found out yesterday my dh has had an affair.

[granarybeck]

i don't know how to cope or what to do. i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

big hugs I don't know what to say - did he tell you, does he know you know,(sounds dead nosy but not just trying to think about how I'd feel) I think I would try and find out if it is all over how long age it was ect. and then decide what to do.Sorry can't help more but thinking of you

Hi, granarybeck. I'm so sorry to read your news. The first thing is, is it still going on? What are you up against?

People are here for you.

i found out because i was using his mobile and he took it from me which was very out of character and i could see the look of panic in his face. i pushed and pushed him until he told me. he had met a friend of a clients and slept with her. he frequently works in london and stays there and they had met up there. he says it only happened once but he had spoke to her a lot between meeting her and meeting up with her. he says it is over but i know they are still in some contact as that was why he didn't want me to see his phone as she had texted him on tuesday, platonically he says. i just don't know how you can start to ever forgive/forget/trust him again. i know it was a long term thing but its the sex thing that really gets to me.

It is extremely painful to discover that your nearest and dearest has shared intimacy with someone else and kept it a secret from you. At this moment it hurts like hell. But you won't go on feeling like this forever, I promise. You can forgive. It may take time, and it can only happen if your dh is truly sorry, but you can forgive, if you want to.

But for now, it's all fresh and new, and you have a road to travel. Is your dh sorry? Has he said that it is you he wants? I think you and he still have a lot of talking to do.

How many children do you have, and what ages are they?

I think the forgive /forget / trust thing is really down to how your h behaves now .I think you can forgive but it will take time and really depends on h's actions now. Basically you both need to talk about why it happened and what can be done now to make everything in you relationship good if that is the path you choose to take

Sorry Granarybeck, it is a disgusting pain, i hope you get peace of heart and the answers you need.

Sometimes, granarybeck, a new dimension of maturity and trust can grow from the guilt and realisation of the stupidity of his actions and the devastation of the pain he is causing you.
It doesn't help much for now I know - and some men will always be utter tossers - but I know, from bitter experience, that good CAN come of an affair if you are both completely honest with eachother and both talk, talk, talk, talk, talk until you can't talk (or cry ) any more.
(((hugs)))

he say he is sorry and regrets it. at the moment that doesn't mean anything to me but i think he does mean it. my kids are 6 and 7. before this i thought we were really happy and it is a complete shock, i know everyone must say this but he really is the last person i thought would do this. we have always been ver close and told each other everything. till now

agree with goosey keep strong and allow yourself time to think do not feel pressurised in to any course of action

granarybeck, my heart goes out to you (and I saw your message on my thread "after the affair when does the pain stop"I KNOW just how you are feeling at this moment as it has happened to me recently. You are in shock, disbelief,can't understand, pain, physical sickness... do not even begin to think about forgiveness yet. It is too great a jump. Now is the time to just come to terms with it and all the implications for you and the way you feel about him and yourself.My situation was similar 16 years very very happy and open relationship- then he had an affair with someone at work it lasted 3/4 months and I am broken hearted BUT I am mending that broken heart. we are working things out- you dh is ahead of you with the emotional thing and he was in control of the situation. Now you must take control he has lost the right to privacy on this issue he must answer all your questions honestly (no matter how much it will hurt you- all this "I didn't tell you because it would hurt you" too late the damage is done you can't hurt anymore than you are now and you need the knowledge you need to assess the damage to find your own stance in all this.At this stage you will be obsessed by the details so ask those questions- you do move beyond them to the why questions and they are the hardest to answer! Please talk to me on this or the other thread let it all out you will need to retell and retell the whole thing it's healthy for you, you are the strong one here you are now in control. Keep talking to your dh open honest deep talking , despiye the pain it will bring out.I know it is the only way to start the healing.Thinking of you today very much gb. there are a lot of people there for you. You are not alone.

It sounds as if you have a very good marriage at stake here and if you think it is worth fighting for don't do anything vengeful. My advice would be to try and get your children out of the house this weekend, ask a relative or friend to have them. You don't need to explain why, just say a personal crisis has come up and you need some time, or that you are ill.

Get him alone and thrash it all out with him. You need all your questions answered before you can think about forgiveness. You also need for him to see how much his actions have hurt and disappointed you. Don't bottle it up, show him how serious this is. You need to feel that he 'gets it' before you can move on.

Next, I would advise that you go to relate. They can help you communicate better. With the best will in the world, we are not experts, but they are, and can guide you to identifying the problem areas and suggest ways of easing them. They are very happy to counsel couples who are not at the point of splitting, but want to mend fences in their relationship.

Your dh needs to clear up the mess he has made without complaint and with total willingness and commitment. He needs to reassure you and give you extra love to heal the wounds he has caused. If he does all this, I am sure you will be able to get over this.

I wish you luck, and hope your future is as you wish. Please remember mumsnetters are a very caring lot and are always here for you to be listened to. Lots of love.

Me again - just to give you some lonr tem hope I'm just offto meet my dh for lunch- something we never did before recent events!!

