DP- is he tight or am I just a princess?

[CotswoldQueen]

I have been with my DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship, I fancy him rotten, he is kind and caring, we get on great and he DOES make me really happy. I don’t know whether I’m just being a princess, trying to self-sabotage or what but sometimes it just seems like….well I don’t really know.

I guess I could start by saying that my long term ex was fabulous, we were together for 6 years, he was everything my current DP is but also generous and I was never in any doubt that he absolutely adored me and was my no 1 fan. Unfortunately, for me, the relationship just wasn’t what I wanted, I felt like we’d become more like best friends, I just didn’t want him sexually anymore, I absolutely loved the bones of him, but I was no longer in love with him so I ended it.

When I say he was generous, he would sometimes buy me random, thoughtful presents just because he thought I’d like them. He would always insist on paying when we went out and I would literally have to put the cash for my half into his jacket pocket etc when he wasn’t looking. He would love to celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays etc and would book surprise weekends away or take me out to dinner.

Don’t get me wrong, because he was generous to me, I wanted to be generous to him too and was, I used to spoil him on his birthday and on our anniversary’s etc. It was just nice, I know it’s materialistic but we both just enjoyed treating each other.

Cut to current DP, he has a very good, professional job, earns a lot of money and has a lot of disposable income. He, however, is a saver not a spender. He kinda counts every penny and just, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it but it’s like he resents spending anything on me?

We don’t live together, he has his own (large house) and I currently rent a cottage off a family friend. After paying for my rent, bills and paying off some debts and the animals, I don’t have a vast amount left over each month, enough to have a couple of nights out a month etc but not loads.

Whenever we go out for dinner, it always has to be split, down to the last penny. If I can’t afford to pay half then we (generally, there have been a couple of exceptions) don’t go. There is hardly ever an offer of ‘let’s go out to dinner tonight, I’m paying.’

I stay at his 3, occasionally 4 nights a week, but on the majority of those evenings I bring dinner for us both and wine for myself if drinking it. I clean his house (he is generally tidy but a typical man and can be a bit messy) help to look after his 2 dogs.

The other evening he made a hinting comment about how much toilet roll is being used lately with the 2 of us there, so I said I’d bring some round next time I’m there. A few weeks ago he was going to Tesco and I asked him if he could pick me up some make up remover wipes and deodorant as I had ran out of both, he did. They came to a total of £4.90 and he reminded me about that £4.90 within about 15 mins after getting back, I was going to give him the money FGS but it’s £4, I’m sure he’s not going to go bankrupt if he doesn’t get it within the hour.

I will often pay for things if we go out and he’ll say ‘I’ll transfer you half when we get back.’ And I say ‘It’s fine, it’s only £10 FGS’ The other week we went to the cinema, there was a massive que and I said ‘I’ll get the tickets, why don’t you get in the que for the popcorn.’ He said ‘No it’s fine, the film doesn’t start for another 15 mins yet, we’ve got plenty of time’ So, we finally get to the front and it’s so awkward as before I can say anything he goes ‘Ticket for one please to see XXX.’ The cashier looked really embarrassed, looked at us both and repeated ‘Just the one ticket?’ to which I jumped in before he could say anything and said ‘YES and one for me please too after he’s paid for his.’ We then went to the que for food, I stood in front of him and said ‘I’m going to get a medium, mixed popcorn.’ He then said ‘So how much is that, £3.56, I’ll give you the £1.78 when we get home.’ I had had enough at this point as the couple stood behind us (same couple that had stood behind for the tickets too) I could tell were aghast and snapped IT’S FINE, I CAN TREAT YOU TO SOME BLUMMIN POPCORN!! He looked a bit sheepish but said no, I owe you it, I’ll pay half, which he did!

