3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

[inmyshoos]

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

Ah, inmyshoes, well put; if I were you I'd just fade gently into the distance away from on them, you don't have to declare it just don't bother putting in all that energy. I had a lovely Gran too like yours and we were very lucky. In the last couple of days I've realised that my mil will never be that and I can't change her or expect any other. This is hard but actually being on here helped. Xx

Different people can read the letter differently.
Some will see the olive branch, others won't.

I'm afraid that getting to letter 3 there isn't much more to say on subject. You have to do what you think is right for your family.

It looks like the letters will keep coming. And they will be pretty much the same. You can just bin them. Or you can tell them to stop writing or contact you.

Hmm, I could post a long drawn out response to you (op) drawing on my own personal experiences. But I'll keep it short and sweet.

Time is a great healer.

I thought my in laws where hell on earth at one point and if I posted some of their actions no doubt you would agree too!

Years later, I can see where I contributed to the problem. ie communication

I'm no longer married to their son (see above) and now I would say things are fine not fantastic just fine.

Things can work out.

This seems to be turning into AIBU.

OPs husband does not want to see his parents and OP has reached the end of the road with what she can do to keep things going. The letter does not change anything or help in any way and is just applying more pressure. They need to look after each other at the moment, not the parents.

I am sure a reconciliation will come when the time is right, but it is not now.

OP, in MY opinion, there is just one final action to take in response to that letter, and it has to come from your husband.

"Dear Peter/Paul (whatever FILs name is),

That door you mention has been closed by you already, it was closed the moment Brenda spelled out Inmyshoos every fault to her and told her that spending time together does not work. Brenda said you both had discussed this and agreed that contact better stop. We do no wish to reopen that door, it is only fair you know the score. There is no point continuing to write.

Best Regards,
William"

Evening OP

I read your other threads.
It seems that your DH wants to continue NC, your two eldest don't care, your youngest DD might miss her gran. You would either like a genuine apology for the character assassination and a reconciliation whereby you and your family are treated with the same kindness and generosity as other family members OR you would like to be NC without being slandered as the catalyst/instigator.

I think you are damned every which way tbh. In your shoes I would either write a reply with dh with a list of what the problems have been, are or would continue to be, copied to DB/other members suffering the knock on effects of the estrangement in the knowledge that the content will be scrutinised and refuted OR you accept that NC is working for you all, ignore this letter, change your phone numbers, be out on the 20th and refuse to get dragged back in. If you want it clear return the letter and future missives unopened (or steam-opened, read, then resealed) Return to sender. (No longer at this address if you can stomach the fall-out but return to sender better imho). If brother contacts you or DH then you say simply your door is always open to him, not cold, but that it is better for you as a family not to be in touch with parents.
The futures being secure comment was absolutely a disintegrating threat btw but th that would probably happen in any case if they are as toxic as you say.

Disinheriting not disintegrating but letter above is spot on (albeit mum will say you twisted her words/deny the content but you know that don't you?) Sometimes no reply IS a reply and the opposite to love is indifference...control freaks hate indifference above all else (I should know, I am one).

I know I will be slammed for this , but as I mentioned above : I had really bad time with my inlaws, and I mean a really bad time. No physical stuff but a lot of personal attacks etc to the point we went non contact for a couple of years.

However, we somehow managed to get back on an even keel possibly due to the children and I'm glad we have done so.

I would never thought this would EVER happen but I'm glad it did.

Sorry I missed the Mumsnet Rule which states an OP has a limit on how many threads she makes about the same issue.

Going no contact with family is not an easy decision to make! I think if I had the same situation I'd be coming back here for support and advice with each letter; Do I stay NC, do I write a final letter this time? Etc. etc. I don't understand why the OP is being berated for coming back with this same issue for 6 months+...this IS hard for her, and her family.

I suggest some of you who are taking issue with the length of time and number of threads it is taking the OP to resolve this issue to just hide the threads. There's a dear.

Abso-bloody-lurked Saga!

I think there is a chance this might be the last letter. Although extremely possible too that fil won't like not being obeyed.

I think best scenario is to ignore again, be prepared to be out on 20th and IF there's another letter, Then reply and say No Contact IS no contact, please respect our privacy as we are respecting your decision to end contact.

Post as often as you need to. There are way more people here who understand your situation than those who don't.

Trust your instincts, if you feel the inlaws are threatening you, then they are. You know him, how he speaks etc. your dh knows them even better. Take his lead. He's not being rash, or spiteful. To do what he's doing is excruciatingly hard.

Lutely! Abso-bloody-lutely.

Not replying to the letters (at least once, to say no more contact please if that's what they want) is the ultimate in passive aggressive behaviour I thought we didn't like that on Mumsnet?

It's only your opinion that it is passive-aggressive, Mintyy and the OP has made it clear that they are still a bit wobbly/unsure on what do to facilitate the best outcome to foster relationships between the PIL and her DCs.

Why does everyone have to be the same on Mumsnet?

Why is it passive aggressive when you have been told NC is the best thing by the other party so do what they said?

That they are now changing their tune doesn't mean OP and her H have to. Nor that they should drop from NC to remind them.

Also please remember it is the son, OP's H in all this who is standing firm on the NC after his life time until now of being treated second class by his family.

That he sees this being repeated on his DC, realises this is unacceptable and they deserve better and his will not subject them to the same shirty behaviour is a good thing.

Just read really quickly so sorry if not useful. But the bit about you refusing a drink for your son because it has aspartame in it? May go some way to explaining why they are distant with your kids and buy them the same toys as the other grandkids.

