found out yesterday my dh has had an affair.

[granarybeck]

i don't know how to cope or what to do. i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

Sorry to go on but when I found compromising text on his phone in hindsight I really wished I had asked him to go ,if only for him to realise how much he had hurt me. But it was too easy to crumple into his arms . When you are upset you want the person you love most and when they are the ones who hurt you it is the hardest thing.I know what you mean about having the kids round - they have seen me cry too many times the last 18 months

Hi mambo, I was wondering how you were getting on, glad you joined the party!!I live near Manchester too (despite the nickname- I'm not that far North any more)I work, but at the moment only part time I'd be glad to meet up some time if you'd like. (As I said in my first appearance on MN with my original thread I was desperate to talk to someone else in my situation who understood)
There was apoint in my story where I seriously thought about walking out the door (not permenantly- I couldn't leave my children)but to bring home to my dh just how hurt I was and how much he was still hurting me. It was at the point when it had all ended but he was stillwanting to be "just good friends " with HER. Thankfully the message got through that It had to stop completely if we were to have any chance of reparing the damage. So he told her this, contact stopped, we went away on holiday for a week and to date it's been about 2 months since he last had contact with HER. we now have real hope and are moving slowly forward.

hi yes i do work but only part time. my job ends at end of june (temporary contract) and i was due to start a course in september full time. so i am finding it hard not to let my financial dependance on him affect my thinking and choices as i never felt dependant on him before it was just 'us' and evrything was ours. he moved out last night (worst moment of my life) . i don't feel it is permanent but exactly as you said mambo if he is here i do just crumple in his arms as previously whenever anything was wrong in my life it was him i turned to and now it being him who caused it and him whos there to crumple on is too difficult and confusing. and i'm worried its giving him the wrong message that what he did was not that bad, by him leaving , even if i give in and he's back tonight, i need him to know how bad what he did was before i can contemplate moving forward. WOW thats my biggest waffle yet!do you think i've done the wrong thing gg? i do really appreciate your advice as a survivor of this.

granarybeck, you absolutely need him to understand how hurt, disappointed and angry you are before you will be able to forgive. This is fundamental. If he doesn't reach that point, you will never feel reassured that he knows how vital it is that he never repeat his behaviour, so you'll never be able to relax or truly forgive him.

hello granarybeck how are you feeling? Do your family know what is going on and do you have a close friend or 2 to talk to.When my dh moved out my mum stayed for at least a week. You really need to talk.It helps clear your head and to try to understand what YOU want. I talked my friends to death and it does reallyhelp although a couple of them were quite reseved with him when we got back together, especially my sister. But that was good in a way because it made him realise what he did ws real life once other people knew what was going on. My kids are off today-inset day so I can't sit here and ignore them or they run riot and eat all the food in the house. Thinking about you and keep talking x

Gb, everyones situation is different, only you can truely say how you feel about this man and what he has done to you- so no I don't think you've done the wrong thing- you have taken control and that has to send a message to him, a strong message. In my situation I did not want him to go, although he asked me if I wanted that, but my man/ my relationship is not yours. As I said before I hope I'm not "telling" you what to do, rather sharing my experiences as our situations have so much in common and the things you say and feel are EXACTLY what I went (and am still going)through.

Gb, I also ment to say- remember in my situation my dh did leave (for 1 night) to go off and start his new life with HER!!! That too was the worst night and day of my life, but in our situation it became the turning point. It brought reality crashing down aroud my dh ears and he came back the next day asking me and the children to take him back and we are all still here now.

mambo, yes both our families know and one close friends and my close colleagues. mainly because i couldn't have hidden it from them. it has really helped to talk to them and keep going over things and feelings. i think it has made it more real for him as well. gg i think it is that turning point i want to see as he says he made that decision at such a point and although he stayed in touch with her he didn't see her again and realised it was me and the kids he wanted. but i didn't see that decision taking place or see him reaching that point and i think i need to therefore see him realise what he has done so he asks to come back into our lives.

geordiegirl, don't want to post too much here as it is on various other threads, but no I'm afraid we didn't make it.
Every situation is unique and there are lots of factors to take into consideration. I think, if violence or emotional cruelty is not involved, I would always advocate trying to make a go of things. There is nothing remotely pleasant about being separated and getting divorced.

Sorry to hear you didn't manage to work it out but you hint at very good reasons why that was the case, and you are right (what I'm trying to say to gb)every situation is different-you do what is best for YOU in your situation (despite the pain)With my dh, he is a good man who lost his way for a short time and is now seeing clearly again and we are back on track holding onto all the special things we have together.

