found out yesterday my dh has had an affair.

[granarybeck]

i don't know how to cope or what to do. i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

i am reading 'after the affair', i think it may have been someone on mn that recommended it but i am finding it helpful.

You must tell him how you feel >i had all this 'no present' thing for years. It ate away at me and eventually had an affair with someone who really appreciated me. Did retrieve marriage and all oK now (and get bloody nice presents!!)

ooops sorry wrong thread

Gb, thinking about you and your Relate appointment this weekend- hope it helps you whatever the outcome. The only "advice" I'd give is don't hold yourself back- say exactly what you feel (no children to protect and a referee in the room!!)P.s I read "After the Affair" a few times at different stages, each time there were things that had become more relevant. The thing it helped me with was realising I was not going mad but reacting quite normally to the trauma in my life. Good luck GB.

Been to relate. was okay, more of an initial interview to see if they could help. we are going to start weekly counselling sessions next week. i think it helped dh to let go a bit more in front of me, it is the first real time he has really cried about what has happened. i think as the shock is wearing off i am realising i cannot give up on us. the pain and hurt is getting worse in some ways as i think about it more and realise things, but the thing that strikes me most is how well whilst going through this we still get on and are still being each others best friend. i am realising whatever new shape our relationship takes it is hopefully better than giving up. just v.v.scary... hope you have a nice weekend

gb - sounds like positive moves are being made. It's good that your dh is showing his emotions in the relate session. I too went to relate and found that it was much easier to say things you felt in front of a third party. It was almost licence to spill out all your emotions without any repurcussions. It's also good as it's on neutral ground. If you and your dh are still getting on throughout this and supporting each other then that shows you have the basis of a really sound relationship. Stick with relate for a while if you can especially if your dh is up for it. Unfortunately mine only went to a couple (is a typical man and doesn't open up). However it did help me for the short time we went. It also made me realise what feelings my dh was going through as well which made me see things from his perspective (even though I felt it was unfair to even consider his feelings when I was the injured party, I think it did help us move on). Keep taking each day as it comes. Sounds like you are staying strong. Good for you.

Glad it went well gb.-we were the same, despite the pain and hurt there was never any hate, just two people who'd lost each other for a while as one had "lost the plot" big style. The counselling (which my dh found difficult) did however make him look at things diffenetly and let me express my true feelings in a "neutral" environment. It sounds so much that you still ahve a great deal going for you- if you can try to look at it as a friend who desperately needs you not to give up on them now(despite their wrong doing)I feel your dh , like mine will suddenly get things back in perspective.
How's it going for you morph?

gg every time i think things are getting better or i am trying to think positively waves of sadness and despair about what dh has done and what i have lost hit me. any advice or is it just a time thing?

Gb, on the whole it's a time thing. I also think it's a necessary process you are going through to come to terms with what has happened. There have been days when out of blue I'd cry, set off by the most obscure things (like memories of good times in our life together) give yourself the time, allow yourself to grieve. It's not that you are not progressing -on the contrary I believe (from my experience)you are making yourself face painful facts and finding a way to express your feelings about them.Try, if you can, to share those feelings with your dh. he needs to see and feel your pain to bring reality into what he did and what he nearly lost (and still could)It does get better- this week I went almost the full week without crying (at the start every time I was in any way alone I cried and cried)I really wish I could be there for you Gb as I KNOW how overwhelming the pain is and at this stage you cannot see beyond it...you will, but let it happen, let your thoughts formulate through it. You are string here you are facing the reality and your still here. Take care, thinking of you.