We had a talk when we got home that night as he could tell I was annoyed, I said we are in a relationship, I do not want to quibble over £1.78 etc, and count every penny, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. He said okay, let’s take it in turns to pay for things. Fine, but it really is mostly rigid with that and he even keeps a ‘diary’ of who has paid what, it just feel so…… unromantic?? I don’t mind blummin paying for him and treating him to things because I love him, I don’t expect half back etc or for him to rigidly ensure he treats me the next time.

The thing is, although he’s careful with his money he will OCCASIONALLY be generous with me, i.e get the bill if we go out, or the cinema tickets etc but it will be only be occasionally. He is generous to other people in his life, we had his brother and his wife down a few weeks ago and when they arrived on the Friday evening, he took us all out for a 3 course dinner and paid for the lot, same when his parents and friends have visited, in fact, he is pretty generous with his family and friends? He gave his brother a cheque for £8k when they were last down, to put into his two nephew’s trust funds. I felt an enormous rush of love for him when he did this, it was such a lovely, lovely thing to do.

He also went out and spent £30k on a boat a few weeks ago, so it’s really not like he doesn’t like spending money. He definitely doesn’t mind spending on his hobbies etc, he’s just not into frivolous spending I guess but also, doesn’t yet, seem to want to be generous when it comes to me?

Despite all said above, he is unbelievably kind, caring, supportive, good and generous in bed. He looks after me when I am ill, washes and cleans my car for me randomly when I’m not expecting it, has spent all day when I was on a girls day time cocktail/shopping trip fixing my car and the sole of a boot of mine that had broken, he cooks me dinner, brings me tea and toast in the morning at the weekends, gives me lifts if I need them, supports me in my hobby, is lovely to my friends and family. He is pretty perfect, but, for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable with him re money.

I am aware this post makes me seem like a mercenary gold digger, I promise you I’m not. I really do, I think I have just been really lucky with my ex in that he was an all-round nice guy and generous to boot. I have now met another all-round nice guy but he just tirelessly counts and records every penny when it comes to us and our relationship and I am starting to wonder whether this will continue (given that he is generous with his friends and family) and if so, whether it is a deal breaker for me. He has been vocal about wanting kids and we have talked about the future, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be generous with his children and they would want for nothing…but what about the mother of his children? We haven’t moved in together yet, again he’s hinted but at the moment I am failing to see how it would work, I have cheap rent where I am at the moment, if he expected me to pay half of everything, I would have about £100 a month leftover to pay for things like haircuts, nights out, clothes etc. I would struggle. I would end up resenting him.

You come across as rather grabby tbh.

I doubt you'd have stayed with him 2 years if he was Mr Minimum Wage. You know he's well off, so think some of that money should be coming your way. But it sounds like he's well off because he's careful with money.

Earn your own money, pay your own way. Don't expect a man to support you financially. Sounds like he's cooking while you're cleaning (so doesn't that balance out? Or do you expect to be waited on at his house? And why doesn't he come to yours?). And him fixing your car must have saved you £s.

No, he's not going to 'treat' you all the time, but why should he, just because he's a man?

Bit said it already.

Anyone quibbling over the use of loo roll when having people around would have me running for the hills.

Strange how he likes to hang out the "big generous man" with friends and family but keeps tabs over a couple of pounds with his partner...

And how embarrassing to ask for a cinema ticket for one when he is obviously in a couple. FFS say it beforehand, "we'll go halves, o.k.?"

I think you also need to make a joke out of it more often. Eg. Oooh, this fish pie and asparagus would set you back at least £15 in a restaurant I often say this to dh. We have a laugh over his stinginess and he openly admits he's being stingy. Once he's admitted it to you and himself, a bit of a 'look' should set him straight and get him back on track eg. in the cinema buying tickets.

"Wow, a cleaner would've charged you £30 for that." If you don't say it in a sarcastic way, you hope he could take the joke. Just keep pointing things out, in a funny way.

I can understand the 8K. It is a kind gesture and people are able to generous with big things, but sometimes the small things are harder to let go of as there are a multitude of those decisions to make daily.

