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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

372 replies

inmyshoos · 01/05/2015 14:59

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

OP posts:
Mintyy · 01/05/2015 21:44

I've re-read all of op's previous threads and, quite obviously, whilst I cannot know all the ins and outs of their family situation, I am inclined to believe that there are two stories here.

If op were a rl friend of mine I might not back her all the way. I wonder how helpful it actually is to do this?

Fil could be a nasty manipulative control freak for all I know. But at the same time he is trying to maintain a relationship.

What actually mildly pisses me off about op and her dh is that they don't seem to have the guts to reply to one of these letters and put an end to it.

Op just keeps coming back to Mumsnet to ask for more validation.

Ultimately that is quite tedious.

If you are so sure of your position then spell it out to inlaws and have done with it!

Mintyy · 01/05/2015 21:45

Ha!

Spectacular cross post with Shirley!

I agree with you Shirl.

GoodtoBetter · 01/05/2015 21:50

You see, having experience of the kind of twat who actually writes like this I have to disagree that he wants to make amends. He wants the last word.

GoodtoBetter · 01/05/2015 21:52

Why would you want to stay in touch with a nasty manipulative control freak who writes threatening passive aggressive messages. His own son described him as a wanker and would rather not be in contact.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/05/2015 21:52

YY good and any response by op and dh will bring about a further attempt to have the last word using their letter as ammunition.

Then they'll get a letter from a flying monkey.

PeppermintPasty · 01/05/2015 21:53

Shirley and Mintyy you see, I don't think they do want to make amends. They want the op and her dh to toe the line. Surely you can see it's more about power and control than anything else?

elsabelle · 01/05/2015 21:53

I am staggered too PeppermintPasty but from the other side.

If a parent is abusive then of course. But he just sounds like a bit of a dick. Who doesnt have a person like that in their family. There are lots of people like that in life. We cant just cut them all out! And who's to say we wont all become a bit of a dick ourselves when we're old, cranky and set in our ways. Jeez, not much compassion and understanding on this thread.

Joysmum · 01/05/2015 21:53

Who give a shot if there's 2 stories. This relationship isn't working for the OP and her DH. Since when did there have to be agreement from a perpetrator to to action against them?

PeppermintPasty · 01/05/2015 21:56

Elsabelle, he's not some benign old sod cracking inappropriate jokes at family dinners. I think you are minimising it, or missing the very obvious barbs behind his words.

DistanceCall · 01/05/2015 21:59

I'm really staggered by the answers saying that you should put up with people who treat you badly and are just "a bit of a dick", "as long as they don't harm you". Treating you badly IS harming you.

More specifically, these people are treating the OP's children in a way that is visibly different from their other grandchildren - apparently, merely because they do not get on so well with the OP and her husband.

People are entitled to get on or not with other adults (although the OP's husband's parents seem astonishingly ready not to have a relationship with their son). But I draw the line at children. The OP's will soon realise that they receive second-class treatment from their grandparents by comparison to their cousins. And that is something that I wouldn't allow anyone to do to my children (or to any children).

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 01/05/2015 22:00

I don't know the back story but can't believe anyone can read that letter and think it's reasonable or conciliatory. A loving parent doesn't write a letter like that. I would challenge the PPs who do think it's a reasonable letter to reflect why they think that.

Of course you can cut toxic people out of your life. It's a healthy thing to do. Until we point to unhealthy, controlling and abusive behaviour and state that we will not put up with it, it will keep on going.

Lweji · 01/05/2015 22:05

OP, just keep ignoring the letters and bin them as soon as you realise nobody has died or anything like that.

It must be driving them mad. :)

Original poster
inmyshoos · 01/05/2015 22:17

mintyy it's not about guts. And fwiw i had the guts to speak in person to my mil about how we were feeling. I asked how we could resolve things, make our relationship better because we very much wanted to be part of the big happy family and she threw it all back in my face. Fil? Well he has guts. Thats why he went out and stood round the back of the house to avoid having to talk to me but came out as i drove away to shake his head. Yip, that takes guts.

And i spoke to my mil on the phone the first time after we had our 'chat' hoping she would have had time to think and maybe apologise for being rude and hurtful when there was absolutely no need, but she didn't. She asked about the weather.

I come on here because i want a balanced opinion and i realise my friends love me and might want to side with me withput realising it.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 01/05/2015 22:22

I think it is quite probable that some loving parents don't know how to write conciliatory letters, just as some Mumsnetters don't know how to write articulate ops, or choose the correct spelling and grammar.

Where I am having problems here is that some of you are so certain that the ils are toxic/evil.

For instance, one of op's gripes against mil is that she didn't want to travel several hours and stay for a few days to spend time with her dd when she broke her arm. Well ... ya know? ... is that unreasonable? Why can't her own mum and dad look after her. It is a broken arm, not prolonged hospital stays or anything that unduly affects the rest of the family. If she lived nearby then mil might well have "helped out" (not sure what help is required that 2 parents can't manage) but she doesn't so it's not quite the same.

