found out yesterday my dh has had an affair.

[granarybeck]

i don't know how to cope or what to do. i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

Gb, it certainly is a small world!! If you fancy revisiting old haunts some time I'd love to meet for coffe or a drink, whatever (even before the Manchester big meet if you like)No pressure though- talking faceless like this is one thing face to face is another!
However after meeting HER (DH affair)face to face nothing scares me now.
PS I'm not a hairy trucker!!!!

gg need a bit of advice plase. A colleague at dh work ( not her ) has invited our family and others to bbq. Because dh works in Liverpool and we live in Preston, and works dos are never for partners in 9 years I have only met 1 persn he has worked with at present company. This was always a sore point with me although circumstances did't help-4 chldren very close together etc etc. I'm pleased he mentioned it to me and although I never got concrete evidence of an affair I know there was closeness but I think I would punch her lights out if I saw her. I can't believe you met other women were you civilized. If I know this person is going I just know I couldn't go. I am very insecure and a few months ago I stupidly asked him if I would feel threatened if I saw her and he stupidly said yes which as you can imagine made me feel great!! But as he said any woman would make me feel threatened. He is being brilliant at the moment and I don't want to rock the boat by going to this bbq. ????

gg know what you mean about nothing being scary now! i spoke to 'her' on phone for about half an hour ( i phoned her)recently. i couldn't believe either how brave i was being completely calm or actually how mad i had really become! feezy, i know what you mean, but in some ways if you already feel threatened in your head you may actually feel you gain some control by meeting her. i have not had oppurtunity to but just speaking to her took away a bit of the ewondering and mystery, and although i still felt incredibly insecure and threatened i felt i was composed and in control of myself. it gave me chance for her to know i am a strong person whatever impression she had and pointed out to her (politely which i think was worse for her) just what she had done, why i would never do it and why i recommended that if she was tempted again to think more carefully about the devastation she was causing. i still cried for two hours after hanging up! feezy will you not feel more threatened not being there? i am no good at not knowing things, eg what she looks like, so would feel very insecure not being there. why not get yourself a new outfit, take a deep breath, promise yourself however tempted you are you won't punch her (don't give her the satisfaction of you losing control) and go and be proud to be there with your husband and enjoy yourself. it may be good for her to realise you are a real person. God, i can waffle!

Thankyou granarybeck. Yeah it would be good to go with dh and my 4 beautiful children and be an extremely coolcat. My stomach would be in Knots though. She has no kids , succcessful job probably lots of nice clothdes, nails,. body etc and I just feel crap about myself at the moment

Freezy, I met HER because I knew affairs only survive on the fantasy of the situation.It is easy for HER to know my dh has a wife and 3 children (somewhere in the back ground)However when that wife is sitting across a small table from you being polite but firm and telling you about her Dh and chidren, showing photos of their life together the fantasy soon fades and you get a sharp injection of reality. It's not so easy to pretend then that you are not hurting anyone with your actions.
So I agree with GB (despite what's going on inside you- and believe me my insides were screaming at me to go for HER throat!!!)make yourself look and feel good, be there with your children and don't avoid her be braisen and confident, she won't be able to hide in whatever fantasy world she had with you DH.
What did your dh mean about you feeling threatened if you saw her? does he mean she's a Barbie doll with big boobs and a good job? If so don't be threatened imagine her dealing with 4 children she probably wouldn't know where to start and I'm sure your dh will realise that. After all he is with you and has made this life with you- you have made his successful buisness life possible, never underestimate your contribution. Let us know how it goes. thinking of you.

feezy, i really agree with what gg said about remembering your contribution to dh's success career wise. when it comes to myself i do forget but it IS true. i completely know the feeling of meeting female work colleagues without kids/with designer togs, nails, hairdos, career, blahdeblah (and that was when i didn't suspect an anffair). i understand how it feels to feel crap in comparison, but be brave, believe you are a strong person even if you do not feel it and if you survive its one notch that you can let your confidence go up. wouldn't think any worse of you if you hid at home as before this happened to me thats what i would have done take care x
gg, sorry, i realised afterwards that i hadn't replied re meeting up .yes, would love to. am going away next week for a couple of weeks so will speak then, mind you that may be up to the manchester meet, either way sounds good.