And he splits when it suits him, but happily mooches off you (earning far less) when he can. Pretty repellent behaviour.

He's treating you like a housekeeper he can shag.

In terms of the loo roll... Well, I had a friend and her daughter staying recently and I did actually quibble about the loo roll (not to her!). We are a family of 5 and we go through a lot less than the 2 of them. I have no idea what they were doing with it! See, I am not stingy, but I don't like waste.

He is definitely tight with money but he seems quite generous with his time, I don't think you can "change" him but if you do get married I would make sure he understands the financial situation would have to change.

OK, so when they go out together the bill is split half-and-half, but when you go to his place you pay for the food as well as your travel costs - and now consumables like toilet roll are your responsibility as well? That's not "expecting him to pay because he's the man" (wtf did that come from?), it's MEAN.

No, there's nothing wrong with being careful with money. This is more than careful though. I've got casual mates I hardly ever see who wouldn't have pulled that cinema ticket stunt.

Oh and his ex was a gold digger? Highly unlikely. More like she challenged him in his penny pinching!

On *

DP and I keep separate finances. So we pay for our own cinema tickets and when we go out for dinner we pay for ourselves. I don't care if people in the queue or cashiers are aghast, I very much doubt they are or care.

In terms of running the house we pay for various bits each, he earns more than me so he pays for more.

It does sound as if you place a lot of store on how other people spend their money, so you felt 'love' for him when he spend money on his nephews. Being treated and surprised all the time must have been lovely, you need to accept your new DP isn't like that.

Being careful with money is not being a tightwad, I am a spender, DP is a saver. Everyone is different. It's probably to do with how he was brought up as DPs brother is the same.

But you should point out that you are providing food for you both several nights a week and ask if he will contribute.

I know a few people like this. I had (and lived with) an ex who would keep records of how much he spent and split everything down to the last penny. He would ask me for half the cost of the fish and chips, half the cost if he had stopped at the shop for a pint of milk. But of course, thanks to his tightness, had thousands in the bank and would splash out on an expensive holiday, and was sometimes very generous to me, but not day-to-day. It's very hard to live with but I think he only felt secure when he was sitting on a tightly controlled financial mountain.

I also have two relatives like this (though one now late) – rich, generous to family, OK with big purchases, but extremely penny-pinching in everyday life. I actually lodged with one of them for a while when I was a student. I paid weekly rent but if I had a boyfriend over occasionally (which she said she was OK with) I would have to pay an extra £5 a night to cover any hot water/heating he might use! If I had a bath she would insist it was no more than a certain depth. Stuff like that.

I think people can't help being this way but I wouldn't want one as a life partner. I think it's a basic incompatibility and you probably just aren't right for each other.

Also what's with cleaning his house??? You run two separate, independent households – I think cleaning his house sends a very bad message, that you don't consider yourself his equal and will skivvy for him.

He obviously has a different way of handling money than you, which can be fine. There is a lot to be said for being careful with money, rather than so many people who spend what they don't have. However he does seem especially tight when it come to your relationship and I would be wary of taking it further, only because I believe differences in how you handle money, can cause real problems in a relationship.
Your post does read a little bit that you expect him to treat you more, is it because he has a lot more money than you or is it just because he is a man. To my mind, the little thoughtful bits a man does for you, are more meaningful than generous presents.
However you do seem a bit sensitive about things, are you sure the cashier & couple at the cinema were really embarrassed / aghast that you were paying separately. I regularly go the cinema with a friend and we each buy our own ticket & snacks, it's not an issue at all.

yes sakura I agree. That's up to OP to stop buying food every time etc and see what happens.

I'm not sure he's tight so much but he obviously has a very unhealthy attitude to finances within relationships.

DH and I have completely separate accounts, but what we spend roughly balances out overall and we certainly don't log it all. When it comes to personal spending, if one of us picks something up for the other, we'll usually give them the money, but that's because neither of us have so much left over after essentials that we don't need to consider what we're spending. By that I mean stuff over £5-10 pounds that is solely for the other person's use - we don't quibble over popcorn!

