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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
sumbodi · 01/05/2015 17:23

Apart from anything that you might feel about the twins being with him for the weekend, surely they should be settled into their own beds/rooms every night for their benefit
. I know they stayed at your parents but I assume they have familiar sleeping arrangements . Little early perhaps to consider overnight visiting?

Phoenix0x0 · 01/05/2015 17:24

Oo a night out! And I am Glad you found the website useful.

If they ask about Daddy like the PP said, have some standard things to say. 'It's monday, daddy is at work', 'daddy is visiting x'etc.

As for him....why is he demanding to have them when he does not have a base himself? Why is he continuing to try and call the shots? Personally, I would say ok for him to have them for the day or meal out, but until he gets a place to live then no...this is already hard enough for your DT....they probably have picked up on your emotions somewhat.

You may want to consider this. My friend has split with her DP and has a three year old DC.

He does see the DC but he does not have a place to live stays with people.
Her DC has had so many behavioural issues because her DC worries about where Daddy is. As daddy does not have a place, it's been diificult to explain to her DC that daddy is staying 'here' (children are visual).

Children at two/three are very egocentric, so if an event happens good or bad they will think it is them that is the cause.

Have you thought about buying a book (or borrowing from the library) about parents divorcing etc?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 01/05/2015 17:31

Aw Ophelia I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way...but I am so happy for you!

You have got people on your side, your boss, your friends, brother, mum and now ex work colleagues...there is a life out there for you, it may not be the one you thought, but it sure as hell will be the life you deserve

I'm so incredibly proud of you xxx

Weebirdie · 01/05/2015 17:35

I would say no to weekend access until things are a bit more settled because this is too soon and not in the childrens best interest.

Mini05 · 01/05/2015 17:46

He's calling the shots all the time! It not what he wants anymore!
It's what works/suits you and the twins.

Where does he get off,to think he can just take them from home for the weekend he's deluded.
I say no to weekend.

Mama1980 · 01/05/2015 17:48

Hi so glad the meeting was productive, your boss sounds lovely.
Personally I would refuse to allow your h to have the children this weekend to stay but say that he can take them out. It's probably in their best interests to see him but not to meet the ow or stay in a strange place, it's far too soon for that. The idea of him living elsewhere hasn't even been processed by them let alone anything else so it's definitely not in their best interests.

Izzy24 · 01/05/2015 17:50

Ditto.

Justusemyname · 01/05/2015 18:07

Been thinking of you, Ohphelia. I'm good at that, rubbish at advice.

I'd be making it very clear he is not to introduce your babies to the OW the fucking week after he abandons them!Angry.

Get grandma booked for babysitting and get yourself to the works do. I'm fairly sure the law says a new dress is expected....

GERTI · 01/05/2015 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosieliveson · 01/05/2015 18:11

That's really good news on the job front.

It will be good for your twins to see their dad (even if he is a rotten old cock) so agree to a regular night for tea. But, I agree that any overnight stays should wait until he has a suitable place to have them. I also think he's underestimating how upsetting and confusing it will be for them to stay overnight in a strange place without you. Especially if WF is there.

Explain, in a brief email, that the arrangements with the children and exposing them to change has to be done slowly and sensitively.

I think it's your right to call the shots here. After all, he checked out. Not you. This is no longer his call!

HoggleHoggle · 01/05/2015 18:37

Definitely no to your h having your dc overnight at the moment. Does he think this is a game for them? How unsettling it would be! He is so, so selfish and clearly hasn't even tried to considered how to work things to suit two very young children. Hideous man.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 01/05/2015 18:39

I took your suggestions and told him I didn't think over nights are appropriate due to that fact it will be confusing for the twins and also as he doesn't have a "home residence" so he won't have anywhere to stay with them.

He responded that he would have them at his parents, OW thinks its too early for her to met them but he personally wants me to be be aware she is now a big part of his life so eventually in the following months he will want OW and her son to met my twins. He said that the twins are too young to understand and they will be with their daddy and grandparents so will be fine. He thinks the quicker we start the quicker it will be the norm for them. He pointed out OW did something simliar with her child because her ex wanted to start EoW straight away and her kid is wonderful (his words)

OP posts:
JugglingLife · 01/05/2015 18:40

How do you feel about that Ophelia?

