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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ask how a 'normal' person would feel about this minor thing?

277 replies

twirlypoo · 15/05/2015 06:49

I feel a total idiot asking this, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself on track and need someone who has healthy relationships what they would do/ feel.

Quick background: I have always had abusive / ea relationships. Last one ended 4 yrs ago when I was pregnant, and I tried really hard with a years psychotherapy to sort out my reactions / self esteem so it doesn't happen again.

I've just started dating again after aforementioned 4 years break and have met up with lovely guy who's a friend of a friend. We are on date 4, and I really like him but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

Ds sees his dad once a month for the day and it's the only break I really get. I'd arranged to meet new guy on sat when Ds with his dad. We were meeting lunch time out then going back to his to watch films and get a take away on the evening.

He texted me last night to say he had been asked to watch football with his mates and now wouldn't be free till 5pm.

I feel really hurt like he's got a better offer and have replied quite breezily saying not to worry and I'll pass on seeing him and just meet my friends instead (a lie, I'd do housework Grin) and he says that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.

Am I right in what I did or am I over reacting? In the past I would have just said no probs I'll see you at 6 or something, but I'm trying to have self esteem and value my time.

Am I being a princess or was I right in reacting the way I did?

Sorry for massive post. I've been trying to figure this out since last night! (In case it's a factor, I do really want to see him, but not if its wrong thing!)

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 15/05/2015 14:03

He doesn't understand what he's done wrong because he doesn't get the fact that your day off is so important.

I agree that a single parent's time off is really important, but he shouldn't treat ANYONE this way.

GoatsDoRoam · 15/05/2015 14:10

Leave it for now. You have continued to say the right things, and he seems to have grasped that he fucked up.

Let it be, turn off your phone, have fun doing something for yourself or with your girlfriends, and indeed let him make it up to you next time you see each other.

GrumpleMe · 15/05/2015 14:10

You did the right thing, OP. I'd have done exactly the same thing.

Depending how you feel about it now, decide whether he's been yellow carded or red carded.

GoatsDoRoam · 15/05/2015 14:12

And well done for being honest with him, and very clear, about your feelings, your values, and where you stand on this.

You are doing great.

SaucyJack · 15/05/2015 14:12

If I were you I'd sack him off- but I freely admit I'm high maintenance.

It's not even that he took up a better offer (although that is disrespectful)- rather that he thought it was a better offer in the first place. At this stage of the game, he should be gagging to see you.

Maybe he's a slow burner, but I think it's more likely that he's just not that into you.

Sorry.

TRexingInAsda · 15/05/2015 14:14

You've done exactly the right thing. Brilliant update - no I won't come running for your offer for 5 minutes attention today just because you chucked me for a better offer tomorrow, cheeky fucker. Maybe see if he does make it up to you with a proper date next time, but tbh, if somebody was so not excited to see me for a 4th date that he actually cancelled half of it in favour of going to the pub with his mates, I wouldn't waste my time on him anymore. x

silveracorn · 15/05/2015 14:22

OP, please do something really lovely this weekend. If you don't fancy going out with your mates then get in some books or online articles on how to treat yourself well, how to build self esteem etc and read those with a really good takeaway and glass of wine.

It might sound cheesy but spending a whole weekend daydreaming how you'd like to be treated and how you plan to treat yourself better for the rest of your life, thinking up examples of how to look after yourself and build a life you really love - that's way better than a half-hearted shag with a pissed bloke who's been in the pub all afternoon because that was a more worthwhile way to spend his ample free time than with you.

You say you're sad. Remind yourself -
You made plans together. He changed them because as far as he's concerned a better offer came up, which was to watch a match in the pub on TV.
He stropped when you politely accepted the change but added a change of your own.
He has said 'That's why I'm still single.' This is also a doormat test. It asks: are you willing to settle for less and be more of a pushover than most women I've tried dating?
He has said: You're such a grown up. This means: I'm still a child. Oh and he's back off to live with his parents.

Don't be sad. Be really pleased with yourself for heading in the right direction and making some choices that get you out of that familiar doormat territory. You acted well. Ignore posters who say otherwise. Chances are they're not properly taking into account the fact you have been in EA relationships in the past and are actively working on that.

Celebrate on Saturday. Don't mourn your decision not to sit by the phone wondering if he'll ring at 5 or 6 or 7 and how pissed he'll be when he finally turns up. Even if you can't fix up a great night out with mates who love you, stay in and get some practise treating yourself really well.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 15/05/2015 14:27

I think he's got the message now op - I'm a soft touch but it does sound like he just didn't think. Maintain your plan to see your friends AND NOT HIM on Saturday, so the message is clear. Then make plans to meet up another time if you feel so inclined.

Well done you for being so honest with him!

tulipbulbs · 15/05/2015 14:29

You did exactly the right thing, your instincts are good. If he is fobbing you off at this early stage, he may not be all that keen. Preserve your dignity. Ignore his over reaction comment, establish acceptable behaviour patterns now, or he'll put you second to his friends all the time. Listen to him realizing this is why he is single. As Oprah says believe people when they tell you something about themselves. Let the penny drop for him and wait for him to come back, if you want a chance at a respectful relationship.

AmyElliotDunne · 15/05/2015 14:30

I wonder how many of the posters who are excusing this guy's behaviour are single parents?

That one precious day when you are not solely responsible for your child is pretty much all that keeps you going sometimes. When you're the only one doing everything day in and day out, the paltry bit of free time you get really is precious. When you offer it to someone you bloody well expect them to honour that, not leave you sat at home with nothing to do, waiting for them.

