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Original poster

Newish BF wants a threesome..

108 replies

Oohheck · 14/05/2015 11:27

I can't actually believe I am writing this post.
I have nc'ed for this.

I have been in a relationship for about four months now with a chappie who is caring, spends time with me, we like each other and get in really well.

Back story, I left my marriage of 20 years last summer. So I guess new chap is kind of my rebound guy?

Whatever he is, I value our relationship.

So, as things have progressed, he has talked about his ultimate fantasy being a threesome with another girl. I admit I am bi curious, and in my head it's ok. We have talked about it, and he says he knows a girl who may be willing to join us.
I have said that if this was one if my friends, I'd be telling her to step away as it has hurt written all over it.

I guess I have answered my own question.
I am also sad that he is willing to risk what we have, although it is in the early stages, for his own gains.

So, thoughts please on the three way, and also on him.

OP posts:
WhileYouWereOut · 14/05/2015 20:01

AnyFucker I really wish you wouldn't be so angry as my comments aren't of a personal nature.

But you're at the very least misguided in your belief that I am derailing the thread to 'have a go at you'. Firstly, my comments relate to what you have said even on this thread which is a variation and an extension of your usual book of terms. And secondly, I care about the wellbeing of the OP, which often seems not your aim.

Your advice here has just been another construction of your usual approach. You never come up with anything useful. You just make the OP (in any case, here or elsewhere) feel bad about themselves. That's why I'm flagging it up here. I didn't think you were being helpful and it seems to be a pattern of yours.

I'm not rolling out all the comments you've ever made, I am making an observation. I need to say it on a thread where I disagree with your approach and therefore the OP and those reading for support can see another point of view - one which doesn't paint them as a weak-willed woman willing to be trampled upon.

I'm just telling you that your glibness seems to be a pattern of yours. Not to derail the thread. Perhaps there are certain people that appreciate that, but considering the years I've been trawling this board and offering advice, in the main, a lot of OPs are feeling quite vulnerable. They need support, not judgement.

I wouldn't send you a PM as that is just wrong on so many levels but I will call you out when I think you are wrong. I refer to previous examples just as that! Examples! Which I wouldn't quote as I don't want to derail the thread.

You need to be constructive. You need to be supportive. As I say, I am not thread police so cannot and will not have the ability to control what you do, I am just offering you constructive advice.

WhileYouWereOut · 14/05/2015 20:03

Olivia Why have my messages been deleted? I haven't been abusive or rude?

ALaughAMinute · 14/05/2015 20:08

I had a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend when I was in my early twenties. It's not experience I would ever want to repeat but I did it of my own free will and have no regrets.

If you don't feel comfortable with the idea, then don't do it!

expatinscotland · 14/05/2015 20:13

'You need to be constructive. You need to be supportive. As I say, I am not thread police so cannot and will not have the ability to control what you do, I am just offering you constructive advice.'

No, you aren't offering constructive advice, you are dictating when you try to order someone on how they should post with statements like, 'You need to be . . . '

Phoenix0x0 · 14/05/2015 20:15

while you are derailing the thread, by the fact you are asking *olivia from HQ' why your post was deleted.

OP, do what you feel comfortable.

Flowers
AnyFucker · 14/05/2015 20:19

while my replies to you are not "angry"

AnyFucker · 14/05/2015 20:23

oops posted too soon

I simply think you are out of order to use this thread to have a go at me...even if it's not "personal" it seems you have a real problem with what I post and the way I post it

you should take it to pm and not hijack someone else's thread

also, your patronising manner (I am telling you this for your own good ? Really ?) is inflammatory and was never going too end well

surely you can see that. ...unless your arrogance really does know no bounds

WhileYouWereOut · 14/05/2015 20:32

expatinscotland I am not dictating. I said in my very first post that this a forum free for all to post and seek advice from. But by saying that we should (on this board at least) be supportive of each other seems just how it has always been to me.
This board has helped many through a hard time. As such I stand by that statement, we do need to be constructive and supportive, otherwise it could just descend into all sorts of chaos. I just don't like it when someone says things that can't really help or support anyone (personal choice?) but it's true. I think there was a thread here this morning in which a poster asked us to support her in changing the 'why don't you leave' mentality of friends and family into 'how can we stop abuse' or 'how can we assist them to leave' - it's not always as simple as just do xyz!
In fact a recent thread in which a pregnant woman was seeking advice r.e. her abusive partner received quite a few responses saying "why did you have a baby with him to begin with".

Phoenix Clearly someone thought I was before I asked Olivia, so I'm not sure I understand what your comment. I don't know if you read any of my previous posts to OP but I didn't come here with an axe to grind.

AnyFucker they certainly appear to be, and I'd be the last person here to cause another poster so much angst as I have you, so I am sorry. I appear to have annoyed you to that point. It wasn't my goal. I hope you are ok.

WhileYouWereOut · 14/05/2015 20:37

AF Seems as though I have really pissed you off. And truly that was not my intention, nor was it to be patronising or arrogant. Feel free to PM should you want. I am always receptive. Especially to those whose opinions I like to hear.
I say again I was not derailing the thread. I was just pointing out that there is another way to think about things.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 14/05/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2015 20:42

change of tack now you have been deleted ?