But, anyway, granted, ils may be utterly toxic and foul. Who knows? But if they are then op should just bloody reply to one of their letters and put a stop to it!

She can just reply "We don't wish to have any further contact and we don't wish to explain our reasoning. We will definitely NOT reply to any further letters/emails/text messages or voicemails from you. Please do not attempt to contact us again, as you will be ignored".

Instead, she comes back to Mumsnet every couple of months for a bit more outrage.

It is this which makes me feel that there is an element of drama-llama-ing going on here.

Hissy · 01/05/2015 22:26

elsabelle "Hissy its not all about our own personal happiness. There should also be a sense of love, care and duty to family members who have loved us, raised us and made sacrifices for us over many years. If we all only what made us happy the world wouldn't be a very nice place."

If I HAD parents like that love, I'd agree with you!

I didn't. Not busy a long shot.

What about the duty of care they SHOULD have shown me? But chose not to?

Please don't judge others by your own yardstick.

The time I had to call the police to stop my dm husband shoving my son about in our own home was terrifying. My son- aged 8- yellow, visibly yellow with adrenaline and fear, said he wished they would just DIE. He just wanted it to end.

NEVER underestimate what people like shoos or many others describe here.

If you want a set of parents, honestly take mine, they come with step families too. But you won't thank me.

Actually, with their history they'd be AWESOME to you. Being lovely to strangers is what they are all REALLY good at.

they have all, individually harmed me directly AND my son. My job is to protect him and keep him healthy, happy and safe. Having them in my life is at odds with that.

Mintyy · 01/05/2015 22:27

Ok if it's not about guts, what is it that is stopping you from drawing a line under it all?

All the people who are saying "just ignore" are advising you to take the easy way out/be passive aggressive.

Spell out your case. Tell them to stop writing. Throw any future letters in bin.

Hissy · 01/05/2015 22:28

Shoos, you or your h have done nothing wrong. This is narc family 101, my m did it with voicemail, but all hers were nicey nicey as if nothing had happened. If challenged she denied it with menace.

Mintyy · 01/05/2015 22:29

Hissy - dreadful - but relevant to op?

PeppermintPasty · 01/05/2015 22:33

Slight side issue, but yes Hissy what is it with that nice to strangers shit!!! Talk to their own children like they're dog muck, then turn it on for Mrs Boggins from the butchers. Kills me every time Grin

magoria · 01/05/2015 22:54

NC is NC.

It is not NC until we reply to your attempts to get us to stop NC.

Any form of reply is a step back from NC and OP's H and she then have to start from scratch again.

There is no love or affection in any of the letters.

Mintyy · 01/05/2015 23:00

Well how about op does everyone a favour and actually spells it out to ils that they wish to be "NC" and will be "NC" from today?

Instead of starting new threads on here every time she receives a letter.

If she really wanted to be NC she wouldn't have opened them!

Original poster
inmyshoos · 01/05/2015 23:13

mintyy did you miss the bit where i said i would be open to contact for the sake of my dc having a relationship with terms that suited EVERYONE. Dh thinks no chance but hasn't done anything other thsn stress about it. Going nc would not be my choice if there was ANY possible way forward, HOWEVER it is not my call.

Not sure your 'do everyone a favour' comment is needed. I came on for opinions on the letter. Because maybe most people would see an Olive branch that I was missing. I live in hope of some tiny chance that they might have an ounce of warmth in their bones. It is not about drama fgs this is my childrens Grandparents. I just need to be sure that whatever decision we make is the right one for yhe sake of our dc. Is that so hard to understand. It's not some drama at the school gate. I loved my Gran. I would give anything to have one more day with her, to link arms with her as we potter around charity shops or dit on her sofa watching black and white films. I don't wang to deny my children the chance to have something worth missing but equally I do not want them to be hurt and damaged by controlling bullies.

OP posts:
Original poster
inmyshoos · 01/05/2015 23:16

Sorry about typos, I am tired and teary and off to bed.
Thanks for all the thoughts on the matter.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 01/05/2015 23:25

It has been going on for more than 6 months so I wonder how much more advice you need?

From the way you have written your op you seem pretty convinced that your ils (Fil at least) are entirely unreasonable.

Time to pee or get off the potty, imo.

Interrobang · 01/05/2015 23:27

I have two thoughts, op.

One, I would support your DH and back up his stance. He knows them better than you do, and if he wants to go NC, I would do that. His family, his choice. If he feels damaged by them, he has every right to protect his DC from that same damage.

Two, NC MAY make them realise the errors of their ways, and they MAY decide to make genuine amends, with actions not just words. We certainly got that result when we went NC over similar favouritism issues, and now feel our DC is treated favourably and genuinely, and the relationship is very good. That said, your PIL do sound a bit more rubbish.

Bottom line for me is, do not feel obligated just because you are related. Family have no rights over us any more than other people - I wouldn't accept shoddy treatment from anyone. If your little family feel at peace with cutting them out, so be it.