thanks makes me realise i am not going mad

I'm so upset today and my dh just doesn't get it! Last night his sister rang to say she and her dh are splitting up (only been married 4 years, no children, just not working out)which I found upsetting. However what upset me more was the fact that she had told my dh this 2 days earlier and he never mentioned it.When she spoke to me she assumed he'd told me. Also he had a hospital appointment (recently taken in suspected heart attack but ended some sort of gastric problem) this was the first consultation with the specialist. I was able to go with him, he didn't want me to come. I feel he is keeping me at arms length and at the moment I desperately don't need that. When we spoke about this last night he said sorry- but he's missed the point!We had agreed that the subject of affairs/relationships etc was not to be a taboo subject and yet he said he didn't tell me about his sister because it wasn't definate at that point and he didn't want to upset me with another reminder of what nearly happened to us. However I feel "I've heard this before" when he told me about his affair the first time he only told me part of it ("because he didn't want to hurt me"and I went on thinking we were trying to put things back together when all along he was still seeing her and it was much more serious than he'd told me. When that came out eventually in January when he told me everything I was so hurt , a double hurt - the affair and the not being open and honest when he told me the first time. Why cann't he see how damaging it is to us not to share important information or significant moments in our lives. How can we continue to try and put it right if he is still not letting me "in" trying to protect me! Who is he trying to protect? I think it's himself!!He just doesn't seem to see that we need to be very open with each other now- how can I build the trust and closeness again if he can't see this? Am I being unreasonable? I don't understand!!!!

Hello geordiegirl I have reverted to my original nick name as have gone off MAMBO for now. I'm very sorry you are feeling so bad witout sounding completely patronizing is it a bad time of the month for you (hormones pmt etc ) because i know everything feels a million times worse for me when I have PMT. Not sure why your dh doesn't want you to go to appt with him. Is that something you would normally do? I tend to wait outside when my dh has had appt except after shoulder op when I wanted to hear for myself what doctor said about driving again! Can sort of understand why he didn't tell you about his sister perhaps he felt embarrassed because of what he has done in the past and didn't realy know how to deal with it. Men are so crap at talking sometimes. It is horrible that you feel he is keeping you at arms length- do you not feel close to him at the moment. Perhaps you are feeling more sensitive. I know I react differently to things now. Don't you think its easy to connect every feeling and the way they are with what hapened in the past. I'm feeling ok at the moment but sometimes wonder how long before something triggers those feelings again. If it wasn't for appt and his sisters breakup would you still think like this or have they triggered bad feelings. Sorry I'm not probably making sense but I'm thinking of you please post again soon. x

Hi Geordiegirl, I totally understand why this has upset you so much. The worst thing about affairs is the secrecy and lies, all the deceit, and after one what you want is openness and honesty so that you can feel safe. Logically, If he is keeping some things back from you you can't help wondering if there is more being withheld.

I know I couldn't handle that, I'd insist on his keeping no secrets from me. But my dh is chatty and wouldn't make an issue out of that like some men would, everyone is different and for all I know your man might not be so much of a talker.

I can't remember, did you ever go to Relate? Whether you did or not, why not go now and use their expertise to get the two of you communicating again? They know how to explain the importance of this to your dh in a way that he will understand.

Thanks for your replies- I woke up this morning feeling really upset. However had a good work out at gym today and got my head round some academic work too so I'm feeling much more reasonable and elss emotional. I have blown it a little out of proportion (although still upset)I don't think dh is making an active effort to keep me at arms length on these issues I think he just doesn't think and at the moment , given our recent problems he has to start being a bit more sensitive to my feelings. Anyway we are going out tonight and I'm sure will talk about it in a less emotional way.
Janstar, we did get counselling and it has helped and we are generally communicating about our feelings and the events of the last few months. I guess I just felt last night was a leap backwards but I think the whole healing a relationship process is 2 steps forward 1 step back...if I'm making sense. Thanks again for taking the time to lift me out of my gloom.
Freezy (mambo) nice to hear from you, how is it going for you?