Having a bad day- I knew I would, it's our 16th wedding anniversary! I shouldn't be feeling so emotional, we are doing really well and there was a time at the turn of the year when I did not think we'd see another. DH gave me a lovely necklace,(normal working day ) but we are managing to meet for lunch and tonight we are all (children too) going off for the weekend.I think I'm feeling so upset because the first thing that popped into my head when he gave me the necklace was the thought that I know he gave HER a necklace for Christmas during his affair, and I know how much it cost (found receipt in his wallet)I feel awful that I was thinking I wonder if he's spent as much on me as he spent in her!!! ( he can't win can he?)Perhaps it's because I'm angry that I now think like that and never before all this would the cost of a present even enter my head. When we first met about 20 years ago we were poor students and one Christmas set a limit of £1 for our presents to each other and they were great presents. I'm not motivated by material possessions and I HATE the fact that I am thinking like this.
Sorry everyone, rant over, had a good cry now feel so much better (not working today so I'm going to pamper myself at the gym)
GG have a good break- I've got children off at various times over next 2 weeks so meeting up would be difficult for me too. We'll "touch base" in a couple of weeks ( If the Manchester meet up is 29th June which is one date I saw, I can't manage , we are away)and arrange something. Take care.

oops ment to say 26th June not 29th anyway we are away that weekend!

Happy Anniversary geordie girl. Please try your hardest to enjoy your day. Your dh probably didn't know what to do for the best about your present and if he had got you a bracelet or earrings then you probably would have thought why didn't he get me a necklace!
Hope you going somewhere nice for the weekend and you'll feel better when you have got today out of the way. Try not to get heavy.
granarybeck thanks for your words. It sounds awful but I do think my dh wouldn't be where he is now if he hadn't had my support - sometimes i just fel our day lives are so different. Me a sahm and him with successful career, lunches,dinners,trips awayetc etc. I know we hose this way, I could never match his earnings now and because of 4kids his job has always and has to be priority. I worry he finds me dull an dboring compared to women at work but like you said they are not me amd its me he fell in love with and is still with and I need to keep remembering that .What is happening with your situation?
Thinking of both of you this weekend x

gg i kno what you mean about not wanting to think this way. i have thought of things and viewed things in a way i never wuold have before this. sometimes i am cross that i have to be beothered almost to have all these new thoughts that i didn't ask to have. i was quite lucky in some ways that our wedding ann. was a couple of weeks after i found out so i didn't have to try and 'celebrate'. it seems like it will be a miracle if we make the next one but if we did i think that would be a harder one.
feezy my situation is at a standstill in some ways. we are living together, i feel i have to give it a chance for my children and for us. but i can't yet see how i and we can get over this and move forward as i still can't belive what he has done and been doing. i'm just getting through each day and trying not to think about future too much as its too scary to see what i may lose. we are off on holiday today which is why i think i am feeling a bit worse today as i can't believe the situation we are setting off in . i think its making me realise how different everything is now and then i realise what dh did to make it this way. anyway, i have bought some good books and am going to completely relax and enjoy my kids as they have not had the best time lately and hopefully dh and i will talk a lot.

