found out yesterday my dh has had an affair.

[granarybeck]

i don't know how to cope or what to do. i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

Perhaps you need to go over it again and again for reassurance.

Gb you are strong- the very fact thet you haven't just shown him the door (as he deserves)but are taking the time to assess the situation is a strength. You must decide what YOU want out of this, give yourself time to think it will be so hard at the moment to think past the sadness. My dh acted in a similar way, he didn't tell me all at first (not wanting to hurt me/ his own guilt etc)When he first said any thing. in November I thought that he had formed a close friendship with this woman (no sex yet)but that he was saying he loved her and he still loved me too. I learned in the first week of January there was more to it. He left me and the children for 1 night- to go off to start a life with her!(what a fantasy he was living in at the time)he came back a wreck the next day saying he couldn't do it he needed me not her and from then onwards he started to tell the whole truth. I see now that he had to push it to crisis point-leaving us -to begin the reality back into his life and then it all came crashing back. A few weeks on- to him it's history. a time in his life he doesn't want to think about (although he accepts that I have to make him think about it at times to get through my feelings) It was the decept and lies that hurt the most from the 1 person in the world I truely never thought could be like that . He managed to seperate his 2 worlds- work and home- and his emotions for both. When the 2 came together he couldn't cope and here we are now.You are not alone in these feelings gg keep taking!HUG HUG gg

gb , janstar has wise words again- I would also employ you not to be apart at the moment . The first fewdays after it all came out for me and my dh were so important in our healing process we talked croed talked and cried together (in a way we supported each other through our grief and sorrow and that united us despite the awful things my dh had done). I also strongly believe what janstar says about not giving up when it gets difficult. That is what I decided we had to fight for what I knew e had , we'd just lost sight of it all for a while. Also I'd say I haven't yet forgiven I think that will atke a long time. I have however more or less come to terms with it andthe trust is coming back.
Thanks Janstar you help me feel that I am doing the right thing. I feel there is a lot of pressure from"society" to chuck him out/ get rid / move on- but I know I won't find what we have with anyone else and he too knows this, he just needed to remind himself.

thanks so much for the advice it means more than you can imagine right now. i agree with the amount of pressure to get rid etc. everyone i have spoken to whants me to let them speak/ kill him and somehow that makes me feel worse even though i know they are just angry for me. one thing that really hurts is that he didn't use protection. he has had the snip (and nearly had a bigger snip from me) but i can't believe he would risk my health in sleeping with her. i am shitting myself now that i have caught something and won't know till he can be tested on may13th. as i said to him he could have killed us both and left our two children with no parents never mind a broken home. i am obviously hoping that is not the case but just don't know till the 13th. it just adds to how little he must have cared for me, to be able to sleep with her at all but then to not protect at least my health.

gb, it was the same for me, he too didn't use protection and I felt so angry at the fact that he had made a decision about my health, in his actions, when I had no say in the matter. However as for him not caring for you- if it is the same as my dh it was his way of thinking (it's taken me ages and lots of counselling to get my head round this) he had different boxes in his head for the different parts of his life ( I and I think most women can't think this way can't keep the emotions seperate- but many men can)he tried to explain that when he was in this fantasy world with her he didn't think of me , it wasn't about me ( non of this my wife doesn't understand me lark) in his head he could have this relationship with this woman and not alter anything that was going on elesewhere in his life. That's also why no one at work had a clue what was going on even on the day when he walked out and we went through all the trauma together he could keep it together at work. If this is the same for your dh it may help you see that he perhaps like my dh put you in a seperate box in his head so therefore could shut the lid and not be harming you in any way. I know that is not reality but remember affairs are fantasy!

that is just the way he described it as being seperate. i just never thought my husband was like all other men. i am going to put on my normal face and take the kids to their party. did you tell people you both knew or your families?