LondonRocks · 01/05/2015 18:44

Oh, she's so perfect! Wanky skanky old tart. And him! Fucking cheek.

He wants, he says, he thinks.

Well, he can fuck off.

Madamecastafiore · 01/05/2015 18:48

No, no, no, no and no!

He can't say they want to meet soon. This relationship might finish in a couple of weeks, he needs to show some responsibility towards his children and make sure this woman is going to be around for the foreseeable future before he brings them into the lives of your twins. I'd say at least 6 months and I am damn sure any child care professional or family judge would agree.

Rosieliveson · 01/05/2015 18:51

Prick! How dare he try to tell you that you should do things the way WF did.
I hate this man and I have never laid eyes on him. Or at least I hope I haven't! Besides, they may have been no other party in WF's break up which would have made things much easier.
I think the thing to point out to him is that he has been carrying on with WF for months. It may seem like the quicker the better to him but that is because he has had a lot of timeConfused to get used to this. To plan for this. To want this. Not everyone can take change at a lightening pace. Especially not children. When he does introduce WF and her kid it should be somewhere neutral, as a play date type thing. He can't just spring a new family on them. Particularly as he and WF are only just starting out themselves really. He really does have no consideration for anyone but himself does he. He makes my blood boil!
It is important that he maintain a relationship with the children but not on his terms anymore. Tell him he certainly cannot have them this weekend and you will think about it in the meantime.

HoggleHoggle · 01/05/2015 18:52

He makes me utterly sick. Apart from the fact I think his reasoning is wrong anyway, how DARE he use wf's experience and advice so fucking openly to you!!!! I'm just past believing that someone can be so vicious and cruel.

Do you think he is intentionally hurting you with all his references to her, or is he really just that stupid?

I would be so intrigued as to whether he would be happy if you moved a man into your house within the next couple of months. Would he be so relaxed about your dc playing happy families then? I'm assuming not.

He really does just want it all his way and sod everything else. Has he always been like this do you think, looking back? It's actually quite scary, from where I'm sitting, how he's steamrolling over everything to get what he wants.

TakemeforwhatIam · 01/05/2015 18:53

Jesus, what is wrong with this man? Try not to react straight away to this. Give yourself time to get the right response with the right tone. I'm sure other wiser mn's will come up with a good standoffish response that puts him in his place without showing your emotions. But no way to meeting WF yet, no way to rushing it, what works for one does not work for the other. God he's a twat. Oh and make sure response casually has the boyfriend/girlfriends quote used before, sew that sees in there!

(Thanks for the pizza replies - shall look into them way cheaper than take out)

Justusemyname · 01/05/2015 18:53

Utter bollocks. What's a selfish man and what a perfect bitch.

No no no no no no

Your way or he doesn't see them at all

Ffs they don't even know daddy has left, they need to understand THAT before having to spend time with the bitch who took their daddy away from their home.

Weebirdie · 01/05/2015 18:54

He's a fuckwit.

I bet the OW would have had plenty to say if her son was being taken to another woman, and as far as we know he wasnt.

Tell him is argument is null and void, that the circumstances are very different.

HoggleHoggle · 01/05/2015 18:57

I do think you need to point out clearly to him that the two separating experiences with regards to your dc and her dc are totally different (I assume). He needs to shut the fuck up about bloody wf's experience. He clearly needs it spelt out to him and I just don't see what comeback he could possibly have to it. It's horrendous that he's trying to compare the two.

LondonRocks · 01/05/2015 19:01

I'd write something like,

,
As previously discussed, it is not in the best interests of the twins to be exposed to a possible new face so early on. Frankly, your judgment of WF's approach raises many questions, as she thought it acceptable to give a married man a blow job in a work stationary cupboard.
Imagine if the scenario was reversed and try to put our children before your needs for once.
fuck you
OP

JugglingLife · 01/05/2015 19:03

What London says...

Justusemyname · 01/05/2015 19:06

So he's met silly bitches son already?

Wristy · 01/05/2015 19:07

God almighty! This man is insane.

Here you are two weeks from discovering his affair and he's all 'chop, chop Ophelia, back to business!'

I honestly believe he has some sort of screw loose. Can't he comprehend that his children can't be used as a bargaining chip?

And as for holding her up to be the example we should all aspire to be- FUCK OFF!!

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