So he's got you buying his food and cooking it for him 4 times a week, and you clean his house for him on top of that? And he STILL tots up everything you spend as a couple in his little balance book?

Start invoicing him for your work as a personal chef and cleaner, see how he likes it. I reckon you're looking at about £200 pw. Plus the cost of the raw ingredients

when a man stays over 4 nights a week at his partners and does anything less than pay rent, bring food and flowers, pull his weight with household chores and 'treat' his partner minimum once a week their are cries of cocklodger.

Having said that, buying his own cinema ticket and fussing over a couple of quid takes it to the other extreme.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong, you're just not matched, so probably best you call it a day now.

I bet his ex wasn't a gold digger he just says that to cover up the fact that he is very tight with you.

The cinema thing - well, I'd have just let him buy his one ticket and I'd have gone home.

Honestly, I wouldn't do that to a friend let alone a partner.

Toilet roll?
1.78?
"My ex was such a gold-digger"?

This man is not partner material. His relationship to his pennies is more important to him than his relationship to you.

I've got casual mates I hardly ever see who wouldn't have pulled that cinema ticket stunt.

Absolutely. I would never behave that way with friends (or obviously with DH, that goes without saying).

I don't believe the story about the ex being a gold-digger. That's to stop you from feeling able to challenge this behaviour. Why on earth are you taking dinner to his house? What would happen if you didn't?

Just as an aside, my BF of 2 years and I don't live together. He is over at mine more than I am at his because of DC so I probably feed him a lot more often than he does me. He often turns up with wine. Does a shop for me and pays. Or if we go out he'll say "I'll get this - you've fed me enough this last week". I have no idea if the two even up. I doubt he does. In fact I know he doesn't. But it just seems to work for us.

Yes, I'm not believing in the gold-digger ex, I'm afraid. Based on what you say, it's perfectly possible she simply called him on his charming habits like leaping into asking the cinema till person for a single ticket, or charging you for toilet paper.

I don't think there's anything entitled or gendered about your frustration with his penny-pinching (and I agree with others that it's way beyond the stage of 'careful with money'). As someone else said, I have friends I might see once in three months and it would never occur to me not to buy them a drink or pay for them at the cinema and that at some stage they'll reciprocate. I would be embarrassed and taken aback if a friend who wasn't on the breadline was wittering on about how I owed him four pounds for a small grocery purchase within fifteen minutes of making it. Of course I would pay him back,but could it wait for a few more minutes?

If he's generous with relatives and buys £30k boats, then it sounds as if his penny-pinching is gendered. Someone or something has given him the idea that women with whom he's in a relationship are after his money, and that a canny man won't spend on them.

What is baffling me is the extent to which you seem to be minimising or even going along with this, by paying for the food and cleaning his house on the four nights a week when you stay over, and telling him not to bother laying you back for small purchases?

Is the reason he doesn't stay over at yours because he's afraid he'd have to buy the food?

Either way, his meanness sounds exhausting and unattractive, and suggests he regularly thinks you are less important than that he is returned the £1.47 you owe him.

Disgustingly tight! Complete turn off for me. As an unmarried couple it is fine to split things as they arise, eg, one buys dinner, one buys the next dinner, and so on, but counting things down to the last penny is just awful. He won't ever change and if I was married to someone like that the marriage would not have lasted!

To be fair, the house cleaning and dog walking probably balances out with the car washing/fixing, tea in bed and lifts. (The cooking doesn't count as he'd still have to eat if she wasn't there!) They do both do stuff for each other. Just not money stuff (unless someone else is looking ).

Run fast and don't look back!

I thought a friend of mine had it bad when her husband would buy the huge box of washing powder because it was cheaper than say 4 smaller boxes. Then she had to buy it back from him!!!!