Op when I first got together with DP he would leave me waiting around most of Sunday while he dropped his DCs at their mums. They would leave here about 11 as handover was officially 12, saying he'd be back once he dropped them off. I would wait in, not knowing what to do for lunch, not taking my DCs out in case he turned up, only for him to phone me at 5pm saying he was about to drop them off, they'd been playing computer games or having a nap or some shit, and be over about 6pm.

It used to really get to me. One day I said to him that I would presume he wouldn't be back until the evening and get on with other things instead. He realised he'd been unfair leaving me waiting around. Now he is much more communicative, texts me to let me know how long he'll be, calls on his way over to see what he can bring etc.

It needs to be sorted early on, you did the right thing by showing him where your boundary is. Not an over reaction, a perfectly fair reaction to his rudeness. Well done Flowers

AmyElliotDunne · 15/05/2015 14:33

Btw nap is shit because his DCs are 7 & 10 not babies!

DrMorbius · 15/05/2015 14:50

OP - 30 years ago I decided to stand my (now) DW, up and go out with my mates instead. She found out a few days later Angry.

We have now been married 25 years, 2 great kids and she is my soul mate Smile and truly the love of my life Star .

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 14:51

He has replied saying it wasn't a better offer, it just hadn't occurred to him that he couldn't do both.

Confused

It didn't occur to him that he couldn't be in two places at once? Hmm

GrumpleMe · 15/05/2015 14:56

What a lovely story DrMorbius. Hmm

tulipbulbs · 15/05/2015 15:03

Sorry I posted above after pg1. You say that he used to be a professional footballer, isn't this supposed to be a nest for macho, immature behaviour. All girls are shags, the boys rule & male ego gets loads of attention?
Some serious behaviour modification needed here.
As to the 4th date not being a big commitment - well having sex is a commitment and being treated shoddily afterwards is a slap in the face for your self esteem. Taking care of you before 4 implied to me that he meant a quick shag?!
Turn your phone off. You've learned a lot since your last relationship - realize what a prize you are and accept no infringement on your self respect.
He now needs to prove to you that he is worthy of you. Wait and see if he tries.

LoisPuddingLane · 15/05/2015 15:04

A chap I went out with once messed me around something terrible on our (what would have been) second date. Just left me hanging about although we were supposed to be going for dinner. I finally got a text about 9ish saying he'd just got out of a meeting Hmm. I just ignored it. He sent me texts for months afterwards, and I ignored them all.

Mitzimaybe · 15/05/2015 15:06

Is no one else reading "I'm free until 4pm why don't you come round?" as a booty call? OP, it seems more than ever that he's just expecting you to be there for him whenever he's at a loose end. Beware.

LoisPuddingLane · 15/05/2015 15:09

It does sound a bit bootyish.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/05/2015 15:12

Yeah I was thinking booty call too. He wants to have fun with his mates then get a shag in the evening. I've had a huge number of sexual partners so I'm not saying this from a position of judgement but sometimes holding off on sex until you're a bit more sure about someone is a good idea.

Sickoffrozen · 15/05/2015 15:18

I personally think that single guys in their 30's have got so used to this carefree life they lead with their mates/hobbies/no kids/pub, that they just don't understand what is needed to really make a relationship work. He hasn't got kids so won't have a clue how your time is precious and therfore doesn't consider it.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now, especially if you think he is ok in general and see how it goes. However I would not jump in feet first and would see if this is to become a pattern or whether he realises that he maybe needs to think a bit more.

I wouldn't dump someone over this though as like someone else said, how is he supposed to know what makes you tick etc after 3 dates.

Joysmum · 15/05/2015 15:23

Personally I think your over reacting slightly, he still wants to see you just a wee bit later than arranged. Let's face it, it's early days and he's leaving his mates to meet you. 2 hours later is no biggie in my books but I wouldn't let him make a habit of it

Totally agree.

Explain how precious your child free day is too. I don't think he'd appreciate that.

One thing I d know is that unless you can explain your thoughts and feelings, any relationship you have isn't going to be as good as it might be do quit texting and talk to him if you aren't going to drop him for this one mistake.

LovesPeace · 15/05/2015 15:43

To be honest, I'd bin him, OP.

The fact that he didn't even consider you might have feelings about him deciding to see his mates in preference to you is another bad sign.

I think he wants a fuck buddy, and you want a relationship; neither is wrong but it does make you incompatible.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 15:46

God, don't "explain" how precious your childfree day is.

You're just dating this guy and you already know he'd prefer to go to the pub with his mates and roll around to yours for a drunken shag than go on a date with you.

The very last thing you need to do is start making yourself seem all desperate to see him.

LineRunner · 15/05/2015 16:00

He was free till 4pm for what, exactly?

springydaffs · 15/05/2015 16:10

You've absolutely done the right thing.

Even if he changes his mind back - too late, he blew it, don't meet him.

As for he's got a few hours free? He can fuck off.

It may not be that he's abusive, more that he mooches about taking it easy? Regardless, he needs to step up if he expects to get the (precious) goods.

If that's too 'grown up' for him then let him go, you'll be leaving space for someone who is focussed on you

As for this 'taking up a lot of headspace' well, it would, this is your first run at putting into practise all you've learned. It's not him who is taking up a lot of headspace so much as the new model of behaviour you are fine-tuning.

See him next time you're free but he's blown this time - he has to learn you don't come cheap, for him to slot in when it suits him. One more strike and he's out imo. Don't bother explaining, actions speak louder from now on.

You've done well, pat yourself on the back.