and explain that another week you won't be so flexible because you value your time.

ShootPeppaPig · 15/05/2015 07:41

I agree with PP to read the book "The Rules" I would add...and follow them rigidly

After EA relationships you don't want an "ok or normal" one, you want/need an amazing one for it to work out long term. The rules would def have weeded out this guy!

Well done for not becoming his doormat!

GoatsDoRoam · 15/05/2015 07:42

You did the right thing.

However, I would be even more pissed off at his reaction saying that you are "overreacting"

He could just respect your decision, and react with awareness that if he isn't prioritising you, then you don't need to prioritise him. Instead, he's just further pressing on your boundaries.

FabULouse · 15/05/2015 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2015 07:44

I wouldn't let myself get treated as a back up plan he can just pick up on his own terms either

you did the right thing

if he is aware your main child free time is this one day a month, if he was really into you he would be all over you like a rash

instead he just wants to keep you for later for a shag when he has done the "real" socialising with the boys

I would consider this if not a red flag, at least a big fat clue about where he would place you in his priorities in the future

silveracorn · 15/05/2015 07:46

Don't be swayed by lougle's argument. Grin You did the right thing.

Daimgirl · 15/05/2015 07:46

I'm with sliver acorn etc here. This is not date 4 behaviour.

minkGrundy · 15/05/2015 07:47

I'd also bear in mind if you did meet him, he'd have been in the pub drinking all afternoon. Probably won't be sober. And he may well not leave on time.

Fair chance he'd be pissed and late.

In his head he is probably thinking he has a right to see his mates but actually the only way this would have been ok was if he had said the footy is on, my nates are watching it, do you fancy coming along too?

If he had acceptedyour decision, fair enough but the fact he has an issue with it, nah.

AlternativeTentacles · 15/05/2015 07:49

Its not about expecting a level of commitment - it is about knowing where you stand in the pecking order. Behind watching footie with his mates when he had already made plans is where the OP is here. Him wanting her to just hang around waiting on him to finish up having his fun. Its a huge 'i'm the boss'. Plus, there is no guarantee he will be out of the pub at five, and sober enough to be of any use.

OP- it is fab that you spotted this early on. Id be a bit wary about having a relationship with someone who ditched you for mates and then accused you of over-reacting. That is a word that i see on here time and again by people who want to behave as they wish and blame the other person for their recations.

musicalendorphins2 · 15/05/2015 07:50

You did the right thing. Really rude of him.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 15/05/2015 07:50

Right, you have all made me feel much more confident about how I left things (I had been contemplating a big back track this morning before I posted this)

I know it's only been 4 dates so expecting mega commitment isn't on, but I wouldn't change plans in friends in that manner either was what I was trying to base it on. My friend would be seriously annoyed if we were due to go out at lunch time and I said actually I'll meet you at 5 instead as I'm meeting another friend now.

I'll have a look at the freedom programme, thank you. My childhood was dysfunctional at best (posted at length under name changes) so I do know that's were my self esteem issues stem from. It's hard putting into practice the new standards you set though, which is why id been single so long!

I've got the rules already so I'll read that too. Thank you for all the suggestions. Now I just need to find something to do on sat so I'm not tempted to text him when I'm bored.

OP posts:
Original poster
twirlypoo · 15/05/2015 07:52

Thank you all so much for helping me with this. I am really grateful for everyone opinions Thanks

OP posts:
TyrannosaurusBex · 15/05/2015 08:00

Well done you, it's hard to put this stuff into practice. You're on the right track.

Beachlovingirl · 15/05/2015 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske · 15/05/2015 08:05

Absolutely the right thing to do, and I agree with PP above who said his assertion that you had overreacted was arrogant and not at all acceptable. If he's had a better offer then you're perfectly entitled to find a better offer for yourself as well. Never, ever sit around waiting for precious crumbs of time and attention thrown to you by a man.

Well done.

CinnabarRed · 15/05/2015 08:14

For footie in the pub I wouldn't be at all accommodating!

Bahh · 15/05/2015 08:21

silveracorn has just given me a lightbulb moment!

I was in an EA for five years and haven't sought any proper help yet, and have felt like I've done okayish to recover this far. But I do still have very very low self esteem and would have accepted that because it's only date 4 and things are still pretty casual.

But having read these replies, no it's not okay. I would never do it to someone else, why should I have to accept it from them? I don't. Or you don't. You are as important as him and, actually, your time is more valuable because you don't have as much as him.

I often get told I'm rigid and inflexible, and often have trouble dealing with it when my 'rules' are broken. But keeping promises is a really good rule to have and it's okay to enforce it. He hasn't had some tragic accident forcing him to cancel, he's just decided football is more important. Which is fine at such an early stage, but he forfeits seeing you or asking you to change your plans for him. Stick to your guns, don't see him.

And how dare he tell you it's an overreaction? Who is he to decide that, he's known you five minutes and is dictating how you should feel? I assume he knows a small amount of your history, he should have more understanding and appreciate that you HAVE to look after yourself in these ways. Maybe someone else wouldn't have cared, but they probably haven't suffered EA and are able to assert themselves comfortably. It's a struggle for us, but we're the only ones who should be picking our battles. Good for you! I'm really pleased I read this, it's given me lots to think about actually.

DrMorbius · 15/05/2015 08:25

Personally I think he may well have thought (on reflection) a whole day together of the 4th date may be too much too soon. So he may well have looked for a way to shorten the date to something more manageable.

Plus too a much a lesser degree (if you live in the Anglia region) there is a hugs game on Saturday. A once-in-a-lifetime game.

AlternativeTentacles · 15/05/2015 08:35

Plus too a much a lesser degree (if you live in the Anglia region) there is a hugs game on Saturday. A once-in-a-lifetime game.

On the contrary DrMorbius. No hugs on Saturday. No shag either. ;)

cailindana · 15/05/2015 08:37

It's got nothing to do with commitment. It's just plain rude to make plans with someone then ditch that person for somebody else, tell them you're ditching them and then tell them how they should react to that. No one should do that to anybody else, not even someone they've never met. If he can't see that and thinks it's ok to treat a potential girlfriend like that then he's not worth your time. You know what he's like now - rude, flakey and arrogant. How many other times will he let you down and then dictate how you should feel about it?

DrMorbius it may be the case that all those things are true but his behaviour is still not acceptable.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 15/05/2015 08:37

I'd have probably said 'Oh. Ok, I'll see you later then.' because I always want people to like me and don't value my own time very highly. I think you made the right call.

cailindana · 15/05/2015 08:39

That said if he came back and said "you know what I was being a dick I'm sorry, can we go back to our original plans?" I would give him one more chance.

My DH has his faults but in all of the 13 years we've been together he's never ditched me or messed me around with plans. He's always made it clear, right from day one, that he wants to spend time with me and plans with me are top priority. It's one of the ways I've known, despite all the things we've been through, that he does love me. It is very important.

HolgerDanske · 15/05/2015 08:40

Yes, definitely nothing to do with 'commitment'.

LineRunner · 15/05/2015 08:47

If he was that into football he would have had the match on his radar weeks ago. Not just from Thursday. The lateness of his desire to watch it actually shows he's not that big a fan.

And he won't be free to meet you at 5pm. He'll still be in the pub.