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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ask how a 'normal' person would feel about this minor thing?

277 replies

twirlypoo · 15/05/2015 06:49

I feel a total idiot asking this, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself on track and need someone who has healthy relationships what they would do/ feel.

Quick background: I have always had abusive / ea relationships. Last one ended 4 yrs ago when I was pregnant, and I tried really hard with a years psychotherapy to sort out my reactions / self esteem so it doesn't happen again.

I've just started dating again after aforementioned 4 years break and have met up with lovely guy who's a friend of a friend. We are on date 4, and I really like him but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

Ds sees his dad once a month for the day and it's the only break I really get. I'd arranged to meet new guy on sat when Ds with his dad. We were meeting lunch time out then going back to his to watch films and get a take away on the evening.

He texted me last night to say he had been asked to watch football with his mates and now wouldn't be free till 5pm.

I feel really hurt like he's got a better offer and have replied quite breezily saying not to worry and I'll pass on seeing him and just meet my friends instead (a lie, I'd do housework Grin) and he says that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.

Am I right in what I did or am I over reacting? In the past I would have just said no probs I'll see you at 6 or something, but I'm trying to have self esteem and value my time.

Am I being a princess or was I right in reacting the way I did?

Sorry for massive post. I've been trying to figure this out since last night! (In case it's a factor, I do really want to see him, but not if its wrong thing!)

OP posts:
Pollyswall · 15/05/2015 08:53

You acted like someone with good self esteem and healthy boundaries. He now knows that you are not to be messed about, what happens now will be very telling.

Will he decide to grow up a bit because he really likes you?

Or will he decide he would rather be one of the lads?

It's better to find out now before you waste your time on him.

Rebecca2014 · 15/05/2015 08:56

I ended it with a guy who did the exact same thing to me. I never saw him again though he tried to get in contact. My free time is precious and I am not going waste it on someone who can't really be bothered, I am sure you feel the same!

Rozalia · 15/05/2015 08:57

DrMorbius it is a huge, once in a lifetime match between Norwich and Ipswich. And not exactly a surprise either. He'll have known for some time he could watch it down the pub with his mates.

Not to say he's in East Anglia either.

OP, as someone in a similar position as you, having only been in abusive relationships (abusive mother, 2 abusive exs) I applaud you. Let's talk some more. Off to work now but I'll look in later.

LineRunner · 15/05/2015 08:59

Exactly. You don't just realise on a Thursday that there's a match you need to watch on the Saturday if you are a genuine football fan.

Izzy24 · 15/05/2015 09:04

What Polyswall said.

Exactly.

And you responded entirely appropriately IMO, OP.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 15/05/2015 09:06

Sorry if I missed something's - I was just getting Ds ready and am in the car now for work!

He used to play professional football so is a fan, but not in Anglia, and I know he was only asked yesterday so it wasn't a big deal to him until then I don't think.

I'm feeling a bit sad about it now, I will accept it happily if he apologises and tried to go back to the original plan but I don't see that happening as I think he'd see it as backing down? I don't know!

I'm glad some others have found this thread useful too - if we could have a guide on normal reactions to stuff blokes do that would be great! I'd def buy it!

Will check back in between clients, but thank you I'm very grateful for your help and replies Thanks

OP posts:
FatherHenderson · 15/05/2015 09:09

He wants you to slip into the "cool girl" role. I.e you are fine with everything.

Sod that

DrMorbius · 15/05/2015 09:11

Actually the football comment was a bit of a throw away line.

My real comment was - on reflection he may have thought that a whole day (nearly) date so soon, was too much. But he didn't know how to communicate this. So chose what he thought was the easy way out.

Norest · 15/05/2015 09:13

Another one here saying I think you responded really well. You say yourself he knew he was being cheeky with the 'that's why i've been single' comment, and him telling you how to feel (overreaction) doesn't go down well in my book.

How much does he know of your history relationship-wise?

Just asking because I got together with my current partner after some very toxic relationships and I let him know this and let him know I was very firm on boundaries because of this, as well as super cautious regarding new relationships. I asked him to be patient and understanding and one of the big things I needed from any new person was consistency and reliability. He stepped up beautifully and has always shown me a lot of consideration.

I think you should be proud of yourself for recognising what your values are and sticking to them, even when faced with a challenge to the validity of your feelings. You are entitled to your feelings and not wanting to be lunched out for beers in the pub on your only free time in a month.

HolgerDanske · 15/05/2015 09:14

That might well be true, and that's ok as well. What wasn't ok was the expectation that she should be happy enough to accept it and then sit and wait for him to deign to grace her with his presence later on. He should not be telling her that she's over reacting.

OP, maybe take it a bit slower for the next few weeks. No whole day things. See how it goes before you invest too much of yourself.

Pollyswall · 15/05/2015 09:19

twirlypoo Any man you date will very quickly pick up on how much you value yourself.

Never ever accept second place.

cailindana · 15/05/2015 09:24

"My real comment was - on reflection he may have thought that a whole day (nearly) date so soon, was too much. But he didn't know how to communicate this. So chose what he thought was the easy way out."