You don't fool me....If you had got any validation at all for your personal attacks on me you would have been putting the boot in further by now

Don't flatter yourself I am upset, or even "angry". Smile

Momagain1 · 14/05/2015 20:47

While none of that has anything to do with anything. Your opinion on AF and her posting habits doesnt mean fuck all to anyone else.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2015 20:48

OP: people can be uninterested in monogamy and still be kind, decent individuals. So (ignoring the sillier monogamy fetishists screaming away in the background) the fact that he has asked about a threesome doesn't mean that every nice thing he ever said was a lie just to groom you into participating in his wicked pornographic-fuled penis stuff waa waa waa. There is nothing wrong with group sex, threesomes, longterm polyamory, BDSM or any other variation between consenting adults.

If you're not keen on the idea then you're under no obligation to try it. He might be happy to give up on it anyway, or one or the other of you might simply decide you're not sexually compatible, and part amicably. It's only been four months, so it's no big deal if you do decide to split up.

WhileYouWereOut · 14/05/2015 20:49

Not a change of tack Hmm

I've maintained the same position throughout. I stand by everything I have said. Im just apologising that I got you so wound up and angry. I didn't mean to do that.

WhileYouWereOut · 14/05/2015 20:51

Momagain1 I've never come across a thread in which there was universal consensus. Everyone always had an opinion to offer. Unless it was something like 'Was I BU to save this cat from being run over'.
That's what makes this place great, we debate, discuss and then OP decides. We are well within our remit to disagree with another poster. This isn't a dictatorship. No one here is policing the internet.

Original poster
Oohheck · 14/05/2015 20:59

Ladies please. Seriously all this falling out isn't worth it.
Thank you for all comments and support, really.

I have spoken to him and called him out on this, he squirmed, tried turning it round on me Hmm
So I have called time on it.
I am clearly over invested in him, he made me smile and is a lovely chap, and no one has made me feel like that in a long time. So I need to stay strong now. No going back.

OP posts:
Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 14/05/2015 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2015 21:03

OP, I think that is a good decision

Staying true to yourself will always pay dividends, even if it isn't always immediately apparent Thanks

Original poster
Oohheck · 14/05/2015 21:14

Thank you Thanks

I know this any it's why I walked away from my marriage.
It's just hard now. But I'll be ok, I've had far worse than him to deal with!

OP posts:
WhileYouWereOut · 14/05/2015 21:30

Best of luck Oohheck sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! You're right: No going back! I'm sure he'll try to roll out the red carpet and back track to reel you back in, but I know you'll be strong.
Consider him as being 'one for the road' Wink

Eekaman · 15/05/2015 01:05

Back to the original topic, leaving aside the ongoing spat...

OP, in our very early days, DW and I ended up in bed with a third once, kind of by accident (alcohol was involved), we had a lot of fun, so much so, that on occasion we'd do it again, sometimes with another guy, sometimes with another girl, but we both figured that overall, another couple was way more fun, partly because DW has no Bi inclination at all

The guidelines we had were; not with friends, as that could strain the friendship, to use condoms, and not in our own bed, go to hotels, go to their place, whatever. We did this occasionally for a few years on and off and we were definitely lucky in that we could separate sport sex from making love.

It tailed off, we got out of that habit, and today is our 22nd wedding anniversary. :)

bagoflimes · 15/05/2015 03:16

Sounds like you made the right decision OP, well done.

The term porn fiend is really good.

Obviously consenting adults can do as they please, etc, etc.

But What strikes me about these types is all their "wow this is out there sex" actually isn't very sexy at all

You would think with all their talk there'd be fireworks, never felt like a real woman before etc.

It might be tempting to think "oh, a chance to experiment a bit."

but it's like they actually want to just "tick a list off" and any action you participate in is insipid at best.

It's not a case of prudishness, the ones who are vociferous about being really "out there" are actually pretty shite in bed.

One guy I had as a lover (briefly) wanted to get into light BDSM and sexting, mentioned how his mates were all having threesomes, would constantly verbalise how he was always "turned on" on nights out with me, etc

(now I wouldn't normally shame someone for this, he was a nice man, but he had some ED issues with normal sex.

It wasn't like he was firing on the basics, so what was the point of all the dirty chat? Confused

It's like they are so desensitised to the amount of intimacy and passion you can get from straight sex -where just a touch can do it - they have lost any natural ability and need to do all the uber-hardcore stuff to pretend to themselves they still have it. It's fairly depressing)

hereandtherex · 15/05/2015 13:04

I knew this one would be fun.

Horses for courses. This sort of stuff may blow up in your face.

Does not appeal to me at all.
I'm suprised so many men are sort of into this. Of past partners I can only think of one who had both the staying power and ability to have full sex multiple times. Most men would struggle past 30 minutes and ejaculating twice.

BuzzardBird · 15/05/2015 14:26

heck I am sorry you are going through this, I am glad you have more respect for yourself than to bend to his desires though. I bet he wishes he hadn't said anything now. Thanks

LurcioAgain · 15/05/2015 14:45

Oooheck - I hope you can take the positives away from this - that you've had some nice times with a nice bloke who made you feel good about yourself, but ultimately you weren't compatible (and I agree with those who've said that we simply don't know if he was a player, or a guy trying to tick off a list of stuff that's "out there" or a guy who honestly likes threesomes - but whichever, it doesn't matter - you and he weren't compatible in what you wanted in bed, and that's okay).

And hang on in there - you've had a nice time, and here's to doing nice stuff, whether on your own or with a partner, in future.