hi geordiegirl. just logged on and seen your posts. sorry today has been a bit of a bad one. i complete;y understand why you would feel like this. i don't think you should see it as blowing it out of proportion as at the time that was how your dh's actions and the situation you were in made you feel. it may be good for him to see this as it may be easier than trying to explain in theory how you would feel if he kept anything from you. my dh, though a nice man (his recent lapse aside) also suffers from the same problem of just not thinking and trying to protect me. i have explained that he is going to have to start thinking and making sure not a single thing (whatever it is ) is a secret. maybe you however can see this as another painful hurdle that you have nearly made it over and a chance (ok it is another) for your dh to appreciate that it is what he did that has made you react in this way but also a chance to continue to improve how things work between you both. then again i may be talking a pile of crap! i do think men sometimes need to realise that that time of just not thinking can cause their partners real hurt and upset. anyway, i really hope you enjoy your night out and it is a chance for you to sort things out and have a good time together.

Hi GB, thanks for your words of support. We had a great night out and did a lot of talking without getting too emotional. I told him more or less what you said - that it was time, now more than ever- for him to start thinking. He accepted that he simply hadn't thought how upsetting it would be to me and how it seemed like keeping me away. he was very sorry and I feel now sees that if there is something that will remind me/ upset me about the last few months then I need to know, no secrets; otherwise when I do find out it's a double upset (ie that he'd not included me etc)
We are making an effort and have managed to do so, to go out once a week by ourselves. We kind of got out of the habbit but are really enjoying our own company again. I'd reccommend it. Anyway, feeling much more positive again, thanks for your concern. How are things with you?

really glad your night out was a success. things here are very slow. one step forward twenty steps back one day, one step forward nineteen back the next day kind of thing! i am still extremeley hurt but in the very distance i can see our future together i am just dreading getting there as it seems such a long way and such hard work. i think you are right though i perhaps should give myself a break and let myself enjoy an evening out with dh, i know i really would enjoy it i just still feel that it would be too nice/forgiving to him. silly i know but i still haven't become rational again yet. spoke to the other half of the affair yesterday for about half an hour, was hard but strangely reassuring; that is over, details matched with dh's, knew what kind of person she sounded like. was definitely the most surreal phone call i have ever had, but nothing can surprise me these days! thinking of going away with dh and the kids for half term,can't decide whther would do us good or would be too cosy too soon. did you try getting away, or do you think it is just escaping the reality? then maybe there's no harm in that..

Gb, yes we got away in the Feb half term (it all came out start of Jan)For us it was the best thing we could have done. It made the final break from any contact with HER and it was a very emotional but healing time for both of us.The children were great, they were just so happy to have us both together and we all just enjoyed each others company. Perhaps a change of scene will help you move on with your emotions? How is your dh acting at the moment? is he supportive of your need to grieve for your old relationship?
I'm a little worried for today is my dh 40th birthday and we are having a huge family party (about 100 people from our life)I fear I will find it too emotional as all these people represent different times in our life together. I'll let you know how it goes!

i think it will be nice to get away, i feel i just need a change of scen and am craving the seaside. i think it will be good for the kids but good for us to still work through things but in a next step so to speak. i think it will be hard as it will be so the same but so different from all the holidays we have had before. like you said i think it will be emotional for both of us but needed. dh is supportive and tries to be understanding but i think does sometimes wishes we didn't have to keep going over and over things. he then realises and is supportive but i can sometimes seeing him getting fed up with it and a bit cross. he says he just feels frustrate dwith himself for what hes done and that he can't even really explain it. we are going out for a meal tonight by our selves, first time since i found out. we've been to pub but hhas just been to talk about things without kids especially early on. it was our wedding anniversary last week and i couldn't face going out then. i'm not sure what to expect or how we should be tonight which is strange after all this time! it will be nice just to get out though.
hope your party goes well. do many people there know what you've been through lately? maybe seeing all the people ffrom your life together will put in perspective what he had with her and what you have had and continue to have together. if not hope you managed to get tipsy! x

Been away from this site for a week or so as I've found it hard reading about all your experiences as they have been bringing back bad memories. But it's also reassuring in sharing your thoughts as when it happened to me I thought I was going mad and that no-one could understand what I was going through and I put most of the blame on myself. It's made me realise that generally men are rubbish at talking and has made me realise that my dh has never and will open up in the way I want him to. So where does that leave me? Sometimes I just want to walk away and start a new life. I feel so lonely because I feel that I can't share my feelings with him. I'm finding it really hard with the children just now as well as they are extremely demanding and want me all the time. I had stopped work when I had my children but went back after he had the affair which in a way was my saviour but now it's very demanding and very tiring. I;m trying to be supermum and am now struggling. I'm shattered all the time and am so so so fed up. Sorry for rambling, have had bad couple of days as dh away on lads golfing weekend.

