Affair - just about coping part 3

[OpheliaRose]

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

Time to shift your thought patterns a bit...
What fantastically fun thing are you going to do with your beautiful twins this weekend?
Swimming, park, indoor play centre, play dates, baking cakes?

yes Ledkr that's what I meant in my post re: her being taken into account. my Dad's new bird was taken into account because as they lived together it was counted as 'household income'. so the maintenance was coming out of his own pocket but they judged him able to pay more as his household income was more.

sumbodi it's meant to rain this weekend so we're planning a trip to a soft play area or maybe the aquarium. I brought some new baking stuff today so we can make cakes and cookies if it's raining all weekend.

Possibly will be judged as a parent buy brought a couple of new DVDs today on my way to the dr so if all else fails (especially if I'm feeling a crappy as I do now) we can snuggle up on the sofa and watch films together.

I know I shouldn't focus on them but obviously some of their situation will effect me.

Nothing wrong with a duvet day and dvds in my book!
Do whatever feels manageable.

Hey Ophelia, Im sure your DTs would love an opportunity to snuggle on the sofa watching DVDs with you one afternoon this weekend - that's my DCs fav activity, not bad parenting at all, its considered a reward for good behaviour in this house!

I'm on my own all weekend ophelia will be trying to entertain my 3 and 13 yr old
So we can check in and offer tips.
I'm doing swimming sat then 3yr old has a party then Sunday and monday nothing planned yet.
Bh is always hard when you are in your situation.
Be prepared and keep busy.

Quality time is what you need. Duvet, DVDs, whatever makes you feel even a tiny bit relaxed.

He's a stinking crusty shitbag.

Well you are one awesome woman. And am sure I am not the only one who won't hear another word about bad parenting: you're not, you won't and you never will be.

I am cheering Team Ophelia and honestly truly think the car park sighting will have taken the element of dread out of seeing them together that may have built in the coming weeks.

You have taken such brave steps, have taken control and I am in awe. Sounds like you have a good network propping you up in RL (not at all surprised you sound lovely and I bet you are a great friend/sis/daughter). And there is a whole bunch of women here rooting for you too who are able to chat in the twilight hours when mum/friend may be sleeping. We are all behind you, with as required

I think STBXH is a twunt and in time you will see you are well rid. Meantime, for the next while keep on keeping on just as you are. Be kind to yourself please. Movies and popcorn are treats round here and cake kits eaten straight from the oven, or cookies, were the best things for me on dull bank holiday weekends when the DCs were small!

Monday might need planning? Can you get DBro/parents /friend with kids over to cook you lunch/go to park/BBQ or something?

Ophelia
I love movie days! In our house we don't need an excuse

If you manage to get out with your DC over the wend then great but you are far from a bad parent if you don't!

You're doing amazing, keep going

Snuggling sounds perfect Ophelia
You are an amazing mummy x

Your friend was spot on telling you about the maintainence- you needed to know so that you can get your head around the (quite frankly bastard fact) that yes if your H does move in with WF then that will ultimately affect your maintainence.

This is because they take percentage of his earnings to secure welfare of the children under the same roof as him. It absolutely enraged me when I found that out. And I mean enraged.

However when I got over it I realised that actually I wanted was enough from him to be able to ensure their stability . I did not want to waste my precious energy reserves fighting for every penny of maintainence because I did not want to be dependant on him or rely on him. I had so many years left of needing to support my children that I ultimately wanted to rely and depend on him as little as possible.

I wanted to prove to him that I could do it without him. And I did . My confidence in myself has never been greater. I feel Zena the bloody Warrior Princess sometimes.

Another day has passed and you made another milestone in talking to your GP and sorting access for DTs.

I did chuckle at your dad saying "why only 6 months". That's such a dad tactic in catching H out.

What this poster said is spot on.

*I think you're right TinLizzie. I can't help but feel from the information you've given us that he just doesn't have the emotional maturity to actually have a fulfilling and happy existence.

He can't comprehend how much you must be hurting, how much devastation he has caused and he has no intention of trying.