He didn't want to talk to anyone. I HAD to, I told friends , close friends who knew us both. I told my boss at work (as I went off with stress for 2 weeks). I told his family (not mine- they couldn't have coped and my mam was quite ill at the time)It helped us both in the end as eventually he started to talk about it to a couple of close friends (men who when they heard cane forward and told their own story). At the same time the other woman had told a friend at work , who told a friend etc etc my dh work got to know. By this time it was over and most of the workforce were gone or going through redundancy.I went away with some girlfrioends last weekend, I know I'm feeling better because (only half of them knew) I no longer felt the need to tell the others!I think the talking and re telling bit is part of your recovery. I bet you find your dh doesn't want to talk to others (after all he's the bad boy it hurts him too to keep reminding himself what a bas*D he's been) However it did help my dh in the end to talk.
I don't know about you but the hardest thing I found was trying to keep my pain away from the children and finding time to talk with dh without them being about (I resented the fact that the other woman didn't have this problem as she had no children she could talk to her dh at any time!!!)
Enjoy your party, enjoy your children they are stronger than we think- if they have picked up on any of this they will be ok .

that is one of the hardest things re both things you said about the children. i've looked at them and almost seen them in a new light. they went to my mums yesterday and it was so much better to have the chance to talk and ask as many questions as i wanted without being disturbed, i certainly found out a lot more. we went to a pub and that helped as i could finish saying things and ask questions without crying because it was public, if i start crying i don't stop then look a state and thats another thing to be angry with him for. anyway i think i'm allowed a glass of wine now as its nearly seven, thanks for all your thoughts, i only found mn a few weeks ago and i can't believe it has turned out to be such a huge support when i need it most, having somebody who has been through it and i think who doesn't know (d)h to talk to has been a huge help. cheers, little x

gb, hope you have had a good weekend and are feeling a little less devistated. I didn't find MN until very recently and it has been good therapy for me to let it all out. It has even been good for me trying to help you gb (although I will try to avoid telling you what to do, no one can do that)- but to let you know what I went and am going through as well as identifying so closely with the things you are saying is continuing to help me come to terms with my own thoughts. I don't want to give up on our marriage and sometimes in todays world I think it is harder to say that and to say you are trying to forgive and move on- it's almost seen as a sign of a weak woman who lets her man walk all over her. But I know I'm the strong one here, he was the weak one- my actions, especially in the first few days after the affair came out have kept our marriage alive and we are going from strength to strength.Gb hang onto ALL the good things you have had in the past, make time for each other, make time for just you and then try and look forward. Yes your relationship will never be the same again but with time and lots of talking you can find something different and dare I say perhaps even stronger in the long term for having shared and survived this awful time in your marriage. that's my hope for us and we are slowly getting there (sometimes it's 2 steps forward 1 step back, but we are moving forward)Thinking of you gb and Janstar (who has either been through this too or is a counsellor?)

Hi gg, yes thanks i am feeling slightly less devasted, in some ways i feel worse but i am feeling a bit more human again. did you suggest to your dh quite soon after you found out that you were willing to let him stay and to work things out? i haven't made any decisions at the mo as it is just too early but to hint that that might be a possibility seems to easy on him. we are talking and though we talked before last night we talked to a deeper level than we ever had before, i realised that though we have always talked dh hasn't really always talked about his true feelings even though i and anyone who knew him would think he did do. it was painful but good. a bit personal to ask but have you got past or did you go through in first place the imagining the actual sex between them. sorry to be personal but i know that that is going to be a big barrier for me. my braining doesn't really do sealing things up/ putting things in past, i have a far too over active imagination. i also didnot feel that secure about my self to start with.

janstar, hope you don't mind me asking but have you been through something similar or do you just give very insightful, good advice?

Gb, I knew immediately that I didn't want him to go. I knew that he was and had acted almost in another world for a few months.I knew it was not my husband but a very mixed up and lost person at that time who was not a bad person but in a bad place at the time. Therefore I made a decision straight away to support him and get us through this even though it hurt like mad ( you see we'd never had even a day of grief together before this).I suppose I'd always thought he was not like the many pther men you hear about, I'd put him on a pedistal ( in fairness he too thought before this he was different)However he is human (Perhaps under the same set of circumstances I would have been as weak too who knows?)
I don't mind you asking the personal question- yes for quite some time afterwards I imagined him and her together especially when we were making love, and still sometimes it jumps into my head but I've learned to put it out of my mind -that took some doing- and I think for you at this moment you have to go through that.It is very difficult and so painful but try and tell your dh when this is happening. This is when you need the reassurance-it will get better. For me I kept thinking how our sex life had always been so good and even when the affair was going on (and I had no idea)we were just as good together. I thought the first time we made love after I found out would be impossible- it was very emotional, painful (mentally) but in some way also healing. After we held each other for ages and cried and cried. It has certainly made me look at sex in a more precious way. Infact I look at our entire relationship in a more precious way- it is so easy to takr each other for granted when you get caught up in life, work and 3 children!!