gg - you're bound to feel strange about receiving gifts and celebrating special occasions - after all, your dh has shattered your trust and it's understandable to view all his actions suspiciously or at least to question them more than you would have done before. Before the event you wouldn't have thought twice about certain things and certainly wouldn't have questioned his motives. I wouldn't feel bad about the thoughts that you've had ie comparing how much it cost etc. Believe me, there does come a time when you can start to accept actions as being ones of love and not of "making up" and that comes with time. It was our anniversary a month ago and my dh bought me some beautiful earrings - had that been the year before and much closer to that dreaded affair rumbling, then I would have been very cynical about his motives. I do believe now though that the gift I got was absolutely genuine and was in part a sign of how much he loved me. It's hard justnow to see past all this mistrust but it can come back. I hope that by having the same experiences but am now furhter down the line, that you can take some comfort in how much better and more trusting my relationship is. On another note, I'd love to meet up. I don't live far from Manchester at all.
Freezy - I think you should book yourself in for a fake tan, a hairdo and get some of your good friends round to give you a pep talk to tell you how brilliant you are - then go to that bbq with your head held high and keep telling yourself how fantastic you are. Be strong and show them what you're made of (then when it's over, you can relax and let all your emotions out by crying in the loos!). God it's tough isn't it? It used to be so easy to feel good about yourself. Flamin men - look what they do to us!!
gb - it's good you're going away as being somewhere neutral helps. When it happened to me, my dh was made redundant at the same time and we have to move up to Scotland for a few months. We ended up living in a rented house with no tele so it forced us to talk to each other! It helped that we were away from our house so all our painful memories were left up there. I know you're only going away for a weekend but it all helps. I know you said you're not even sure if you'll make the next anniversary - all I can say is to take your time as it really is one day at a time. Keep trying to focus on all the positive things about your relationship (hard to I know as you probably won't see many justnow!) and I know people say kids shouldn't force your decision but I came from a broken family and it was a major consideration when I found about my dh's affair. I've always wanted a proper family and was determined to make it work. It's not easy and it's not fair on you, but with hard work you can make your relationship stronger and what's more, you will definitely be a much stronger person coming out of this - I guarantee it.

Well, waffled enough tonight. Take care all....

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Great synopsis!

Hi all, I like your summary too gggopo!!! Mine is definately catagory a) that's why i've always known that we would come through this and have. After a really strange weekend away (that's another story)I know more than ever we are there getting stronger each day. I know some one out there wishes it was not the case and thinks perhaps my dh is only staying for the children but that is most definately not the case and all that has happened this weekend has brought us even closer, united in our wish to be together. I am so sorry it doesn't work out for everyone but actions have consiquences- sometimes long reaching ones. What we have together is very special and isn't going to be shaken by anyone else!

Are you alright geordie girl? Sounds like somebody is interfering. But I am very glad you feel so stong it really helps me to realise how much I have and don't want to lose. Having a bit of a wobble today - have absolutely no idea why. Perhaps its because we spent a few nice days together and now its back to work for him.

Hi Freezy- you are very astute.Yes there is a problem which means I can't talk openly for a while but we are better than ever before.Thanks for asking, I'm sure your hiccup will iron out- it's not easy going is it?

geordiegirl, you okay?

Hi GB, no I'm not ok- just had an awful week and a huge set back in our "healing process". Started last weekend with a phone call from HER husband to tell me my Dh and HER were still in regular contact!!!!!Still can't quite believe the arrogance and emotional stupidity of them both (and to top it all she has been reading this all the time- my dh , who suggested it to me also suggested MN to HER! but I don't care anymore, everything I wrote was true (not that some people know what the truth is anymore))
Dh connfirms regular phone contact since March and seeing her 3 times- says it's not like before, there's no affair they are just "good friends" begs me to believe there is no way now he's confused or lost about how he feels about me, that it is me he wants to be with and her friendship can never change that- but they've missed the point entirely . The point wasn't you can't stay friends because you may start up again, no the point is you can't stay friends because it undermines our marriage, our trust our hope for the future (and HERS for that matter)So now I don't know what exactly to believe and have spent time with a friend over the weekend seriously considering whether I should ask DH to leave.Even in Jan when all the pain of the affair came out I never considered that, I knew he was lost and confused and had lost his focus on what was important and for the first time in our 21 years together he was doubting and needed me to support him more than ever. I did just that, the last few months we've got closer than ever before (and things were always good with us to start)but now I feel it was built on lies and deceipt again!!!He begs me to believe that what was happening between us was true and strong. He is begging me not to ask him to leave but for the first time I am seriously thinking about it. It hurts so much and I can't understand how he got this so wrong.