I can only see that this will be the beginning of a string of poor relationship choices for him.*

And this, spot on

*Right now he is one step ahead he thinks, calling the shots (as pp said) when you start overtaking his plans (solicitors letter, work etc) and being one step ahead of him he will lose it I think.

In just 10 days you have overtaken him. Let's see how he likes the rug being pulled out.
Get thee to solicitor my dear, protect your interests, no one else is going to.*

Good morning, OpheliaRose. I hope you slept better last night and that your lunch today goes well. You are continuing to cope so well, I just have to repeat my admiration for the way you are handling all this. I hope you have put/are putting things in motion to register your interest in the house. Have a lovely time with your twins.
#TeamOpheliaRose

How's you today mrs?

Build a wee den in living room with sheets etc, the kids will play in it for ages, give them a picnic lunch it it

Soft play is a great idea, do that in morning, lunch and they DVD afternoon. They will be as happy as Larry. Now how are you building a bit of time in for you? Can a friend come over? Can your mum have them on Monday?

Dearest Ophelia,

I am in awe at your dignity & self restraint. I am a lurker as the wise woman of Mumsnet have got it covered in terms of good solid advice.

Just to let you know you & your lovely DC are in my thoughts & there is nothing wrong with pyjamas & DVD days. My DC still talk about duvet days from when they were little and despite being young men they still say shall we have a duvet day & take away" .The only draw back being their film choices!!!

Your restraint is unbelievable, I would have put it all over Facebook. What an evil, twunt your stxhis. His cruelty and self-righteousness makes me & every time I read your thread.

OP his problems will start when you gather your strength & some fine man starts to look after you & your delicious little ones.

What goes round comes around, be in no doubt his life will be miserable.

Some & to get you through your day xxx
Xxx

I hope lunch with your boss goes well, Ophelia.

What happened to you by the supermarket was traumatic, extremely, but if anything good can come out of it, it could be seen as helpful by prompting Dr trip and boss phonecall.

Admire you so SO much. You are a shining example to others going through this, or who will go through this. (Plenty of them, sadly).

The DVD snuggle time sounds fantastic. It is one of my kids' favourite things to do! I allow duvet and pillows on the sofa which is a massive treat, and watch films or even just TV. Try and find a few moments of bliss, and take a 'snapshot' of them. I used to do that a lot when my kids were little (I have stopped , should do it again), because I knew I couldn't capture every moment, or even remember it all (have a terrible memory). I'd just notice the moment and hold it in my heart for a bit, enjoying it. I remember doing it, but not what the moments were anymore. I know I enjoyed my babies. (Twins are 6, going on 7 now!).

Morning Ophelia. Just wanted to wish you a good lunch with your boss and agree with everyone about how well you are doing. I do think that H is is going to get a complete shock when he realises that you haven't let your life grind to a halt.

I'm another one who thinks dvd and duvet times are fab. My monsters love them, especially on the occasions they are allowed some popcorn.

Another one wishing you all the best for today. I second dvd and duvet days, all my dc's love them! Bake some cookies and munch away!
One day twat heard will rue the day when you find yourself a lovely partner to cherish you and DT's

Morning x

Just remembered what helped me through lonely nights - talk radio... Sounds utterly daft but it stopped me feeling so alone and shut out the night time silence.

We love movie days in our house, we get all cosy with comfy clothes lots of blankets food and drink to hand and Netflix on. Then if it's a super special occasion then we order in pizza (although last two times have been rubbish so I wish I'd just saved the money and made my own!). I'm sure movie days are a must as a parent

Morning ophelia, best of luck for today. Hope you managed to get some sleep x

Hope the meeting with your boss goes well. A nice chilled weekend with dvds and treats sounds really good.

Takeme, Iceland pizzas are £1! Pretty rubbish, but a lot cheaper rubbish.

Asda do a ready rolled pizza dough (about the size of a baking sheet) for £1.30 ish. I buy it cut it in to three, and then the DC add whatever topping they want.