Gb, by the way I'd recommend a self help book I bought "After the Affair" by Julia Cole (a relate book)It made me cry but helped me identify things that were true of our situation. the only problem I had with it and all the books I read is that they try and put you affair into catagories but really everone's experience is different , although there are common threads. They all they often try to say affairs are the symptom of something wrong in your relationship and for me and my dh we didn't think there was anything wrong (however now I can see he had the problems and for some reason chose not to share them with me) I didn't know about MN at that time and I was desperate to talk to / find someone who had experience of this, so I spent a lot on books. If I'd known MN then I could have saved a lot of money!!

hi,gb, just saw this - just wanted to say so so sorry for what you are going through. I did have similar experience with ex, and know how bad the pain is, and how it is with you every moment and you feel like it will always be the same - in our case the realtionship was not worth saving, but from what you say you are different. I can't really add anything to the wonderful advice already posted . I can just say that the pain will fade.

gb, just caught up with this thread. Was in exactly the same position as you Feb 2003. My heart goes out to you as I know how shocked and heartsore you are at the moment. Lots of great advice here. You are right to take your time and try and work out what you can do for the best.
On a practical note, when he next goes to London tell him that you don't trust him at the moment and get full details of where he is staying and what his movements will be. Explain to him that you don't want to spend the rest of your lives having to do this, but that in the short term it will make you feel happier.
Big hugs to you.

Bugsy2 , did you manage to work it out or did you decide to go your seperate ways? How long before you had a day where you didn't think about it? I'm 4 months on (from knowing everything) and at the moment not a day goes by when I don't think about the last few months. It is good to hear others have been in this situation (nit that I would wish it upon anyone) but it is supportive to talk with others who have had the same experience and "lived to tell the tale"!

Granary, Bugsy and I are/were in the same situation. Can't reply for Bugsy but for me after ten months of agony and upset with two small dds f my h now wants to come back, or thinks he does. a few months ago I'd have been SO, SO overjoyed I'd have made the mistake of having him back at whatever cost. Now, I'm much happier and have no idea what I'll do re reconciliation. I really didn't believe people when they told me it would hurt less and I'd eventually feel better. I was pacing the house howling. However, I honestly do. So sorry for you and lots of luck.

Hi granarybeck, sorry I haven't checked this thread for a few days (sometimes I switch off the computer, though not often!)

I am not a counsellor, it's just that when I was younger I made some poor relationship choices and had to live with the fallout. This was due to an abusive childhood which left me with low expectations and being used to my needs being ignored. The father of my two girls was a user and a bully and turned dumped me with them when the smallest was still a baby, and I had to bring them up on my own and pay off thousands of pounds worth of debts incurred by borrowing to lend my ex money which he squandered. I went through a very low time and the next man I fell for dumped me too.

I spent 5 years picking myself up, dealing with all the debts and raising my girls, eventually needing the therapy to keep me functional during a deep depression. When I came out at the other end I had eliminated my debts, built a profitable business and cared for my daughters. I then met a kind and loving man and did myself a big favour by believing myself deserving of him and marrying him. Ds was born a year later. It hasn't been perfect, we have had our problems, particularly with my ex who became so damaging that a court prevented my girls from seeing him any more. They suffered, particularly the eldest who took an overdose at one point and I am still struggling with her.

My dh once did something behind my back that really disappointed me, but it wasn't an affair. However, we did get over it and are still here 4.5 years down the line. I did forgive him and I love him like mad, and he makes me really happy 99% of the time. However, he knows I sometimes need reassurance and because he did break my trust once he understands that I do occasionally check his pockets or read his diary. If I find anything I don't like the look of, I ask him about it and he explains it and that's the end of it. No argument, no being offended.