How are you- was your holiday healing?

if you are starting to feel like that then you are regaining some power and he will have to choose eventually can you cope if this happens hope you are ok

How are you going to make him choose when he is doing things without telling you? You'll never know what he is doing secretly if you can't trust him.

He's got his work cut out now.

hello geordiegirl spilt coffee on keyboard yesterday and ahd to buy new one as it completely blipped so I only saw this post this morning. I am so sorry for you. I think if it was me it would be the straw that broke the camels back. Why are men so stupid and why can't some women leave married men alone. She's obviously got a dh why does she want 2. Its hard to advise you if there are prying eyes I'm going to have to suss out contact another talker.
I lost it with my dh on monday night.He was working a little later than normal and said he would finish at 6. At 6:30 I rang him to see if he was on way home and it was engaged. When he got home I casually said I'd rung and asked who he was speaking too and it was her. He had to tell me because his phone was right there in front of us and he knows I would check it.He had been in Manchester all day and apparently there had been problem she needed to speak to him about but I don't know what to f*king believe anymore. He accuses me of overreacting but what does he f*king expect.
Sorry I just feel cross for both of us. Later on I did ask himif there was anything still between them and of course he denied it.
On the plus side his boss has got a new job in Milton Keynes and is very keen for dh to move with him. This would be big move for us and dh is very keen and said he wouldn''t uproot us all if he didn't think things were right between us.
Its very exhausting all this isn't it. I feel for you so much . Hold your head high

Hi freezy- men like our dh's are arrogant and emotionally immature. Why can't they just talk to us? Your dh has to have work contact with this woman but he knows how you feel at the moment, why can't he just tell you that he's spoken to her- I keep saying to my dh I can cope with beong hurt by the truth but not by the truth and the lies and deceipt as well!
He is emphatic (more so than Jan when he left 1 night and came back) that he is now devoted to us and was only talking to her to help her get through what was going on with her dh- I don't fancy their chances at all because they've both lost sight of honesty and truth in their relationship-but he has to realise he is the problem and therefore can't be the shoulder to cry on about their problem. She is besotted with my dh, he does not feel the same about her but every time he talks to her or is prepared to listen to yet another one of her sob stories he is giving her hope that he still cares enough for them to have a future.He now has to accept that she's a big girl and has to clear up her own mess just as we are having to do the same ( and still keep our 3 children out of this!)What happens with hEr and her Dh is no longer any of our business.
A friend put some perspective on it for me when I said I can't stand this starting again- she said it's not starting it is still finishing. Freezy I think that's probably the same in your situation and moving away from that work situation would be good.#Take care speak agin soon

She has to find someone else to support her in her problems. NOT HIM.

When I met my dh he had been seeing someone on and off at the tail end of a 5 year relationship. This woman was married to someone else all the time she was seeing my dh so I didn't think her scrupulous and trustworthy. When he said he wanted to meet her for lunch one day I said fine, if it's to explain to her that you are getting married and cannot see or speak to her again.

He did so. He knew I was serious.

This woman will have to learn to speak to her own dh, family and friends and stop preying on yours. And he should know better.

Janstar, that's exactly what I said to HER back in Jan and to my DH- they thought they knew better and could handle it- they couldn't. She has now involved her father (whom she has a high opinion of)my dh persuaded her to do so or else I was going to speak to him myself.He has said what every sensible person has said- it can't be done, you can't have any contact for the sake of both marriages and if she is ever to move on from this- she just needs to start talking to her own dh and stop telling lies. ANYWAY that's history they are no longer any part of our lives and my DH finally realises this- he says that his friendship for her is nothing compared with the relationship we have together- he is just so pig headed that he's ignored that before now. Now facing the prospect of loosing me he realises no one is worth that.