Gb, hope you pub night out went ok and plans for your week away. My dh was a bit like you describe- getting "annoyed" with me going over it again and again BUT he had to learn I NEEDED it, as do you and it's the least he can do to listen.
The party/ weekend was great. I did find it emotional (as did my dh) it did make us see the enormity of the history we have together and how special our life is together. I managed to keep a lid on the emotions, except when my 11 year old made a speach!!! He was the star of the show and despite all he knows we went through a few months ago he found all the great things to say about his dad, I was so proud of him (but you can imagine not a dry female eye in the house so I got away with a good cry then)
To answer your question there were about a dozen people in the room who knew and I really wondered what they were thinking seeing us together. It was strange- dh and I talked about it llast night he saud he felt strange too as if the events of the last few months were not quite real!!!!
Scottiegirl sorry you are feeling down. when's your "girls"weekend away? you need one!
Can you look to working less, giving yourself more time just for you- I'm donig that soon I deserve it anyway I need time to have my mid-life crisis now! Hope you feel better this week, keep in touch.

really glad it all went well! gg. i know you are a different couple but it is encouraging to hear how you are doing, even if you have downs its nice to hear there are good days ahead.

hi gg. Thanks for the kind words. I do feel better thanks (after my rambling). Have actually arranged girls weekend away in August with old college friends so really looking forward to that. Pleased that your do wasn't too traumatic. You must have been dead proud of your son. I bet it was good for your dh to have all those people in the room, all that history and for that to remind him just what he could have lost. It may have brought things home to him. Cutting down on work sounds good for you. I have been working really hard since it all happened, a lot of the time I was working, living with my mum (sleeping on a sofa bed - not comfy after 4 months I can tell you) and driving between Scotland and my home (Cheshire). Only now am I realising I have little time to myself. I am planning on cutting back my hours in the next month or so and plan to be a lady who lunches - why not!
gb - hope things are going ok for you. I think about you both often.....

Good to hear you feel a bit better Scottiegirl, any time you want to rant and rave feel free (I think that's what we are ALL here for!)
It seems from what I gather that you, GB and I all live quite close around Manchester area. I don't know if you've seen the Manchester maniacs thread on the meetups link but they are in the process of arranging a get together (no date or venue settled yet I gather) but I've said I'd try and make it and I think I saw GB showing an interest. Would you fancy It?
Like you I'm not from round here originally (as you've probably guessed by the name- from Newcastle)although I've made loads of great pals here in the 10 years we've been here (in Huddersfield)most were made via the children so I think it's time to focus on me a bit more. The MN lot seem like a lovely crowd (although i do sometimes get worried that I'm pouring my heart out to a hairy trucker who's having a good wind up!!!)However i don't really think so and will trust my instincts. take care, keep in touch.

scottiegirl i think you are right to go away with your girlfiends and sort out more time for your self. ithink it can be really valuable.
gg i saw you on the manchester thread and i couldn't believe you live in huddersfield! we moved from there two years ago. we have moved around a lot and that's the one place we stayed long enough to feel settled, then moved again! i do miss it actually. anyway, yes i think i am going to be brave and go to that meet up. like you said, i am trying to be brave and do more things that are just to do with me, which is very new really. i'm not disowning my family but it feels nice to feel like my own person sometimes, i do forget what that feels like and hoping everyone isn't really a hairy trucker it sounds like fun.