3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

[inmyshoos]

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

It isn't acceptable

I haven't said it was acceptable - but actually the OP & DH are accepting it, to the point of being defeated by it. They're letting themselves and their relationship with their PIL be defined by it.

If they detached and needed their approval less, it wouldn't matter so much.

Some people are unmanageable, but from all the info across multiple threads, I don't personally think these two are.

response*....and other spelling mistakes...I'm cooking and typing!

I disagree Attila.

Family are different to friends. My life was no better or worse for having known my gm. She never did much (if anything) for me but neither did I ask for anything.

I'd rather have known my gm than have come from the sort of family with splits and factions and x not speaking to y and this side never seeing that side.

Life's too short.

Hissy its not all about our own personal happiness. There should also be a sense of love, care and duty to family members who have loved us, raised us and made sacrifices for us over many years. If we all only what made us happy the world wouldn't be a very nice place.

But you don't go round cutting your family off because unless they are actually harming you

Why not? Either they behave reasonably, or they can behave unreasonably around someone else. Why have people in your life that make you feel worse than when they aren't in your life?

Oh meant to say that before dh and I were together he only saw his parents once or twice a year at most.

Before I met them dh told me his mum was ok but his dad was a 'wanker' () When i met them i was really pleasantly surprised. Dh told me not to be fooled that his dad was obviously on his 'best behaviour'. It took a couple of years for me to see the other side of him and a few more for mil to bloom! Between dh and myself, I am the one more willing to consider contact of some description but then I am less affected by them. They are not MY parents and I am less intimidated by them than dh. I can be open and honest with them, dh has so much emotional baggage he can't speak to them honestly at all. He just gets all stressed and nothing that makes any sense comes out. Its horrible.

If they detached and needed their approval less, it wouldn't matter so much.

Isn't it normal to want your parents to approve of, or even, like you?

inmyshoes fwiw, I think you're handling it really well. You sound incredibly supportive of your DH but on the other hand, protective of your little family and also weighing up how it all affects your dd's relationship with your PIL.

I don't think there is anything YOU need to do differently. I think, with no contact, they will see that the only way they will break through is if they think about how they are behaving and how they can change. If they do, then great.

If they can't, then it's their loss, not yours (or DH's).

A friend was talking to me about his MIL the other day. She told him off for drinking too much (he barely drinks) and complained that their living room rug was entirely too big and insists on buying them a new one. She's also very unhappy at one of the proposed guests at a forthcoming family party - she doesn't approve. She absolutely favours the other sibling and wife and children. My friend doesn't have children. My friend shrugged and laughed. It doesn't reflect on him - it's just her weird way. He actually likes her but more to the point he is not defined by her. I just thought what a refreshing attitude.

There should also be a sense of love, care and duty to family members who have loved us, raised us and made sacrifices for us over many years.
Not everyone's parents are like this. I know people from happy families find this hard to understand so I'll say it reeeeeeally slowly:

Sometimes unpleasant, dysfunctional people have children. They become unpleasant, dysfunctional, damaging parents.

Try to have a bit of empathy, please instead of trotting out the usual guilt tripping "but they're your parents, how will you feel when they die" BOLLOCKS. Maybe the parents should have a little think about that? Nobody cuts their parents off lightly. Those letters are CLASSIC manipulative, narcissistic diatribes. I have received pretty much the same from my own mother. Just think about this for a minute, if it were YOU (a normal, well-adjusted person) and your son didn't want to speak to you, wouldn't you be falling over yourself to make amends? Instead of sending passive aggressive stroppy shit (cos that's what this is). Catch yourselves on.

It's about what you'd expect a parent to write in his situation if he wanted to reconcile.

This is what I find the most staggering to be honest. That people somehow think that's a love-letter to a father who misses his son. I mean, really?

Dss cut contact with DH for some time. DH wrote letters. He never ever demanded DSS explain what he was doing, never listed previous attempts of contact, never said - the door is open - BUT only for a bit, never threatened to financially cut him off, never gave dates.

DHs letters were open, loving and patient: exactly what you'd expect a parent to write in this situation. The FIL here is not normal or well-adjusted at all.

Going NC with somebody can't be explained by what they do, it's all about how they make you feel and whether that's able to be overcome/overlooked to maintain a relationship with them.

These letters are very manipulative and strange. They have a strange legalistic tone. I would not reply in any circumstances. If people want to reconcile, they think and express their thoughts and feelings in that process - they don't send letters that sound as if some fearful action is in prospect if you don't do as they say. Despite the letter's phrasing, it indicates that you both will lose something. They are apparently preparing for emotional winter by growing cold. Give over. The letter writer is an angry, controlling person.

You will get another one for sure.

I agree pink and they strike me as some strange attempt at evidence building. It's like when you're trying to dispute a bill with a company. "I've written to you previously on such and such date..." Weird.