I love hearing positive stories like yours geordiegirl, it restores my faith in human nature.
I really hope it continues to work out for you and your family.

Bugsy2, Thanks for that- you know I never thought of mine as a positive story ( not when I think of all the pain we went through and the sadness that still sometimes overwhelms me) however, we still are very much together and both see our future that way, so yeh, your right it is positive.

Gb and Mambo how are you both? Thinking of you GG

hi. thanks for asking gg. i haven't been able to face even turning mn on and it was really nice to see your message when i did. i think i am hitting a bit of a low. i just feel completely overwhelmed with the pain and the situation. it all came as such a shock to me that now it has sunk in i feel even worse as i am stuck with the fact that this is the reality of the situation and my life. i just can't see a way out of this hurting and mess at the moment. dh is at his mum's.

Gb,I know the complete desolation and despair you are feeling.It will get better I promise but you will not be able to even imagine that yet. Have you considered seeing a counsellor? Even just for yourself (I found a local one in yellow pages and checked out credentials on internet). I went by myself in the first week after he told me of his affair (much later in time we went as a couple -and now I am still going by myself, not often but just to let it all out)I really found it helpful, I at least felt I was making decisions about my life and doing something about it. It helped me decide what I wanted in all the mess. I also felt there was only so much you could "dump" on your friends and ultimately it's down to you to sort out how you feel. It's so very difficult to think straight through all the pain, but it does slowly come and now I feel I've got it clear in my head and can cope with it (despite the odd day when I just sink into sadness and despair again for a short time)Is counselling an option for you yo help YOU first?

dh has actually asked me to go to a relate appointment this weekend. i think i will go, not with any real expectations but just whatever happens i think we need to come to terms with what has happened and maybe this will help. i've nothing to lose. i do think though that i will go by myself though. i didn't know how to find a counsellor though so will try yellow pages, i didn't really fancy going to doctors to ask.

Gb, I think you are right to go with no expectations, but it is positive that he has suggested relate. if your dh is like mine talking to others about emotions and feelings especialy when he has caused them through his wrong doing is not an easy thing to do and your dh has suggested it. Take some heart in this, he obviously knows just how serious this is. When you go don't be affraid to ask the difficult questions of him.

Hi granarybeck, I know this has been going on with you for a while - strangely I have just been going through exactly the same thing - found out a fortnight ago. Its awful, i can sympathise completely. Never thought he would ever do such a thing, we have been together 13 years and have a three year old. It had been going on for 18 months although he insists that they only had s*x once I don't know what to believe and what not to believe. If you need a shoulder or someone to bat ideas or thoughts off - I'm your girl. I too am terrified of being alone again - I just don't know what to believe either. I am thinking of you and best of luck (to both of us) Its strange though the circumstances are exactly the same, why do men not delete these text messages? You would think David Beckham would have taught them to be more careful!

Morph, I'm really sorry you too are in this situation. As you'll see on this thread gb and I have been helping ecah other through the awful feelings of betrayal and sadness, as best we can. I'm a few more weeks down the line (I wish I'd found MN earlier when I was in so much pain at the start) If I can help in any way- be a futher shoulder to cry on etc I'm happy to do so. The more I read and learn about these situations the more I think it is the norm rather than not for your husband to stray at some time in a marriage- why?!!!!What more do they want?

It seems that way, I am ok. He says its over and that he had wanted it to be over for a while, he just didn't know how to get back to us again afte such a long time concentrating his efforts on her. She is no longer with the company having been mde redundant the day after he returned to work, we took a week off (there is a god). he says he is totally committed to us now and he is very sorry for what he has done and wants this more than anything, feels a fool etc etc. Things had been so much better between us since christmas and he said that was because he wanted to be with us. Problem is, how do I believe him? His lying when confronted before ( I had a feeling something was going on, loads of evidence I managed strategically to entirely ignore!) was impeccable, I mean I really believed him, what if he is lying now and is still in contact with her? Am I just to be forced with this rejection again at a later date? He said the affair was a symptom of unhappiness with our marraige when our son was born but that things are different now. I don't know what to believe and what not to believe, he could be this evil deliberatly nasty two timing person and I wouldn't even know. He could also be a mass murdering serial killer and I wouldn't know about that either I suppose!! GOD wish I was a lesbian would make life much easier! See do still have sense of humour!

