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Original poster

Newish BF wants a threesome..

108 replies

Oohheck · 14/05/2015 11:27

I can't actually believe I am writing this post.
I have nc'ed for this.

I have been in a relationship for about four months now with a chappie who is caring, spends time with me, we like each other and get in really well.

Back story, I left my marriage of 20 years last summer. So I guess new chap is kind of my rebound guy?

Whatever he is, I value our relationship.

So, as things have progressed, he has talked about his ultimate fantasy being a threesome with another girl. I admit I am bi curious, and in my head it's ok. We have talked about it, and he says he knows a girl who may be willing to join us.
I have said that if this was one if my friends, I'd be telling her to step away as it has hurt written all over it.

I guess I have answered my own question.
I am also sad that he is willing to risk what we have, although it is in the early stages, for his own gains.

So, thoughts please on the three way, and also on him.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 14/05/2015 11:29

If you are bi-curious, then there's nothing to stop you seeking a female lover.

If you prefer to have only one sexual partner at a time, this arrangement is seriously not for you.

Fantasies are just that, fantasies. Putting one in to practice may well not live up to how you fantasise.

Original poster
Oohheck · 14/05/2015 11:35

Yes, I do prefer to have only one partner at a time, and I expect the same from a partner I am with. I don't think I can cope with the psychological aspect of it.

BF has admitted that he may not even enjoy it, although I am Hmm at that.

OP posts:
ShortandSweeter · 14/05/2015 11:38

Regret stuff you do rather than stuff you don't.

Estcal · 14/05/2015 11:42

I don't think I can cope with the psychological aspect of it.

Well, there's your answer. Not really much else to discuss, IMO.
It's good that you recognise this beforehand. Many years ago I nearly had a MFM. One of the men was my boyfriend, the other was a friend of his. BF had gone on about it for a long time, and at that time it was something I was keen to try. When push came to shove - bad pun - my BF couldn't handle even seeing his friend kissing me. We broke up, he ended the friendship with his mate. Fantasies are sometimes best kept just that.

wonderingsoul · 14/05/2015 11:47

some times its just talking and thinking about it but actually doing it is another thing so I wouldnt be so quick to not be live him when he says hes not sure hed like it.

pocketsaviour · 14/05/2015 11:49

I would go for it - at only 4 months into the relationship, you don't have much to lose, surely? But I'm not you, so do what feels right for you.

If you do go for it, this is a good article on how to get things set up to minimize awkwardness.

ShortandSweeter · 14/05/2015 11:58

one thing I will say, the reality is often very far from the fantasy- but sometimes in a good way!

flora717 · 14/05/2015 11:58

It would probably be best to reflect on your relationship: if you're not keen on a polyamorous relationship then steer clear, it would be potentially catastrophic relationship wise. If it's a short-term fling and you're curious then give it a go.

GrumpleMe · 14/05/2015 12:07

It's important and healthy for people to discuss their sexual fantasies with their partner.

Like with any sexual activity, if you don't feel comfortable with it - don't do it.

The only thing you can do is keep discussing it, and explain your misgivings. There's nothing wrong with him wanting a threesome, and there's nothing wrong with you if you don't.

LadyBlaBlah · 14/05/2015 12:15

I would run a mile.

Each to their own and all but I'd be suspecting porn fiend misogynist and I cba with that.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2015 12:15

Then have a female lover. Without him. You might find you prefer her.

Milllli · 14/05/2015 12:19

It's so early in your new relationship and you are not really out of the honeymoon stage yet. You don't really know him as its still best behaviour time. Yet he already wants to bring someone else into the relationship? And he knows some girl who would be interested? This sounds odd to me. Wonder if he is into this type of thing anyway ? Just seems way too soon at this early stage. He should be madly in lust with you and only have eyes for you.

Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2015 12:20

He's prob groomed the other woman over 4 months for the same thing. Only go for it if you can deal w that kind of scenario

Momagain1 · 14/05/2015 12:24

Sort your bi-curiosity on your own. Not as a performance for someone else.

Addressing both your questions and his fantasy at the same time is a recipe for disaster, IMO.

meditrina · 14/05/2015 12:31

The other woman he's selected is a person, with her own views, desires, preferences and expectations. Not a prop in your his fantasies.

Which came first? Him wanting a polyamorous arrangement, or him wanting to shag her too?

paxtecum · 14/05/2015 12:31

Would you be very jealous watching him kiss her and shag her?

Would he want to do it again and again?

Will he want to carry on pushing the boundaries?

Sex party next?

paxtecum · 14/05/2015 12:33

You could end up feeling very left out.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2015 12:35

I'd like to know how he knows the other girl is up for it

I would imagine he is already breaching monogamy and if that is important to you, then walk away

SanityClause · 14/05/2015 12:42

If you're interested in doing it, fine. Go for it!

If not, say so.

If he won't accept the "no", that will tell you a lot about him, and your future together.

Bahh · 14/05/2015 12:47

Tell him those fantasies are best kept in porn, it's not something I can imagine a typical, usually monogamous relationship would survive. Especially as you don't even seem that into it, and would likely be doing it for his benefit. And what happens if you go ahead and he loves it and wants it to be a regular thing, could you stomach that? I think if you have doubts you should steer clear. And be mindful that he 'had someone in mind' to begin with, I'd be concerned about that.

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2015 12:48

I can't see this going well.

It's all very well to say what have you got to lose but actually you may compromise your own morals, you may lose your relationship with this guy/your respect for him, or ... who knows.

What if she rocks up and you don't fancy her, at all! What if you do! I am not personally into using people for sexual pleasure so if I were not in a relationship with someone I would not want to do anything with them at all.

This seems to be his thing and if I were you I would not want to be part of it. Not judging anyone else just answering your question.

All the best.

Mide7 · 14/05/2015 12:54

It's a difficult one. If you like the idea then maybe it's something you can look in to together. If your unsure then I'd suggest that's your answer, if you really wanted it then you wouldn't be unsure.

Also the fact he has someone lined up is a bit dodgey IMO. As someone mentioned above is she someone who hes interested in having sex with or have they done it already. If you do want to do it then I would get someone more "neutral". Also there is no guarantee you'll find her attractive.

Milllli · 14/05/2015 12:55

Basically you don't know him yet. If he was really into you he wouldn't be suggesting this . You would and should be enough.

TokenGinger · 14/05/2015 12:58

The guy I'm dating asked whether I'd ever consider it. I said no straight away. After only five months, I know that I love him. And seeing him have sex with another woman would destroy me emotionally. I'd be insanely jealous, I wouldn't find it a turn on.

He agreed and said he's done it with his ex and another guy and he really thought he'd like it, but actually found it difficult to see the woman he loves being screwed by somebody else.

I think I could only have a threesome if I wasn't emotionally involved with any party.

Fontella · 14/05/2015 13:03

I'd be telling him to fuck right off the moment he told me he knew another girl who might be up for joining you in giving him his ultimate fantasy

You've been dating him for four months .... and he's talking like this? And has already got someone lined up. Shock

And then where? What next after he's achieved his ultimate fantasy?

(note the emphasis on the 'his')