I'm glad to be of help. Sorry I've rambled on here now, but hoped what happened to me might help, I've recovered from all these things, and so will you.

Janstar, thanks for being so open. You have had a bad time of it in the past. It makes me put my situation into perspective. The thing about my dh is that he has always been and continues to be a fantastic father to our 3 children and (until his recent affair)a wonderful husband, friend and lover for me. Now it's over he's back to being himself again and I know what we have is special and worth fighting for. I still don't completely trust again yet- it will take time, as you say, but it's coming.All these experiences that MN writers talk about show me just how strong we can be. This is helping me and I hope will help gb through the hardest time. Take care all.

hi, i'm still making it through each day.i feel the same as you said about he is a good man and one i wouldn't have wanted to lose in a million years. but now i can't help thinking he wasn't the person i thought he was, as that person would not have made the choices he did. i do feel like fighting for what we had but it still seems so unfair that its me it will be most painful for when i didn't do anything and a week ago thought we were very happy.

Hi gb , good to hear from you. I was getting a little worried about you. I know that feeling of "who are you? I don't know you anymore" and the only way I've been able to get myself past it is to try and make my dh account for what he did- he's not found that easy and still can't completly say why it happened.I have come to recognise that he was not himself at the time this was going on.He was at a place in his life where he let his emotions- ie his own selfish needs- take over (something he's never done before)and when emotions take over, logic goes out the window. No it's not fair that you and I are left feeling like this and they (our respective DH's) have moved on, confessed, put it behind them. we don't deserve to be treated in that way. Give it time, the absolute dispair does start to lift and you will start to formulate your true feelings about the situation and him. He's got a lot of work to do now reassuring you and putting it right again. Did he move to his parents, or are you still together? How are the children in all this? Thinking of you.

Hello granarybeck(& gg) Don't know if my dh actually had affair but I think he did and I can really identify with how you are feeling.I am having bad day because he is in London with colleage who he got close to. I m not a very forgiving person I supose and I just can't seem to let this go and I feel like I'm having a constant battle with my emotions. Like you I think of occasions like ds birthday last year and how happy I thought we were but this liason was going on at the time and in November he was recupperating after an op and working from home & Iremember things like quiet phone calls and his mobile going off and him asking me to go & get a drink & be on phone when I came back in room etc etc and I was bloody looking after him. Time not such a great healer for me - not yet anyway. I do feel he has changed and I have to decide if I like the new him.Over the past ten years he has excelled in his job and I have become increasingly dependant on him - I am very insecure and lack self esteem and confidence and I think this has affected us. I don't work and live near Preston I saw on another thread you live near Manchester perhaps one day we could meet. I'm sorry I haven't given you any advice but if your dh is telling you he wants to be with you and he made a mistake it is worth trying to salvage your marriage because whatever happens you will always know that you tried. Thinking of you

gg, the reasons/ thoughts my dh has given me about why he did it are very similar to yours. i asked him to go to his parents last night (i asked the day before) but last night i chickened out and said he could stay that night. i don't want him to go but when he is here i just can't think and it all seems to normal as when there are children life in a house just carries on. i'm feeling calmer but still at a loss as to what i really feel or want. mambo, did you feel you were happy before you suspected?

i meant too normal. i hope my brain will one day come back.

Yes I thought we were happy. It was a bit more complicated because earlier on last year he had another crisis , after a particularly stressful housemove , and he left me & got a flat and told me he didn't love me. After about 10 weeks of sheer hell he came back and I thought we were working things out. He didn't know this women at the time because she only went to work for him in september( in fact I remember telling him to ring her to tell her she had got the job-it was late Friday and he was going to wait until Monday). We had a lovely holiday in August and I thought things were on the up so I felt very betrayed that he had got close to someone else when I was concentrating all my efforts on our relationship.I do feel there has been a shift in the equalness in our relationship and I do feel sometimes that I am walking on eggshells and that I am always trying to please him but all he thinks about is work. I relly need to get myself out and become less dependant on him . Do you work ?