And, sorry, I meant to add, your dh has to understand that this must never ever happen again. If you go through all this and he sees how hurt you are by it and does it again, leave him.

thankyou so much gg. i don't know anyone else who has been through this. what made you decide to stick at it and work things out. at the moment i can't face working things out but i can't face the thought of never being with him again (even though at present time i could happily murder him) and of losing my security of a future, a house, an income, a family - that may sound mercenary but otherwise he has not only wrecked our relationship but my life as well. i have put my life on hold really for the past eight years and was happy to do so whilst he built up his career as that worked for us as a family, but now i feel left behind.

janstar, thankyou what you say makes sense to me and i agree. what i don't know is how when goes to stay in london which is usually quite a few days a month how will i know whether he does it again. even if i build up trust in him i feel i will never know and so the trust won't be real. he's seen the serious consequences my reaction to him telling me this time has produced so i can't imagine he'd tell me again. i appreciate i am in hysterical ranting just found out mode.

message withdrawn

Since you don't know anyone else who has been through this, why not check out some of the other threads in the relationships area? You will find you are not the only one and may find reading some of the other conversations helpful.

are relate really so good? i've seen lots of people suggesting them on mn

Give it a go. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Gb, Janstar's advice is sound. I went to (and am still going to) a counsellor (not relate as in my area I couldn't get an appointment and it was going to be very expensive) I found a private local service. I went by myself in the week after I first found out- I was able to cry and rant and rave and pour it all out to someone not emotionally involved who basically let me, but kept asking me pertinant questions as I went along. It allowed me to formulate my true feelings about the situation- I decided that although I NEVER thought my dh would ever hurt or decieve me in this way and he did, what we had had together for the past21 years (16 of them married)was stronger and more real and much more special than his little fantasy of an affair. I also decided that our relationship had never been tested before, no problems/worries/dilemmas- this was the first time (oh and what a big one!!!)BUT I couldn't just give up on us. We are all human we do make mistakes my dh made an enormous one that nearly cost him his wife and 3 children (age 7,9 11). He had, I believe a "mid life crisis" and was living ,for a few months a fantasy world.Affairs are fuelled by the fantasy and the elicit nature of them thats why gb you have to make this as real as you can for your dh make him talk about what on earth he was thinking. Take him through the senarios:- he leaving/you kick him out/ seeing the children only by appointment/ holidays apart/ never waking up next to you again etc etc (just read some of the threads and you'll see all those things happening in people's lives.)When I found out and got my head round it I made reality hit hard for my dh and the woman he was seeing. I went to see her and in a very calm and civilised way (took every once of strength I had)told her that their fantasy was over and gave her loads of details, photos etc of me my dh and our children together. There is nothing like reality looking you right in the face to take the excitement out of an affair. I was no longer the little wife in the background I was there in front of her being nice!!!! Then gb we both went to counselling and he was forced to try to explore the why questions. We are doing very well. I still get days where the sadness of the last few months overwhelms me and I cry and cry- it is a grieving process, you are grieving for the specialness of your relationship which he threw away without your permission!Gb give yourself time , don't make any hasty decisions, keep him talking and above all make him stop any contact with this woman (if possible /work problem etc)It can get better, you can come back from this.

goerdiegirl i so wish i could be as strong as you have been, and sucha good person to forgive him. I have since found out it wasn't just once (meetings, letters, valentine's cards etc) he told me but only when he knew i was going to ask her.I spoke to her and can't believe i was so polite and calm, even though i was shaking inside. she confirmd everything he had said, i just needed to know i knew everything, as far as i could. i thought we had such a strong relationship that could get over anything but now i feel the relationship and he was just not what i thought. i think of all the conversations we had whilst he was seeing her and everything becomes meaningless. did your dh stay with you from when you found out? i feel i need him to leave but can't say goodbye to him and my life, i just wish i could have my old life back.

granarybeck, it is very early days for you to be able to forgive yet. There is a process you both have to go through first, he has to satisfy you that he understands what he has done, what he has put you through, what he has risked. He has to demonstrate that he understands that this must never happen again, or it will be the end. He has to show a real commitment to reassuring you of his regret and love and trying to clear up the mess he has made. Only then will you honestly be able to forgive him.

Don't give up on your marriage, sweetheart. There is hope. As a good friend once said to me, if we all gave up on our primary relationships every time things got tough, we would all be alone and unloved. How right she was.

It's terribly painful, and it's absolutely not fair that your dh has betrayed and hurt you, but the fantastic marriage you have had is not a figment of your imagination - it's worth trying to hang on to it all, isn't it? I so hope you dh thinks so and is willing to make amends to you.

Keep talking and talking and talking.

i don't want to give up on our marriage but i feel it has already been taken from me. i don't know how i will ever feel that i know it is never happening again. although i don't want to give him up i just feel the pain with him is too much. his parents have said he can stay there for a while as they don't want us to make anr rash decisions but i don't know whether this would be good for us or whether like you and others have said we need to be together to talk and talk.

also i feel i have asked so many questions and we have said so much i don't know what i can now say and what he can say to me to help.

You won't feel any better just because he is out of the house. You feel as you do because of what has happened and the only things that will make you feel better are his understanding of what he has done and the passage of time. You have a better chance of his 'getting it' if he is there with you, witnessing your turmoil.

Trust will come back, it takes time, but it can be repaired, please believe me. It all depends on his attitude from this point on.

There is no doubting the fact that time will march on and pain does fade - it really does.