Refusing the drink was very rude. There are no proven bad effects to aspartame and yhey are grandparents. If you want a big happy family with them you have to trust their judgment not do stuff like that over a drink! I would find you rude and u thoughtful for that behaviour.

Perhaps they buy them the same to show that they want to treat them the same. Not preciously over daft things like they are too good for things everyone else has like aspartame. You mentioned home births, that's lovely for you but a lot of people consider it risky, it's just an opinion. I wouldn't get too stressed over it.

I know I have no clue to the depths of this but don't slam doors because of the 'vital' opinions on child rearing you have when they are young. You find that when the kids get older you will laugh at how daft you've been, don't burn bridges because of it.

Ultimately it's up to your DH though.

I think an awful lot of posters are seeing it from the point of view of how they would feel if they had a spat with their children and ended up not being able to see them/grandchildren again. My parents had their issues but I can't imagine having cut them out, because they were my parents and I was pretty much biologically programmed to love them; plus, issues aside, they did do their best to bring us up and mostly did a good job. (Larkin was right!) Likewise I have sons, one of whom is married, and if I were to fall out with DIL (unlikely - she's ace) and DS pulled out of my life in solidarity I would be devastated, of course. So far, so normal.

But the empathy is only going one way. Where's the empathy for the OP's DH? The OP is not trying to persuade her husband to cut his own parents out of his life because of one snippy conversation with his mother. This is a man who has chosen to go no contact, his mother's announcement to the OP that they (the parents) thought it best being the last straw. What must it have taken to get him to that point? Why is he open to being separated from the people he's pretty much programmed from birth to bond with? Why did he feel more relief than sadness when they said they were going NC? And why isn't he leaping at the chance to get back with them? Could it be, could it possibly be that he has had a lifetime's experience of these people and is well aware of what his father means by the series of letters? Is OP really dripping poison into his ear or do you think he might know his own mind in this?

The latest letter, whilst not at all conciliatory, looks as if FIL has made some attempt to be less imperious, some polite-sounding flourishes in the ps's, but really, leaving the formal style aside (my father's letter-writing was horrendously formal, he wasn't comfortable writing and went super-dignified to make up for it), it isn't a nice letter. Don't the posters who read it as an olive branch think the "getting colder" bit is horrible? Would you love your children less for not getting in touch quickly, or miss them more?

I wonder if he addressed it jointly to the OP because he felt she would be a softer touch... but of course I don't know what went through his mind when he wrote it. Nor do you, nor does the OP, who at least knows him. The one who is most likely to be able to read between the lines is his son, who lived with him for 24 years and has been in regular contact ever since. And he thinks his old man is a wanker.

Or, what Magoria said in two lines

Great post, Annie.

Well said, Annie.

Totally agree with everything annie says and am glad all you "give them another chance" people have never had the misfortune to have family members like this man.

Ive been no contact with my inlays for 4.5 years.

Honestly, for worse behaviour than your inlaws.
And its hell. It awful.
My marriage nearly ended. Dh retreated and left me all alone (metaphorically).

He wasn't able to cope with the pain and sadness that going NC entails.
Its all very well saying go NC. But its a bloody long road.
We almost divorced. Dh was growing in FOG and I was left holding the fort. Thankfully we had marriage counselling and we have survived. We are happy and we are still NC.

Its awful inmyshoos and I don't recommend it.

You REALLY need to speak to your partner and not us.

Ask him what he wants to do and why.

And then do it.

Get counselling.

Oh god, this stood out But you don't go round cutting your family off because unless they are actually harming you, it's just mean! - mean? Mean?? Oh dear, I've been mean to my selfish, absent, scapegoating father. Mean.

And the PP who said we have a duty of care to those who brought us up, loved us, and sacrificed for us - well, if he'd actually done any of those things, maybe I'd feel a bit obligated, yes. But he didn't, and I've been blissfully NC for over 20 years now.

OP if your DH wants to go NC, you want to go NC, then go NC. Chuck letters, don't read emails, don't answer the door.

I remember your previous threads OP, poor you. And post as much as you want.

To me, this doesn't read like a genuine attempt at conciliation, it's more "how dare you not do what we say".

If you and your DH want to maintain NC then do so. You might find it helpful to seek some outside, RL support with this.

Unfortunately you will always get people who think you are being awful for doing this, for a variety of reasons. You know what? You know the truth of the matter, they don't.

Ive had letters from my xpil detailing my faults too! and hidden stealth style inside a christmas card!! two years running. The third year I threw it straight in to the recycling without opening.

I think that what kua says has truth in it but the going no contact is an essential part of the process and you can't necessarily get to where kua is without going through a peiord of nc.

I have tipped off my xmil as to when my dc will be with her son and I think she must acknowledge that I don't have to do that. But I did it for her out of kindness because I am not ... all the things she has accused me of.

Mind you, it's not that my xpil are capable of respecting me but they understand that they must hold back on giving me their opinion of me all the time.

I did nothing wrong. My xpil made the clicheéd victorian assumption that any woman who left their son must be mad. Woman not doing what she is told = hysterical. So, after trying to defend my right to leave their son, finally I wised up and gave up.

ps, having been through something of a similar nature, I don't believe that people have a right to present you with a list of all your faults and put you on trial and seize control of all the decisions because of all your 'faults'. That is abusive and controlling and I can see reading this thread that people who haven't been through it can't comprehend how hard it is to deal with it.