Even if that is true DrMorbius it doesn't make anything any better. If he's so emotionally immature that he is willing to hurt the OP and mess her around rather than be honest with her then it's pointless having a relationship with him. He may be worried, fair enough, but unless he actually tells the OP that, she simply doesn't know what's going on. To just flake out on plans and expect her to jump when he says so is simply not good enough, no matter what the motivation.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 15/05/2015 09:25

It is a very important part of the season now. But it's not as if any of the last crucial games have only just been scheduled this week. If there was a match he just had to see, he already knew about it when arrangements were made for your date tomorrow.
So yes, I think you're feeling spot on about this, he had a 'better' offer when his mates decided to watch it at the pub.
The only exception here would have been if he'd been offered tickets to an match, in that case I'd change my stance.
Even if you'd agreed to see him at 5pm, there's issues with that. He may turn up pissed, he may turn up late. Actually, turning up late is a very likely scenario.
Make your own plans. Not housework!

cailindana · 15/05/2015 09:28

In fact, I think it's worth saying here that you should not accept a sob-story explanation for bad treatment. If someone messes you around and hurts you then comes back and says "I only did it because I was so unsure" with the whole puppy dog eyes thing and "oh poor me I was having a wobble so you can't be mad with me" the only response is "I don't care what was going on, I am still upset at how you behaved." Poor treatment is poor treatment no matter what the motivation and someone explaining the motivation is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. It's fine for someone to explain what was going on as long as they are not expecting you to then be ok with the shitty treatment. If someone treated you badly the only way they should behave is by apologising and promising not to do it again. Any "excuses" are entirely by-the-by and don't erase the problem. If someone does the same shitty thing twice, that is a total dealbreaker - the apology was just bullshit and they don't really care how you feel.

SanityClause · 15/05/2015 09:32

I wouldn't take The Rules too seriously, but what you should take from it is that you need to give yourself a value, and expect others to.

BrianButterfield · 15/05/2015 09:37

You did the right thing. The football is a red herring - sure, it's a big game, and OP isn't stropping or throwing her dummy out of the pram because he wants to go. In fact he can go, but she's just calmly saying she'll do something else instead. That is absolutely ok and normal.

The problem comes when he interprets that as drama ("overreacting"). I don't see that OP reacted in a drama llama way, so he's putting something onto her that wasn't there. So he's either cast her in this "emotional female" role already (no thanks) or did in fact expect her to quite meekly say "all right then" to a crapper version of the nice date they had planned. Which as we all know would not have started at 5, who is he kidding? It would be getting a text hours later when he was three sheets to the wind...ugh. Now I wouldn't have an issue with a BF going to the pub to watch football but I equally wouldn't want anything much to do with them immediately afterwards!

eddielizzard · 15/05/2015 09:39

you had plans. he decided to drop you for part of them because in his opinion, a better option came along.

you were absolutely reasonable. 4 dates in is too early to be dropped in favour of a better offer and i personally would cool it.

and i would not stay at home doing housework NO WAY! get out and have some fun yourself. plan it now so if he does come back with another idea you are booked up.

seriously, it doesn't take much imagination to realise that if you only have 1 day free a month you make the best of it.

funnyossity · 15/05/2015 09:41

Your reaction was fine.

Not an overreaction.

He sounds a bit spoiled.

QuintShhhhhh · 15/05/2015 09:46

No, your reaction was fine. He got a better offer, and blew you off.

I really don't like his saying that you'd "overreacted". That's really quite cocky.

Agreed, it is patronizing.

LittleMissIntrovert · 15/05/2015 09:50

I think you did the right thing, he is the one being immature about it.

My marriage is failing at the moment, partly because I've been a soft touch and let him walk all over me, but likewise he didn't have to do it just because I let him!

I am reading a good book about deal breakers at the moment, I got it from poundland! It's called deal breakers by Dr Bethany Marshall. It's about working out what is acceptable to you in a relationship, thought you might find it useful.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 15/05/2015 09:52

It's not even about commitment. It's basic manners not to drop someone because you got a better offer. You'd make a child stick to a party invite they'd accepted if they got a later clashing invite.

DrMorbius · 15/05/2015 09:57

cailindana - Its only the 4th date. He probably thinks they are still fairly casual in dating terms (especially as they only meet once per month).

Plus the date itself certainly seems casual (to me), films, take-away etc. Hence his response that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 15/05/2015 09:59

He lives with his parents.

That's enough to make me run for the hills.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/05/2015 10:01

I'm no expert on dating (only ever dated one and he was weird) but my feelings on the matter are that this is nothing to do with The Rules, playing hard to get (by either of them) or even how smitten either of them is or should be. It's about basic good manners. If the guy you're dating does not exhibit good manners either he hasn't got 'em or for some peculiar reason doesn't think they apply to girlfriends. This doesn't bode very well for a happy relationship. The only slack I would cut for him is if he isn't used to dating single parents, maybe he really is that thoughtless and needs it spelled out in words of one syllable or less about your free time being rare and awkard to arrange, thus needing to make the most of it. (This isn't a man thing, it's a "not having to worry about dependents" thing as child-free women can be just as guilty). However, you are not responsible for teaching a grown man how to behave. However much older than him you are you are still not his mum!

The "over-reacting" thing would piss me off BIG time as he seems to believe that you saying "ok then, if the date's off I'll do something else" is all about him. Apparently you're not adopting Plan B because it's what you'd rather do, you're doing it to make a point to him. (OK, you were, but not entirely!) Not to grasp that you might be doing what is best for yourself, to use your precious leisure time, borders on arrogant, but I'll stick to "thoughtless" for the time being.

cailindana · 15/05/2015 10:01

It doesn't matter how casual it is DrMorbius his behaviour was really rude. He blew her off and then criticised her reaction to it.