GoodtoBetter please don't presume to know whether i am from happy family or not.

And as someone whose parents have died, i am simply trying to put across my point that there are often lots of regrets and sadnesses once the person is dead. That is not bollocks, that is a fact, and everyone who has lost someone has certain things they wished they had done differently.

Empathy works both ways and whilst i have empathy for the OP and her difficult situation, i think there is also some to be had for grandparents who are being cut off from their son and gcs and are trying to rectify the situation.

elsabelle I am really sorry to hear that your parents died. I am sorry if you felt hurt by my comments. But I am really sick of people assuming that everyone's parents have good motives. This parent is clearly an angry and controlling person because he just wouldn't write a letter like that if he really wnated to rectify the situation. Why is it so hard for some people to understand that other people can have parents who are quite simply cunts who it is better not to be in contact with?

No idea of the backstory, but can't you get a restraining order to prevent further contact?

pink & saga they are oddly formal yes. I wonder if it is that 'tightness' that has made the relationship between the DH and his DF strained over the years. It reminds me very much of FIL's tone and he doesn't really understand closeness in a familial way. And the OP sounds as if she knows her own mind which doesn't sit well in that strained environment.

I'm projecting here obviously and thinking of the horror caused by little old veggie, lefty, feminist me

Well I've just lost my father and my only regret is that he wasn't able to treat me decently when he was alive . he didn't care about me or my children . i certainly regret that I let him have some contact with my oldest child and hurt her . And I'm proud that I protected my other children , that I put their welfare ahead of my own fear and guilt .

So elsa belle , please don't generalise from your own experience to everyone else . It's not " fact " , it's just your own opinion and experience , its different from mine .

And to those of you who think the letter is quite reasonable and conciliatory - is that how you write to your own children ?

I find it interesting that all the posters who say they are grandmothers or mothers in law say they woudl never take that tone. Most PIL I know bend over backwards to get on with their children's partners, especially once they have children . They are wise enough to know that they are the ones who have to make most of the concessions , not the other way around

i think there is also some to be had for grandparents who are being cut off from their son and gcs and are trying to rectify the situation.

That might be true in general, but do you really think the letters the OP has received indicate people who are trying to rectify the situation? Letters about "family events" and blatant inheritance trawling aren't rectifying, they're about twisting the OP and her husband's arms in an attempt to make them behave.

And the whole crap about listing the dates of previous letters is probably something they think will help in the almost inevitable doomed attempt to go to court. Has anyone, ever, written to family referring to previous letters by date?

Unfortunately until you've walked in the OPs shoes (pardon pun) and have dealt with true narcs in your or your partners family, you don't ever really understand.

Human nature makes us want to see the good in people but there is no good to be seen in narcs. Yes its sad, and yes there will be reasons why they are like this and you 'are where you are'. But there's no changing them, only changing how you react or interact with them, including going NC.

My FIL called when we were out about 4 weeks ago. DH called him back next day, left message on answer machine. FIL didn't get message as phone was broken until a couple of days ago. However took the hump and didn't call DH on his birthday as "punishment". Totally unnecessary and a very small insight in to what we deal with. Its never the one incident that does it. Its the constant spiteful episodes over the decades that brings the NC.

StaceyAndTracey Apologies for generalising. I have learned from both bereavement books and counselling that the majority of people have some regrets after a loved one dies, regardless of how good the the relationship was. I certainly think it is unusual to have absolutely no regrets at all, but yes i stand corrected, it is not fact.

namechanged i just think its a formal, old fashioned and stuffy way of writing, and in that style people may refer to dates and previous correspondance. Maybe i am being naive. But then maybe you are reading too much into it. We cant know for sure.

I am genuinely staggered by some of the views here.

I am a strong sensible adult. I was a strong sensible child. The damage my emotionally abusive mother dealt out did not kill me, I 'dealt with it', deal with it, as well as I can, but bugger me, it has affected me whether I like it or not. It has taken me years of living my own life, with experiences like having my own dc (talk about the scales falling from my eyes) to put her treatment of me into perspective.

But hey, perhaps I should be grateful After all, she's my dear mother, she's family. Suck it up. Er, no thanks.

As someone who went NC with my parents 20 years ago , my Dad is now dead and I received nothing ( nor do I care ) .. I have no regrets.

The NC does get very easily banded around on this site...It is not an easy decision. I tried a few times over the years but it took a long time to finally see I have done the right thing.

I feel particulary for your DH in all this

I have followed the whole story and feel really sorry for your inlaws. I think you should build bridges. And I now await a torrent of abuse from all who disagree . There are faults on both sides but THEY WANT TO MAKE AMENDS.

I repeat I have read all the threads. I think Mumsnet relationships advice is sometimes dangerous. So many people with their own agendas . So much bitterness and hatred.
You sound difficult to be quite honest.