sorry to hear that you are in the same boat too morph. did you find out or did he tell you? my dh too says he was unhappy but never spoke to me about this. i don't yet see why me finding out means he is suddenly going to be happy with me and the kids. my main thing at the moment is trying to get him to tell me why he did it. he has told me he was feeling a bit unhappy and unsure whether he still wanted to be in his situation (me and the kids) and that he was working away quite a bit. but these are just factors and when i ask why he actually took it as far as he did he says he doesn't know. he says he didn't fall for her or really, really fancy her. when i ask him what he was thinking eg. enjoyed it, guilty etc. he just says he doesn't know. gg, did your dh ever manage to tell you why he did it? mine says he found it hard to talk to me about how he was feeling at the time even though i know we had discussed these issues at the time and it was me who did the talking whilst he said nothing. but i just need him to explain how it went from that to being with another woman. morph i know just what you mean about not quite knowing who hw is now i have realised what a good liar he is, i always thought he was a crap liar.

Gb, morph- even though each of our situations is different there are so many shared feelings and actions(by dh's. My dh lied and decieved me for 3/4 months and I was blissfully ignorant. later I went through the "you stupid fool/ how could you have been so naive and blind..." really angry with myself- but now I see all I did was trust- trust the man I'd trusted nearly all of my adult life and had never had a reason not to.Even when it came out that he had "fallen"for HER he lied as to the extent of this and when we were (I thought) trying to put it back together he was still seeing her and decieving me- that hurt the most. He now has to work very hard at being open and honest about his every movemnt for me to start trusting again (I'm not sure it will ever be fully back- always that little voice in my head...)However it is slowly coming- I stopped myself from checking his mobile the other day and I told him this- he offered it to me then.
As to the why question? no gb he's never been fully able to answer that. The best we can make of it is that it was a combination of circumstances, timing, opportunity and a strange time in his life (he never once said -and still does not- that he and I were unhappy in any way- that's why I've found it so hard to try and comprehend the whole thing)It's almost as if he went on a "journey of discovery" about himself (as he was a tormented soul during this time)now he has found inner peace again- leaving me still fighting for peace of mind, but it is coming.

Hey everyone. First time to MN. Looks like lots to add to gb's, gg's and morph's experiences. I too have suffered from my h having an affair. It was around 16 months ago but still remember exactly the type of pain you're going through. One of the comments you made was that you didn't feel like you knew him anymore. That was one of the worst things for me. I felt like my whole life was a lie as he had absolutely been my rock in life. I felt like everything we had done in the past was a lie, including our wedding day. It made me completely lose my bearings and my trust of everyone diminished severely. We had been together 12 years, married for 5 with 2 kids when it happened. Everyone has said it's early days - it is. People have also said it can get better. It can. Everything seems so muddled at the beginning. When I found out, all my friends expected me to kick him out, and to go mad. I was strangely calm and was determined that he should not leave the house. 16 months on and a lot of the pain has gone. You are absolutely right in saying things can never be the same again but I truly believe that you can make your relationship stronger out of this. I will continue to look at this site as I really feel and empathise with all that you've been through. I think that the suggestion of self help books is good - I read one called "Surviving Infidility". It made me realise that some of the feelings I was having weren't because I was going mad and that they are pretty standard in a situation like this. Stay strong, cry when you want, get some time to yourself and use your friends as much as possible. Take care gb.

Scottiegirl, thanks for taking the time to add your experience. I particularly find it heartening as you are 16 mths down the line,( me 4mths, gb and morph just at the start.)I felt /feel very like you did, the calmness, the being certain I didn't want dh to go, the feeling at times I was going mad. I also have this vision for our future that we will always be different now but in time hopefully stronger for having got through this together. You give me hope for the future (even through the bad days)I am very slowly starting to feel normal again, I hope gb and morph can tale some comfort from our experiences. thanks again Sg and best wishes to you and your family for the future

thanks scottiegirl, it is so reassuring to hear that other people have felt what i am feeling and survived. the losing my bearings feeling you described is so true. dh is back at home. i knew him being somewhere else was the easy way out. i felt safe and slightly distanced from the raw pain. but it was till him i wanted to talk to and be with. i am now so scared of what lies ahead. thinking of life without him was hard but i felt i would get on with it and knew what it would involve. this option however is so unknown and so frightening. i am finding comfort in looking after myself and enjoying my own time, which is not a reaction i would have expected of myself.